I am very glad that I wrote my last journal entry, to find out if I was too old to be hanging out here. Thanks guys for your responses. I feel welcome and reassured that it is ok to still be on here.

I have been having a slightly crappy few days and feel the need to post. So I warn you now this may be slightly whingy. I have had a really bad flu since the weekend, and I have exams next week that I need to be studying for. But college work seems to be a no go for me this year. I have been all over the place and it seems that all my work is just falling apart. I seem to spend so much time trying to do work and getting nowhere. I think it is my own fault. I should just set a limited amount of time that I want to spend working on stuff and then leave it at that but I don't. I seem to just let myself get stuck in a rut. I am aware of this yet I keep following the same cycle. Why?

I also have a crush. A big crush, and for once it is on another lesbian. So yay for that. But I barely know her. We know each other from my lgbt society. She runs it,she is very out, she is very confident, she gets a lot of girls. I have no idea how to get her attention. I don't even know how to approach this. I want her to want me too. I wanted to get ahead with my college work so as I could have more free time when I am back in college to go on noghts out and spend more time with my lgbt.So far this is not working out for me. I need to get myself together,and get some focus on life.

Also I have added the link to my facebook on my profile here, should any of you guys want to add me. Just don't mention on my facebook that I'm a raging homo.
Also for some reason everytime i say facebook I think facefuck since I seen it on a badge once.
Love you guys =]

I've been thinking since reading Ruby's journal a few days ago about being too old for Oasis, that perhaps I have gotten too old to be on here. I guess the site does say for queer and questioning youth. I'm not really questioning any more or a youth, since I am 23. I am still queer however.

I'm just not sure if it is weird of me to continue to post on here. I do from time to time still need some advice and support on the whole lgbt thing, and for life in general. I'm just not sure if it is elsewhere that I should be posting my woe's.

I joined here when I was about 20, which was probably quite late really in relation to the general age of this site. But it was the age when I really started to confront my sexuality. Since then I have changed a lot, and dealt with a lot of stuff in regard to my sexuality. I guess I'm just wondering if it's time to move on?

I seem to post a lot of negative stuff on here about my life, especially the last few days I was feeling fairly shitty. But I have a lot of good things going on too and figured they were worth posting to remember.Though then I was concerned it would make me look like a smug fucker, but hey maybe someone else will read it and realise maybe they gots some good things too that are worth thinking about.

1) I have an awesome group of friends. I can be a total weirdo at times but they always seem to just get me. They are always there for me and have helped me out so much.

2)Despite some pretty shitty family situations recently, my parents love me. They are there for me and they care about me.

3)I've made it to third year of college, one more and i'll have an honours degree.

4)I am now on the committee of my lgbt society. A few months ago I was scared to join.

5)I have a job that I don't hate and I work with oretty decent people.

6)I can play a little bit of guitar, I can also sing.

7)I have the basics such as somewhere to live and food and clothes.

8)I seem to have lost a lot of weight lately. I used to be curvy now im just skinny, which I like.

9)I just got a psp.

10)I have a crush on a girl that just gives me butterflies.I'm enjoying the butterflies.

I also enjoy making lists. Well thats everything for now.If I think of more I will add to it.

My Christmas day did suck a lot. I didn't really want to post a miserable Christmas journal, but I have been venting to my friend all day and I still don't feel better. He now had to leave so I guess I will continue the vent here.

The problem was that my sister came over with her boyfriend. This said boyfriend is the one from previous entries who was basically freaking me out with weird and obsessive behaviour towards me. I was planning on just being polite with a hello to him and making plesantries to get through the day. I stayed upstairs for the morning. I went downstairs when I was called for dinner. I was going to say hi to him, but he didn't even look at me. He completely ignored me. It was awkward and uncomfortable. My parents are aware of the situation. My dad doesn't mention it to me, but my mam asked me to try make it through the day for her sake. I sat through dinner, but after that I just couldn't take it so I went up to my room, where I ended up having to stay for the following 8 hours by myself. Since my sister and boyfriend decided to stay all day. My mam came up a couple of times to see if I needed food, but was quite happy for me to just stay away. It kind of hurt a lot, considering I was never the one in the wrong in the first place.

I kind of hate everyone right now.The end.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.... Happy Christmas you gays =]

I've been frantically typing a report for college for about a week now. It was one of the greatest reliefs of my life to hand it over today. The first semester of 3rd year has come to an end...well except for my exams after Christmas.But lets not think about them for the moment.

