All Things Gay

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 04:14:50 -0500

I took them all because I thought they would
help me somehow become a better man.
I took them every single chance I could -
had no idea there was a better plan.
Spent so much money, you will never know,
blacked out so many times - don't know myself.
Somehow I thought that fun was letting go -
of fears which kept me on some un-cool shelf.
For years I lived like this, all high and drunk.

THE ONE I HURT - A POEM FOR JOHN F.

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 03:23:09 -0500

I do remember John from way back when.
In high school I made sure we would be pals.
On school's first day, he asked me for a pen -
so he could write his number for the gals.
I wanted him so badly, words can't say.
We always were together, that was true.
We stood so close, he rarely pulled away -
I never once said, "John, I so want you."
Despite the fact he spoke of girls not guys,

A Sonnet to a Bisexual Man

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 01:56:50 -0500

You went to see your girlfriend just as planned.
I sit alone, just staring at the wall.
You said you'd try to make her understand -
you wouldn't let the love we share just fall.
You went to see your girlfriend and I'm here.
I stare at clouds inside my coffee mug.
My heart is racing, mainly out of fear.
I sure could use your famous, shoddy hug.
You said you'd tell her everything today.

My Straight Life

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 01:01:13 -0500

If I was not born gay, maybe - I would.
I'd find myself a lovely girl to date.
I'd go to church like every good man should
and scoff at everyone who isn't straight.
I'd blame those faggots for the curse of AIDS -
I'd plant my crops by sowing poison seeds.
I'd only drink those yellow lemonades -
the pink kinds are for fags and girlie deeds.
I'd beat up local queers all late at night

I hear, I see, I hold.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 20:15:38 -0400

I hear this song,
it reminds me of you.
Singing and dancing
around the room.

I see a half-colored picture,
it reminds me of her.
Writing her nickname
on the white board.

I hold my notebook
close to my heart.
The one I got there,
before I left and we were
ripped apart.

So badly.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 20:11:18 -0400

I know it'll get better someday. I know all of this will start to go away. But it's hard. It's really hard.

I finally cried. For a few minutes, I just let it out. My feeling of loss. Losing the hospital, my two friends there. I wonder if they're still there or if they've gotten out. The days seem to take forever to go by, but when I lay down to go to bed, it seems that the days have gone by so fast. It's already been two days since I got discharged and it seems like half an hour ago.

Bye for now.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 19:02:18 -0400

However harsh it may be, I do not plan on speaking to B tomorrow. She announced to the entire geometry class (none of whom I am friends with) that I was in the mental health unit in the hospital. Where does she get off doing something like that? It's really none of her business in the first place, and it is certainly NOT her place to tell anyone!

I feel my frustration simmering inside, and I'm desperate for something to stop it before I explode again. I'm searching and searching. My little sister is being a bitch and I'm about to explode, so I'm going to leave the room.

Homesick...?

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 18:23:41 -0400

I don't know if I've ever been depressed like this. So depressed that at every minute, my eyes are glazed over, stinging, ready to leak tears.

I think I've figured out what I'm feeling.

Homesick.

Homesick for a hospital.

I feel like I've been adopted and brought to a new home, except I'm with my family and in my own home.

I don't know what to do to even ease this feeling.

I'm so depressed.

It's been a week, and I've been in -

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 17:22:45 -0400

So, it's been a week.

I've been in the mental health unit at the hospital.

You'd think I'd be happy to be home.

But I'm really depressed at the moment.

It was a break from everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

It was a superficial life.

Get up, go to groups, play games, have fun, go to bed.

I love all of the staff there.

Especially M.

Not only am I going to miss all of the staff, whom I will keep in contact with anyways, but I'll miss just being there. I really got comfortable.

It means n-o-t-h-i-n-g.

Mon, 3 Oct 2005 20:44:55 -0400

I don't know. I think my relationship with my older sister is beyond repair. I just don't know. She continually does things to anger me, upset me, and disgust me. I make an effort to get along with her, and she just makes extremely offensive remarks. She came downstairs from her shower, just in a towel, and went to the bathroom to get dressed. And, what a fucking suprise, her "friend" got up and ran after her and into the bathroom they went. Together. With her naked. Getting dressed. What a low, sick, perverted thing to do. Especially with a 10 year old girl in the house, my little sister. Alchohol bottles in the fridge and freezer, them coming home drunk every night, talking like morons. I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY. I WISH MY SISTER WOULD GROW UP.

Woot!

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 16:08:34 -0400

Oh, what NOW!

The other day in bio Katharine and I were talking about House, and I said "Hey, you know, the guy that plays House is one of the bad guys in 101 dalmations." And she said, "No, he wasn't." And we argued about it for a few minutes and I said, "Okay, I'll bring you proof."

And so I got to it just now, and printed stuff off from imdb.com and what I printed off were the cast lists for House and 101 Dalmations. And oh, what a coincidence!

Avvy - HELP

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 22:03:39 -0400

Why can't I change my avvy? It didn't even say the image was too large or anything, it just won't change. Can someone help? I've been trying to do this for months.

Well, forget Michelle =(

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 21:54:43 -0400

Okay, well. Forget Michelle. First of all she smokes pot. I don't want to go out with someone who does that, though I don't really care if my friends do or not. AND. This made my heart sink when C told me today. She thinks that being gay is gross. So, forget her. Grr. =( Why am I always attracted to the wrong people?? I don't think I have any chance with Brian, either. I just don't think I do.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 18:58:33 -0400

Oh. My. GOD.

That was the WORST 15 minutes of my LIFE.

We were waiting for the leukemia test to finish. I asked the vet's wife how it shows whether it's negative or positive. She said if blue showed up, it was positive.

After 15 minutes... I saw

BLUE.

Then the vet comes out. And says.

IT'S NEGATIVE.

Thank GOD his wife was mistaken.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 16:41:47 -0400

I was late to school again this morning. And to top it all off, today was a day 3 and, oh, what a coincidence - I FORGOT LAB CLASS. I had to stay after today, fill out another fucking plan for "cutting" lab class, and now I have to stay after two more times because of my stupidity. I have enough shit to deal with without the school jumping down my throat because I'm late a few times.

I'm on the verge of dropping out. And if I decide to do that, I better do it soon before they change the drop out age to 18. What the hell would I do if I dropped out? Sit on my lazy ass a little more? I can't get a job because my anxiety holds me back.