Okay, so Ms. S. wasn't supervising my dance after all. DDDDX *Cusses* On the other hand, I sent her an email wishing her a merry Christmas and Happy New Year. :-) I hope (above all) that she reads it, then, if I'm lucky, she'll reply. XD But, I don't think I'm THAT lucky. Heh.
Yay!!!! Ms. Slackson is gunna be one of the supervisors for the dance I go to tomorrow....XDDDDDDD
Anyways, last night, I was buried alive in snow. xDDD It felt awesome. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I could. Haha.
Got some Xmas shopping done, not much else, except I went bowling today and almost scored 3 strikes in a row. xD
Well g2g see you.
Saying that I'm scared of being suicidal again would be an understatement. I'm fucking petrified of being that way again.....It's all coming back, though. Everything from, "I fucking hate myself." to wishing I'd just pass out. *Cries*
Really, when you look at it, I have absolutely no reason to feel shitty....Life's pretty good, and stuff. School's going great, I just got a job, I have friends....So, why the fucking hell am I feeling this way!!??
OMFG. I got the job!!!! Wow. As soon as I got through the door this afternoon, after school, Mom high-fived me, and I was like, "Huh? What's this about?" Then, she told me about how I got hired, then the job interview and all that stuff came back to my confused uncomphrendable head. I was like, "Yay." XDDD So, I go for the orientation sometime next week, then I actually start the job a couple weeks into the New Year. xDD A new job for the new year. XDD Weee! Omg. I'm nervous, but also excited. XD
Seriously....I wish this effing city had a GSA...if it doesn't already. But, I'm pretty involved in the community already, and I haven't heard anything about one....In fact, the only time I can ever think of my community bringing up GLBT issues was when the Parliament was trying to decide whether to legalize gay marriage in Canada or not....I'm surprised that no one's stepped up and said, "Hey, man, we need a GSA here, for the community of *city's name here*!"
I talked to the friend that my other friend was reffering to (read last entry if you haven't, it'll make more sense.) and she said that friend number one jumps to conclusions....Lol. Kay, well, anyways, we talked for a bit, then she let on that her male cousin and friend were there. :-)
We talked in sript, and it was pretty good. Friend number 2 ended up falling asleep (same with her cousin) till it was just me and the friend that was at her house. So, they actually managed to cheer me up. :-)
This week has been shit....Absolute shit (exclude the job interview I went for on Wednesday). I really like my P.E. (she doesn't teach me the class this year, but it's easier saying that, so I'll just pretend that she is, cuz she taught me last year) teacher....so then I finally told my counsellor yesterday, and then she said, "You and I both know that you'll get hurt, if you try to act on it."....after that, she told me that it could only be a fantasy, and that's all it'd ever be. She's right....Ms. Slackson (my nick for her) wouldn't jepoardize her job. She wouldn't jepoardize being hauled off to jail. And, I know that deep down, but it still hurts to hear my counsellor say that. It hurts, knowing that it will never be. I won't ever be able to go up to her in the hall (or wherever) and just hug her...I won't be able to get close to her (in a non-sexual way). I almost started crying...I don't know why I didn't. And that's not even the worst of it. Just last night, a friend of mine signed on, and she asked me why I had a crush (her word, not mine) on Ms. Slackson. *She actually used the real name, but, for personal safety's sake, I'm not going to say it.* She also said it was gross....I was like, "Huh? What? What are you on about??" Wondering if I had really been that obvious. Then, she told me about the story I wrote....similar to my fantasy/dream. She said, "I know you wrote it." Then she told me she knew it was the teacher, because of the description I'd put in the story. My friend told me, "Look, I don't mind that you're gay, but we [her other friend as well] get a little weirded out." Then she proceeded to explain why, that I embarrass them, by...By being fucking prideful. For FUCK'S sake....It's not like I pushed you up a wall, and tried to make out with you! Why is it such an annoyance that I'm different/that I think girls are hotter than guys? Why!?
