Okay, I thought of some quotes...
I spent the day with my boyfriend yesterday and I had a wonderful time. It was strange to be with him here, near my home. We went to all of the normal places, places where I could easily run into people I know, and I enjoyed the thrill of it. It didn't matter, because I loved being with him.
We started our day by going to lunch at some place way out in the middle of nowhere. The waitresses' names were Billie and Becky Lou and the like, and the parking lot was filled with pickup trucks. Before we got out of the car, he gave me a flower, and I had to try my hardest not to kiss him right there. I reminded him that we had to be discrete, though; I pointed out where we were. "There are plenty of fences for us to be tied to out here," I told him. It wasn't as melodramatic as it sounds. We both smiled. We had just seen The Laramie Project, both a stage version and the movie, the week before, and it was sort of a catalyst for the relationship.
I am back. I've been gone due to recent surgery and haven't been able reach a computer. But I am back! I was thinking the other day,(yes I know, run and hide)how family will betray family. How they will take dark secrets and use them against you.
Well, its been almost a full moon cycle since I have made a blog. NOt much is new really with me, work work and more work. talking to americans all day certainly tires me out. I think it would tire anyone out.
I have been gettn some signals from a cute boy who fancies me I guess, Could be an opertunity to boost my waining sex life, ever since the vanilla cop episode I have been longing (no pun intended) for some good hardcore action.
Oh wow, I can
Aarrgh... Here's the deal. I came home last Friday for spring break. I'll be leaving next Sunday. There's a very good chance that I'll be on the Standing Committee for Gay and Lesbian Student Needs next school year. If this happens, I'll be out to everyone at school. I want to be able to share with my mom the news I get over whether or not I get accepted for the committee, but to do that, I obviously have to come out to her. This isn't something that I want to keep having to hide. Before coming home, I decided that I was definitely going to come out to my mom while home.
I'm really just blogging for the sake of blogging. The infernal television stole my soul! Againe! I truely meant to DO
cough, choke, throw it up; purge the truth 'cause my stomach aint got that much room. watch it trickle down the steel bars of the street drain, down between autumn leaves blown away by autumn rain. empty is how i'd like to feel today becasue the leaves go straight from green to brown and i've been up so high now i know there's no place to go but down.
and with every thought the sun's light wains and my perspective changes from meek to bleaker. i know there's others taking the same flight - fluttering- i feel them sometimes as nothing more than a constant shudder of the prayer of pain to a god of neccesity but, oh, sadness is all bravado. if you only know what i know. you see, my tears have entitled me to this; it is a badge of honor of which you couldn't possibly distinguish. becasue alone in the darkness is where i stand and maybe one of these days i will yell to be saved but what is depression without descretion; silence pleases satisfaction; my situation is unknown to all.
I just watched the movie "But I'm A Cheerleader", and I figured out that boys are the cutest things ever.
I HATE MY DAD. there. theres a start.
Grumble. I am having a rough time. Ex showed up, that was bad ::shakes violently:: Very Very bad. So I am writing. These writings are what keep me going as long as I can. That and the people who actually do care about me. Then of course I have Lena. Lena whom is 19 and wants me to be with her. Lena who wants me to stay at her apartment tonight. Lena who I long to love the way she wants me to, but whom I can't.
You know, I had everything planned out . . . Somehow, in the course of a month I've quit my job, my grades have nose-dived, the musical ended, college looms over me like a scary looming thing, and I'm dating this GUY.
so yeah. so, maybe im psychotic. maybe thats it. it could be it. probably it. FUCK IT! alright. so yeah, he's ONLY my friend.
I wrote this in my philosophy class the other day. Just pondering life and it's meaning. Dealing with my depression and such. Psychotic kind of thoughts and shit.
Caffeine, Nicotine, and Caffeine.
Black shirt, White shirt, Black shirt.
Everyday is the same.
Like the sun rising and falling.
Hotwired like my Volvo;
I've forgotten how to feel.
I've forgotten how to peel,
The layers back.