I didn't think that coming out to my mother would feel this lousy. I was open about my sexuality in school, evrywhere, except my family. I am such a self-confident person but my mother was too conservative to be that way at home. But today, she looked at me and ask me that question, I couldn't lie I just couldn't. Then she said the most ridiculous and hurtful word; "why?" like as if I decided to be this way to piss her off.
Why is it that when I try to get people to tell me why homosexuality is wrong without using the bible they can't do it? Why is it that if I say I am homosexual or bisexual then I couldn't possibly love God? Who made these rules? Did God? Did he really wish to punish millions of people for something that isn't their fault? And who the hell decided that being gay was a fuckin choice?! Why would I choose to be hated by my own narrow-minded family?! Hell, I'm bisexual.
My life still hasn't gotten any better. Tho I'm not crying as much. My ex has helped me get thru it tho. I also found out that there are gay and bi people at my church that are my age that kno about me, but they don't kno i kno about them. I have to go now so I can pass a chem test. I need a whole bunch of prayer, but hold on can bi people still pray or are they banned from that too? I'll talk l8r
First to introduce myself. I am a 15 year old lesbian. I am in the closet. I go to bording school, spend my life doing homework as a result. I am a cutter, just was found out at school about 4 weeks ago. I hate our school therapist who I am required to see at least once a week, and also dislike my R.A. I am in love with my best friend, the prettiest girl in the world, most likely straight. I live in the same dorm with her and at this point everyone I know likely knows that I am in love with her, except her.
Recently I've been becoming increasingly more aware of how many of my bisexual friends are acting--different. I don't know if I mean that in a bad way or a good way, i mean, they are my friends, but it's kinda creepy. I mean, i'm seriously beginning to wonder if it's not just me. I have known many of them for years, since junior high even and they just aren't being themselves. I'm used to them being real about who they are, and I mean, that is supposed to be the hardest part.
This is driving me out of my skin with fevered insanity, so one way or another
I have to get this out.
If someone tells me they are disapointed in me, that means 'to me' that they
didn't like something I've done, sayed, or decided. Fine; but not if that
person hasn't made some sort of emotional deposit in to our relationship equal
to the right to be 'disapointed' in me. I mean really, lets be responsible
I'm a senior in high school, and have been plannng on taking my girlfriend to Prom. Today I found out that our school has no gay rights and that I can't go with her, since she goes to a different school. I really wanted to go with her. However, I don't know whether I am ready to make a huge deal out of this or not. Especially since I have lost my temper against some of the people harassing me
What the hell. Why did I come to this school again? Oh yeah, Emory didn't like me and no one else
wanted to give me money. The bastards. These girls all look fuckin the same. It's as if someone
accepted one and then cloned her in our labs. Crazy. I definately haven't found any girls here
that catch my attention. Actually...I found one or two girls and one or two guys. I'm actually
dating one of the guys now. I like him alot and I'm happy for the most part so all is well.
so tonight the GLBT group meets up and i want to goooooooooo really bad but im terrified
i have no idea who might or will be there and well i dont know if im going to go yet--- at times im all for it but then i get scared and realize what a huge step it is for me if i do go....booooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
I NEED TO MAKE UP MY MIND by 7pm..so yes ..i also have tons of HW i should be doing..which i will try to do i suppose...so yea should i go?? i know the answer is YES--but what can i do to make it easier....*bahhhhhh*
Yesterday was the end of the first week of spring semester. This is my last semester of high school. I just want it to be over, really. The first semester of this year went great. I mean, it was long, and stressful, and all that, but it wasn't at all bad. It was the first semester ever that I've gotten straight A's. One A-, but also one HH (Highest Honors, better than an A+). I've never pulled anything off like this before, and I should feel good about it. I do feel good about it. I feel great about it. At the same time, I have this kind of apathy (or even ambivalence) towards doing really well in my classes or something like that. A lot of the time, I wonder why I'm getting such high grades. I mean, I apply myself and I turn in all of my work on time, but do I really deserve to get good marks? Why me and not someone else? Its because of this that I try to skirt away from the subject of grades and test scores whenever it comes up in conversation with one of my friends. I feel guilty about it. Why am I doing well, and they're not? Or they are, but I'm still doing better? Why should I ace part of the SAT when they're happy with a 1200 combined? It makes me feel like an ungrateful little shit to even think about this kind of thing. I mean, I work hard, I at least get some kind of recognition for it. And of course it would be in poor taste to fly stuff like grades or test scores like some sort of flag. I could never do that. It would just be horrible.
