And I love him back.

Ah, it seems too early in our relationship for that. We've only been together for three months... but, I really do. I love him.

The shadow of night washed over me
and I realized I had never before looked properly at darkness.
Not with my eyes, in any case.
There is something cleaner in the darkness than in the light;
Something... unstained by the light of day.

The lights of the city, however, broke my conscious dream
as I glanced back towards it and wished it were gone.
My moment of tranquility was gone for the time being.
The concept of it being gone long was foolish.
It could always return, as soon as I missed it.

In all its essence and tranquility, the night was defunct.
Its subtlety was counteracted by disgust,
uttered only by a fainthearted affection.
Still, the night in all it had to offer
was expressed only by those soaking it in.

I, the wild-eyed idealist,
She, the spirited child of fire.
My heart, the fearful budding,
Her heart, the calm in the storm.
And if our very existence is punctuated by four identical
red specs on the low horizon, who is there to defy us?

Wretched sinners,
give unto me.
For fags are aplenty
and drugs are for free.
The niggers are rising,
the “sheenies, green” fed.
The “chinks” coming over,
the “A-rabs” are dead.
The US is falling
to a moral unwell
Faggots fighting for freedom,
please don't ask, don't tell.
The “Christians” are arguing
divide of church and of state.
My God believes in free will
Not of forcing on hate.
Nobody argues against
student prayer in schools.
The problem is when it is led
by the faculty rules.
The war against gays
declares slight against He.
I know this for sure,
there's no problem with me.
Loving in God
is all you must do.
The Church tries to lie and say
that there's more to do.
Pat Robertson's God,
we do not share.
His morals are backward
His “truth” unaware.
“God Hates Fags”
Preach a Church of protest.
The acts between lovers
God is said to detest.
Oh, blue collar Jesus
thank this simplistic view
because the God that I love
thinks not that of you.

So, it was my first time, right. It wasn't quite what I had expected it to be. It kind of sucked, come to think of it. No pun intended, of course. Hell, if I want to pun it up I'll do better than that.

Okay, so we were outside smoking when we both decided that the world was far too cold for human existence. There was a door into the building right next to us that happened to have a heater blowing nice, hot air with the force of a thousand storms. How lucky! He started leaning over it, propping himself on the wall. He made a comment rather like, “This feels like sex,” as the hot air engulfed his nether regions. He moaned a bit, which was extremely hot, considering I had made vow to not touch myself again until getting laid. As such, I hadn't released in roughly four months. We both sat down on the header, which felt nice considering my ass was about to fall off from the cold and I decided that it would be totally cool to start rubbing his crotch. And hey, it was cool! He got hard, which is always fun. I gave him a suggestive look and walked down the steps right in front of us, which lead to an abandoned part of the basement. Sounding kinky yet? Good, because it was.

He leaned against a wall and I pulled down his pants and boxers. He was definitely, erm.. shall we say, ready? I wasn't entirely sure what to do, so I just put him in my mouth. I won't go into any more detail than that. Anyway, he came about three minutes later. He looked down and picked up a rock, smiled and said, “Ooh, a souvenir!”

Okay, seriously? I guess that makes me a fucking tourist attraction.

To make matters worse, he pulled his pants up and started getting ready to go. What the fuck?!

“Don't I get one too?” I smiled innocently.

He groaned a bit, which should have been my first indicator that this guy wasn't in it for the love. I did as he did and leaned against the wall, letting him take off my pants and boxer briefs, which was a relief as they were uncomfortably tight by that point. Then, he went down on me. I just kind of stood there for a while, thinking to myself, “This is it?”

Don't get me wrong, it felt good, sure, but it wasn't incredibly stimulating. In fact, it hurt a little bit. He teeth scraped ever so slightly and his trim little beard kind of hurt. Even so, it felt good but it just wasn't enough to get me off. He seemed to realize this and started giving me a hand job, but if you know that happens if you're wiping down wet glass as it dries, you get the point. It hurt. A lot. Friction = bad!

After about fifteen minutes, he looked at me and asked, “Anywhere close?”

“Nope.”

Then, he looked at me and said the most humiliating thing he could have said to me at that moment. “I think you've got Cum-Block.”

He said it as casually as if he was telling me I had a pen mark on my arm. Sorry I don't like voyeurism and pain.

Then, he said this:

“Why don't you finish yourself?”

What the fuck?! In any case, I did.

When I finished, he looking extremely board, we went up the stairs and exited the door we came in through. We smoked a cigarette and after a few minutes he withdrew the “souvenir” from his pocket and chucked it toward the train tracks.

So, I'm a tourist attraction and my souvenirs are shitty?

Oh well, that's what I get for thinking that a good blowjob will prod some love from the guy I've lusted over for months. Virginity is over-rated, in any case. Hell, I lost mine in an abandoned stairwell.

Last night I
climbed to the seventh
storey,
being a noteworthy
number I figured I
may find something
motivating.
little else than a
flier and a
used condom,
hanging from the
handrail
waving in the wind
like the American
flag.
Ah…
the stimulus of it.

