Ok. The past two nights I have been dreaming about every boy I've ever had feelings for. Two nights ago I had an extremely hot sex dream about Mike. And last night, a boy I fell pretty hard for featured prominently in my dreams. And the boy I had a crush on a week or so ago was the guest star in my afternoon nap. I have no idea what my subconscious is trying to tell me. It's kind of disconcerting, to ave all these familiar faces pop up unexpectantly... especially when I haven't actually seen one of them in ages, and I don't have the same feelings for them as I used to.

my family gives me the shits at the moment. that's normal right? my dad, who favours his three grandchildren over his three actual children, is visiting my half sister in melbourne atm. last night i called. my nephew is rude and has no idea how to speak on a phone, my half sister is just weird. my mum is up north for the weekend with her boyfriend, she's coming home in an hour or so. i just really miss her, i haven't seen her in days. i'm counting down the minutes! my sister is such a bitch. i walked into her darkened room to tell her something and i accidently stood on her sunglasses. firstly, why did she leave them on the floor? then she absolutely went off at me, so i just left the fuckin bitch. and my car is fucked at the moment so i need a lift to work tomoro. so i called a workmate, and he said that he's right to take me, but we're taking his motorbike. gulp. im just a bit nervous. i've never ridden one before, it freaks me out cos they're a bit dangerous... but a lift is a lift and he offered. so i cant say no thank you. and otherwise i'd have to get dropped off by my mum half an hour early.. and believe me, being early for training day sucks ass.

i had a crush on a boy. My first real crush since A and I broke up three months ago. He is so sweet, and funny and cute. I'm the assistant director for my former school's production of Grease, and he is playing Danny, and he's so talented! In a way, I feel like I passed the torch to him - I had the lead last year, and now he does. So since I've been at rehearsals, I started to see how great he was, and I got a bit of a crush on him. Btw I've known these kids for ages, so we're like a family. Anyhoo, this boy, J, is bisexual. And I was the first person he came out to last year, basically because I was in the process of coming out at the time, and he needed a bit of support.

Back to this year: he and I have become ever closer. I talked to his best friend about it and he promised he'd do a bit of subtle nosing around to gauge how J feels about me, coded Mission J. Well I got a message last night that Mission J wasn't looking too good.

I knew it, really. I had the feeling all along that it was a one sided affair. And all I can blame is myself. I listened to my heart instead of my head, because really, I never expected him to be interested in me either. And despite it only being a small crush, I had gotten my hopes up. After three months, I could have possibly found someone. I didn't want anything serious, but just someone to help my confidence, have some fun and be a really good friend. I don't know what that is; a few months back I talked about having a rebound guy. But J is different, I wanted something more from him. Last night when I heard the news, I was absolutely crushed. And I wrote a long blog on myspace about how I hate love, and that I've given up for a while. Now I realise that I'm not going to give up, but that I just wish I could catch a break. In three years, I've gone through two straight boys, a boy who dumped me after three weeks, another straight boy, and now this. It would be nice if I could meet the right person. But doesn't everybody think that?

So now, I'm not moping. I'm just sad... I think there is a subtle difference.
I'll be ok.

I was digging around for my soundtrack of "The Craft" soundtrack, but instead found my copy of Vengaboys, "The Party Album". i'm quite sure that this was the first ever CD i purchased, when i was around 10 or 11. i can't honestly think how i would have enjoyed it then... eurotrance music wasn't then or is now my cup of tea. i bought it because my best friend loved them, so i loved them too.... cough... so yeah. it's so sexual and, well, gay. my very first crush was on robin, the sailor. to the 11 yr old me, that sexy sailor's pout in the liner notes made me weak at the knees. he was who i wanted to grow up to be. i detested the fat, weird kid i was... i wanted to be him so bad. this band was so cool, they rocked the singles charts. but then the album is full of extremely long, electro dance music. what was i supposed to do with that? im listening to it know, its making for good background music. but i can't even comprehend how my mother would have actually let me BUT it. on the cd cover is a caricature of the band, the women with massive tits popping out of tiny shirts. the songs have titles like, "boom boom boom boom" and "Superfly slick dick". i can imagine that the impact this had on me has made me the pervert i am today.
it is so weird.

