Overcommitment at school.
Sounds like such a petty, trite, and relatively small thing to complain about compared to the family and relationship problems other people are having. But I have to concede to myself that no matter how much I want to minimise my stress from school, it is having an emotional toll on me.
Yet, I do all this by choice. A choice to commit to what I do, and a choice to quit when I want - although not without consequences. But what I'm getting at is this stress is a responsibility and almost a 'privilege' by being able to have so many opportunities.
Too stressed for school.
Today at assembly our headmaster announced the ball details for this year. (we actually call homecoming the ball)
All is well, everything sounds awesome then suddenly I hear -
"Everyone must attend with a date... of the opposite gender."
We are a big christian private school, so that's not a surprise - I've expected it but I always thought it would be a great injustice.
I feel blank. I feel like a doormat. I feel so... empty. I feel like I'm detached. I feel like I'm almost outside my body. I don't feel in control. I feel like this isn't me. I don't want to be like this. I'm not usually like this. I have a headache. It must be the lack of sleep. I need to get a grip. I know it's okay to feel down once in a while. I feel like I'm slow. I feel like I'm not as engaging as before. Too much socializing. Not enough meaning. Built it up to perfection and tainted it. What happened. Is it the alcohol. Is it apathy. Is it desensitization.
I found out my ex was two timing me.
I confronted him and called it off.
I almost sympathised with him, he kept making excuses.
I acted detached, I acted like I didn't care, but deep down I knew I still like him.
Myriad of emotions told me maybe I should've cheated.
But I know I wouldn't have. It's just emotions distorting my thoughts and feelings.
But now it's over it's for the best.
I don't need this right now.
I'm hurt. But I'm fine. I'll get over it. Time to overdose on caffeine.
Yes, I'm talking about cheating.
I told myself I would never cheat. Now I understand it's not so easy.
So the story:
I'm starting to have stronger feelings for my boyfriend (Halfcast Boy). But relationships work in such a peculiar way, two people like each other, but there's a delicate balance otherwise there will be a power imbalance. The ideal goal is to love each other more and more, but not really love the other person more than they love you or that will make you vulnerable. I don't want to be vulnerable.
My last journal entry about having too much on my plate
It's already going downhill... I forgot a really important "meeting" at school tonight. And yes, I know it's a Sunday.
I'm going to get in shit for it tomorrow.
I'm taking too much on. And my boyfriend's already 'joking' about having to "make it up to him" cause I'm too busy. But he's not really joking, seriously.
He has no idea? Fuck my life. So much stress.
AND thanks guys for the replies, I really appreciate them. Sometimes I might not reply with a proper comment, but I do read and value them. So thanks for that.
Is the basis of happiness. Yes, the cliche - it's bliss, the naivety, the idealism.
On the contrary, the ability to perceive, the gift of being more adept at knowing how simple people work comes at a price. Cynicism.
That is often paired alongside arrogance. I don't mind. Intelligence after all is not a good attribute. Knowing too many answers to the 'whys' ends up being a mental deterrent to doing many things. It's like writing a novel backwards, the ending's decided and you already know how the characters interact. I'm at the start of the novel.
Today was fucking shit.
I was deciding whether to name the entry after him, because would that be giving him too much credit? I would be the one to know him, to have him, and to be in control. Not the other way round... I will not fall head over heels for a boy again.
So I named the entry after him anyway. Looks like all the partying have done its magic? Finally met a cute boy at a party, and almost surreal like a stupid trite teenage drama, everyone got drunk and we hooked up.
Time - 4:12am.
Just got home a while ago.
Met this gorgeous boy at a party. He's a halfcast - half kiwi half asian. Saw him last week at a party too but we never got to talk, and the truth is my mate's secretly been trying to set him up with me for a while. That's why he keeps turning up to parties I'm at, but he was too shy to talk to me xD (before tonight I didn't really know him).
Tonight, suddenly everyone started telling me that he likes me and I should go make a move first cause he's too shy. It came as a shock, cause I totally didn't expect it.
The debating season started again! Debating is one of the greatest passions at school.. and I'm in the advanced grade this year! Whee.
Just got the worst haircut of my life!
Stupid stupid hairdresser! She did a half-arsed job... and I thought she was good cause my friend said she was AMAZING. But she didn't even consider what I wanted, was so flippant, and started talking to her boyfriend in Korean while cutting my hair...! I also had a beautiful perm that made my hair all spikey before and now it's all gone.
I'm cutting the namecard she gave me to shreds (quite symbolic) and never ever ever ever go near that place again.
PROBABLY THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE IN LONG TIME.
Want to curl in fetal position and cry.
This weekend, I was all over the place (again). Remember how I said my friend was going to have that boat party? Instead, she hired a room in a hotel on Friday and a bunch of us just crashed there the whole night. Some silly lightweight called Molly really fucked everyone off though. She
- kept disappearing (one brownie point for removing herself from sight)
- kept running in the corridors (minus three brownie points for wasting our time)
- kept lying on the floor in the lobby (extra brownie points for doing it in a five-star hotel)
- kept shouting "I'm so happy and euphoric!"
Apparently HPV no longer stands for human papillomavirus, because this guy in my class thought it stood for HIGH POWERED VEHICLE. Jocks... what can I say.
And I found out what a smokey dragon was today... yup let's not go there. Actually please ask, I do want to go there.
And I have a HPV vaccination form in my bag for some reason, they were handing it out in school a while back. Anyways, I find it fascinating why everyone's smiling and hugging and giving each other seducing looks on the front cover. I assume a HPV vaccination lets you have all those things...
Went to this "National Young Leader's Day" thingie ma bob today. Our school sent all our prefects there and we heard some really good speakers speak - including Nathan King from the band Zed, and Oscar Kightley who created the cartoon Bro Town (he was so cynical and funny).
There were heaps of schools there, the whole stadium was filled with a few hundred (and possibly thousands, I suck with estimates) students. All sent by their schools all over Northland, Auckland and... Hamilton.
For the whole week, I get to play a jock in a play for the student-led chapel that happens twice a year...
I'm wearing a triathlon one-piece swimsuit to flaunt my sexy body
I get to make grunting noises
I suddenly run into chapel with gangster music playing, screaming 'I LOVE POWER TOOLS!'
I do weights on stage in front of everyone to show off my rippling muscles
I do and count press ups on stage ("ONE, TWO... FIVE HUNDRED AND ONE, ONE THOUSAND... SEVEN MILLION!")
I get to call a 'real jock' queer
little did i know
that you were romeo you were throwing pebbles
and my daddy said stay away from juliet
and i was crying on the staircase
begging you please don’t go, and i said
romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
Tears roll from my eyes.
Tears, a few drops.
Just foggy eyes.
No sniffles, no wailing, no hyperventilating. Just a few tears, lying on my bed, staring at the bright light. It made it easier.
Tiny trivial pedantic things really kill the day. Especially a really really easygoing perfect great day.
I think it's because everything is so perfect, a tiny slip is a fall from that great magnitude which I simply cannot accept. Ironic, because I don't want it to ruin my day, but thinking that is what ruins it.