I've got all my teachers worried about me cuz I leave the classroom to clean my glasses, and that I seem "sad-ish" as my "counsellor" nicely puts it. *Shrugs* I dunno anymore. All I know is that I'm NOT suicidal, and that I see another counsellor...tomorrow, I think. This TA of mine asked if I needed to talk cuz I sounded really down the other day...she said she'd leave it up to me...and I was considering to spill. But after what my counsellor said... about my teachers noticing me...I don't want to. What I'd have to say is worthless, anyways...I mean, "I think I have a crush on my previous phys. ed. teacher.." Yeah. That would go down REALLY well. Mmhmm. When I said I was "okay" to the TA (aka really down) it sounded pathetic and lousy to me in my ears. Jeez. Then I couldn't even say, "You'd probably hate me if I told you I was different" or something to that effect, I couldn't even say the entire sentence. She said she didn't want to push...but the thing is, I needed someone to tell me it was okay to feel this way. I needed someone to say that I could spill..someone who wouldn't push me away...But I didn't. And I can't. I didn't realize a person could feel sooo emotionally drained. *Feels like putting head on the desk*
I have a job interview on Monday after school...My first ever. God, I am soooo scared...so nervous. I hope I don't fuck up on something. *Shudders* On the other hand, I really hope I get the job (I need to make money somehow, I'm sick of having to ask my parents for money all the time.) I hope it goes good. XD There's always a first for everything, right.
I am watching Wedding Wars Monday night, as well. :)
There is sooo much stuff going on right now that it'd be impossible to get it all out in the time I have left...I'm on lunch break if you couldn't tell... Lol. I've been having really weird and oddly disturbing dreams about...this person [teacher]. My heart is pounding too fast. She was on supervision duty today, I couldn't keep the smirk off my face...and I couldn't stop looking at her. Gah. No one knows that I like her...but we aren't exactly on best terms...I want to offer a truce to her, but before I start pointing fingers I gotta ask a friend if what she said last year was true. Even if it wasn't, I still want to offer a truce. I'm going to end this entry here because I'm in the lab and there is a good chance someone could sneak up and read what I'm saying. I'm typing this here because my home internet cable got disconnected [father wanted his T.V. back...]. So yeah, till then.
Would you disown me
If I told you a secret wanted to kept between you and me
That there might not be a 'he'
That might be trying to get in between
Would you accept me for who I am
Without going Wham!
A stinging slap
Without giving a damn?
Would you give me up for adoption
If I told you I like some
Who are also dykes
I'm really happy, I made a new friend today, she's in my class....:) And she's cute...Haha. I know, I know....I should stop thinking alot of the girls I know or meet are cute. *blush*
I got to walk her home today. XD Haha. I was sort of disappointed that she liked a few guys in my class, but eh what can you do? Hehe. Well, I think that's it for today, so I'll see you around maybe tomorrow or whenever I can........ XD
Here's the URL to the stuff that I write and put online. I dunno if maybe you wanna check it out, read it, and give me some reviews, no? Please, and thanks! :-)
Ohgodohgodohgod WHY THE HELL didn't I keep my mouth shhut!!? Noooo. Just bloody Great. Now I'm going to have to work with my [sort of] ex's girlfriend. Bummer. Not to mention she hates me. (If you knew the whole story, you'd understand....) Only good thing from this is that the other two people I'll be working with (we're in a group,) are my friends....*takes deep breath*
Maybe she'll realize he's not "the one". *shrugs* I dunno. Counsellor said I should finish with him before the univitable happens. I agree with this....it's just when, here's the only guy you've ever liked, and he's using you, yet you KNOW you have to finish with him....I...I guess I sorta do wanna finish with him. Get it done and over with, you know? Fuck. My friend and I don't like the girl either. What happened, really, was that my teacher was going around and he got to me and my friend (we sit side by side) and said (because we have to have 4 people in our group) "Well, why doesn't [girl's name here] join you guys?" and I was like "Uh, okay" hesitantly (not wanting her in our group)...I looked at my friend for "confirmation" and she muttered "I don't like her." but at that time, my teacher already verified it....The only reason she's going in our group is because she wasn't there today....at a conference thingy with half of the rest of the school.