My bedtime routine is pretty much the same every night. i have a hot shower, light some incense, turn off my light, turn on my bedside lamp, throw some music on (tonight, Les Hurlements d'Leo) crawl into bed and muck around on the lap top til late... oasis, myspace, bit of porn, etc
suits me just fine.

i was thinking before that i've kinda misssed the boat when it comes to new, outrageous forms of performance art. i'm 2 generations too late to be shocking audiences with my own unique brand of performance. but that's just it - my brand of performance isn't unique. i'd love to come up with something like The Cockettes, they rocked the kasbar. they were so different and crazy; avant garde drag that did whatever the fuck it wanted to. thats what I want to do. why can't i create my own "Tinsel Tarts in a Hot Coma"? i know i could if i put my mind to it, its just a question of coming up with a hot new idea that no one has seen before. It is my quest to be the next Divine. Well, if not Divine, the John Waters of the performance art world.

today i did general running around. fixed my brake light, handed in my time sheet to work so i get paid, made dinner reservations for friday night with my wife (best friend of 3 years), visited my dad and grandma.
my mum has been home for an hour and a total bitch, so im hiding out in my room. bloody women. can't live with them... 'nuff said.

lol has anyone else seen this SNL sketch?? i only saw it tonight cos stupid australia gets everything hella late... its damn funny. "Why can't i just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?" it was a good episode actually, the newer ones are getter better than they used to be. so today was cup. i was supposed to go to pride, but stupid things got in the stupid way, and i did the things i was priorly committed to. but yeah, had to pick up 2 drunk friends on the other side of town from a post-cup party, at 9.30. i'd just gotten home from speed racer. speep racer is good, but only because the whole cast bar john goodman is attractive.

that's the time. i havent slept a wink. got to bed at 1 after writing an essay, and i just haven't. fallen. asleep.

this is the worst time for this to happen, i have to go to uni this morning at 11 to hand the essay in, then do front of house at 1.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. No Doz and V for me then.

i'm supposed to be writing an english essay due tomorrow... then writing another english essay due the day after tomorrow. instead i'm going to avoid doing what i'm supposed to be doing, and feel bored.

I miss school. it's been practically 8 months (first of all.......... woah. it does NOT feel that long) and i really, really miss it. but i only miss it when i'm doing nothing... so that's kinda a given. but what i miss is my friends, and the STRUCTURE of school. i miss seeing my friends on a regular day to day basis. at uni it's like... u see this person one day... that person these two days... her on a friday, him every two weeks. i didn't realise that it would be so sporadic. so that kinda sucks. and i've made a lot of friends.. but i don't like them as much as i did my school friends. i know that i was with the school guys for 5 years, and it'll take time to form the same bond with my new friends, but it's just weird.

also, im all over the place with my schedule. this will change next semester, but i loved the structure of going to class at 8.25 and leaving at 2.45. im such a geek, but i loved it. i love structure.

anyhoo, i should resume writing.

so i just saw sex and the city. i loved it, cos i love the show. i couldnt fault it, i just found it few escapism. and it got me thinking about love.

i don't know what i think about love. its a funny little concept, isn't it? i totally related to carrie when big jilted her, and her whole recovery process. i just loved it.

i wanted to say something clever, or wise and philisophical, but i've got nothin'. i've forgotten all the smart things i thought of in the shower before.

good night.

