“Come on! Get up Sara, we need to leave soon.
I stop by AWS for the next Midsummer Night’s Dream to see if I can spot Amelia anywhere.
I don’t see her on the stage, or anywhere around the audience, but I know she must be here.
A tap on the shoulder and the familiar voice convinces me I’m right.
For the following days since our bench meeting, Sara and I became even closer. We were with eachother as much as possible. But it wasn’t like everything was planned out specifically. Often times one of us would just show up at one of the other’s doorsteps. It was mostly Sara who came to visit me though, and each time she did she brightened my day.
We had developed somewhat of a schedule during the week. Every time I needed to go to Dr. Shimak she would be there to take me. And before we left each time we would meet on the bench and sit together. We would just talk and laugh and be there, just hanging out. It was actually a really nice time for me, and each time was special. I never got tired of watching her walk across the street only to take a seat beside me. Golden hair always sparkling, flawless smile spread across her face. And she had a great figure, but I didn’t think about stuff like that. Or I tried not to.
I know you will think I am stupid or
crazy or ...........
I lost the contact to guy from LA his name
is Sean. I need to get in contact with him
again. He is 28 years old. I know him from
a chat *gf*. My nickname was sexyeurope.
Now you will say hey Ingo you are
really crazy, because do you know how
many Seans we have in LA? No - not really.
And acutally I can not give up.
I HAVE DECIDED I AM GOING TO USE THIS TO THINK, VENT,
RANT, AND MAYBE CRY.
FEW THINGS YOU MIGHT NEED TO KNOW IF YOU CARE TO READ ON
I AM FEMALE, 40,PRETTY BUT OVERWEIGHT DONT LOOK
MY AGE MOST SAY I LOOK LIKE A YOUNG 30ISH
SINGLE PARENT OF 2 TEENAGERS A FRESHMAN FEMALE
AND SENIOR MALE. WE LIVE IN A MOBLIE HOME,
WE ARE NOT TRAILER TRASH AS IS THE POPULAR TERM.
I MAKE A GOOD LIVING BUT STILL BELOW THE POVERTY LEVEL
My heart was jumping inside my chest as I approached Parker. She just sat on the bench, watching me with her amazingly shadowed eyes. Eyes I had seen into once. Eyes I had spent the whole night trying to perfect on my canvas. But now they were the real thing, watching me.
I tried to look calm as I approached, but the truth was I was a mess. I hadn’t gotten any sleep, and I had been thinking of her since I left. Even when I wasn’t exactly thinking of her, I was creating her in my mind. Last night, all I could paint was her. All I could draw was her. All I could see was her.
i sat don on the white sheet emiko ha dlaid out for us. the wet grass crunchin as i did it. the cld of the night settled into us as we sat in careful silence. there was emotion between us. one so strong i hurt. i longed to touch her to wrap my arm around her and give into my desire. she long o let me. but things get in th eway of love. her boyfriedn sat down in between us, severing our connection. i longed for tat sweet ache of wanting, needing that i knew so well. it was the fourth of july and the night was col dbut i shivered for a different reason, i was col din spirit now.the fireworks as usal were delayed an dwe three sat there in awkward silence. emikos boyfriedn saw beach buddies of his from far away an dran off to say hi. he left us to not knowing what we would do. what i would do. i inched closer to emiko so afriad she would pull back. but sh edidnt she meet my wanting gaze an dmatched it with her own, but somthing lrked there. somthing that threatened to break us apart. we heard th ehiss of a fire work being launche dinto th eair an dknew it was time. she knew it was time fo rher boyfriedn to com eback an dlooked away nervously. i knew it was time to take a chance . as the of the firework lit up th esky i pressed our lips together which wa snot hard as we were already so close. if the ache was already powerful with out us touching it tore me apart from the inside out. it was a glorious pain. the sweet taste of giving in, succumbing to your own desires is truly the sweetest sin. i pulled back with a smile of satisfaction on my face, and in her eyes i saw happiness. but then th edarkness that lurked in there passed in fron t of us. he rface grew cold. she gaze dacross th efeil dat her boyfriend.
im gonna just write the number as the title from now on.
this is gonna be off the top of my head. again.
Monday I find myself skipping French to sit in front of her school on my bike, my foot poised and ready on the pedal, just waiting for some kind of explosion to set it into motion.
And then I see her.
She on the bench just 20 yards from where I am, and the Boyfriend is talking to her. Very urgently...
long awaited ive been busy hope you like it!!
Chapter 9: life has changed
Hope had tried to avoid Devyn all week. Hope had heard that Devyn was looking for her. Hope didn’t want to fall into something that she couldn’t get out of. Her feelings for Devyn wouldn’t last she told herself. Besides, Jackson Mills was dating Devyn. One week till Christmas break; one week till the temptation was over for a good month. Hope rounded a corner and saw Devyn standing at her locker. Her hands were on the top of the row of lockers and her head was bent between her strong arms. Hope could see the muscles in Devyns arm contract and relax. Devyn’s jaw was clenched shut. Her mouth made a thin line. Hope saw people swerve around Devyn. They seemed afraid of her. Hope thought about this to herself. Devyn, seen there at her locker, did seem menacing, but hope had never been scared of Devyn. Ever since Devyn hugged her that day in the hall, she had known that Devyn wasn’t capable of hurting anyone. Hope walked quickly and touched Devyn’s shoulder and she felt Devyns muscle tense up. Devyn quietly shut her locker door. She turned and looked down into hope’s eyes.
