So I come back from vacation with mes parents to Austria and Italy (with a side trip to Slovenia), and one of the first things I discover upon returning to the internet is that my myspace has been hacked and at least one of my photos uploaded to some sketchy site which I can't access with a European IP address, so I don't even know the extent of the damage.

Okay so it's been awhile since i have written here; and i sense it will be long. I ah I don't know how to say this. I have used R. as a crutch not believing someone will fall for me because of the chair blah blah blah obviously stupid I know. Let that prelude the rest of this post.

Wow, I just read "Advice from Toblerone" in the Coming out section, and it made me cry; the part about his parents saying that it's not something that can be changed, and they'll all just have to live with it, that they're sorry they couldn't help the confusion more when he was younger, that they love him just as much if not more...

Alright, rant time.

By the way... thank you guys so much for the comments! Makes it all so much better :)

By the way #2 - I'm listening to depressing Russian music, so thoughts might be a bit jumbled.

I'm not really sure what just happened. My parents seemed to take it okay, but I'm still not sure if they believe me. My mom says I don't have to feel like I need to decide. And I'm not sure they realize that I just...KNOW. My dad didn't say anything. I don't really know what they think. It's so confusing!

Well my close friends were the first to find out.. Then I went on and broke the silence with my Mom..

So for those of you who aren't out to your parents yet (like me)

How do you deal with dreaded question: So any boyfriends (girlfriends) yet??

Sure the obvious answer is to come out but for various reasons ie. don't want to deal with the drama it will cause, want the parents to pay for my college
i can't so that

I have a friend whose mother treats him like crap. He tries so hard in school, and has never gotten a grade bellow A-. Even so, the mother grounds him for trivial things like talking on the phone too long, or staying up past 9. It's not just her being incredibly strict.

I don't know if it was our shared fear of flying to New York tomorrow, or the effect of the depressingly rare bout of sunshine we got this afternoon, but me and my sister, Gemma, had an intelligent conversation. It was rather insightful, so far as it affirmed my belief that I'm right about a lot of things because other people are, quite simply, ignorant.

My mom and dad want me to shave my legs. They've made it clear that it's not a choice whether to do so or not, at least not with them. I tried to pay my mom back for the razor she bought me, and she told me she didn't want my money. She told me that my not shaving my legs affects her as a parent, because people walk up to her and say, "Look, I noticed utter_insanity doesn't shave her legs.

Well, my mom had another huge talk with me last night. She told me that shaving is just "good grooming," and that it's just like taking a bath, using deodorant, or brushing your teeth. The heck? She said that "dirt can get caught in your hair," so I said, "Fine. I'll shave my head, then, so that no dirt gets caught in the hair there!" Of course, she rolled her eyes and ignored that.

My mom just told me these things:

1. She wants me to shave, because my legs look "terrible"
2. My father feels the same way
3. It is more "socially acceptable" to shave your legs
4. People are going to tease me when I go back to school because of my legs
5. I won't have any friends because of my hairy legs
6. It bothers her that my legs are hairy

Greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaat. So. Today my dad told me that my mom was "uncomfortable with my feelings for girls." And proceeded to remind me (actually in a really nice way; I know it's a lot more my mom's viewpoint than his) that being so open and out about my sexuality could make people see and treat me differently, and could lead to total badness outside of NYC.

When I carpooled home from school with my straight ex-crush today, I couldn't stop staring at her. Argh, I hate her so much! Why did she have to look so good?

So this permanet happy phase is still going strong...Tomorrow will be two weeks...And it feels like...2 months. Shelby and I have so much fun together that everything seems like it would be more entertaining to have her there...She spent the night of Friday...This time she kept me up until 3 am, unlike last time when I kept her up.