I broke up with my last boyfriend right before coming to college. Mainly because he couldn't deal with me not wanting to sleep with him. I guess I'm just not ready for that type of thing right now. I mean, hell, I had only been with him for a month before he wanted to have sex with me. Ahh. Well, love comes, love goes. That said...

I've been hanging out with a guy named Dan for about two months. He's a really nice, cute bi guy. Very intelligent, rather philosophical (which is awesome) and we're interested in a lot of the same things. We clash on some interests, such as his obsession with anime and my obsession with My Chemical Romance, but what's life without a bit of disagreement?

As I said, I really like him and I'm almost positive that he likes me too. Last night we were watching movies on my computer, sitting on my bed and I laid down and he sort of cuddled up next to me. We watched a few movies like this, until about 7 o'clock in the morning. He seems to understand me more than anybody else. We have very intimate conversations that people who are "just friends" don't usually seem to have. Ahh, I don't know.

I'd like to say that I'm in love but I think it might be too early for that. Hell, we haven't even kissed or held hands. It all sounds so elementary, or at the very least Beatles-esque ( When I say that something, 'I wanna hold your hand' ). I'm 19 and he's 20. He's perfect. His personality complements mine perfectly, I think. I just find it so hard to "make a move".

I'm so inexperienced at this whole relationship thing. I was once told that those who take risks gain more out of life. How can I let him know how I feel? I'm afraid that I might ruin a good, intimate relationship by confessing that I want nothing more than to kiss him, hold him...

Such a simple thing
seems so
attractive.
It takes a sort of
deliberation;
a contemplation
of the fixation.
It eats at you,
effectively,
working into your
mind.
There is nothing else
while all else
continues.
It does not fear
this thing called
loss,
nor does it
embrace it.
It isn’t hard to
glorify the
act.
Rather easy to
abridge the
act;
to make it
mindless.
Pointless.
Soulless.

I tried writing a meaningful poem and came up with this instead

I hate you
Red squiggly line.
You make me realize
I’m wrong,
Even when
I’m not.
I stand firm to the idea
That ‘Strategery’
Is a word.

I especially hate you
Green squiggly line.
You are always wrong
And yet,
You try to correct me.
Fragmented thoughts are
Intriguing.

I want to perforate you,
Automatic correction function.
You anger me exceptionally.

I hate you
Tapping paperclip.
No,
I do not want a tip
Today.

Baron of Light,
King of Slay,
Forever to guide.
Your face,
hidden
under mask,
Such a rare and secret jewel.
As all are trained before
we know,
The light will always settle.
Just call upon,
if class is right,
Unless you’re lead astray.
A silhouette is seen
in radiance.
Forget the crowd,
for they’ll not care,
And gawk at true life’s troubles.
None remain,
stand in back,
Before the great show starts.
A theme of
time,
love,
deceit,
The flex of hated hearts.
He calls to his lady,
“I see your face,”
A Baron of Light,
a King of Slay.
As is the modern messiah
in his play,
Here to light and save the way.

Masks of you
Are finding their way into my
character.
I can’t
break
away from the way I feel about you.
I tried.
There’s just something
in that smile,
In your useless information,
In the way you
view the world.
It’s more…
It’s this feeling that I can’t
break.
It’s in your blatant
honesty,
The way you make me feel
When you’re around.
With you I feel better,
Not alone,
as I do with other
friends.
It’s the endearing
conversations
and the adorable way you act
under the influence.
You make me feel…
That’s it.
You make me feel.

Vagueness is key.
That is, of course
if you dream to be comprehensible.
Organic in fashion
Wrought of old
and new.
Customs binding,
lacking subtlety.
Fearless,
if nothing else.
Maddeningly simple.
Tastefully erotic.
The undulating agitation,
Taboo, such as all pleasures seem.
Sinister inequality.
Undeniably barbarian.
It creates a facet
of society –
a “Bohemian”
Society.
Lacking justice or form –
Though feigning
Creativity.
What is this?
is it but
the absence
of form?
Or the presence
of an alternate
Reality.
What is this?
This object,
This thing.
A culture divided.
Foolhardy and stubborn
Within its own beliefs.
Insubordination!
Brainwashed creativity!
Unoriginal in its desire to be
Original.
Compliant in its mindset
of interest.
What is this?
Easy enough to comprehend…
I think…
It’s elementary in
Function.
Comprehendible?
Possibly not.
It is example
For a meaningless
Existence.
Aching for love,
Begging for something so
Simple.
Simple in principle.
Mind numbingly
Excruciating
To fathom.
Until, of course,
It’s obtainable.
What is this?
Is it sex?
Originality?
Passion?
Perhaps the trio,
Though each is
typically
disregarded
in regard to the others.
Ah, yes.
The brave human flaw.
Picking from a system
and ignoring the rest.
Rather daring.
Daring.
Blinding with
Light?
Love?
Not like anything else.
It is not comparable.
Nor is it
Generally
Obtained.
Only desired.
Infatuation,
More often than not,
Yes,
Mistaken.
So similar.
Nevertheless
Infuriating.
It causes paranoia,
It causes lust.
No…
It IS lust.
What is this?
Morality tattooed
On the mind.
Disguised as something
Deeper.
No.
It’s delusional!
A mindset.
More or less
Influenced by those
Influenced
By those
Influenced.
and so on.
What is this?
A heartache?
Possibly.
Not probable.
More likely
an obvious tightening
in the trousers.
Indeed, Natural
If abhorrent.
Compulsory,
sought out.
Often repressed, out of
Embarrassment.
Not quite like anything
else.
Not like anything
Manual.
More often
Undesirable.
Occasionally
Enjoyable.
What is this?
It’s creation!
Or the lack thereof…
Certainly
On the mind.
Sweet in taste,
Bitter in memory.
Deserving of
Contrition?
Depends on the faction.
Most intriguing
at the very base.
Beneficial?
Well, that depends on who
You’re talking to.
Formless.
What is this?
A falsehood –
A mistranslation of
Information.
So crucial to a healthy…
mind?
libido?
Both?
What is this?
Is it God’s gift to man?
Yet, as most things,
it bears a consequence
and a pleasure?
It can make you
Serene.
It can make you
Mad.
What is this?
What is this thing?
Do clearly defined…
More or less.

