So I just revised this, tell me what you think:)
p.s. Happy Easter!
Cold prestine eving
Sliver moon gave the only light
Walking camly
Heart beating softly
Swishing legs
Through long black dress
Heels kicked off
Foot to foot
Slowly, ever so slowly
Perfectly obsevive
Hand brushes up against neck
Dress sashes down lean frame
Collapsed bun
Lush black and sleek
Hand Grasps Bath
Pale skins slips
Into pale
Victorean tub
Every move prethought
It has to go this way
Sword twist into grip
Glides across her neck
Fesh torn open
Blood seeps out
Waterfalling down her throaght
The tub now filled
Of sin and filth
Of the hopless human soul
Finnally meeting calmness eye to eye
Lettting out and letting go

Suggestions much aprriciated:)

you stare and her in such painstaking envy'
she has the strenghth
such prestine wrists
pale skin colliding with perfect blue veins
and adorned with slim red lines
there is no fear
she proudly wears them for the world to see
and no one cares
You want her pride
her strength
you have friends
your naked
but a different kind of nakedeness
they se you the way you are
you telll them what they want(and dont") to hear
you tell them truth
they know of the envy
and how
and why
she is perfect
you need her strength
and then it happens you step at of you old carcass
you 're reborn rise from the ashes into the flames
you hero, you succes
and finnaly you stoped the pain
and scrubbed that heavy filth from you now strong soul
rise above them my dear, soar soar away
your friends....They don't understand
they don't need to
you have done it again
your stronger now
you have the one thing
the one thing
you can always count on
cuts

.Days when I like my life
when my emotions actually make sense
finding poems I can releate to
writing good poems
my girlfriend
My bff
concerts
making out
dances with good djs
good radio stations
good movies
the beatles
moments when I'm not overcome with self-hate

SO this asshole who I thought was my friend. He knows Im a lesbian
C:I want to be Hitler except with Gays
Me:Dude dont even joke about that shit
C.:Oh Im not, right A.
A:remains silent
C:its all I talk about, I really do
Me:C shut the fuck up right now
A:Yeah C. SHut the fuck up
C:You know there is this wedding thats coming up with a bunch of gay people I really wish I could bomb it..
Me:DUde if you utter another word I swear I will beat you up
Then I just left, he said more but I forget.
Im so fucking pissed, why to make life nice c,
O0o0 and poisenrouges it wont let me pm you

How do I even begin....I'm slipping so very low. I feel like a flower in in fall, slowly dying. I have been a self mutilator for two years on and off and Suicidel for about 1. Im no longer feel alive, I feel stripped, and raw. I Know I need help but I can't... I guess Ill tell you some backround info.
Looking back I think I have always been depressed, like in 5th grade I got panick attacks and shit. I think it started as anxeity, thats how the self mutlaion started.. I was in 7th grade and I just couln't house all my emotions, so I let them eascape with the help of my fingernails sinking into my wrist. It started out light just scratching and bruising, I even stopped. But then In 8th grade me dad was deployed, I started cutting...deep. I dont really rember last year well, it was a blur, I was suicedel up till May and then I wasn't I stopped cutting and I was better. Well my dad died in June, was bettter for a couple months, school started, I was still slightly depressed but nothing to be worried about. Then my mom started this onnline dating service, that is one the roller coaster of life went the soo fucking low. She started seing men, yes I am saying men. This like same week my brother, nearly killed himself and it was a huge mess he got sent to a mental institution. My mom started kinda ignoring me and just iming her dudes all day. She was getting slutty and Id call her on it and she would give me BS lines like" you are just to young to understanf love" or "Im an adualt" Dude you are cheating on them, thats not called love, dude our husband died in june and its december!!!! SHe started complusive lying and treating me like shit, the only time she would talk to me would be to put me down, This started the whole suicedel thought revivle... Im know empty hallow shallow there is nothing to me i am dead. I called me Uncle and he let me live with him. I hate myself soo much I feel guilty, I feel like a burden I want to just end this all.. but I know a least a couple people love me, I know I need help but I dont want to tell my uncle that I'm suicedel, I know it would hurt him, I dont want my inner thoughts public documents eitherm I dont want everyone knowing, right now Only like one person does.... I just want to end. THe sad thing is this just barly scartched at my problems... I hope I didnt come off as one of those more deppressed than thou emo kids

