I'm becoming all those things he didn't want me to be. Is it conscious volition, subliminal inclinations or merely a coincidence? Am I immaturely resisting this amorphous control he has over me, or simply becoming myself again?

So many questions I cannot answer.

So many things i wanted to write about... But too tired now, I must sleep. I'm just going to make a list for now, because writing about it at this moment would not do it justice.

I feel as if every girl I ever am attracted to is never going to want to date me because I am transgender. My first girlfriend broke up with me because I came out to her as transgender. My second girlfriend did the same thing. The one girl I was dating but not in a relationship with who happens to be my best friend that I'm head over heels for also told me she couldn't date me because of my gender identity. I feel like nobody will ever want to date me because of my gender identity. I feel so alone...like I will never find love.

So it's been a week of firsts for me, well more like 2 weeks but who cares?

I've been dating James for coming on two weeks, we've been to the movies, out to lunch, and today he treated me to breakfast at a local restaurant. I've got to say these have been the best two weeks of my life, my first relationship with a guy and it's just going amazing.

After much anxiety and worrying over the result, I went and asked James on a date today and he said yes!

I've been a nervous wreck lately over my crush on James, wondering how to ask him, if he's single, am I positive he's gay or is my gaydar broken? (A friend told me he was, so I was almost positive), etc. Well today in class I got all my answers.