I am afloat amidst a sea of printed papers, buoyed only by the scent of overripe strawberries. Trying not to dip my head under, for fear of being swallowed up by the monsters hidden in the words. I bob up, and down, on wordy waves, and wait for someone to find me. Eventually, the pages become taller, the waves, more violent. I look up, at the calm grey sky, only to find that it has erupted, in silent crashes of thunder and streaks of white light-ning. My world is turned upside down, and I lose the strawberry scent, that has carried me so far; like losing a lover, when you need one the most.
Every day I am who I am, I am who I try to be, am who other people see me to be. I get so sick of it. In THE AGE OF RESON, Jean-paul Sartre says something along the lines of, if a misfit is proud of his status as such, then he's doomed, basically. Sartre says that if people don't comply to the norm, they shouldn't be proud of who they are. I love a lot of Sartre's points, but upon finishing THE AGE OF REASON, I was completely depressed. Ah, well.
If I were to write you a letter it would describe the waves and how they come and go like love. It would describe being light as air as if one were swimming in tropical mist. And how nothing is ever concrete in the ocean with the moon and her tides which the world abides to yet revolves freely from. It would paint a picture in your mind of a boat upon mist in the water. You would taste the salt and feel the haze upon your damp fingers where undreneath sand lies upon your nails. I would see the skies reflect upon your eyes as they bubbled in upon grey sand. And Black clouds would clash with every splash of the violent slashes of the shore. And sea beds would scream everytime they came with grey anger in their eyes. And sea walls would stand tall in spite of it all slowly as they wither.
hey folks. i'm so sorry i haven't been on for so long. i am really not doing well. the whole bipolar thing just really gets me down. i haven't gone to school for more than a week, and there's no sign of it getting better any time soon. so yeah. i'll try to post when i can, but right now, i'm probably not going to be on every day. some days, it's all i can do to get out of bed in the morning. today i did, and my cello teacher came over, and she and my mom and i had a real conversation. only thing was, i couldn't meet her eyes. she's so awsome. even when i'm down, she is always there to support me, and make me feel better. and she gives the most incredible hugs! so anyway... what's up with you guys?
Where is it written that life should be easy? When did if become reasonable for people to try to change themselves, for the sake of comfort or convenience? Why do we take all our energy for improvement, for doing good, and turn it inward?
I just came home from a very upsetting session with my therapist. I don't want to see her, or anybody else that, ever again.
I love myself, I love my life. I am what I am. And if what I am is painful, so be it. I was made this way, this is how I am meant to be. Why shouldn't I suffer?
I know I asked this question about a million times but every time I try to do it, it doesn’t work! So, I really want to change my avatar picture and I can’t do it. I got so pissed today I started crying...I always cry about stupid things lately...anyways, can someone help me? And dumb it down extremely cuz I’m technologically challenged :'(
It probably won't have much effect, but I just felt like saying this to everyone here.
Life is tough at times. Some of us may be going through hell right now. But keep in mind that most of us are through most of it. Once we have grown up and moved out, we can become anything we want to be. Each of us will be able to live out whatever romantic fantasy we might have; we will meet others like ourselves and won't feel alone; we won't have to suffer association to intolerant bigots in our family.
For the record the record is an unwritten journal of all thoughts dear and some thoughts not so dear to me. Some are kept in my heart but most are in my head. Lately I have been reviewing the record... I guess I've never really looked back at my past until today and I realize how much better I am but also how much bigger my mistakes are. I have no idea what I'm actually talking about but I feel a need to write out parts of my past for a better assesment of just why everything is so wrong at this moment.
Please keep in mind that this is a letter to a foreign woman in Russia so my English is very short and choppy. Also there are some notes for the slang.
I've messed up really bad... I did something bad too. Sarah and I are fine but she is so confused and doesn't EVER talk. We are not girlfriends but I can see in her eyes that she adores me. I adore her too.