A few journals back I was bitching about my lgbt society. I decided to stick with it and keep going. In a very unlikily turn of events I have been elected to the commitee that runs the society. I hadn't really planned on getting on the committee or anything. One of the girls just asked if I'd like the position and I said sure. I was then voted in. It feels good to be part of it. I feel like I am starting to live a little as myself. That probably sounds dumb, but it just felt good to walk into my societies office at college and with ease ask one of the staff for stuff for the lgbt society, without mentally stressing out that they would know I'm a big dyke.

I really want to type more but I haven't slept in several days due to extreme report typing. I'll catch you gays later =]

I've been meaning to write a journal for a few days now, but once I finish working on assignments I haven't wanted to go near a computer. I have been feeling a lot better since my last journal. I went along to see the counsellor. I had my first visit there last week. It was a strange experience to go into a room with a total stranger and pour my heart out. But I somehow felt a lot lighter as I walked home. I am going to see her again tomorrow.

Despite the despair of my last journal with my lgbt society I have continued to go along. Some meetings are good, and I feel positive after them. Sometimes I don't. But I think it probably is important I keep going. I do feel a lot better about being gay since I have become somewhat of a regular in the society. I came-out to my friend at college whom I was still closeted to. It feels so much better. I feel so much better and confident about coming-out.

I have also realised that it's not just a case I say I come-out and go along to my society and my life is fixed. It is a process. I come-out but I also need to actually live out as well. I have read other peoples journals on this site where they say this. But it is only now that I actually understand what this means.

My life is still far from perfect and I have some bad days, but I think now I have some grasp on it and to some extent what I need to do.

Ok that is all from me now. I hope all you cool kids of Oasis are well.

Well I have applied to see a counsellor at my college. I have to wait until Monday for them to get back to me with a date and time. I am nervous about going. But I obviously cannot continue the way I am right now. Which is just a downward spiral. I keep feeling like things can't feel any worse, and then they do.

My mam upsets. My mam knowing I am gay upsets me. Well not that she knows, but her opinion of me. She seems to think I am attracted to all my female friends. If I mention one of them a few times in a conversation she gets all like oh you seem very fond of her. For example just now she was looking through some pictures of a night out and there happened to be a lot of myself and one of my friends fiona. My mother knows she is straight and has a boyfriend. But she tried to imply that I fancied her.

I am not sure exactly how to phrase what I am trying to say here. But it is as if everything I worry my friends will think when I come-out my mother does think. And she says it too. It cuts me deep and it upsets me so much. I hate that little horrible grin she gets on her face when being gay is referred to. I feel like she is laughing at me. I know other people have it a lot worse and it's not like I have been kicked out or anything.It just upsets me.

*Also thanks so much to the people who commented on my last journal.I felt horrible and your comments offered comfort.Thank you.*

My lgbt society thingy is officially the biggest disappointment in history. I went along tonight and just felt uncomfortable. I have been forcing myself to go along for weeks. But when I get there I always become quite introverted. I also kind of find most of the other members a little irritating. I also feel like an idiot because I have absolutly no clue of the gay scene. So it's probably a mixture of the society being kind of crap and me being an idot.One guy talks to me but I think it is out of politeness.

I caught the bus home and thought about dying. I often wonder if I had access to a gun would I have shot myself by now in a moment of extreme desperation.Probably not since I have access to many other ways of ending my life and have never carried through on it.Think it's just a thought. I doubt I would ever carry through on it. I don't believe in an afterlife so it's not like I would be around in any form to enjoy the relief of not being around anymore.

Sorry this is so miserable.

Tonight was the night I was going to do it. I was going to come clean to my friend M that the reason I never have a boyfriend is because I am a lesbian. I had it in my head...we will come around to the usual converstaion of "so do you have your eye on any boys?" and I'd say "no, I'm actually gay". Seems simple. I however could not follow through on it. I got scared and I don't know why.

Dammit I have come-out to my mother, several friends, I now regularly attend lgbt meetings at college, yet still I cannot just tell this girl I am gay. I hate that I am not telling her. But for some reason the prospect of telling this friend seems so much more terrifying than any of the others. I think mainly because she honestly has no clue. In a million years I don't think it would have occured to her.

I found myself making excuses in my head and deciding ok I'll tell her maybe if I am seeing someone...she might find it easier to understand then.

She also knows about all the craziness between me and my sister the past while.So I didn't really want to throw out something else that might seem a bit mental... to her at least.

Ok I am really dying of flu so I will end it there.Laterz.

Where oh where has my motivation for getting anything done gone? I started off this college year doing well academically....and techniqully I still am doing well.But I feel like if I don't start doing some work again soon that will not last.
I have a meeting with my project supervisor tomorrow, and I have not at all progressed with the project since our last meeting. My main problem is that I don't understand exactly what I am meant to be doing....and to be honest he didn't seem too clear himself when I asked him.

