Hello Oasis--

Nothing much has happened with me as usual…BAH….

Wait but I do know that today was her last day at work…which I didn’t know until I got to work and well yea…so now im like blah life sucks and I hate it and nothing ever ever works out for me funny cause a few days ago there were signs everywhere that reminded me of her I saw her name in numerous places where I was like-- what why is it that your name is here?

so about a year ago i came out to my best friend who was totally cool with it. then on my 14th birthday i told all my friends and of course they were cool with it. i wasnt expecting everyone to be so supportive and when they were it was a big weight lifted off my shoulders. so about 3 months later i got the courage to tell my crush that i liked her. all my friends had been telling me it would be okay and that she would understand, thats not how it played out.

Hey there Oasis..

well nothing much has happened a few funny/odd events but nothing of true importance.. which is like the story of my life..but anyhow i continue to document the dorkiness of my life...(i love how i can go back and read my old journal entries)

so moving on once again i have to mention her- the girl the woman -omg the first girl i was seriously ready to die for SOPHIE...but the thing is it isnt my fault that im mentioning her...its a picture..that i forgot i had taken when he went hiking..so yeah my mom apparently got this film developed left the pics in my room...and so i went to look at them and there she was...and all of it flooded back the butterflies the warmth in my body when she spoke ridiculous things.like we should get married and she wants to make out with anglina jolie.....and the feeling of utter happiness when she was right behind me so close that i could feel her warmth...*shutters and sighs at the thought*..so yea i stared at the picture for um yea a long time....and i dont know if im happy i have the picture or sad because im happy i have something so i can never forget her..but its also a picture that reminds of the pain and withdrawal i went through and still live through when she left....its a bittersweet picture and it has caused a stir....

Gahhhh.... don't get me wrong, I'm lovin my summer and all the stuff I'm doing, but I feel separate from everybody else in my group and in everything I'm doing. Besides the fact I'm the only black person in most of these cases, being a queer person doesn't help much. I know people are always saying You're not alone and it helps... until you've heard the same damn line some 20 times in the course of 1 year. That's pretty much where I am right now.

I have to work tonight, big deal right? it wouldn't be except I work in one of the most unaccepting enviroments I have ever been in. whenever one kid I work with feels the need to talk, or if hejust gets bored, he decides it is ok to gay-bash. he doesn't know that I am a lesbian, and work is the only place (besides extended family because my family is full of conservative baptists) that I don't feel comforatable or even safe being out.

Sorry! I didn't mean to post this twice, my computer messed up!

I was just looking for avatars, and I came across this forum topic...God, this pissed me off SO much! I highly advise you NOT to read this, but I just felt I needed to post the link to get it off my back. Don't ask why, I have strange ways of getting things off my mind. But, the replies to it defending us make me very happy. :)

I was just looking for avatars, and I came across this forum topic...God, this pissed me off SO much! I highly advise you NOT to read this, but I just felt I needed to post the link to get it off my back. Don't ask why, I have strange ways of getting things off my mind. But, the replies to it defending us make me very happy. :)
Anyway, here is the link...
http://www.cool-teens.com/forum/archive/t-13018

Is there anyone that is on this service? if so can you invite me please.

It would be very very cool of you!

Geo

I guess that after I say all of this, everyone will hate me. Comments are welcome, especially if you disagree with me; I'd love to hear some other peoples' opinions...

Why do people like Kerry so much?? He wants to hand the war over to people who accept fucking bribes. Yeah, I'm sure that'll turn out real well. Everyone thinks that Bush lied. There's a difference between being told something by someone, and lying.

I'm probably just making a big deal out of this, but...my dad and his girlfriend (or fiancee should I say...) never seem to be online. I was over at Dad's house last night, and I saw a screen name written down on some paper. I happened to remember it a second ago, so I added it to my buddy list. And they're online. Grrrr. Why wouldn't he tell me?? I know it's him because it says makemyday and he had another screen name that said that a while back but he got rid of aol.

Yea.....

so in this last couple days or so i have been hit on while purchasing items in random stores..see i really havent had this happen before but its as if all the sudden im giving off woman vibes...

and i have to say the funniest thing is when a guy asks me why i dont have a bf im not even a little out...so of course i blush furiousy and giggle...and of course the guy just keeps rambling...but one day im gonna have the courage to be like ...well gee i like girls does that explain why i dont have a bf??

Me: You're an idiot.

Me 2: Pardon me?

Me: You heard me, I-D-I-O-T. Idiot. Plain and simple.

Me 2: And what specifications do you have that qualify you to make this sudden proclamation?

Me: I could list them all, but I have better things to do with my time.

Me 2: Moving on then. Why am I an idiot? What supreme blunder have I recently committed that makes me such an idiot?