comments would be much aprecciated :)

cold prestine eving
sliver moon gave the only light
walking slowly
swishing black velvet dress
kicking heels off
foot to foot slowly ever so slowly
perfectly obsevive
hand reached against neck
dress too now falls gracfully to the ground
long black hair collapsing bun
long black and sleek
hand brused up against the tub
whit stainless smooth
vitorean tub
slipping into
every move prethought
it has to go this way
laying her pale skin up against the cold lifeless tub
knife lifted into her hand
falls upon her neck
flesh torn open
blood seeps out
dripping over stained skin
watefalling down her throaght
the tub now is full
of sin and filth
of the hopless human soul
finnally meeting calmness eye to eye
lettting out letting go

The blade
pushing
down
penetrating
skin

asking
fast
questioning life
why

deeper
its thrusted

no longer
questioning
blood
now flowing
life
dispering
emotions
almoust
dying

why
no longer
pain
no longer

and then...
blood
no
longer

thoughts flowing
question
asking

life
now
showing

for
after all
it
was
just
momentary happiness

Im so insanly sad right now . Last night my brother nearly jumped out a window , he had to be persuaded not to by cops , they than put him in a cop car , i didnt know what was going on. I went downstairs not knowing this i ask my grandfather why there are cop cars right in front of my house , he just ignores me . The stupid asshole!!!Yeah well i went to the hospitel with him but the stupid assholes wouldnt let me in >:0. I had to wait in the waiting room to the ER with my asshole grandfather . well i took my cell and went outside caus you cant use a cell inside a hospitel . well long story short i chrash at my friends house, apperently my brother is now in some like hospitel thing uhhh i froget the name but i hope you know what im talking bout. I visted him today and he soo fucked up man i mm so worried i dont know what to think. I dont trust docters or therpists , but I want to have faith that he is getting but plus i dont want to be one of those people how well just believe things to make my reality better or whatever. Sorry i hope this made sense im just sooooo worried :(

it seems that thats what im doing i keeping on believing the lies my moms tells me and each time its the same pain the feeling that i wont let happen againg but always does. Ok so she told me that she was going to this grieving xcenter i was wickedass bored so i dedcided id come. OK 5 mins before she leaves she says im actually meeting greg ( an onnline dude she has nevder met) for coffe but i didnt want to tell you . She said she didnt want me to feel bd so she hadnt told me , i was fine, but so she left at 8ish . Ok by 12 she hasnt come home yet i start iming my friends caus i was totally freaked for her cauz she had never met this dude right. SO by 1230 im franticlly calling her celll ( i called it about10 timemZ) and she doesnt pick up . I m really prone to anxiety so i was a mess and paranoid as hell, so i get this call at 1 . and i m like what the fuck man where the fuck are you , and she like im at ri ras (a irish pub) and im totally pissed right ., so i asked why she didnt call me soonere with the change of planz, and she s all like i m an adualt i dont need to tell you thingz. I wasnt upset she was on a date i was upset cauz i had been worried bout her and it was 1 am and she hadnt called.
I m really upset at this point an sice im an ex cutter i immedietly start craving it so i decide to see if the rubber band thing wrokz . Long story short i ended up with like 7 huge swollen red linezz on my wrist :( and i had school the next day :(

next day
My family goes xmas shooping my mom decides to have a heart to heart with me about how insanly sorry she is about how she lied to me and how its was worng.
Day after that
MY family decides to go out to eat i ask my mom if she is coming and she told me that she was going to some block party she comes home at like 2 . i was with my friend and he was like i wonder where your mom and greg are . SHe lied to me the next fucking day and told my friend the truth i cant deal with this shit my brother has anger problemzz and occansly beats me up hard i and now my momz lying it hurtz so bad each lye makes me want death . She knowz it hurtz me why does she do this . i just wish i could be numb to all this shit :(