not really, but i fucking felt like it! i was volunteering tonight doing front of house at the theatre. Volunteer - translation: have a bit of consideration, we don't work in hospitality for a living. So anyway, this rude, fat bitch walked up to the counter. We didnt have the red wine she wanted, so we had to fart around until she decided on a cask wine, ie one of those cheap wines in a box. Well, i had to pour, but i've never poured one before. i asked her, and she told me. THEN she goes, "is this your first night on the job?" "Actually i'm underage, im 17." WELL!!! This started a whole barrage at me about how i shouldnt be behind the bar, how im lucky she's not the police, how the theatre could lose it's licence, etc. and all was said in that conversational tone old people everywhere use when they criticise you. it was only after she walked off did it register what she'd said to me. i told my superior, a sweet old lady, and she goes, "the cheap bitch came on a $5 ticket night and drank wine out of a box. she doesnt have ANYTHING over you." that made me laugh! and when i told my sister, a hospitality industry veteran, she said, "If i'd been next to her, i would have said, 'ACTUALLY, the age at which someone can serve alcohol is 17, as long as they arrive 15 mins before their shift and 15 mins after'." that would have been sweeeet lol it just hit me because i've never had attitude before whilst doing FOH, even when an old man fell over the other night when i forgot to tell him to watch his step. i can't beleive she was such a bitch.
phhhhew.

tonight was a performing arts night at my old school, great catch up with the old gang. ran into heaps of ppl i havent seen in ages. oh and i've got a crush on one of my friends from school... yr 11... bi... the sweetest kid ever. not my usual type, but he's got the warmest smile and gentle eyes. and a razor sharp wit. he's so cute.

guess im not the only person here who cant seem to express themselves... electricity beat me too it lol

but seriously, my life sucks at the moment. and there isnt a reason. and i keep trying to come on here and write out all of my problems, but i just... cant. it's like my life has totally stopped and i cant do anything productive or constructive. and it seems to be a never ending loop, like a beckett play. after i got round one of assignments out of the way, round two has loomed up. i have a performance plan, a performance, a shakespearean monologue, a website analysis, a hypertext assignment and a reflective essay.

That conversation on msn with A was ok. we talked about some of his issues and it was ok... like, i didnt feel anything for him. but then last night at uni, i was in the servery with my performance group and as we left, A was coming down the hallway. i didnt have my glasses on, so by the time i realised it was him it was too late to run the other way. so we talked mindlessly for a minute, then i wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. i nearly felt like crying as i walked away. i did not see our meeting coming, literally. A was the last thing on my mind when i turned that corner and saw someone at the other end. actually, i lie. i DID think of him, cos it was 5pm and his last lecture finishes then. i had thought, "hope i dont see him, he could come down here." then i thought, "naaaah, he wont." *Slaps forehead* i hate myself for still finding him cute. his hair is darker now. the last time i saw him, nearly 2 months ago, it was considerably blonder.

i have a bit of a crush on a boy in the musical im doing some directing work with at my old school. we've been friends for some time, he's in grade 11. he's a sweet kid, genuinely sweet. he's playing danny lol and he's bi. god im a bit over these bisexual boys, there's always something wrong. i want to do something about this crush, like just let him know gently so that if his answer is "no thanks" that it isnt awkward. i must admit that one thing on this site that annoys me is how much we all crap on about the ppl we have crushes on but we never do anything about it, its shitting me.

my sister is moving to melbourne for a year in a few months. i seriously arent dealing with it, head in the sand. im going to come out to her in august when i'll be flying down to see wicked with her. i know that its a long way away, but i need to set a reasonable goal, and i know i'll be ready to do it by then. hopefully sooner.

University life sure isnt all it's cracked up to be. So many assignments, assholes galore, horrible lecturers... it's just like school but more freedom and no uniform. and that isn't a blessing in disguise, sometimes its easier not having to think about what you'll where every day!
money is an issue... my mum is secretly paying for my daily stuff lately... my car registration, my suit hire for a school formal im invited to, etc she's such a sweetheart, i love her so much. i dont do enough for her, i really love her. she knows money is tight for me at the moment, and she's helping me out without me asking.

at this very second im talking to A (ex BF A) for the very first time on msn... i'll let u guys know how things turn out...

at butter beats in the valley i bought the clockwork orange soundtrack for $10 and $5 for the original broadway recording of dreamgirls. the dude had a smirk at dreamgirls, but we'd talked about john waters so it was cool. really friendly guy, i always end up chatting with staff down in the valley :P

but yeah, i havent been able to find either recording on cd, but i found them on vinyl lol and cheap, too.