Salvation, my comrade
Is but form in the function of a word,
Which may be,
Or may not be,
Vague and unperceivable.
Raving, it’s explicable.
If you have reason to be unhappy,
It’s understandable.
If you have no reason to be unhappy,
It’s curable.
How we perceive happiness
Greatly affects our own,
Whether medicated or otherwise.
And yet it’s obligatory.
And yet it’s abhorrent.
For negligible things
There is hell, and in it
Perfection.

After reading GayNow's journal entry, I had to write this in return

I love being gay because...
- It has made me more socially accepting
- I am truly a more enlightened person because of it
- It gives me a reason to avoid stupid people
- It makes me part of the new civil rights movement
- It has given me a perspective that most people don't have
- Gay sex is totally hot
- The social stigma makes me stronger
- The world is changing for the better because of our movement
- I can get away with wearing cute rainbows without worrying about having my sexuality questioned
- I am more secure in my sexuality than 95% of straight guys
- I made my parents better people when they saw what I've been through
- Nothing compared to the feeling I had when I let the world know who I am
- My friends learned how to love me for who I am, no strings attached
- The world is ready for change, and I'm part of that change
- Being gay taught me a lot about others
- It made me more open to differences in others
- Life-changing experiences come with the territory
- If someone hates you for being gay, it only means that they're an idiot and has no reflection upon you
- The man I love is perfect in every way
- I love myself

Another day, half a pack of cigarettes congesting my lungs. A holiday, nevertheless. Food, family, fun... Fantastic fireworks. Lots of "F"s, you know.

I worked on my book a bit earlier today and I am happy with the progress that I am making on it. I'm up to 404 double-spaced pages, 1-inch margins. Not bad, though quantity never does have anything to do with quality, as "they" so often seem to say. I started on a pretty intense chapter that goes into grand detail about the injustices that the people in my book face for speaking their minds. All quite interesting, I suggest you read it some day. I don't know if I'll ever self-publish it, but I think I'll shop it around to publishers once I finish it. Self-publishing will be a last resort as it's always quite hard to get something published after you've published it using a site like LuLu. It's all more for my enjoyment than anything. I'm creating a story that I know I'd be interested in if I wandered by it in Borders. I'd go into detail about the plot line, but I suppose a magician must never reveal his tricks until after all is said and done.

For the last few days I've been in a sort of soporific slump of sorts. I can't say why, exactly, but I feel completely unfulfilled. I want to be somehow... important. Not like a high class business man or anything, but I want to make a difference. I suppose that's why I'm writing the story. It's all sort of allegorical, but very original, if I do say so myself... and I do.

My parents had a 4th of July party at the house today which was pretty cool. The family showed up, my grandma made her awesome apple pie... The only downside is that at big family events, I always feel as though I'm an outcast. I'm considered a rebel, which is saying a lot as I'm probably one of the least rebellious people I know. I'm the only gay person in the family and though everyone alludes to it, it's never talked about directly. I once overheard my grandma describing it to my mom as my "confusing little problem". Nice. Ah well. I should probably stop ranting, but I don't feel like it.

Anyway, I guess I've been feeling kind of empty ever since I found out that the guy I liked (and I'm pretty sure liked me back) moved to Chicago. We went on two dates and they went pretty well. He had just gotten out of a relationship and apparently he up and moved to Chicago with the guy who dumped him. I feel sort of betrayed... it makes me wonder if he was just using me. He seemed distant when I told him I wasn't ready to sleep with him. Is being cautious really so bad? He's so hot though... I feel stupid even saying that after how he lied to me... Agh, but it's so true.

Well, I'm going to stop for tonight. I'm tired :P

G'night.

I love this video :D