I'm happy cuz my father bought a vocal amp the other day...It rocks. :33 Now we have drums, guitars and vocals. On top of that, he bought a digital voice recorder. *Grin* It's awesome...then you can hook it to your computer and fool around with the sounds. I can't wait till I can get the cord. I told my therapist about this and the first thing out of her mouth (besides "You play guitar!?" cuz I guess I never told her) was "Can I hear?" Lol. I was like.."*Blush*" Yeah. So I definetly cannot wait...Eee I'm excited. My fingers hurt from playing (My right index finger is gray and peeling) this morning but I love the feeling. Well, the bell's gonna ring in a few, so I'll leave you guys here. :3 Oh yeah...Isn't today [March 1st] supposed to be National Self Injury Awareness Day or something? *Shrugs*

~Randi

Welll....I had my first sucessful purging today. *Shudder* After, I was like, "Omg..." It felt almost good..

There isn't much else to say...Except that Valentine's Day was really hard for me.

~Randi

All these painful memories that I was forced to remember came back to me yesterday... I thought I'd be able to forget what he told me that night. I honestly thought I wouldn't have to deal with it...but now I don't know what to do...I think I'm having an anxiety attack or something...I left my blade at home...Dammit.

There isn't much else to say, and I don't have much time before classes start this morning, so I'll see ya laterz..

~Randi

I did something really fucking crazy yesterday...I cut "LOVE" on my right leg....OxO

Then, a few hours later, I cut "NO" above it, although I'm not sure why I did that. And on Thursday, I reopened my scar from over a year ago.

I tried drawing something short of a star on my knee, but it didn't really work out...O.o;;

But..when I cut "LOVE"...I loved how the blood trickled down my leg...I fucking loved it. I wished I had done it at home, rather than school, cuz I had to go out for P.E....Then I kinda bled on the floor, but I don't think anyone noticed.

...I didn't even last 3 weeks from cutting....The last time I had cut before I started again was something like Jan. 11th..

That's sad.

I just like seeing the blood. I almost get a rush from seeing it trickle down from where I cut myself. Of course, now, having cut "LOVE" on my leg, that hinders me from swimming, so instead, I'm going to a movie. My parents don't exactly know that I started cutting again...I'm just careful to not cut my arms...They freaked out over the cut on my palm... :/

My Prozac isn't working. Whatever. I'm tired of wanting to be saved...I'm tired of people trying to save me. I'm tired of having to do my cutting in secret. I'm tired of being scared that I'm going to be put in a mental ward for where the self harmers go. I'm tired of everything except my job. I'm tired of feeling guilty...

Speaking of feeling guilty...When I saw my counsellor, I told her how I had gotten an urge to cut but I didn't...She told me good job. But she didn't know that I had cut myself..Just not with a blade.. I almost told her...But I'm not telling her. Telling her means not cutting. Telling her means going to some mental ward..Telling her means losing trust..and maybe my job. Telling her means risking everything I've ever set myself up for (life and other shit)...Yeah. I'm tired and cranky from working...Mmm.

Anyways, I'll talk to you guys later, if I don't hit an artery before next time..

~Randi

Hmm...so I see my counsellor tomorrow...and I'll have something to hide from her...

I found out this stuff (concerning a straight friend of mine) this weekend...now I'm scared...for her.

I never knew. Never knew that all this time, she was still doing it..Oh, man. *Sigh*

On a happier note, I went to work today...my feet are sore, but it's worth it..

There's not much else to say except that I have midterms tomorrow and the next day..So see yaz.

~Randi

She was right there...at the end of the hall on Monday at dismissal, talking to another teacher. I could have told her. I could've effing told her!

My therapist is telling me that she probably would've took it the wrong way, if I told her.

But, standing there, in line for the vending machine...I was battling with myself whether to tell her or not. Then, I grabbed my Eatmore and headed out the door. Every step that I took, I was tempted to turn around so I could go back and tell her. But, I walked away. I walked away, never giving her the chance of what it felt like to be complimented. I walked away that day, knowing she would go through her surgery without the knowledge of knowing that someone (other than who she may admire or love) thought she was beautiful. Jesus. This is tough...

See youz.

~Randi

I'm sad. Ms. Slackson is going for knee surgery and Monday is her last day. I only have that day to tell her she's beautiful or otherwise I have to wait for who knows how many weeks before she comes back. I don't want to wait that long. I want her to know that contary to what she probably believes, not almost every student in my school hates her.
I want her to know that she is wanted to be seen every day at school. I want her to know that. I want to tell her in person--email won't cut it.

Speaking of cutting, I was forced to quit cold turkey, and it's been 9 days since my last body-cutting.

Midterms are coming up. Sadness.

On a happier note, I went to work today. :3 Made money. Haha.

Well, I;m gonna go, cuz there's not really anything else to say.

