As an update,I am completely and utterly broken up with Heather.We don't talk to each other,we don't run into each other,we don't even acknowledge the fact we went out to begin with. Its kinda sad though,I thought we could at least be friends.
So on,yesterday Jesse and some of her friends rented P2 for me to watch. For anyone who hasn't seen or heard about it,its about this girl who on Christmas eve is taken hostage by a security guard at her job and well thats all I can say. Anyway it wasn't scary,just too realistic sorta,I mean it could so happen.The point was Jesse picked out a movie that wasn't about lesbians for once!There are only so many lesbian movies,we saw Gray Matters ten times. Anyway in P2 there is a scene where the girl is running from the security guys dog,and well she kills the dog,VIOLENTLY MAY I ADD. Why is it that they have to use dogs.Why can't they use birds,snakes or spiders. Matter of fact why can't they use cats,their just as deadly as a dog and it would be totally unexpected.

I have had it...I chose friendship over love.Me and Heather broke up a few days ago.She gave me an ultimatum,our relationship or my friendship with Jesse.I can't let go of a friendship thats stronger than my feeelings for some girl.Hell if I thought the word love had no connection to our relationship,then it was only a matter of time before it was over.

Anyway I had the opportunity to go to my godmothers grave yesterday.She died of cancer when I was 8.She wasn't just my godmother,she was also my preschool teacher.Her family helped my grandparents get me into the best elementary in the area.Things weren't the same after she passed.Even though I was a little kid,I couldn't handle going to her funeral.As a matter a fact I never even knew where the grave site was.Now 11years later I finally find the courage to go and say my piece. The crazy part about it was that Jesse came with me,considering that my godmother was friends with her grandmother. I have never been so happy to cry in my entire life.The first time I cried because I was happy,man did it feel good and I shared it with my best friend!

I get that nobody is perfect, believe me I get it! I also understand that every relationship has its problems, its pros and cons. I was asked with everything straining my current relationship with Heather why am I still with her? The answer to that question is simple...... I understand who she is, what she's about, and everything in between. Granted when we first met we didn't get along and really didn't have much to say to each other. Now we are close in an emotional way, which is what I think is important.

Like I mentioned forehand every relationship has its problems, its pros and cons. The pros of being with Heather is there are no mind games, no deep dark secrets, no ex lovers popping up when they please, and we match emotionally. The cons of our relationship are she is possessive,insecure,and holds a long grudge. I understand where Heather is coming from about me being close with my ex, granted I wouldn't like her to be hanging with her ex all the time. But she needs to understand although Jesse is my ex before she was one of my best friends and still is. I can't cut ties with Jesse, I have tried before and we ended up dating again. Jesse understands all the little things about me that Heather will never know or understand. But in the end I know that my friendship with Jesse holds a place in my heart than my relationship with Heather, and I feel like Heather senses it too.

Love is a strong,powerful,and at times a necessary word. The word love can melt a persons heart, change their tone, and even get a person laid. As in my case the word love is one word I do not use unless referring to close friends and family. Although there are different kinds of love. There is love you have for a friend, its friendship and nothing more. There's love you have for family, the kind that is there from day one. And there is the love that is between two human beings who care deeply for one another. I do not use the word love very often. I use it with my oldest and dearest friends and of course my family, but I have never used it in a relationship. I feel as though the word love is something that I just can't express in a relationship,because I don't feel it.

Yesterday I left my computer screen on when I went to get the mail. I unfortunately didn't think Heather would violate my privacy and open my laptop and read my email I got from Jesse. I walked in to see her reading with a look of disgust on her face. She qouted the end, "I love you and I know you love me too." Since I have never told her I loved her, Heather was pissed and crying. She was furious with her yelling and scream and tossing of my books and notes. I don't think I have ever seen someone get that angry before. Her screaming was giving me a headache. After about 20mins, she sat down and let the waterworks flow, while I left the room,my room(duly noted she locked me out of MY room). After she stopped crying,cooled down, and let me in I explained to her that I never,ever, once said I love you to Jesse or to anyone else I've dated and never would. I put it simply like this....."Love is not in my relationship vocabulary. And when someone tells me they love me, I say I know you do."

