as i step out of the car door i can feel the change already. I leave the un loving arms of my mother and walk into school full of people wh actually care. Have u ever felt like your friends care more than your parents? well thats how i feel everyday of my life. My parents can not even look me in the eye, let alone love me. The word gay makes them cringe, and i make them cringe. I love them so much but it is hard to stand in the shadows and watch them hate me.

I hate how stupid things make me jealous.
I hate how I thought I got over being jealous but I guess I lied.
I hate how I can't seem to find a still point, the world seems determined to move so fast I get lost in the vertigo.
I hate howI can't write good things.
I hate how I can't write like I used to, when it wasn't bitching-in-poetry.
I hate how much I hate.
I hate how everything I think is true contradicts the truth.

As I've slowly become more aware of the possibility that any of the girls I know could be more with me, I've almost wished that my feelings had remained obscure. When the dance teacher comes close to me to show me where my position on the stage will be, I can smell her sweet perfume and am thinking about how attractive she is. I looks at the beautiful asian girls in my class and almost feel sad as I realize how nice they look. So then I started wondering: What's the different between simply admiring a woman's beauty - and feeling jealous - and being... turned on by what one sees? I think I intuitively know the answer to this, but whenever it comes to sexuality issues I second-guess myself.

modernist fragmentation, re-interpreted

I haven't been on for a while, sorry.

On Thursday, my mom found me blacked out in my bathroom. No one comes in my room so I had been there for a while. She couldn't wake me up because I had overdosed on Lituims, and painkillers, not to mention I had been using weed. She took me to the hospital and I had to get my stomach pumped. You don't want that expierence, trust me.

My brother, Jack, he's a year older than me (18) and him and his girlfriend got busted for selling and possesion of coke, and some weed and stuff. They go to court soon.

my poem ~feb. 23, 2003

I can't feel; I can't breathe
My throat shuts off
The pain is numbed by the fact I want to die
My lungs burn as the water comes in
The slits on my wrists bleed
As the water turns a dark red
My eyes are open and stare at nothing
I wait for him, the angel of death
To take me to hell, at least it's better then this.

~*~*~*

My letter to Stacy, former friend. She called me a slut on Friday for some stupid shit. I sent it in the mail yesterday.

---

9 slashs... on my arms...

Yet, I should not have let
your hands hold me close
or your words steal my heart

I feel really happy for the first time in awhile. Don't get me wrong, my life's far from perfect, but now it feels like everything will be okay, eventually. It's like something inside of me just clicked...My dilemma of the moment is what to do about my upcoming Dorm Dance.

Now that I have your attention...The other night I posted a 'thought' about Porn...Now I've come to another situation that allows for the same line of thinking to apply. No, this has nothing to do with Porn or rape, however it does have to do with distraction and blame...And yes, I'll mention the soccer team again...

This is the way my brain works...

Okay heres the thing, I have come to a grim conclusion of quiting this stupid college. I am not proud of it, but when one's becomes very fusterated, one's has no choice but to drop out. To fail the classes and get bad GPA on your record is not ideal. So I have two choices, to try and work very hard to get all A's to bring the grades up with missing class I have missed. Or quit to save yourself the burden.

Last nite at a friends place the discussion came up with the guys. How much money would it take for you to give another guy a blow job. I was the only gay one there, there was an interesting conversationa bout it. every guy said they would do it for a certain amount of money. except for one guy. he said he would probably need heavy counselling after it. my response? "You'd cretainly have the money to pay for it"

I feel so much commotion in my mind and body, it's driving me insane. My stomach is shooting with fire crackers and my mind is compressed with heavy rocks, my breath is suffocated in my own lungs. Am I being reasonable, blaming life for my own annoyances? Do I have a right to crib about something so insignificant as not having a girlfriend? An empty mind really is a devil's workshop, but an overwhelemed mind is a devil's worst enemy.