~Randi

Okay, so today sucked. Double Science...Yeeuck. AND it's not with Ms. S, either. :-( Double whoo-hoo. Not.
I lost my blade today...at school in a toilet...Damn. No cutting. That sucks...seeing how much I cut today...about maybe six or seven seperate times...I'm like addicted to it.... :-( There's these huge red cuts all over my stomach and around my...ehem, places...Uhm, yeah. Anyways.
I lost the fucking blade, it was the only one I had, too. God damnit. Then, I silently cried, leaning against the stall wall....I kept whispering/mouthing that I hated myself...then I got out, when to the mirror (there was no one in the room) and 'said': "Are you fucking proud, you fucking cutter?' over and over again. THEN, I dried my eyes, and went back to class, pretending that I hadn't just been cutting and crying. Usual.

I honestly don't know how I'm gonna get through tomorrow without cutting though...If I'm not cutting at school, I want to be walking around the school aimlessly and lost in thought, my heart pounding fast...I do it every morning before classes start, because I can't stand to be in my homeroom classroom more than absolutely necessary...Man. I am SO fucked up right now....Too many things going through my head at once.

Another thing is that I found out from a source who is in Ms. S.'s class that Ms. S. wasn't gonna be around for midterms (later this month) because she "was getting surgery on her knee"....Poor girl...Wow. I really need to get over myself...DAMMIT.

Major realization, if you couldn't see. I see one of the school counsellors tomorrow...Shit. My counsellor (I don't know if I mentioned her name in previous entries, so, for that sake, I won't mention her name) might have spoken to the school counsellor about my cutting. God. Damn. It. And, if she did, he's gonna ask about it...Gonna ask to see my arms...even if it hasn't been my arms where I've been cutting. But, still. Phys. Ed. tomorrow...Gonna have to grab a stall. I'm not about to change and let anyone see my marks/scars. Nuh-uh. No way, Jose.

Kay, well, I'm gonna let you all go, now. So, see you...

~Randi

P.S. If anyone cares to send me a pencil sharpener blade, I'm all for her. :3 Thanks. I'll even pay you..Hah.

Oh. My. God. She SMILED when she said thanks for the email...EEeee!! I never see her smile often, so seeing her smile when she told me that was just...fantastic. *Mad insane happy grin* XD I just about asked her if she'd be around tomorrow for supervision, but I didn't..Haha. Oh, well. I can't wait for tomorrow. Dammit. I shoulda asked her if I could get a pic of her tomorrow..but I dunno if I'm actually gonna be taking pictures tomorrow...Photography, if you couldn't tell. :-) Weee. I'm happy. I almost don't even need that blade right now....

~Randi

Things have went from bad to worse, within the space of a few days....:(

I ended up cutting today...I didn't even really mean to...I just did..I wanted to feel the pain. But now I'm panicked as fuck, because I go for another orientation tomorrow, and I'm not sure if we have to wear our scrubs (short sleeved) or not....Needless to say, I cut on my arm. But I didn't even really cut....I used the sharp edge of a pen cap...Lol.

Another thing is that I go to get my results for my needle I got the other day...I think the needle is what triggered it...Just talking about it now, almost makes me want to cut again, but I can't, because Mom and Dad are gonna find out eventually...and I still want to go to school to see Ms. Slackson. Last time I tried to kill myself I stayed home for three weeks..Anyways I gotta go cuz it's supper time.

See you.

~Randi

Happy New Years, everyone! Hope y'all had fun last night and the night before with your...whoever you're hanging out with. Lol. XDD

Not much to say...I've resumed my story writings. :3

I like the idea of expanding Oasis, but like many people (it seems) I don't want to lose "The Big Happy Oasis Family"...This place is like my sanctuary, where I can go to friends in need here, and I...I don't want to lose that.....

God Bless You Oasis...I hope you never change for the worst! (Sorry that sounded like I was being critical....) :3

~Randi

Hm....Well, reflecting back on 2006, I've had a hell of alot of ups and downs, but I made it through another year. ~_~

I went from thinking I was straight as a line to...being curious. XD I went from being unemployed, to having a job....I went from being me in 2005 to being me in 2006....

Another fucking year gone. Wow. XDD Sweetness.

~Randi

P.S. Happy (Early) New Years!

Happy Holidays everyone! :-)

Well, let's see....how did my Christmas go, so far? It truly went awesome, to tell you the truth....I got a bunch of small stuff, like books, jewlry, socks, perfume, etc. But the major thing that I got that I was really happy about was that I got an.....

AMP!!!!!!!! <333 My father and I really really wanted one too, cuz we only had one that was actually working, out of...maybe ten? But now we have two!! XDD With the amp, I got a shirt that was literally folded to take the shape of a guitar. XD On the shirt, it says "Canadians Kick Axe!" (The name of the store we got it from--Axe.)...instead of that 3 letter word. xDD :P Now I can wear it to school without the teachers going, "hey...." Giving me a weird look. Lol. XDD So yeah, my Christmas is going AWESOME. Not to mention, I got to see a friend that I haven't seen in a couple months, even if it was just for a quick gift exchange. She got me this awesome journal!! *Huggles*

Well, that's it for now, so have a good Xmas everyone...and don't forget to NOT drink and drive!

~Randi