a lot of people have probably made their own entries about this topic, but it really hit me now. i was about to look for videos to watch on truveo and there were videos on Obama an other political issues but
Prop.8 stood out.
there was a video, 8 minutes on prop. 8, and I felt touched that someone would make a video like that. the man brought some good issues up and I actually agreed.
I felt sad when I heard that it was passed and I think my friends would be the same also because they support me and thought that prop.8 was just...bizzare!

...how much i love him&that it hurts.

the he is...my father.

so the whole issue that has started this very hostile love/hate relationsip between me and my father is the whole military thing& money. he wanted me to join the military, just like him, but when i did...i wanted out and he made sure after awhile that, that wasn't going to happen until...i ran away, which i understand was a big blow to him and i apologized but at that time thats what i thought would be the best thing.
i never went home...i turned 18 and stayed far from home until i needed stuff and then i went over but he had no "leash" on me 'cause i was of age.

the money issue...so when my mother passed away, she had social security, which was sent to all her kids, about $200-500 (not sure 'cause my dad never told me) every month until they turned 18. & since i turned 18 in Sept....i never received any of the money that is rightfully mine. i'm not greedy or money hungry, it's just that even with my job and saving...i got no money to pay for school and the necessities for school and it sucks. i've asked my father to transfer the money to my account since thats the only way i can get it, but he has been hostile and mean about it.
he has said that so-called "friends" of mine have told him that i've been saying shit about him and he brings up me treating him bad, which i would never do...i know that i have been a disobiediant child at one point but i would never disrespect my father to other people...NEVER.
so he puts me through guilt trips and says that he never has time and that he's always busy, but HONESTLY...what is a couple of hours or just even an hour to go to the bank and transfer? & for me, his daughter.

idk what to do. this frustrates me soooo much and i hate it.

i love my father so much, but it doesn't even seem like he cares anymore.

so...i'm at home and have absolutely NOTHING to do & it sucks.
i could start packing but my gf thinks that we should do that together lol...yeah i'm leaving to go Kauai tomorrow (kauai is a neighboring island) for my gf's bowling tournament.
yes. i am a dedicated, committing gf lol.
i watched some of her practices.
all but one of her h.s bowling games.
& all of her singles/doubles bowling tournaments.
gosh. yeah i got no other life.
but i love her and i make her accompany me to my things lol.
for instance, my sister's h.s preseason cheerleading competition :P.
...my sister is incredible on her own and because the fact she's the only freshman on the team :)

in other updates...i moved up to 6's...Yay! it hurt like a mother but i'm glad their in. if no one knows what gauges are...just look it up...kinda coo :) but yeah...i'll be on for awhile before the gf comes home, so get at me

hehe.
yup. well...here i am...again lol.
a lot of shit has happened...a lot.
like;
*running away before i turned 18 & not going back home.
i've been living with my gf and her parents for 4 or 5 months now...really trippy. i feel kinda bad but they never complain about me being there :/.
*the military is SOOOO out of the question now. i just have a few months of waiting after i finish some paperwork then, get an approval, then more paperwork. yay. it sucks but i'm willing to risk it.
*same job. same job. & same job. lol. i need a new one.
*same wonderful gf. 8 months it has been.
*gauging my ear. i'm at 8's & i want to move up to my 6's. i tried the other day and...it was painful.
uhm. i think thats it for now...lol...can't think of anything else lol.

so hows everyone been? missed you all :(

...GRADUATION!
so now my hs career is over and the real world is at my feet just waitin for me to step into it. i can honestly say at this point that the future has got me scared shitless...id rather die lol. graduation was a good day. my gf told me when i first met her that she wouldnt be here for graduation and would be going to her cousins and her exes graduation instead which with the latter i wasnt happy but for family i understood. so i was a lil bummed at graduation knowing she wouldnt be here on my big day but i just blocked it with just thinking that id she her the nxt day...but i was in for a surprise...she ended up not having any other graduations to go to and made up the whole thing just to surprise me. i was in tears and really happy that she came. she also made me a sign. i dont care that i didnt get a lot of leis and crap im just happy that i had all the people i loved around me on my big day!

& more than a friend.

"i love you thats why i need you". my gf just told me that. my reply, "i'll always be here for you". lame huh? lol. god. i love this girl. why?; [the way she looks at me and smiles cause i know that she truly loves me back...just in that look]&[the way she laughs cause although its at me it shows how down to earth she is]&[the way she holds me cause just being close to her makes me feel safe and relaxed]&[her quirky, loud, energetic, hyper nature cause its funny and cute although a lil irking at times]...gosh i could go on but thats alright, you get the idea right? lol. i also like the fact how we can have good communication&have great SEX!
yes. the sex is unbelieveable. and as much as my past gfs have tried...she actually made me come which also surprised me. lol. well. i got to head to bed, school in the morn. i'll continue this later ;p

"i walked into a room full of both strangers and friends, with a smile i sat down but with a frown i looked around. someone i knew turned around and asked me, "whats wrong?", i looked at him and replied, "i feel lost". he looked around the room then turned to me, "how are you lost? all your friends are here with you". i glanced at all the people around me, knowing i had a friend in each of their smiling faces, but the tears still welled up in my eyes. "you're missing someone aren't you?" he asked, gently wiping the tears from my cheeks. i nodded. "it'll be okay i'm sure they're missing you too" he said, taking me into his arms and hugging me."

