my senses are tingling. something's wrong. my scalp is prickling, and my witch sences are going haywire.
my dad hasn't killed himself (yet), and my mom's doing fine. so what's wrong? is emma okay? is wolf?
i can't call either of them, but i need to know. something is very wrong. what is going on? can any of you feel it?
okay, folks, i need some help. i was just reading emmett's journal, and oh my god! i kept crying! i just feel...so...responsible for her. she'd kill me if she read this, which she probably will, but still. i want to hold her, and comfort her, and tell her that it's going to be all right, but i can't. 1) she won't let e, and 2) i don't know if it's true. i love her, but she doesn't love me back, i don't think.
Howcome it seems that very few
persons Bi,Gay,srtight or other wise
know that all Bi&Gay men don't engage in Anal sex?
Does everyone just want to belive that they do?
I don't know what was going on yesterday, but it was like the schoolwide homophobia day. Usually my school is pretty bad in a subtle sort of way, but yesterday everyone was like really up front with it.
In English class we were in groups debating whether or not the Wife of Bath was a feminist,
because we are reading the Canturbery tales. (middle english, eww) Somehow our group started talking
I have two mates, well it seems more like HAD two mates. They've recently drifted away, conveniently around the time I came out to them, and now I'm on my own most of the time. Today I got the nerve to talk to someone else about how I felt- and this girl agreed that they were giving me a raw deal, and basically said that I deserved better. Still, by now we've been in school for 4 years- and everyone is already in their own little groups. I'm pretty much a misfit- and so a lot of the groups wouldn't accept me anyway, and everyone else would think I was just using them.
"I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've gotta prove them wrong"
Thats my fucking anthem right now. My friends are those people who pretend to care, then talk about it behind my back. Not all of them. just one group in particular.. the closest, oldest group. and when my "best friend" (or thats what she calls herself talks to me she "doesn't want t ohear it" because she doesn't want to hear two sides of the same story. what logic is that?
I am so sick of being the fucking pawn in the middle of my parents' arguments. My mother's extremely ill and doesn't think my dad notices. *I'm* the one she calls on when she's trying to prove a point. *I'm* the one she talks about when she's trying to make my dad feel guilty. *I'm* the one she misses when I'm at school. The list goes on and on. I'm some stupid fucking pawn in the chess game of my parents' relationship.
wow it seems like all i ever do is work, i go to school and work, i leave school and go to work, i get off work and do homework. Then i have to "work" through my friends' problems. It's hard enough trying to sort through my own problems (like ALWAYS being single, i really do have less trivial problems), i just wish i had some time to relax. Oh look what time it is, time to go to work, god forbid i EVER have a day off or a weekend....
How come all the newes on the site is the
fucking UK, you would think that no one here
is from the U.S. or anywhere else where Bi,Gays,Lesibans,or Trans
Ever notice how everyone thinks that being bi is either a nonexistant sexuality r a "phase"?
I'm very proud of who I am and I have strived to show people my true colors for years.
I'm only 14 years old.
I think I need help....
My father has really been pissing me off with all of his crap. He told my brother and I months ago that he was moving out, he's been living with his fiance since the beginning of the summer. But every so often he has to come over here and start fucking with that shit. DOPE. I know when he's high and I know when he's on some bullshit. I can see it coming a mile away with him. After all I'm just like him.
Sometimes life is just there, you don’t always feel like you in it. It’s not that you not here at all just a strange detached feeling, like the world is passing you by. But instead of a feeling of calm you are over whelmed with thoughts of failure, and uncertainty. I would think that as the world passed you by you could just sit and watch, not have to worry about catching up. Why do I sit here alone in this kitchen and feel as if life is out there for the taking but I have no way of grabbing hold.
I hate life. Life is pointless. I don't care what anyone says. I have my reasons.
I especially hate my older sisters today; I have the incredible urge to do something mean and evil to them.
I fucking hate whoever is setting up fraudulant charities during this crisis. The greedy bastards can burn in hell.
I hate this school and I'd rather die than go back to that hell on Tuesday.
This is slightly irrelevant, however, I'd feel like a capital-D dork if I posted it on my other journal site. I set the topic as "rant," though this really isn't a negative spiel. It's just a tangent of thought that I'd like to follow about reading, learning, and writing. Read on if you wish . . .
The kids I usually help with their problems since they were in kindergarten, are now going into 7th grade and all I could say when I saw them off before, "Wow you guys are getting old!" funny thing was they said I was getting old myself. I mean I am 16, and searching for a college while they are looking for a high school. It is kind of depressing, knowing that they have problems these days that I can't help them with because I never dated anyone in my life and a few of them are dating now.
I am a bit tired of the act, I have been putting up. Heh, I finally came out to a rather large group of my friends and they took it well considering a few are a tad bit homophobic. But I didn't tell everyone, because it could lead to me having to leave my school because my parents would kick me out of the house. So yeah at the same time one of my best friends is sick and in need of a surgery, and she never had one before while I had a few.
I am not okay, I am not smiling, I barely laugh anymore, I'm not as happy as I once was. I never in my life seriously entertained the thoughts of killing myself and wanting to cut again and wanting to run away. I just want to go to a place where people can accept who I am and not try and change me all the damn day long. I guess I am happy at thimes thoughh. And that is when I am alone or with my real friends. I hope I make more of those at school, since I have to leave my other ones. -Damn the parents-
Crap. What the hell am I doing?
Well it been changing season.
I think I've fixed my life. I haven't talked to my dad in months. He's some fucked up shit.
Lately I've been going by the name of kari. My real name is karina, not too different I realize but I like it. I'm trying to convince my mom to change my last name. Have the full change, ya know but she usually shrugs off the request. I think it might happen though. She seems pleased with how I've been changing. Right now though I'm trying to be the girl my mom raised. I've been eating my pizza with a knife and fork!
so today I'm kind of mad. when I went to school I met this friend and we really hit it off and we became really really close (in an non romatic way) (even though I think I may like her...which could be the root of my problem). she helped me through a really rough time, totally standing by me, making me laugh when I could use it and listening. I helped her out too, we were like best buds. she decided to transfer schools, which is fine because I want her to be happy and she wasn't really at our school. I'm disappointed because she won't be at school, but I want her to be happy.