alright, there is this girl. i love talking to here. i never feel like ending a note to her. i swear all i want to do is talk to her. i check to see if she's written me anything every five minutes. i talk to her and everything else seems to disappear. i miss hours at a time just writing to her. everything gets hazy and all i can think of is her laughing and smiling. but it's nonsense. i can never be with her.

forget it all.
feeling of silence
nightmare of a hand
pushing me aside
pulling me away
confrontation with fear
despair
im sorry...
im sorry...
im
sorry...

light the candles
one by one
lighting up mantles
reflecting my thoughts
into paintings on the walls
red.
black.
green.
smearing their delight!
into the ironic scene
suddenly it seems so
kind

YAY.
SEe. I write lots of songs.
and they never become anything...sadly. BUT LOOK.
i wrote one.
well, part of one.

likely mishaps
planned out on maps
stalled by a nail
adrift in the ocean
a largish sea
casting off echoes
like old tattered clothes
lost and found
lost and found
lost...
hold the key in your hand
im told you were lost
scavenger hunt for the hopeless
we cant afford the cost

A long, depressing but interesting article on the late Gwen Araujo, who is fast becoming the Matthew Shepard of the transgender community.

For those of you who don't know, Gwen was an ftm transgender who was killed when her boyfriends discovered she had a dick.

It worries me to think how the fear of not being masculine turned her boyfriends into killers.

yay, she comes home tomorrow! i can't wait!

if i was to take sex completly out of the equation , i would
definetly be with a girl. i can totally have sex with a guy
and really could care less about him the next second after orgasm.
i manipulate , seduce , flatter ,desire and do what ever i need to do
when i am horny.but afterwards , i really really really have no
feelings at all for guys. i hate them actually , they stink,
they are idiots and i really hate guys in general.

i met thi sreally awesome gir at theater, sh ewas totally awesome. bright pink hair an da personality to match. she lik eto i dunno a wor dfor it cuddle with me...whatever so stupid me i thought she liked me. so i admitted to liking her whil eplaying truth an ddare. sh efound out and went behind my back an dcalled me a dike. then i see her at th emall. sh eruns up to me and huggs and kisses me then she was liek hi im here with my boyfriend come meeet him. tyurns out that th etime she wass hitting on me her boyfriend was out of town, so i was her back up or what ever. then while at th emall she tries to set me up with he bi friedn an dher friedns boyfriend was standing right there! it porobably didnt bothe rthem because all four of them have foursomes all th etime. buti declined and so did the bi friend. that was last summer now im gonna see her this summer and im scared i might fall for her again. what am i to do.

it's annoying you know? lying in bed for 3 hours tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable so that you can finally fall asleep but it never works! it's really annoying. i don't know. i had nothing better to do right now other then post this because i can't sleep anywayz. but whatever, if i do end up falling asleep i won't be waking up till 1 at least. i feel sry for my mom. she's gonna have to take care of the kids all by herself in the morning. not like she hasn't been for the last few days cause i've been sleeping really late then too. but whatever. ok, well i think i'm gonna go and try to fall asleep again. hopefully i can fall asleep before the sun comes up...

*Sob* I'm sick and miserable and whiney, and I want someone to make a new poll to keep me entertained, m'kay? *pout*

i had dream i kissed this girl at my school and used to like her a while ago, like 5 months ago and i havent thought about her for that amount of time but then after that dream i cant freakin stop thinking about kissing her and its pissing me off cuz she not really the person i would think of myself having a crush on. (but hey wut else is new in the GLBQT world huh?)

I'm mostly keeping this for posterity, so it's probably not going to be very interesting to begin with. It certainly won't be interesting to those who aren't music nerds like I am, and it most likely really won't be interesting to you if you don't like church music. This is to kinda keep a record of my progress thus far on my arrangement of the hymn, "For All The Saints."

Soft white light, softly bringing forth a note of utmost irony in the air; I am not free.

I have always lived life on the edge. A lot of people think it is impossible to live a life full of gambling, money, women, power, party’s, cash, drugs, models, cars, police, you know the whole nine yards. Well that is the kind of life I live. I am a big gambler. I do a lot of underground racing, boxing, and battles. I fell into this circle when I was in the 6th grade. The life I live isn’t easy at all. And you see I am in a tight spot right now I am complete confused and need some advice. Read my story and at the end I will have a list of questions.

Wander through empty hallways.
Into empty rooms.

You guys that live in the UK might have seen Middlesex on Thursday, and for everyone who didn't or doesn't live here it was basically this program looking at sexuality and gender and how it's treated all over the world and that. I was cleaning my room and plucking my eyebrows and normal nighttime things like that while it was on so I missed bits of it but what I saw was pretty fascinating.
It opened with the story of this transgender girl who was beat up and killed by these four boys, two of which had been her lovers. Basically they'd been at a party and it had gotten out she hadn't always been a she and the boys I guess were embarrassed everyone knew they'd slept with what they thought of as essentially a guy and...they killed her.

Harsh ne?

Then there was an interview with her mother who had a picture of her daughter on a table and honestly if I would picture a preppy American homecoming queen...it would have looked like her. This girl was in no way an obvious transsexual, she looked...too pretty. I know that’s a shocking thing to say but that’s how I felt and I think that’s how the audience were supposed to feel. We just weren't expecting to see a hot, normal looking girl. It was a great way to open the program and it kina got me hooked so I kept on watching...and it was so worth it.

Found this is Saturday's paper under the shared accomidation section. Found it rather...er...interesting...

DOMESTICATED homosexual required(or nearest offer) to share with busy working female in a 3 bedroom home in Rapid Creak. Call...

You hide inside, so not okay
(keep on, keep on livin')
What if you remember more today?
(Keep on, keep on livin')
The phone rings but there's too much to say
(keep on, keep on livin')
You tell them to go when you wish they would stay
(keep on, keep on livin')
You gotta keep on (keep on livin')...
Disproportionate reactions just won't fade
(keep on, keep on livin')
Every dude you see puts you in a rage

To all who I have been an absolute bitch too, I am truly sorry. I invite everyone to tear apart my poetryto shreds if they wish. Bring it on!!!!!

Right, so this is sort of silly, but there's this movie coming out here soon that I am SO EXCITED about. I like, almost cried when I saw the trailer in the theater... Sigh... Yeah. Anyway, I know it's been out outside of the US for awhile, and I was just wondering if any one on here has seen it or heard of it or anything? It's called My Summer of Love... It's about like. Two girls and. Other things. I'm not even sure, I just really want to see it. And I'm not sure why that is, either. Anyway.

I was on computer typing something and i typed the word Heterophobic. But that stupid red line came up under it saying it wasnt a real word...i just found that oddly interesting. How can homophobic be a word but not heterophobic?