I was just watching late night tv on NBC. Ozzy was on. Ozzy reminded me of my mom's employee who was sort of my bestfriend. her name was Conny, she and her husband were big Ozzy fans. Before the big fall out she had invited me to go along w/ her family to the Ozfest thing. Personally I'm not a big rock fan but would have gone anyways.
So Conny would work at my mom's store on weekdays and I would be left there in charge as the cashier person. After a while I begun taking confidence in her I begun dropping hints as toward my bi-ness and it became painfully obvious that I liked girls. Since all of this happened around the time I really liked Dre, I would simply talk about Dre a lot. Eventually she asked me whether I liked girls. I sed yeah. She was cool with it.

Im new to this site and would like some guidance. I belive that i am a lesbian. What confuses me about this is that at school i see guys that are mildly attractive but i couldnt imagine being with anyone of them. the thought of being with or even kissing a guy grosses me out to no end. I have been into girls for as long as i can remember but theres always been a guy that i like aswell, untill now.

Well..today my worst fears have been confirmed.
Its not that Im ashamed of my homosexuality, but I would have wanted to keep it pretty much on the down low....

My best friend, the first person I EVER told, went behind my back on friday and ended up broadcasting my name over the intercom at school...about the members of the GSA...god dammit Justin what the hell is wrong with you...Uggh oh well, Its just I didnt want everyone at school to know... that I happen to be the VP...There is gonna be some serious gay bashing when spring break is over...as it is I already get a ton of shit about it....now that ALL my teachers know..dammit the shit has hit the fan.

Some of this stuff happened tonight. Some of it happens all the time. All of it I'm sick of. And I'm really starting to lose any patience I once even thought about having for this kind of crap.

So today is like friday, right?

i forget when is when. yesterday my mom even dropped me of at the wrong campus cuz i forgot it was the day when we were gonna be at the st. benzi campus... Mmmm, bored... it's 7:40 pm and i'm still eating my breakfast.
about 9 hrs have passed and most of the scramble eggs are still there. people are starting to think i'm anorexic cuz i don't eat much. at school my friends address this issue everyday but then i point to clare and mention that she's not eating aswell. she's on a diet, you see. i however, am not hungry.

Wow. Okay. So I am profoundly, inexplicably confused.

I'm making myself totally crazy. I keep like, trying to test myself, to figure out whether I like girls or boys better, which is ridiculous, as I like them both the same. Ehh...

I think I just want somebody to point at me and say, "Oh, this is really quite simple, you're...." Which of course is impossible, but there you have it.

I came out as bisexual about a year a half ago, a few weeks after I realized I like girls. At first, I was pretty upset, and confused. I felt that my feelings for girls were totally seperate from my feelings for boys, that I didn't like girls the way a boy might, nor even as a lesbian does, but just in a whole new different freak way... But after telling people how I felt and being open about it, I calmed down. Despite my confusion, bisexual felt like a good label. It felt honest.

If I don't find out this week if my crush is gay or not, I'm gonna literally rip out all of my hair.

My high school just did a production of the musical Pippin and I was in the chorus. Last night was closing night, and during the finale I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed before which I used as a basis for my acting my character’s part.

In Pippin’s finale, the Leading Players—they’re kind of sinister narrators/ringleaders that run the show—try to convince the main character, Pippin, to burn himself in a box of flame as “the one perfect act in their repertoire.

I've always been different from other people. I've had different tastes in music, movies, and whatever else there was. When I was 7 instead of hangin out with kids my own age I hung out with my 12 year old cousin and some older people that could have been my parents. By the age of 12 I had a more comunicative friendship with my mom's 30-ish yr old employee than anyone else. Unfortunatey I messed that up by being a tuff boss substitute person. (when my mom was gone i was left in charge)

How come people can't stop lying to me about what they are feeling? Why is it they say they are fine with who "I am' but really they aren't? Why don't they just tell me straight up how they are feeling? Like I understand my parents and family will not be exstaic about me bing bi. Hell they'll have a god damn fit. They are really religious. But I know this and I am prepared for that reaction, whenever they do find out or I tell them.