that...is a friend indeed.

so how is everyone? good i hope. :). other than the fact...im second guessing my whole joining the military deal...im good. im in love. my <3 is with the girl that i wanna spend my life with & im currently missing her like crazy now. im also tiredd as heck, so im outta here. i be back laters. take cares! :)

...have i finally found the girl i've been waiting for?

so theres this girl that i started talkin to bout a month ago and we met eachother yesterday. and im fuckin goin out of my mind because i really like her, i havent been this...happy in for so long. idk. it seems like we just click* and known eachother for a long time. [Creepy thing is that she has the same name as my ex & shes like a tomboy version of one of my good friends who i liked at one point lol]
all im hopin is that takin this chance is worth it and shes not playin wit me. i sooo dont got the paitence for games anymore. my friends been tellin me to let things happen and not worry cause for all i kno she could be "the one". sigh. well its time to sleep. take cares guys. be back later.

so. i got a comment last night on downe on my default pic, which is a full body pic. i'm laying on the ground showing a lot of skin lol. & i was wondering what people would say. Hehe. well. i got the comment from this girl who has the same name as my ex (kinda interesting cause its not a really common name) and i've seen her around my job and the mall.
the comment was "wow nice bod hun like sample" the weirdest thing is that deep inside i liked it. my friend keeps telling me to talk to her and stuff, but i've been out of the dating scene so long that i dont know how to approach people or what to say which makes me sad. Any suggestions?

hehe. i thought it was funny. i just learned it in japanese class. it means 'only small one is okay'. so. i'm sitting in piano class watching my bestest guy friend who is going to do my hair for prom & design my dress lol. cleavage? oh hell yes! gotta flaunt um right?. i need to design my tattoo too. sigh. i want mine to be original and very very HOT. i was either going to get it by my upper or lower back. should i get wings? it'll be so cute. :).

oh. we went karaoke last night and it was pretty fun singing all these slow songs and getting all tearyeyed. :'(. typical. lol. so i got a headache. imma go rest before nxt class. later.

so i just got home from work. gosh. i havent had a bad day at work like today. it was my worst day ever. customers with the worse attitudes. guys who thought they were the shit and tried to show me they were. fucking idiots. one of the new girls was a total pain in everyones ass today. the only good thing today was all the guys i worked with today, i lovee' them so.

& my manager on duty derek who is also gay and the best guy ever! gave me a hug. like out of nowhere he comes in the backroom where i was and goes "i need a hug" and we hugged. he was like "you give good hugs" lol it was a cute moment. i love working with him. he told me later that everyone should get a hug at least once a day and be told i love you. its true. it would be nice, to know that people are there. just thinking about it makes me forget all that the new girl did and not mad anymore. sigh. content now, i can finally fall asleep. night everyone!

so i got to go to work in 3 hrs. i'm not looking forward to it. lately i've been hating work, like the joy i once found in it has jus all been sucked out. idk why. & it doesnt help that people have noticed the change. i love the people interaction and my coworkers, but i feel that something is missing in my life. that now when i thought that submersing myself in work and jus trying to block out parts of my life, its catching up with me and i finally realized that...i'm not happy & i jus dont care as much now to make others happy.
as much as i dont want to admit it. my life has changed and it may have been for the worse. i want to be happy again. && i want to have something to live for. in this life that has manifested...all i feel is loneliness!

i've been sick for about 4 days now. feeling like a pile of crap lol. it sucks cause i missed 3 days of school already and i hate missing school. i had a bowl of good ol Campbell's chicken noodle soup & a cup of nice hot herbal tea curled up on the couch watching Doctor Who. a very serene, & peaceful moment. i wish that i could share this moment with someone, just to hold, cuddle with, & take a nice nap with. that would make my sickness go away :)

Reminds me of what i was talking about with aja last night. We were talking bout her and her bf/husband to be and how committed she is, then i started talking bout how lonely i am and all that pathetic stuff. Its kinda sad. Lol. But i ended up saying something that made me think a lot...all the things in my life that i'm doing now thats going to help me future wise, everyone is happy that i did it and that i'm going to have good money and benefits but i dont really care about all that...all i care bout is what i have at the end. yeah know what i mean?

..grown ups to make a relationship work. hmmm. so i just finished watching a really good filipino movie called One More Chance. i was being a crybaby and bawled lol. it was about a couple who was together for 5 years, but as much as they were in love they began growing apart from what they were like when they fell in love. problems arose and they broke up. hurt in their own ways, figured themselves out, grew up & fell back in love. what a way to end my evening lol.

todayy was a good day. i took my oath and pretty much signed the rest of my life away. && i finally passed my road test and got my license. Yay! I wonder what else is in store for me? hmmm...

I just spent the last hour or so talking to aja, who as my best friend thinks she can hook me up and find me a gf before i leave in 5 or 6 months. the problem i have with that is i'm getting kinda tired of everyone wanting and feeling the need to hook me up. do i come off as a big ass lonely lesbian to everyone? the other problem is with what happens when i leave? is whoever i end up meeting goin to want to wait for me to come back, or jump into someone elses arms the moment i'm gone?

Its depressing to think like that but its true. most people wouldnt wait a few months for someone they'll pretty much move on. there are people who'll wait, but whats the chances that in the nxt few months i'll meet that person? about one in a million. life is jus complicated and i'm going to end up being alone for a loong time...