I have spent the last few days trying to better explain myself to Heather. It seems as though she really was bothered by my history with Jesse, which isn't my fault she asked! So Heather came up with the brilliant idea of me,her,and Jesse hanging out together Sunday (bad idea I know). After spending the whole day together all Heather could talk about after Jesse went home was; how Jesse was a whore,a bitch,book smart but not common sense smart,flirts with anything with legs,talks about sex all the time, and has no respect for me. All that maybe true, but that doesn't give Heather the right to talk about Jesse that way. Granted Jesse does treat me like crap and could care less if I'm happy with Heather, but she's still my friend no matter what.

Something Heather did comment on was how it was that I acted as if she wasn't around. How I was completely stuck on Jesse all day. Heather was just jealous of the fact that me and Jesse almost automatically became insync and attached again. This just proves my point that three wasn't a good idea, someone would be left out.

Thursday Heather asked me to tell her five things about my old relationship with Jesse, since she told me five things about her past relationship. So the list went like this:

1: Jesse cheated some
2: We broke up a few time
3: I got into my first fight because of Jesse
4: Jesse was on and off with her feelings
5: We are best friends first, lovers second

Heather was not happy about this list......I personally thought the list was fine, way better than it could have been. The list could've included I'm not over her, I was willing to give up everything for her, She was my first girlfriend,and We never really end things!

I have come to terms with the fact that I can't make everyone happy. That my ex is not gonna magically disappear from the face of the earth anytime soon, that my grandma and my mom will continue to fight about me, and that I am not invincible! I learned that as gifted as I am when it comes to volleyball there is always someone better. I also learned that my aunt is completely clueless about her daughter.

Onto the purpose of this entry. My friend Sarah made plans for a group dinner, where everyone shows up with a guest. So that means I am going to have to stay and eat with people I'm not particularly fond of. I can see it now, two hours of awkward conversation and periodic uncomfortable silence, while dining on what I guess to be Sarah's love of Italian cuisine. With everyone from Sarah's girlfriend to my cousin Lexi and her boyfriend, to me and Heather, to Jesse and some random chick from her high school, to Jesse's little sister and her boyfriend. There are some other people suppose to come too, but I hope they don't. I pray that I can last through dinner and make it out without having to speak to Jesse.

I don't know if anyone will read this. All I know is that I have to vent. I spent three hours trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. I purposely kissed my ex,Jesse, right in front of my somewhat current, Heather. I don't know why I did it. All I know was that I was pissed about something stupid and then I kissed Jesse. It was so weird. I mean you know how you can kiss someone unwillingly and they pull away,well Jesse didn't pull away. I was counting on Jesse to pull away she was suppose to PULL AWAY! Seriously I was trying to prove a point that we have both moved on,but I was wrong since she didn't pull away. Now I look like a complete ass and feel like bad. This wouldn't have happened if my friends hadn't kept assuming that I wasn't over Jesse. I don't get it, she was suppose to pull away! WHY DIDN'T SHE PULL AWAY.....

My ex is all healed now, her bruises are less visible which is great. She's talking more now, maybe too much. And since she's had a week or so of bed rest to recover from the accident, she's feeling better than ever and looks better too. She wasted no time calling up a girl she'd been talking to.

Oh and yesterday, some girl don't remember her all I remember was that she is the one talking to my ex. She showed up at my job with her friends and tried to start a fight with one of the girls that was working with me. After restraining my fellow employeee, the girl started in on me. I guess she was so proud of the fact that she was dating my ex that she would try and rub it in my face. Which backfired on her badly. I told her I didn't get jealous, that she is just a pretty face who once Jesse sleeps with will drop her, and that Jesse slept with her sister!

Also the girl I've been seeing keeps wanting to know about my relationship with my ex. I can't blame her,after all they go to the same school and she was bound to her something. She asked me if the rumors she heard were true, if I had slept with her, if I tolerated her cheating, and so on. She even went as far as to ask me if I would leave her if Jesse wanted to get back together again. I told her that no is the answer and that Jesse represents everything I'm against.

