Ugh! I hate talking to people I don't know!....or more just people that I want to know, but have to talk to them first, but right now I don't know them so I'm nervous and self-conscious! (get all that?) I'm trying to force myself to talk to more people so it doesn't get to me everytime I say a word to anyone, but it makes me physically sick!
My mom keeps on insisting that this isn't normal and that I should talk to someone, but I really don't want to! I have tried to be more outgoing before and felt this same way, but the more I forced myself to do it the more sick I got and paranoid until I broke down and talked to no one again and hid away. Whats added to it this time is, like, mini panic attacks? I don't really know what it is but I get really hot and start breathing heavily and get dizzy and nauseous. I don't know if its worth suffering this much just to be able to talk to people.....
Bonjour! How are the Oasians today/night? I'm swell! I suppose.....
I think I need new OR more friends (more friends is much better)! Or a girlfriend (I wish) I also need to move out of this town and into a city so I can find more like-minded people who are interested in some of the things I am interested in. Yes, it would be quite wonderful to move! Ah well....While I'm stuck here I guess I could just continue on working to be more outgoing and self confident and such. Then when I do move to a city, I can actually make friends!
Well well well.... For some reason I feel like I want to talk on here, but I really can't think of anything at all to talk about!
Hmmm....ok! I went into a store late at night a couple days ago and when I went in I was surprised at how busy it was for how late it was. So I made a little face, not a really noticable one, when I walked in the door and some girl standing in line smiled at me. It wasn't a normal smile either, she smiled at me before I looked at her and then kept smiling when I looked at her and I was the first to look away. I took it as good and continued on my way....That is about the only thing that has happened for awhile hehe! Nothing really, but I twisted it in my head to make me feel good!
I'm an idiot!!!.....it just needed to be said.
Weird, night time is the right time I guess. Hmmm.....
Ever feel like being positive and happy is a lot of work? I can be in a relatively good mood and have spurts of excitement or super-positivity, but its hard to keep it going. If I try to fake myself happy when I start to feel sadness, confusion, or whatever thats negative, creeping up, I get really tired. Then I burn out sometimes and just go into super depression really fast and do and think stupid shit while I'm down. While I'm faking happy and feeling like depression is creeping, I still do stupid things just because I don't care....Even when I am really happy I feel like I could care less if I died at any moment(wouldn't want to, would just not care if I happened to) besides the thought of how it would affect my family. But yet I care about EVERYTHING after I do it! Regret is my pastime.
I've been thinking about the past quite a bit lately....
All through elementary school...and high school too I guess, I was paranoid that people thought I was a lesbian. I just felt like I "fit" it so much that I figured everyone would think it. It wasn't a huge deal to me, I just remember thinking it from time to time when other kids would stare at me or look at me for too long(haha same thing I guess!)
I feel like I have a whole new hope and a much better outlook on being gay right now! Someone I know has just recently come out and everyone is responding pretty positively! It is making me feel a lot more comfortable with myself...I'm really admiring this guy right now...and I'm jealous at the same time haha! Because of my mom knowing his mom, she found out and then she was asking me when I found out and if I suspected and stuff and kind of talked about other gay people she knows. Then she told me ONCE AGAIN that if I or my sister were gay we could tell her and asked me if I was a lesbian would I feel comfortable telling her?...I said IF I was, I think I would feel comfortable, yeah. And then she stared at me for awhile....made me uncomfortable. I really do think she suspects it, but I'm not ever planning on coming out to her because she worries enough about me already without adding that to it too. So I had the opportunity to tell a few friends and my mother this past week, but I'm not ready for people to look at me differently just yet. I think I will work on building up my confidence first so I can handle it. It feels good that I have told one friend, but shes the only one I'm comfortable with knowing right now.
Looking and wanting
But can never touch
This is the way
We all feel too much
Alone and scared
We mask the fears
The eyes of others
Hiding our tears
These people live
Never knowing our fuss
Normal and content
i want to not live anymore, for awhile. i don't want to kill myself, i just don't want to live. i can't think of how i can make things better without pushing myself over the edge first. (did that make sense?) i'm too lazy and it would be too hard. i need to talk to someone and get some help, but i have tried the whole therapist thing and i don't feel comfortable talking to them. I tried the pills and they didn't work, they made me tired and just not care....i don't know what to do.
Lately I have been having this rage about liking girls...I just so do NOT want to be a lesbian!!! Pretty much everyone else on here seems like they're okay with it and they get to accepting it after something like 1 or 2 years...Its been 4 years since I really realized it and pretty much my whole life of being worried that people would think that I liked girls because of the way I acted. Are other people feeling the same way as me and having as hard of a time as I am?? Or is it just that I'm stuck in my own little world in my way of thinking and it just SEEMS like a normal person would have accepted it by now if they had been suspicious of it in themselves and trying to repress it since they were in elementary school and had fully realized it for 4 years now?
I got really angry at this site a little while ago.....I don't know why. I don't think I had a reason, I just felt this intense hate. Weird. Anyway, I took an online test thing for depression and supposedly I am at high risk for being clinically depressed. Didn't really need the test to tell me that, especially given that the doctor and psychologist already informed me of this last year. It also runs in my family...lucky me! I didn't even feel depressed until I started questioning my sexuality. AH I need to talk to someone....I just don't want to!!! Hmph! I'm stuck! My mom found out that I was depressed last year because I kind of had a breakdown. Last year it was probably getting to me the most that I'm gay/bi(still won't let go of the possibility of having not met the right guy yet). There are other reasons for the depression too, I think it was just the stress I put on myself about my sexuality that pushed it over the edge. Now my mom has been treating me differently for this last year since she found out. So now I feel like I ALWAYS have to play happy so she won't worry about me. She always asks me, like shes checking or something, if I'm depressed!! Its depressing being asked that constantly! This is also why I NEVER want to come out to her. She treats me differently with depression, imagine how differently she would treat me if I told her I like girls! NEVER!
I was the only one on here for a little while. I don't think thats ever happened to me before. Anyway, I think I'm going crazy. Seriously. Sometimes when I am alone my mind goes into disoriented thoughts about nothing kind of things, like I just sit through a fog all day. and I go through situations in my head that I can imagine really strongly....its weird. So are my dreams lately, interesting, but weird. I really need to get out of the house more to keep me sane.