it's funny, a year or to ago, i had accepted myself for who i am and was ready to embrace gay life.

now, all i wanna do i lock myself in the closet and throw away the key........

it all started with this guy who developed an "interest" in me.......and he started digging about. and he certainly had no problem telling ppl on his suspicion on my sexuality even though he has no prove whatsoever other than i'm friends wif one rather effeminate guy.....come on, that's discrimination. at the same time, he conveniently forgot to mention that he was queer himself.

I wrote this yesterday after school.

Unanswered Questions

What's wrong with me?
That everyone but me sees....
Why can't I find love?
I'm left here to bleed.

My destiny is to be alone.
This is what it seems.

Why did he leave me?
And hurt me all the way through.
Why do I feel this pain?
And he feels nothing. He shows nothing. I am nothing.

I hate to be alone sometimes.

Blah. I feel like shit. Actually, i'm just in a shitty mood. Explain, you say? Certainly, but lemme start at the beginning.

WARNING: This is a long post and was written at 1.30 ish in the morning. Read at your own peril.

I can't explain it. At all. I am a bisexual twelve year old, and I just can't help thinking, "Why the hell haven't I came out yet?". I haven't come out to a single person, except for a few of my friends on other forums... Yet, I know that if I come out to my friends, I'll end up getting my ass handed to me by... 10-some people. I do not blame them (my friends) at all for being homophobic. They're mature enough to understand what bisexuality is, but not "mature, mature", at least enough to truly accept it, but hey, what twelve year old isn't? "Why not come out to your parents?" Plain and simple, fear of being shut out of their lives until (IF) they start to understand, with my helo of course.

A greeting for today.

Looking for love doesn't live in just one language...

~If you don't speak Spanish...this won't be of any help to you at all.~

Lyrics by Ov7

I was angry and sad earlier and I just felt like writing poetry. Now I'm tired, but feeling much better. Ok, so it's alliterative and it sounds old-fashioned. It made me feel better.

Sonnet for Valentine's Day

When buds unfurl and creeping vines are new,
The rumbling wind and sky and pounding rain
Shall sweep away the snow that does remain.
Then birds shall sing and cows, their anthem, too.

I need someone to sleep with. Not stupid lame ass sex..no hot steamy love making. I just need to cuddle up and sleep. Someone I could curl up next to kiss the back of their neck..wrap my arm around them and feel safe and like the feeling of makin someone else feel safe. Do u know how hard I try to find just that!? I mean I look at every girl hoping I could do just that. And for some odd reason everyone thinks im a gay slut. Cause I keep juggling hoping to find just that. But shes not my type and then I give up.

Ok.

So... I know that I owe [myself] the coming-out entry...

... but, like always, I've started thinking about things (why does that always lead to trouble?), and so now I'm going to pour my introspection into this silly little blog thing. Today my mom told me that I get online too much to think about these things; that I retreat into the depths of my mind and get lost along the way. I guess maybe she's right.

Close encounters of the military kind.

Survivor, American Idol, Sexist Man or Woman Alive, are they sterotyping them for looks, the way they wear, how they are and their weight status?

Do they happen to realize that there are millions of ppl out there feeling like shite becuase of the tv personal gain? What is their goal? To increase the onlookers and the interest of Americans and other countries to look onto them and think they are superior than us? Thats full of b.s! Excuse me for swearing kids but its just utterly low and shameful. There should be a tv show for the sexiest fat man on the planet, or somthing with brains and the moxie award for their good acheivements or the good things they did. Them good lookers cant help but showing off for cock and pussies to gain their sexual bias and have ppl drooling for the best!

I feel that I have been neglecting this site, and that makes me sad! Sad in a manic kind of way, but still sad! I've been doing some blogging on my new domain, so check out Stentorian if you'd like. Also, drop me a line on AIM, but I must warn you, I'm not much of an internet talker. I SHALL return and be more active here!

Nothing too exciting is happening on this side. My band, which does NOT suck, will be having a show soonish, and I hope that I can get some sound clips up somewhere on the internet. And I'm actually doing something on Valentine's Day! It's not datish, but at least I'm going to be with other lonely people! I will still wear all greys and blacks and listen to My Bloody Valentine, as always, but I'm also going to see my friend's band play! With people I like! YAY! I had a chance to ask a cute boy, but I chickened out, since we haven't spoken in MONTHS. Ok, I'll end this, and spew my mania on this website more later! No worries:) (and I mean that! NO worries! Or I will find where you live and beat the worries out of your corpse!)

*eg*

I sit here at my desk and stare at the application in front of me: Standing Committee for Gay and Lesbian Student Needs--Application for Undergraduate Student Members. I also think about the OutreachND club; the unofficial student run support group. They, too need officers for next school year...specifically a female co-chair aka co-president. Could I really do this? Do I want to do this? Why did I print out the appication if I don't?

I am comical, and this has been an adventure in awkward comedy for me.

Tonight. Regardless of how far my foot is down my throat, I'm ending it. Even if that results in making a mockery of myself.

See (or rather remember, cause it was eaten) earlier Oasis entries for a rundown of my suaveness in the flirting department.