that makes people hate the way I love that makes them want to get away from me.
they don't even know
the real story
because if they did

what is it about me
that makes the girls want to judge
their eyes don't lie

they are the ones that are afraid
afraid I might love them
afraid that if they felt the same way

what is it about them
that makes me think
that makes me sin

does god know
does he even know
he made me this way
he knows every inch
every pain
every dirty thought
yet he doesn't punish me

is the bible a lie?
is my love a lie?
I feel it like I feel the air

She always sees me, talks to me, knows my name and the reason for my laughs. She knows everything about me. She's nice but if she knew who I really was, how I really felt, she would hate me, the very part of me that loves, has to be hidden.

Hidden out of sight. Hidden from the world. Hidden from myself.

I wouldn't care if anyone else knew, just her. The very person I want to tell I am too afraid to tell. Because if she knew she wouldn't love me she wouldn't even care. I don't even think she would still want to be friends.

So Last night I told one of my good friends Ruby that i thought i was a bisexual because she is openly a bisexual so i thought that she would understand better:)

It was so relieving to finally admit who you truely are to someone obviously this site has helped, It gave me the courage to tell somebody, but telling a friend and having them hug you and reassure you and help. The feeling is great!

my heart was a street so dark, a small country road where drunk drivers drive too fast, where metal bodies collide with small animals. winter was an unbearable season. on the good days the ice was thick and the cars went right off the road, out of control ; on the worst of them the snow was so heavy to even see and people preferred to stay indoors.

Site appears to be back, but I never heard from adrian that he fixed it (which usually happens), so good chance it broke itself and then fixed itself, which means very likely it will break itself again...

Bass bass bass bass

I rock my head back and forth
headbanging feeling like a badass

bass bass bass bass
music tries to fill the abyss inside
but ive stayed up the whole night yearning
sun rise this pain can't hide
u look around searching for the boy of your dreams
I run around frantically
on hot pursuit to be in your crosshairs
transperancy is me aslong as the wear of those apartheid glasses
contemplating ways to seperate myself from the masses
the lord said that our bodies are temples

I really don't know know what to do.

I came out to her around last Christmas, and she doesn't... she doesn't talk to me about it at all and when I try to broach the subject with her it's all awkward. Lately it seems like she's trying to show more attention toward me like she's trying to show some kind of support, but it doesn't feel like she's accepting me. It feel's like she's trying to humor me and doesn't believe me.

Easter was going nicely for me. My mom's family gathered at my grandma's house for smoked ham and prayers, as we do every year, and my cousins and I were reconnecting after months of barely speaking. Not out of spite or any disagreements, but they're both...adults now. One's in college with a boyfriend, the other has a job and a girlfriend he plans to marry and I can't keep up. But the boyfriend and girlfriend weren't with us for once, so I had my cousins all to myself for the first time in awhile. So we hung out and it was nice.

Sam's Easter post made me start thinking a little more about my own struggles with weight, and I though I'd write a little bit about them.
When I tell people about my weight problems they think I'm just trying to get attention, or that I have a mental problem. But I'm not--I really do have a problem, it's real, and I have to find a way to fix it.

im gay and i have been hideing it for a long time... irecently have told my sister and mother about it and i was gonna ask them for help... bc i dont want to be gay anymore- its un-christan like... anyway they fliped out...and i feel that i have let mother down... i feel that she has no trust for me anymore...i like women along with men...i dont want that!! ive found two things that help me get through this and theyare writing dow all my feelings and most importantly talking to god. if anyone has anything else that helped them plese tell me. imhurting and i cant do this on my own..

Happy Easter, for those who celebrate this day!

Today is a special day for me, no only because it's Easter Sunday, but it's also my one year anniversary of writing my first journal on here. So much has changed in the last year that it's hard for me to believe at times.

It feels so wrong not filling my voids with the touch of another man. It was always my first instinct. Replace pain, anguish with tactile sensation. The smooth skin of another man as he made love to me was so gratifying, so emptily yet perfectly satisfying. I miss the touch, I miss the adventure, I miss the excitement. But now all I'm left with is nicotine and fleeting satisfaction. I'm trying to find my way back to the higher road, but I can't help but feeling I belong on the lower path. Why do I desire such greatness, yet aspire to destroy my own prospects?

You know, girls loving girls makes so much more sense to me. I don't know why. It seems pure somehow. Holy or something. Corny right? But it's true.
I've been working on a poem. I don't usually do that--work on writing. But I'm putting together these phrases into a letter to Girl. Girl is the one I'm waiting for. Now I sound schizo, but oh well.
Is it weird that I kind of like boys but I also feel like a lesbian? There's something nice about the word when I say it out loud. "I'm a lesbian." I'm terribly confused.

i had a dream of ponies running up and down
your arms again, making new bruises
in the same places that you've
found them in the past
year.

(oh, all i can ask
is that you do
not go where
i can no
longer
follow)

http://youtu.be/ohYVsdSAhhs ☆=