Leaving for Hamilton tomorrow! I'm so excited! I'll be there for the whole weekend meeting people from all around the country. One of my best friends will be there too. I heard he turned into a hippie... he smokes cigars and is a vegetarian now. lol.

I need to fucking fall in love.

Why is it so fucking hard.
I can't even feel that feeling anymore. It's all physical. Or about my ego. It's about competition, image, pleasure. Whatever.
I just want to fall completely ridiculously openly desperately in love with someone perfect.

But none of them are perfect. They're just stupid or clingy or boring or pathetic or useless or bitchy.

I had a dream last night. It's weird I can't describe it. But I hugged some imaginary boy I didn't know and cried. It felt real. I know dreams don't mean shit, but it reminded me when I wasn't single.

Tomorrow I have philosophy class with some guy I got with during the weekend... He didn't know I was gay and we barely knew each other except that we were in each other's class. This'll be interesting tomorrow lol...

I'm going out of Auckland from Friday-Sunday to attend a national debating competition. One of my best friends from Wellington will be there too. I'm excited.

He's quirky. He's wierd. He's -stupid- or should I say idealistic. He's a hopeless romantic. He doesn't study. He does't have a job. But I sort of like him?

I met this boy on Saturday. No, actually I met him a few weeks back, Tristan. I mentioned him in an entry when he got my number but he was with someone back then. Well, they broke up now and I bumped into him again at the clubs. He called out to me and I went to sit with them. One of them was some guy I talked to earlier as well, it's interesting how small the gay community is.

Like... seriously?! They should do a study on it.

Large, Huge, Vente, Massive... whatever you call it

I had too much coffee (with milk) - now
I feel like a fatty
And I can't sleep
GREAT

not much to say

except sick (headache) and really tired from assignments
i wrote one
started the second. third one due very soon also

have a model UN conference on saturday
then development squad debating on sunday

good thing i 'dropped out' from development squad for the uni business consulting team. that would've gone for five weeks every sunday 9am-6pm.

then the next week i'm going out of auckland for a intercollegial debating competition

much much to do
i NEED to sleep
i didn't even feel like talkin to anyone today. so not me. just. so. tired.

Alcohol does funny things to you.

I don't know if that guy I got with last weekend likes me. He said I was really hot. We had sex, I loved it. I texted him tonight he texted back real quick, but I don't know how he feels. I don't know how I feel either. I want to be in control, but it sort of feels so right when I'm with him. We didn't meet up in the end. Maybe I shouldn't have text him.

i want to kill myself

don't tell me what to do
just leave me alone

don't patronise me and
i'll be ok

I want a $5000000000 haircut

I might get a bartending job soon. I bumped into Harriet on the weekend. Harriet bartends at a club and I met her last year while she was working and she said they're hiring again soon. I couldn't apply last year because I was going away for six weeks. But she's now the manager and she's happy to be my referee so I'm pretty sure I'd get it. I'm excited! They'll also be training me for free! My 'dream' bartending job is probably working at my fave gay bar eventually...

If you looked at yourself as someone else would you approve? What would you think?

I don't like being a perfectionist. It's gotten a lot better over the years. It's no longer that I have to be perfect at everything, but more a desire to be as rounded as possible - to do as much as possible.

I feel really stupid. I want to be the very best. At everything.
God

Too much to do

Lost my bank card. Scholarship payments not coming through. Where the fuck is my passport. I can't do my driving lesson tomorrow. Fuck stress fuck shit cunt.

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

do you know every time you insult a fat person they lose an average of 0.004kg

Cutest boy ever says "if i was single I would fully be into you x - Tristan"

Man I love him. If only he was single, we were dancing together for so long. I talked to him at the bar and being the dorky me I spilt my drink while moving to him. He just smiled. He's blonde with brown eyes. We had a good chat. I don't know what he sees in me, but it doesn't matter because he's taken anyway.

We won today and qualified for the semifinals! Whee. I applied for development squad too. Hopefully I'll get in. Our case today we had to consult for some ice cream company. Better than last time when we had to read about wheelchairs for three hours...

Just got my philosophy assignment back, I got A+ !

It was scaled and ranked according to everyone's marks, so anything above 85/100 for this paper is an A+ (which means it's pretty hard). I GOT 91/100. Class average is 70. I PILLAGED.

WHEE.

Jonathon organised a nice dinner outing for me last night (it's 5am, just got home). I always go straight clubbing with him, so he decided to book and go to a classy gay-friendly restuarant with me. All the waiters were gay. Apparently we looked like a couple.

It was funny cause he seemed like the gay one. He's very health conscious and had a long discussion about the menu with the hilariously-over-the-top-gay waiter. I ordered beer.

Why do I have compulsive urges to go out everytime I'm invited? And if I don't I feel annoyed? It's like I can't say no. I'm sick, I'm tired, I need a rest from last night, spent the day training for a consulting competition (2pm - 7pm)... and friend just texted me at 10pm asking me to go into town - and I know I shouldn't - yet I feel this uncontrollable urge to. It's like if I know something is going on I have to be there. No. I can't go. I spent too much money last night already. I was up the whole night last night...