I also seem to be having so much trouble sleeping this week.It is as if I am sort of asleep, but all the stuff I think about during the day is still running through my mind, I can't seem to turn off.I have been thinking a lot about how things are between my sister and I, we haven't spoken in over a month now. I feel conflicted about what to do about the situation. I feel so sad that things are like this, but I am also too scared to let her back into my life.

I feel as though I should talk to her before Christmas and clear the air a little. But I also know there will be a part of me that will still feel so cold towards her after everything that has happened. I think maybe that will hurt her more than if I am just not talking to her at all.I don't want there to be anymore hurt.

Maybe I'll switch some music on and turn the world off.

P.S I met Chris Walla last week.Nobody seems to know who he is.

There is a lot of stuff I want to do. I want to meet a whole new bunch of people at college, I want to go out and have fun student nights. I want to play my guitar and sing and be young.....is 23 even still young? I want to just enjoy life....I want to be happy... I want to be free.
Life is far too short to not do what you want to do.I have certainly wasted enough of my youth to realise I need to enjoy what I have now.

I think I am getting there with all of this...slowly but surely. Right now I am not happy,but I definitly am not as sad as I have been.

If anyone has a cure for absolute crippling shyness please send it on this way! I feel like I need to write a journal to cleanse my mind a little bit...but at the same time I am trying not to over analyze things right now either.

The last couple of weeks I have been attending my lgbt meetings at college. I am glad that I have been going, but at the same time I seem to become really shy and awkward at them, and go really really quiet. Last night I went out with a few of them to a gay bar. I was kind of reluctant about going, but one of the girls that runs the society was really enthusiastic to get me to come along, so I didn't want to be rude. It was an ok night and I am happy that I went...but at the same time feeling a little cringe worthy about it. I was just so shy and awkward.

I used to be horribly shy, especially growing up. But in the last couple of years I had really gotten over it. No longer did I dread social situations. Normally when I go out with a group of friends I drink, I dance I have a really good time. But eugh last night I felt a little like I had travelled back in time and I was me several years ago...except this time in a gay bar.

I guess it is something I am just going to have to persevere with. I don't really have much of another option really if I want to actually get to know other gay people. I will stick with it and hope for the best.

What the hell is wrong with me? I stayed in bed until after 2 today. I should of been up at 8 for college. I skipped classes all day for no good reason. It's not something I would do usually. I am far too much of a nerd for that. I just feel so down and like nothing is ever going to be ok again. I don't even know if it has ever really been ok to start with though.

Telling my mam that I am gay should have been of huge relief. I feel the same though. She has been fine about it, but part of me thinks it's because I haven't really been telling anyone else. She has dropped in a few comments like be careful who you tell, and the other day she asked if I had told one of my friends yet. I said no and she said she might not talk to you again when you do.Why would she say that? Does she think I haven't thought of this!

There is an lgbt meeting at college tomorrow night. After the meeting I think they are going out. I really want to go, but again I am scared. I know I need to stop making such a huge deal of this and just go.I just want to tell everyone that I am gay and be done with this shit. I don't know why I can't.

I am so so tired today. I went to the Halloween party last night that I mentioned in my previous journal. It was ok, I didn't hate it, but then I didn't think it was a particularly great night either. It was good to go out and socialise with people. It was also kind of interesting, as the topic of being gay and coming-out seemed to crop up a bit.

It was a party with a group of people from work(that sounds kind of formal they are also my friends).One of the guys that used to work with us was there, and since I've seen him last, he has come-out of the closet and living his gay life. It was something everyone always knew about him anyway so nobody really cared when he came-out. It was good to see him being himself and being happy. He looked and seemed so much better than I have ever seen him before.

I got to chatting to one of the other guys that I work with about this guy coming-out and also another guy that I work with who everyone kind of presumes is gay but he hasn't come-out yet. Basically the guy I was chatting to was saying he wishes that the other guy would just come-out simply so he doesn't feel he has to hide that side of himself from us. One of the other girls I work with joined in the conversation and agreed that he should for that same reason. I just found the conversation interesting and reassuring because it showed a side of my friends I hadn't really seen before. I didn't think they were that cool with the whole gay thing.

I also found this whole thing interesting because I really don't think that any of them suspect me of being gay at all. I felt a little uncomfortable about that, in that I hope when I do tell them they don't think back to the conversation and feel weird about having had this conversation with me.But here I go again worrying about things beyond my control.I have to stop doing that!!