I told my friend about me liking girls. Actually I told her a while ago. It went okay I think. She said she doesn't care as long as I don't "like" her. We haven't really talked much since then, but thats just because its summer now and I don't really talk much to any of my friends in the summer. So I think things are okay with that, but I kind of got the feeling that she was uncomfortable with it
Haha! I've probably written something in here or as replies on this site like, 10 times now! I keep not pushing the post sign though. Its been really hard to talk lately on the computer or phone...or person. Its just been hard to talk lately!
Nothings really been going on with me. I have always had little periods of time where I am so weird and social anxietied that I don't want to see anyone I know. I get so mad at myself too! I wish I was normal!! In more than one way!! And I always feel so bad about feeling bad because I have a great life! Nothing appears to be wrong with me but I swear I am seriously screwed up mentally. I don't think other people have the same sort of thought processes that I have! I can't even explain how I think. Maybe thats why I can never explain anything to people.
Well....I ended up chickening out! I am too afraid of how things will change when I come out, and me and that friend are going to be going on some trips together this summer and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable (even though she really shouldn't)
Does anyone else feel like that all they do is think about whether or not you're GLBT? It seems like I spend SO MUCH time thinking about it and obsessing and analyzing it. It has even affected my school work. I can't concentrate through my classes! School is going to be over soon for good though, so that part will be okay. I just wish I could push it out of my mind, but I am the type of person that over-analyzes everything so I probably won't be able to push it away until I know what it means to be me. I'm not quite sure exactly who I am yet so it is impossible for me to know where my sexuality fits into who I am. But life is for figuring this stuff out right? I just wish I could turn off the constant thinking about it once in awhile at least.
AAARGH! I was talking to my friend on MSN and I was trying to think of what to say on it to come out to her and I couldn't think of ANYTHING!! I really wanted to tell her, but I couldn't think of what to say so that I could still stand seeing her in school tomorrow without feeling scared or weird. I wish I could tell her in person, but I know I will never have the guts to! I just feel more like I'm not sure if I can make sure that she won't tell anyone unless I can look her in the eyes and see her reaction to it myself.
I still really want to tell someone and have someone to talk to, but I am too afraid to talk to any teachers and I don't want my friends to see me or treat me differently. They won't be mean, but it will be the main thing in how they see me. I hear how they talk about any girls they know that are lesbians and that is what they are refered to as...."the lesbian"! Agh! I wish I didn't care about what other people think of me! and I wish I didn't have to tell someone, I wish someone would just figure it out! I know thats never going to happen, but it would be so much easier if someone just asked me (besides family-don't want them to know)
Does anyone else hate it when someone asks you "is there anything you want to talk about?...It always makes me want to just blurt out that I might be gay. One of my teachers asked me if I wanted to talk the other day and I really just wanted to let go and tell her about why I'm acting oddly. But I don't know her that well and I've never really talked to her before and if I did tell her it would just make going to that class that much more difficult.
Hmmmm.....I guess I won't be coming out in high school! This year is almost over and I still don't feel ready to tell anyone. Right now though I don't feel the need. It's weird, when I'm busy and in a normal mood (not good or bad) I don't really feel like I need someone. I would still like to have someone, but its not like a gut-wrenching need that I usually feel. I also keep trying to convince myself that I might like guys more than I'm letting myself believe. I think "I could see myself with a boyfriend" but then I realize that whenever I think that way it's just that I can see myself going places and doing stuff with them, but with no romance. I don't know....
I'm in a good mood right now so I thought I would post it on here to have it on record that I'm not always depressed and angry and to take up some "me" space on the journal page!! Schools almost over and I'm almost normal!...I swear school DOES something to me! Makes me a different person with a different way of thinking!....weird! Ah well, I'm happy...Thank you, that is all.
I really want to tell someone but I'm afraid that when I do I will avoid whoever I tell because I'll be afraid of what they think. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable around me either, just treat me like me. I know it would be different for awhile and there's no way of getting around that, but I'm just afraid. I also wouldn't know exactly who to tell either. My most accepting friend is probably the friend I see the least of because she is so busy all the time and has so many other friends. My closest friend is probably the one that would be the most weirded out by it and I don't feel close enough to any of my other friends to talk to them. I know of only one other gay person at my school (a guy) and I was thinking about talking to him but because I don't know him that well, I'm not sure if I can trust him not to tell any of his friends.
I really think I should talk to somebody, but no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself to find someone, like a therapist. I don't have any friends that I feel I could trust to understand me and not tell anyone else. I think I might be depressed again. I have been worried it would come back and I felt it creeping up again but I just kept ignoring it. I was told before by a psychologist that it probably originated from my social anxiety. With the social anxiety I don't even know if that is just like, a chemical imbalance or whatever, or if it has to do with the fact that I started messing up my life because I couldn't deal with my feelings for girls on top of my already feeling different and very self conscious since I was little. This is the only place I have to talk so sorry for taking up room with this negative type of stuff.
I've started to drop little hints and stop censoring myself so much. Actually, less dropping hints than just not being worried about people finding out. I'm trying to just let go and not even think about what I do that might be seen as gay and just be natural. It's going to take some time after almost 4 years of being careful of what might make people suspicious. I've been finding it the most difficult to not conform to what people expect me to be like. Changing in high school has to be done in baby steps or people freak out and push you back into the way you were, they think you should be.
So today my sister asked if I was a lesbian! Holy off guard! We were just watching TV and talking about guys in my school and stuff and she was saying how she can't believe that I'm not really into guys at my age. Then she just asked "are you a lesbian?" I could feel myself go red (I hope she didn't notice) and then I just quickly said that I just don't like the guys at my school, because it is a small school so its not like I have much to choose from. Then she just said "so you do like guys then?" and I said yes because it seemed like it was what she wanted to hear and it seemed to comfort her. She asked the question in a joking way, but it sounded clear that she really wanted to know. I know it was the perfect opportunity to come out to her, but I think it would dissappoint her and I don't want anyone in my family to know.
So, pretty much I just think of the little problem of whether I like girls or boys. I have always analyzed things way too much and so I have been analyzing the hell out of my feelings for like the last 5 years! Lately I've been thinking, I feel very comfortable around guys and like to hang out with them and stuff, and once in a while i think that I could go out with a guy, but I don't think I would ever want it to get serious. So pretty much just hang around with them and maybe they could hug me or cuddle with me, but not kiss me or anything further! haha Sometimes I think I am just plain into girls.I don't really like the gay lifestyle though and I am lazy and it's too much work to find a girl. haha