My cousin Lexi put it simply your past and present girlfriends don't compare. "As for any possible girlfriends in your future keep them separate."

I told everyone that was close to me in Arkansas before graduation that I was going to move back to Vancouver,Wa and that I would stay in touch and if they needed anything just call. I just found out that one of my bestfriends grandpa isn't doing to well and hasn't been for awhile. A mutual friend said that he's been ill for almost three months. Now I understand not telling people you know and dealing with these kinds of things on your own, but for crying out loud, me and and that girl are like family. In the past two years I have been to almost all of her family functions and have met everyone in their social circle. Hell I call the members of her family by title...Mom,Dad,Grandpa,and Grandma! Our friend told me the reason I haven't been told yet is that there is nothing I can do for her. I can't hop on the next flight to Hot Springs and be the one to care for her like I did before I moved. I'm really worried now.....maybe I should've listened to my grandma when she kept telling me that she hadn't seen my friends care at work lately and that something might be wrong.

Alright now that that's done, I also found out that my ex Jesse is going through serious issues and that she's pretty much alienating herself from everyone. Her sister said that she thinks Jesse might be slipping into aphasia or something......she also added that they were in a pretty bad car wreck a few weeks ago,so now I'm worried about her! I feel like I'm soooo far away from everyone with work and stuff that I don't have time to help.

Well last week I introduced Heather to my cousin Lexa (from the other side of the family)...and they got along great which is wonderful, since Lexa isn't really all that accepting of the people I know and hang with. The only disparaging thing Lexa had to say was that Heather is still in high school,connected to someone who knows my ex, and is almost 2yrs younger than me. I feel as though Lexa was just stating the obvious. I don't really see what the deal is though? Yes Heather is still in high school, but so was Jesse, and Jesse is a year younger than me. Anyway I reminded Lexa that I am not getting "involved" with Heather that we're just hanging out. As a matter of fact I am not getting "involved" with anyone ever again.....well not ever!

I figured that after a couple of months of being single and staying away from dating all together, I'd have time to figure things out. I was wrong, I still don't know who I really am,what I want,or what I want to be. My friend Sarah says that I am stressing over nothing,that my worries are a result of feeling less than perfect since my breakup. Maybe she's right, oh do I hate to admit that!

Anyway I'm dating again...her names Heather, she's a cheerleader and she goes to my church... Which is probably why I'm seeing her, I can have a reason to end things later. My friend Sarah likes her,because of the fact that she's a cheerleader and that she's blonde. I like her because we're complete opposites,she's hot,and she isn't in anyway connected to my ex. All I have to do now is not screw things up!

I'm sooooooooooooooo hurting right now. I decided that the best way to get over breaking up with Jesse was to go to the gym and hit the weights hardcore.I set myself up with a personal trainer to keep me motivated. I wouldn't be subjecting myself to this physical pain if Jesse hadn't put me through such tremendous emotional pain. And yes the pain she put me through was tremendous...my old 10th grade english teacher would be proud.

So for two days now I have spent all my time working out at the gym. Huffing and puffing for hours nonstop. I have to keep busy or I will begin to regret my decision. The first time me and Jesse broke up I lost all control of my emotions. I was in therapy five days a week,dropped piano lessons,and withdrew from my friends. But thats not gonna happen this time. Now with all this working out, I need to setup a weekly massage appointment.

On a somewhat happier note, I have gone back to working with youth,but now its full time. And I have sworn off girls! Girls are evil,maybe I should try guys, I never really gave them a chance to begin with. I can't believe all this is over a girl,a stupid girl!

I had the worst dream Saturday night it was bad. It was about some lady asking me if I believed in God and that if I did then I shouldn't be dating a girl.Then the lady burst into flames and disappeared. Then it switched to my gf kissing some random chick,then apologizing to me about it...then all of a sudden she disappears! I'm real sure as to what it all meant,but it scared me enough to call my friend Sarah when I woke up this morning.