The sun was out and there was no wind, taking a bit of the harshness away from the winter day. The snow actually looked kinda pretty as it glinted in the sun. I waited across the street. Sara had said she was going to pick me up in front of my building and if I wanted a ride I should take it. Well, I did want a ride, but then I didn’t. What had happened the night before was on my mind all day. I needed time to think before she came.
I have always lived life on the edge. A lot of people think it is impossible to live a life full of gambling, money, women, power, party’s, cash, drugs, models, cars, police, you know the whole nine yards. Well that is the kind of life I live. I am a big gambler. I do a lot of underground racing, boxing, and battles. I fell into this circle when I was in the 6th grade. The life I live isn’t easy at all. And you see I am in a tight spot right now I am complete confused and need some advice. Read my story and at the end I will have a list of questions.
I don't write (meaning fiction of any sort) very often, because I do not think I am all that good. I guess this is an exception. It is a tad bit disjointed. My appologies.
I sit here thinking of the life that came before. Of the laughter. Of the joy. But most of all, of her. Her smile. Her lack of common sense. Her esprit libre. She never settled for anything. Even when it meant a sacrifice of the one thing you can never get back, your innocence, and eventually your life. The last few days were the worst of my life. They marked the end of her’s. There will be no more walks in the cemetery in the dead of night. There will never again be love in my life. The true kind of love that only the innocents possess. Those that have not been touched by darkness. I sit here wishing things had gone differently. That I had not let her make that fate determining choice. That I had stopped her from making that damn pact with the devil incarnate. That I had loved her enough to step in and value her life over that of my own.
How can something so painful look so beautiful? If only our words had been different. If only the truth could be pleasant.
We sat next to each other on the leaf covered ground. I didn't want to look at him. Every time my gaze fell upon him, my heart leapt. Or sank, or stopped, I'm not sure which.
The moonlight poured through the treetops. Any other night I would have smiled. I would have loved to be there. But that night I wanted to be anywhere but next to him. I didn't want to feel that pain. All I ever wanted was for him to hold me in his arms.
third part to that story i started a while back...sorry this took so long...if you care.
Two days later and I'm still reeling from that short encounter with Amelia...dark brown hair falling off her shoulder, her amusement at everything, her...i dont know. My head spins and nothing is making sense any more.
I take three deep breaths, close my eyes, and walk forward.
I slam into the wall.
I sigh and fall to the floor of the bathroom. I'm staring at the blue and green shower curtain, which is currently slightly off color and spotty. My vision clears and a headache fills the silence.
--- Okay, this is kind of a weird story. Keep in mind this is still very much a working draft. I need to know whether it makes sense. I mean, I know it won't make much, but hey. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks you guys! ---
The Shape of Pain
The headlights of the cars that pass by remind me of animals’ eyes. The stars flicker, pinched and beady. I don’t trust them.
It has been about 1 year since I've been out so I am going to have a little celebration for myself this weekend because no one else really cares that I've come out anymore. So to kick off my "long" weekend of self celebration I'm going to start with my story! YES!
It started about with this extra credit school project I was doing for English. I was really stuck because it was supposed to be a project about me and my family and well, frankly I didn't care much for family and I was such a closet case that I didn't know how to express myself on a poster board. But one day it I was at a thrift store with my sister Brooke (who knew I was lesbian) and she bought me a second hand tuxedo. I was so excited and I told her I would where it during my presentation. Then it appeared so clear to me... It was like listening to a choir of angels sing halleluhladfdfgg (however you spell that friggin word). I said "I am going to come out." I said it calmly and my sister gave me the biggest hug ever. My sister Brooke means the world to me. So I had about 4 days to prepare my project and I wanted it to be something I would remember for the rest of my life. I wanted to become the person I wanted to be so I took a picture of one of my favorite guy haircuts (for the record it was a sort of emohawk gone Courtney) and got my hair cut like a boys because I wanted to. It looked hot too but now my hair is a shag and it's even better *wink. My friend Ashley came to watch "the cutting of the long hair" and she was very excited when it was done. Although the hair stylist wasn't too thrilled. When I asked her to cut my hair like that she was like "what?". Then I said "look, I'm not asking for a sex change I just want my hair cut. Okay?". Oh it was grand. Then over the weekend I constructed a big giant Sushi roll on a poster board. It was a brilliant idea. I called it "My life in a Sushi Roll". For the record it was a California Roll. The outer layer was the rice. In other words what people see on the surface which was a bright, smart, poetic, kind person. The Nori (seaweed wrap) was the layer I used to protect myself from the world. Then the inside was the crab, avacodo and cucumber which was my desires, who I really am, and every other little detail about my personal, hidden self. After that I constructed a purple bow tie and handkerchief for my tux while I watched the Ellen Degenerous show.
I am walking in the park, hand in hand with this beautiful, brown-haired girl. We are free; free and happy, arms swinging, we smile. I bend down to the ground, pick up a daffodil, broken at the stem, and slip it behind her ear. She kisses me on the cheek, and we continue to grin. A man with a dog walks by us, I know him, his dog is named Trucker and he owns a yoga studio on Main Street. I go there for classes sometimes.
I fell into bed, still unsure of what to feel.
I had great time tonight, but the ending was a little confusing. After Parker found me we started to talk over some stolen goods. Everything just seemed natural when I was with her. We started laughing, well I did atleast, and laughed right until the very end. I loved the way she could make me laugh so easily. All she had to say was one thing and it would set me off. I hadn’t truly laughed that much in a while, and it made me feel good.
her eyes don't even wonder anymore...