So the past few days I have been laying low,because of my brothers setting me up on a blind date with a guy and since I, not being straight but also not out I just went along with it while my girlfriend laughed it up.After the date was over and the guy drove me home,I told him not to expect anything to come from this evening and he seems nice and all but he's just not my type(meaning he's a guy)and that we should hang out some time and try to be friends.My brothers were upset and wanted to know what it was about him I didn't like.I wanted to tell them the truth I just didn't know how to break it to them.
Since I apparently have no social or love life as my brothers say,they decided to fix me up with a friend of theirs.His name is John,he is 17,an aspiring doctor who wants to go to a four-year university in Boston, and is what you would considered to be uptight. I am going to go on a date with him tomorrow,but there's just one little problem with that.I am a lesbian,and since I have yet to come out
I have been in trouble so much lately.First I have been given at least a months worth of before and afterschool detention for things I didn't do(stupid sophomores).Second, I am so close to being suspended at work for standing up for myself.And third,me and my girlfriend are fighting again.All because fo some sophomore chick that has a thing for me(I can't help the fact that she likes me).I don't know why she does?I mean its not like I put a vibe out to be hit on by anyone,male or female.I just go about my days as the one that is "unobtainable" or incapable or being in a committed relationship,even though I am in a somewhat of a committed relationship secretly.
Enough with the questions is all I could think about saying today.In every class today I was asked some kind of complicated question,like for my psyschology class,in the movie "The Truman Show" how do you think the revealing of the actuality behind Trumans life being broadcasted on t.v. meant?Huh,what kind of question is that?My teacher asked me to answer a question with another question,which would lead to another question!But if that wasn't confusing enough in my mock trial class,I was asked what would be the proper course of action to take if my car was rear ended by a man,who was rear ended by another,in account of the fact that I stopped short to avoid hitting a pedestrian,who was j-walking!All I could say to my teacher was that my head hurt from just trying to repeat the question.
i don't know how to put this,but i am such a nerd!not like thick brim,suspender wearing,dungeons and dragons playin(its ok),science club,and over acheiver nerd,but a kinda hyper-active,shy,dorky nerd(the cool kind).last night(friday) was my schools homecoming and we had a big parade and ceremony which me and a few of my senior buddies made shirts for(one of our friends was a maid),anyway everyone was so hyper,except me.
today i was sitting on the back of my car at the mall and i saw someone that was just so beautiful.i watched her get out of her car and go inside the mall...i think my sociology teacher has made an impact on my life(all i do is observe now). anyway this girl looked familiar i don't know but i sat on my car five more mins(i had been there for 15)waiting on my girlfriend to show up and after she didn't i just went inside the mall.after walking around a while i see the girl again and this time i think she noticed me.she smiled,i smiled back and kept on walking..when my girlfriend finally showed up,i realized who the girl was...my girlfriends little sister(my eyes hurt now) there is nothing wrong with my girlfriends little sister,its just that i have know the litte burger since she was nine and she is sixteen now..man i can't believe i almost found her the least bit attractive.i need to remember what she loooks like outside her snobbish cheerleader ring of friends(from school) and her booty short obsessed style(while at home)i have never seen her in regular clothes,that you know are normal.
First off,I am not an out and about lesbian like some of my friends,the only one that knows is my girlfriend.Second,I have been given more days of detention,because someone broke the locks off the lockers in the girls basketball dressing room,and hte vice principal decided since that I am the only girl who has access to the lockerroom after school hours it had to be me(A bitter act of revenge for getting more detention last week.And finally,I am being monitored by a new manager at my job,who is completely psycho and believes that I was the one who stole $179 from my register two months ago and got someone blamed for it(stupid,why would I steal money from myself,I have all the other managers backing on that!)
How can I believe in you
When you won't even believe in you
How can I trust you
When you yourself can't trust you
How can I plee with you to tell the truth
When you deny that you tell pity lies
How can I waste my time
How can I fall for someone like you
When you can't see past your ego
How can I like someone like you
When you turn your back
On those who care about you
How can I waste my time
let me start off with i had the greatest time on my birthday.it was just me and my girlfriend all night.she has turned me on to something new,ice cream cake,which i've never had before last night thanks to her.she knows i'm not a huge fan of cake,so she knew just what to do!and i have to admit her past discrepencies kinda are alluring at least to me that is.i don't think i have ever felt so "free"in my life(and i use the term free loosely)never have i been able to just kick back and relax without worrying that something terrible is going to happen.that i wouldn't have to keep my gaurd up.my girlfriend gave me exactly what i wanted for my birthday besieds the tshirt i wanted,she gave me peace of mind,an entire evening without worry.i could just lay my head in her lap and know that everything was good at least for that night,anyway when i woke up this morning i felt totally different like i had gone through a kinda of metomorphosis overnight.