This afternoon I went to lunch with Sarah and talked about my dream.She thinks that I'm afraid that Jesse will go off and cheat on me,apologize,then go out and cheat again. Sarah also feels that the part about the lady was just me being afraid of judgement.Sarah asked me if I think that me and Jesse will last.

So after talking to Sarah,I called Jesse and told her we needed to talk. Jesse told me to meet her at the art academy. I was so nervous sitting at the piano in the concert hall,with all the empty seats. I told Jesse that no matter what I would never be able to get over her cheating on me last year and that our relationship isn't healthy. Jesse pretty much defended our relationship by saying its as healthy as it can be. I told her she takes me for granted as the one who will take care of everything and gives her all of my attention,while she totally disregards my feelings. So Jesse admitted she does take me for granted and understands my trust issues,but apologizes if she pushes me away;She says she just doesn't want to hurt me. This confirms my doubts!

Our talk was so difficult,I started crying. I told Jesse that as much as I as care about her,no one deserves to be loved one minute then hated the next. Then there was a period of silence where neither of us knew what to say. I stopped crying and said, "I can't fall for you again,it hurts too much. Being with you use to bring me joy,but now all I feel is pain." I pretty much ended the conversation there and walked out not even waiting for Jesse's reaction.

Now its back to being single and having to get over Jesse completely. When in doubt, breakup is my new philosophy!

Today I accidentally walked in on Jesse's sister doing the unmentionable. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. Jesse had asked me to run by her house and pickup a particular pair of her pumps from home that she said were in her sisters room,while she was at school. So I used the key Jesse's aunt gave me and strolled through the house while talking to Jesse on the phone. I stopped by Jesse's room first to snoop(she's my gf there's no harm there) then I headed to her sisters room. I dropped the phone when I saw Jesse's sister there with her boyfriend. They both jumped and started to freak out. I picked up the phone to only hear Jesse had checked out of school and was heading on her way home. Jesse's sister and her bf shot out of the house like lightening. Believe me I won't be the one to tell Jesse about her sister!
Anyway me,Jesse and our guy friend K hung out afterschool. The three of us were hanging at Jesse's being stupid,playing on the computer,watching tv,you know just being lame. Jesse came up with the idea to go get into the hot tub,which was brilliant. I kinda felt bad for the guy,K, he was the oddball out. Poor dude had to watch me and Jesse makeout the entire time. I felt bad but not as bad as Jesse who kissed him to make him feel better. Its wonderful to know that Jesse is sooooo free with her affections. I'm not worried about Jesse developing feelings for K,but I was worried when I returned to Jesse's room from the kitchen to find her again kissing K this time it wasn't a peck. Believe me I was alittle bothered by that. Jesse said it was all in fun and didn't mean anything cuz K is a guy.
When K left Jesse immediately turned her affections to me,which is what I wanted. Things were good until her sister came home looking less than normal. She looked alittle different and Jesse knew right then that she had been with her bf. So to take it a step further Jesse went into her room and pulled out a condom wrapper and her sister just about died! She was busted,not without running into Jesse's room and pulling out a wooden box marked "the stash". The two of them obviously found out each others secrets and planned on using them against each other. Jesse pretty much got onto her sister for not being honest with her about the extent of her and her bf relationship,but her sister got onto her about hiding drugs,alcohol,and some other unholy items in the house. The two of them yelling back and forth was insane, so I left.
After leaving Jesse's I went to Sarah's for a change.We hung out and I told her about Jesse and her sister fighting about secrets.Sarah laughed so hard when I told her about Jesse kissing K. I know Jesse really well and I know the impact her kiss has on people,once you get a taste you crave more.... I should know.While I was hanging with Sarah,Jesse called me yelling at me for not telling her about her sister not being a virgin and being jealous of her kissing K and telling Sarah;and some other stuff that didn't make sense,so she's pretty much pissed at me. Oh well, me and Sarah made plans to hang friday night,with or without Jesse.