Nrgh. I just .. Spontaneously started like, BAWLING. I hardly cry.. I mean the only real time I've cried in the past two years... I can't remember. Today, a song came on the radio and I just broke down... I think I'm going to break soon. There's only so much friends can do to help... What I hate the most about this is why.

People make me wanna cry my armor is broken and the wall is down. I’ve been stabbed in the back and kicked to the ground I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I don’t know who to trust anymore, I don’t know who my friends are. I’m gone and I don’t think I’m coming back, my mind has cracked.

I need to fucking fall in love.

Why is it so fucking hard.
I can't even feel that feeling anymore. It's all physical. Or about my ego. It's about competition, image, pleasure. Whatever.
I just want to fall completely ridiculously openly desperately in love with someone perfect.

But none of them are perfect. They're just stupid or clingy or boring or pathetic or useless or bitchy.

I had a dream last night. It's weird I can't describe it. But I hugged some imaginary boy I didn't know and cried. It felt real. I know dreams don't mean shit, but it reminded me when I wasn't single.

Wednesday night, 11pm.

I think to write, to write convincingly no matter how trivial, serious or amusing, you must feel passionate or strongly about something (even if it's strong apathy). Something you believe in, or something that has provoked some sort of emotion in you. It must be genuinely felt. Even when you can relate to something, writing the transferred experiences are still never as convincing applied under speculation.

That's why sometimes I can't write.

I've been living in my head a lot lately, I guess that's why I can't make simple conversation. Sorry everyone. I feel bad about it, but I just don't know what I need to do to get myself to snap out of it. I feel awkward as hell talking about everything. And when I do talk it pretty much just blurts out of my mouth.

There have been plenty of times in my life when I've just felt like I needed an outlet. This is obviously one of them. I actually had an Oasismag journal back in High School, when I was first exploring and figuring out my sexuality - the uid and password, however, are long gone (and probably "good riddance" - who knows what I was writing about back then...

Anyone reading anything decent?

My brain just splattered everywhere. FUCK. That is kind of why I hate and love B all at the same time. She's an evil bitch, but damn she can be really hot sometimes. I think I just like the idea of being dominated.

And fuck this is awkard typing in teh computer lab at my school. Thankfully no one knows who B is. I mean they do, just they don't know her as B. lol

Maux-- I feel kind of bad for leaving you there. T-T That isn't really what a friend should do and I'm sorry that is kind of my shit to deal with and not yours. So I feel like pond scum.

Hi. My name isn't Gabby but I am 21. However, my parents insist on treating me like a sixteen year-old (and I suppose I let them). I am not rebellious. I love my parents. I appreciate everything they have done for me (and that's a lot). It's difficult for me to break away. It's kind of like our family is a living organism and each person in the family is a vital organ or vessel. All the organs and vessels are connected and twisted around each other. If one separates from the rest...the organism dies (and I imagine a horrible tortuous death). I don't want to cause this.

One of those late night rants, those modulated murmurs and voices in my head that has no real direction and continues to keep me awake.

Is it true that we spend too much time doing and not being?

We pursue happiness, yet the results are usually futile. The efforts are self defeating and we need to indulge ourselves in what makes us happy without knowing it - we simply be happy.

From reading the comments that Jeff and Adam left on my journal. I have more to think about. I know that being bi has nothing to do with having a threesome. I know that. I also know that being monogamous can be difficult for some people. For example, my gf. And I'm really proud of her for talking to me about it. Not that she's cheated on me, but that she feels like she needs something that I can't give her. Great that she's talking to me about it. But god it makes me feel like an asshole. Even though I know it shouldn't. She's only been with guys. I get it.

So, I messaged this "ex friend." And she had a lot to say about how shitty I am. Which means... I probably shouldn't talk to this bitch. Also she blames being sexually abused for fucking me over, like wtf. How does that have anything to do with anything? Like seriously? Shouldn't you be a good person whether you were abused or not? I mean we all have our issues. My parents are divorced, and remarried. I've come out to all of them, and quite frankly, it's not been the most comfortable living situation after wards. My step-mom is kind of weirded out by the fact that I'm gay. Oh, well.

SO FUCKING TIRED!

Where to start?

School is so frickin busy.

Kentoris auditions yesterday... that was okay. Just went on for ages. Me and my friends bought a whole roast chicken and ate it at school for dinner because it went on for THAT long. (The chicken was delicious though)

BUT TODAY-

Swimming sports (tiring), volleyball training (extra tiring and mild rashes)... then buying fifty fucking buckets from the warehouse and carrying them home on the bus- that was a fucking workout and a half. Even holding a fucking fork for dinner feels heavy.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Gaddamit. I can't deal with not being honest anymore. I mean, I don't have half the drama any of you guys have (in fact, I kinda go into negatives), but I can't stand it!

So after a solid month of doing nothing but work and sitting around x_x I decided to get off my butt and go for a bike ride.

So, new here, (Hi! xD)

I'm danish, gay, and somehow whinded up with a friend of mine telling me I looked like a guy.. I don't think so, but I think it funny though.. :P Just because I looooove ties..

Absolutely ridiculous. Here I am, back in my hometown, when some old friends are like: "Hey, let's hang out at the mall." So I'm all for it, but I get a call from my mother saying I can't go unsupervised because she doesn't know these kids. What the hell? I thought maybe getting away from her for a few weeks would make her just a smidge less controling. SURPRISE. I was wrong.
Regardless.

Alright, rant time.

By the way... thank you guys so much for the comments! Makes it all so much better :)

By the way #2 - I'm listening to depressing Russian music, so thoughts might be a bit jumbled.

-Laughing gas, makes you giddy. I'm giddy. Ugh.

If you know me you know that religion has never played a large role in my life. It's never been part of whatever I've been trying to do with my life and I've never seen the need for it. Over the course of my life, I've met people who feel the same. We don't feel we need religion and haven't tried to. Some of them have tried out different religions and realized that none of them work out.