Monday I worked then the next day I had off then
Wed I worked and know I have the next two days off
Sat and Sund I pull parts of doubles and I really
want to get another job and quit ryan's but it doesn't
look like thats going to happen. Still no one is hiring.
I really need a new job and one that going to understand
school, my sister and my life. I don't live at this job and I shouldn't
have to I have a life outside of it not to meation

I rly dnt like having to go to skool, keeping up the sharade of knwoing for sure that im straight and go for guys, or pretending that im a happy outgoing person or pretending to be sumthing im not..and their all to self-centred to notice im lieing..
a usual conversation.
~i walk wih head dwn~
'friend': hey Anna!!!! You alwiiite?!
me: ~looks up sighs smiles sweetly~ im alwite
~friend walks off~

I rly dnt like having to go to skool, keeping up the sharade of knwoing for sure that im straight and go for guys, or pretending that im a happy outgoing person or pretending to be sumthing im not..and their all to self-centred to notice im lieing..
a usual conversation.
~i walk wih head dwn~
'friend': hey Anna!!!! You alwiiite?!
me: ~looks up sighs smiles sweetly~ im alwite
~friend walks off~

I rly dnt like having to go to skool, keeping up the sharade of knwoing for sure that im straight and go for guys, or pretending that im a happy outgoing person or pretending to be sumthing im not..and their all to self-centred to notice im lieing..
a usual conversation.
~i walk wih head dwn~
'friend': hey Anna!!!! You alwiiite?!
me: ~looks up sighs smiles sweetly~ im alwite
~friend walks off~

So I didn't "get anywhere" with my crush this week. I could write a whole lot to explain, but I'd rather not go into details right now. It just really sucks to not know if the guy is gay or not. i wanted to ask him to lunch today, but he skipped class, and I know he was at shcool today. It's that kinda stuff that suggests to me to just stop putting so much effort into something that most likely wo

How can I be so young and be in love as much as I am? Why is my life turning out the way it is? Why can't people just accept others for who they are and not who they like? When will my life be the way I want it? Why do I even have to question all this? Life is full of fuckin questions that for the majority can't be answered. Why can't I answer any of them?

Ahem* * *

bah...bah....so i have this feeling of life blows...why??

because well it does...im gay..i didnt choose to be gay- btw i dont like the word lesbian- i dont know why- i just dont like it....who knows why...so yeah...well for a while i was in denial and w/e and sad and all that crap that comes along with internal emotional conflict....and then i got over it and was fine....now i feel crappy...

I have nothing at this very moment to whine about things are going good for me
right now, but I'm just so like depressed....if that's the right word.I'm one of
those kids at school that hangs out with everyone only a few friends knew about
me being bi.I told one of my friends her names Vanessa and she went and told some
chick with a big mouth and this chick told all kinds of people.Most of my friends

OMG! My friend read my journal and she is so cool. She has no idea how her IMing me has made me feel so much better. Now my life has gotten somewat better even tho it still sux. She's kinda on my side,(if that makes sense)of how things are going. She truely doesn't kno how her talkin to me has made me stop cryin. I used to think that she hated me, for all the shit that I had put her thru, but now, I kno that she doesn't hate me.. Well now I am feelin better. I didn't get to talk to my 'godmother' and that kinda made me sad, because I really wanted to tell her, or at least kno what her reaction wud be hypothetically or somethin.

I didn't think that coming out to my mother would feel this lousy. I was open about my sexuality in school, evrywhere, except my family. I am such a self-confident person but my mother was too conservative to be that way at home. But today, she looked at me and ask me that question, I couldn't lie I just couldn't. Then she said the most ridiculous and hurtful word; "why?" like as if I decided to be this way to piss her off.