I can officially say that I'm an adult.Eventhough I have always been an adult with my maturity(way too mature for my own good).Anyway I am officially 18 and proud of myself for making this far without a mental breakdown!
So yeah today at school was fun,my friends all greeted me with a happy birthday today and even embarressed me with there horrible off pitch version of the happy birthday song(it was funny).And my girlfriend left me a note in my locker simply stating that my 18th year is going to be one that I will never forget,and that she is picking me up for dinner tonight and I WILL be staying the night at her house,and that she(Jesse) hopes that I like the present she got me.Believe me I have no problem hanging with my girlfriend tonight since tonight is actually my birthday and my party isn't until Saturday(which she isn't invited to).I told her a few weeks ahead of time that I wanted to spend my birthday with her and no one else!But we are going to dinner then walking downtown and back to her house for some cake and ice cream,eventhough she knows I don't really like cake,she says its a different kind of cake and I WILL like it.So far my day has been filled with surprises and I couldn't imagine what my girlfriend is giving me for my birthday(hope its the Platinium weird shirt I have been wanting for months)!
Oh the Jesse's in my life
There may only be a few
But I like all of them
Theres Jesse my friend
The girl that makes me grin
Then theres Jesse the sophomore
Everyone claims shes a whore
And then theres my Jesse
My one and only girlfriend
The one I look at differently
Oh the Jesse's in my life
What would I do if all of them knew
That I didn't like guys
Would there be fight
Or a meeting of the minds
I'm sooo siked about my bday coming up in a couple of hours(its on sept.27!) Anyway I will be 18.Everyone tells me 16,18,and 21 are the birthdays you look forward to,I'm not sure?Anywho I ended up getting a few early birthday presents today.While sitting in history my Dessy gave me a note and unbeknown to me there was a condom inside.The worst part was that I flug the note open and it flew up into the air,luckily no one but us and another friend saw it.Our history teacher almost did,he noticed that I grabbed something out of the air and slammed my hand down on the desk,and was blushing with the biggest smile on my face,trying to hold in my laughter.My friend Dessy told him it was aan inside joke written on the note!(I pray he doesn't get suspicious of me now) My friend Dessy after I gave her back the condom,that I'm turning 18 and I am an adult and you neve know when the moment will arise,I told her what I am suppose to do with a condom(she doesn'tt know that I'm a lesbian!) She just started laughing loudly.I pray none of my friends tell my girlfriend about it,she would kill me!Anyway I also got another "present" today,it was a key...a key to the new lock on my girlfriends bedroom door,she never had a lock on her door before,so she decided to get one since her sis keeps walking in whenever she feels like it.She told me it was for privacy,so we could chill without interruptions and "play around"(I don't know what she meant?)Anyway I took the key and stuck in my backpocket and her sis walked by and said,"Just cuz there is a lock on the door and you have a key doesn't mean our house is a hotel for you two's anticks.
Man this week has been crazy what with the fights and the homework I think I can offically say that I am worn out!I did how ever have the energy to give my girlfriend my apology note,which she thought was a little cute, and I also managed to end up having to read my lines in drama without having to look at the script and ended up getting to sing lead in some musical exercise in drama.Bu that is just the beginning.My girlfriend forgave me for my bad behavior and invited me over to spend the weekend at her house,just chilling out by the pool and keeping an eye on her boy crazy sister.
I'm trying to figure out if a note is the best way to go as far as apologies go, I don't know just read this and let me know!
If I could only see past your beautiful eyes. If I could only see past your history of lies. Then maybe I could let it go,let go of the things that hurt me so. Maybe I could stop and stare, and breathe in the fresh air. Maybe I could be free of the things that burden me.Just maybe me and you could be free.Maybe I could just let go and follow you.
Since my Ali moment at school yesterday I got afterschool and before school detentin for at least 3days(considering what I did was bullying)But that was the least important thing on my mind today. I tried to put in a better effort at fixing things with my girlfriend today. I greeted her at the front entrance,held the door open and everything, complimented her on her appearance(she looked alittle different) and even gave up my seat on the end of the table for her during lunch and sat on the other side.