God im really worried about my health . I have insomnia headaches about 5 x a week blackouts dizzy spell significant weight loss fatigue.... The docters say its probbly just depression . This has been going on since last year and im starting to get really worreid . I have been tested for like everything mono , lyme , white blood cell count... there going to test me for 4 some hear t provblem called long qt snydrome 2 days after xmas. And the only reason there doing that is cause my dad died in afgahnastan this summer and they dont know what from and this is a possibilty .
But im soo worried i mean my nails are chiping im losing weight i cant eat a full meal without stoumach aches ( so i dont ) i m getting preety skinny and i wasnt like big in the beginning of the summer but lets just say i wasnt thin . But like im starting to feel faint all the time and weak . LIke all i eat a day is like on a good day a small bag of chips an oarnge and like half a mean but latly it hasnt even been that i just feel sick already i dont have the energy to push myself:( Sorry if my writing is nt that great im really tired and worried :( Any suggestions ????

hey people
i used to post hear a lot when i had destructive habits and tons of shit going on and i was really pissed and depressed all the time . Well my dad died i n june and i have changed a lot. i lost lik 30 - 20 pounds in like a month i barly eat but i was nt as depressed , i think i have almoust become numb . I feel pain when i shouldnt and dont when i should . I have a a litlle bit of semi intense anxiety but over random things . I ll get all worked up about stuff that deosnt matter and not over thing s i should . But i more on the same boderline depressed mood most of the time just stayin there its weird . It may seem while reading this that i just am 5050 happy unhappy . But its more like i subconcinsly bottle up my emotions and freak and feel the pain but then go back to the chill calm mood it s very strange . I am definetly not a happy person im not mean just numb i guess i donn know ?
IF i got screended they d probly want to put me on drugs but it fuck me up and i dont need that. I m not upset about my sitution most of my friends probbly dont pick up on this side of me for when im with them ...i kinda try to put on a air of happiness so not to seem antisociel or mean or stuff. But at the end of the day looking back its not me at all its all fake . Im not upset i just dont care . I m not trying to say that i dont care about my famly and friends i guess i just dont care bout my life , its not that bad just when shit happens to me it all happens at once so i think it s my bodys coping mechinism, i dont know what the point of this was i guess it helped me look at my life

Note: i really realll really apreciete comments so pleaaazzz tell me what you think , good, bad, or whatever

Her dreams break off after her death
She is constantly shooting up meth
Watch her play others will leave
For they don’t know what she actually believes
She sits there all still as if in a dream
Turn on the lights you know she will scream
They all break it off , lfor they don’t like to watch
For they don’t know what she has got.
She still doesn’t care
Though Their watching don’t make her scared
She knows her light is their darkness
When they try and fight she won’t hit or snark
They try to break her down make her play their games
She will see right through it and know that there lame
She now watches them playing their game
For they don’t know she’s actually a teeny bit sane
She attacks them in ways they won’t understand
Loving it still, she does it again
Dreaming she will leave
She will watch her other world, and yes it’s a need.

i dont get it a try so hard to get along buts like shes pushing me away , it hurst do bad. It seems as though since my dad died she has not been inj one good mood. I know this is false but its how it feels. SHe hangs with my brother 24/7 and the only time we ever talk is when we argue. I try not to argue with and i tell what wee arguing about is pointless and lets drop it , and then she'l say something like your just doing this to caus you already said all that you want to
she says some REALLY hurtfull shit to me and if i say something like , i wish i was 18 so i could leave she flips, i dont get i didnt think she wanted me there well at least in that moment it ruins my day and i feel really really bad caus im always complining to my friend about it sometimes i feel like i cant go on
its weird it s like a cylce really good for a week and then horrible for the next 3-4 weeks , i try tro talk to her bout it but whenevre i do it just gets worse .
the only thing that ive told that actually changed anything(only for a couple hours) was i confessed i was eating to see if she cared and to try to get sick so that she'd have to be nice to me she's not mean she just doesnt get me ,
god i ned to escape .