I typed this all out in an entry after midnight when I got home, but my fucking computer froze, so I lost it. I am still pissed, so do me a favor and don't say anything about bad grammar or spelling mistakes. I normally am OCD about my journal entries, and spell check them numerous times before I post them. Also, this may seem more like a journal entry at times, and at other times it may seem more like a rant. Deal with the fact that I put it as a rant, I don't need people jumping down my throat about stupid shit like that.
This is another one of my rants, today in gym we were playing a stupid 2on2 basketball game, there was different teams-like 20 of them and when the coach called my number, I didn't participate. Then the other coach came up to me and told me I could either play or run the track and lose my points, so I ran traack. I had to run outside for 35 minutes in shorts and a shirtsleeved shirt because I didn't feel like playing basketball. Thats coach made me get sick and now my weekend is going to be spent inside, probally in bed!
I just got back from the pharmacy where i had to choose out of like 10 brands a "saline nasal gel" that is supposed to make my nose feel better...i dont know whats up with me..this winter or last month or so has been crap i dont think ive gone 5 days straight w/o some cold, pain, injury or w/e - boooo!!!
anyways - this saline gel is burning and actually is hurting me not making me feel better- but i think it is cause the inside of my nostrils have literally been killed....they are like i dont know -dying- i look fine-but im not- they itch- are stuffy and this is really gross but when ever i try to blow my nose i get blood and snot which is nastyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! and like dry blood too.....i think its due to my nose being runny and the fact that its like 5 degress out plus other crap thats making it hurt...i hate this..i hate this...i hate this...
I WANT TO QUIT.
SO i have been lazy today rather it was a long day - i had lab that went on forever.....but i didnt break anything or mess up -so thats good for once- i had a reputation for being the lab screw up last semester- my two geniuses were placing bets on what would go wrong for me- yeah----funny HA HA- yeah so for the last hour or so I have been doing some chem stuff..and these hw probs are making me want to cry-- they are dumb and take forever and make me feel dumb- so i quit..................for now....oh and my throat hurts ..alot........it woke me up 6 am this morning--- i went to bed at 3 so you could imagine my mood...........damn germs.............
Okay, now, most friends of mine at school know that I am gay. My two best friends, Kirsten and Nicole know, and they constantly are making fun of me, but in a friendly, teasing sort of way. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, and sometimes it does. I know that they are just teasing, but it hurts sometimes. Like today, they said (I) "was going to fuck Laura." That is not true. Laura does not feel the same way, and I am not like that. Even though I told them it wasn't true, they still insisted.
I like this guy alot, i talk to him online a lot and I know him from school....my best friend asked him out!!! She did it right after I told her I was gonna tell him i liked him....she is such a slut! I am mad because he said yes to her and now she is all over him...i am just mad right now....hmph
and i cant fall asleep.....fuck.
school starts in about 2 days.....fuck.
i feel...i dunno how i feel.....fuck.
this is random....fuck.
I've been hearing about the "gay lifestyle" for a while, and frankly, I think it's a load of bullshit that people constantly spout because it's easier to assume that being homosexual requires one to have a distinctly different "lifestyle" than it is to take homosexuals in as actual people with unique lives. However, there is a phenomenon supports the "gay lifestyle" stereotype: gay neighborhoods.
Just been hanging around the house today. I went
out last night and I am not happy I did. First the date
was terrible. For the simple fact that she went somewhere
were everyone knew me I don't like to sit thought
dinner with people coming up and telling me how
much they like the cd or asking for me to sign
the cd cover for them. Its like hello I am eating
dinner with a date and can't you leave me alone
I use quotation marks because I am actually smart, just not smart enough to do the work. I wish it were hard so I'd at least have that as an excuse but that's not the case, I can't seem to focus. I don't know why either, my mind just drifts off sometimes or my mind goes on pause or something. I'm so tired of everyone talking about my potential, or what I could do if I tried. Don't you see me trying? After the lectures and the crying it's always the same, "Alexis is lazy, she just cares about herself".