Me: What haven't you done recently? You turned 18. Big deal. You got your nose pierced, who cares? You are screwing up your furture. Single handedly you are making yourself miserable because you can not for the life of you make any decisions. Except the wrong ones, of course. Face it, you suck at life.

i was just thinking about how much people can mistake knowing your abilities with good self-esteem and stuff like that. i mean, i know i'm good at some things. i know i'm one of those lucky people who can be pretty good at pretty much anything i try without working to hard, and really good at whatever i set my mind to. i know that. but, i still feel crappy. i still don't like myself. i still feel crappy about feeling crappy. i still think it's wrong for me to feel crappy, and that because i feel crappy, there must be something wrong with me. i know i'm good at stuff. people don't need to remind me. in fact, reminding me just reinforces the belief that i'm bad. ahg i cant understand why people don't get that it's not an abilities thing! it's not an intelligence thing! it's not even a body thing! those things come from this. this crappy feeling penetrates into everything, so that i believe that i'm crappy, i believe that my body sucks, that i'm stupid, that i'm worthless. i don't need to be reminded that i've got all these things going for me cuz i know that already! i know that, ok? and knowing that i've got all those things going for me is sucky right now, cuz i wish i had something to blame this feeling on, but i don't. it's just.. me. the abilities aren't wrong. the people around me aren't the problem. the situation isn't. the town isn't. it's me that's the problem. ME. the common factor in all situations is me, so that's got to be the problem. there's something wrong with ME. i wish i could blame it on other shit, but i can't. the problem with my world is me.

and realising this just makes me hate myself all the more.

Here's the story. Here's how it goes.
Mythological Adventures of Wolf #1

Wolf is like lonely. Looks for someone to talk to. No one is around but Snake. It's ALWAYS Snake. Wolf breaks down and talks to Snake. When Wolf isn't looking Snake bites Wolf in the F'ING leg. The traitor tells secret. Wolf plans Snake's untimely and painful demise.

So YEAH. I don't know if I should have just known, as in, I shot myself in the foot, or if I should blame him.

Ok, Why is it that just when I start to get to know a guy, and he *apparently" has an interest in me as well, he hooks up with some other guy ?!?!?!?!?!?! Gee. I'm sorry if I am of the old fashioned type that takes time to get to know a guy. I don't rush into anything and yet that is to my detriment (sp?) Why on earth is it so hard to find a mature minded guy??? am I the only one out there?

S

Talk about a breakdown...I'm a mess. I've been crying all morning, over practically nothing, and it's like I can't control it. I can't even calm myself down enough to take my meds. I'm guessing it probably has something to do with the fact that I start summer school today (just for gym, lame I know...) and I have to go to work two hours after I get home and won't get out until 7:30. My whole summer is screwed, pretty much. Dad was going to take us to 6 flags but says he wants to do it on a Wednesday. One of the days I have summer school, and the only day I work each week. He says it's cheaper. I told him I'd be really busy and it was a bad idea for me to miss these things, but he never made any effort to say he'd at least TRY to take us on a different day.

so for the last few days i couldnt get oasis to work and i was flipping cause i wanted to blog and oasis has practically become like a daily thing for me anyways now its working so its all good...funny thing is i have nothing to really blog about except im really really happy cause my rents are away and well its just awesome....

i also have sunburn..it hurts....and at work yesterday i made an ass of myself in front of the mysterious girl that im like infatuated with HAHAHAHA i laugh just thinking about it....

helloooo-

thank you for your support..it realy does help...i got one of the few laughs of my day from your comment "YOU ARE GOD"
actually it still makes me giggle whn i read it thanks babe..
*giggles*

but yeah ive been dealing with my rents for at least 5 months now...and well its getting closer to the point where im just like BLAHHH shut the f*ck up and please go away...and i totally understand the crying thing...i totally dont cry but its like ive been holding in all these feelings for so long that the slightest thing pushes me over the edge and i tear up ....its sad and pathetic...after i wrote my earlier post me and my mom fought again whats worse i had to go to work so on top of being late i was in a real shitty mood.....*GRRR*. she made me so angry i ripped her flowers out of the ground on my way to my car....i know its a childish thing to do but at the moment i couldnt resist....*hangs head in shame*

hello-

so it seems that on a usual daily basis my rents yell at me or scream at me or talk furiously to me at least once a day and frankly im getting sick of it i dont know what to do ...it seems that when i try to talk to them it really does just get worse and im so frustrated i dont know what to do...

my mom says i have an attitude but i know she does not understand where im coming from she knows nothing bout me and well i havent made the effort to tell her but at the same time im afraid if i do tell her anything about my sexuality and why its causing me to be "grumpy " or whatever or to isolate myslf from our family ---well things will surely get worse if not absolutely unbearable....