Everything started this morning. I was frustrated with Sarah and our really confusing situation. I was talking to my friend Kaylee. I told her I was lonely (as a joke... kind of...) and I leaned against her and asked if she could be my girlfriend so I wasn't lonely anymore. She said yes but I didn't mean for her to be a real girlfriend. And at noon hour I was talking to my friend Leah. She told me how confused Sarah was. Leah talks to Sarah on the bus. Leah told Sarah that she should talk to me more because I understand what being gay is like. Which I do! I'm almost a proffesional lesbian! But I guess Sarah doesn't talk about emotions...
This sites auto-logout system sucks sometimes. You write a lonng journal which takes along time, and when you click Preview it logs you out because you spent too long writnig it out, or thinking of what to say. Too long!
I hate timed logouts.
hey folks. i'm sorry to say that i won't be posting for a few days (well, one or two, at least). i probably shouldn't be on right now, anyway, but i am. so, gotta fly. i'll make up the facts on sunday. have a great weekend, all!
Hello! I am SO BACK... Wow. Just, wow.
That was like, the weirdest... I dunno. It was. Really intense.
Our schedule was INSANE... We'd get up at 6:30, eat breakfast, leave whatever hotel we were in around 8:00, do tours and stuff until lunch time, then have a few hours of freetime in the city, meet up again around 4:00, more tours and activities and whatnot until dinner around 8:00, then MORE STUFF after dinner, get back to the hotel at like midnight. It was fucking crazy.
so, it's time for more facts from bulldyke. what am i going to say today? well, let's see...
well, okay. isn't it wonderful that we are so connected? think about it. no matter who it is, we can connect about being gay. isn't that so cool? i think so.
this is very random. there, i warned you. i was sitting here, responding to a poem, and relised that my breath smells like carrots. suprise of suprises, i ate a TON of carrots for dinner. yeah... so i got this idea to write a poem, an ode, actually, to carrot breath. i think it's time to go to bed, bulldyke, you're sounding more than a bit stoned. which i'm not, but that's what pms does to me. bye all.
it's time for more facts from bulldyke! don't all clap at once. so, what is it today?
well, i've talked a lot about our culture, and being 'connected' and all that, but what about depression?
what about those of us who don't want to be connected? what about people who don't want to live?
to this, i have this answer. 'It is always better to be alive than to be dead, because when you are alive,
thanks to all of you guys who responded to my last post. the facts will continue.
"If I can survive rape, you can survive anything."
"Hello, and welcome to Good Things About Being Gay, brought to you by Bulldyke."
yeah... hello. *ahem* so, what am i going to say today? fisrt of all, i'd like to ask you all a
question. should i keep posting these? i'm not getting much feed back, good or bad, so i'm just wondering.
do you read these? do you want me to keep doing this? please, say something...
so, what is my fact going to be today? well, i was thinking. sorta about myself, and how i feel about
well, here i am. once agian trying to bulster your courage to live. so, what do i have to say today?
well, let's see here...
random fact # 6) is...
...what other culture has so many symbols? we have pinky rings, we have the rainbow. we have triangles,
we have unbalanced earings (2 in one ear, 3 in the other, or some variation). we have drag queens,
we have fags. we have bulldykes (!), we have butch and femme. we have so much to define ourselves
i don't really know why i'm doing this, it just feels right. and i tend to do what feels right. like
kissing my gf. *grins*
anyway, i'm writing about my necklases. i have two/three. two chains, three pendants.
the first is my jewish star (some people call it the star of david). my grandmother gave it to me.
she said that it had been her mother's and that her mother's friend (a jewler), had made it for her.
well folks, i'm back. what to say, today? should i talk about death, or life? pain, or happieness? today, i think i'll talk about the ups. so what's new?
so, random facts/things to get ya all to think.
5) (i think) We have our own sub-culture, that's not always so sub'. i mean, think about it. what other group has gaydar (or something like it)? what other culture has the option of coming out/telling people who they are? we are really privaledged. we have so many symbols, and once we meet someone who is gay, we can almost always be friends. i mean, look at us here, on oasis. we have males, we have females, we have people who don't know. we have gay people, we have lesbians, we have people who are bi, or who have no clue. we have people who are out and proud (like me), and we have people who are so far in the closet, they can't see the light that shines inside. and yet, we all have this common factor, that we can share, that we can talk about. it's so facinating!