Does anyone else ever feel skeptical that people really like them? I always feel like my friends probably don't really like me and I'm boring. I just can't see that they really want to be my friend. Its more of a "I have known you since preschool so we have to be friends" thing. When a guy seems interested I am skeptical too....not that I care whether he does or not haha! But I always wonder how anyone could like me. Even when it seemed that this one guy had a crush on me for like, 3 years, I still didn't believe it until he started actually coming onto me in the last year. I'm worried I'm never going to be comfortable enough to allow someone to love me because I will always be questioning it.....and probably always chase them away with it or they will think I don't love them back because I'll be too afraid to let myself get attached. It makes my stomach turn thinking about it. I feel like I will never be loved and that I don't deserve it.
Its working. I'm actually starting to forget what actually happened. My lies are becoming truth in my head....is this damaging for the future do you think? Ah well, I don't care, its good for now. I decided I don't want to talk about the truth. I'm over it now....its been pushed away.
I really want to go talk to a therapist again. I just don't want anyone in my family to know. Problems are that I can't pay for it myself, I don't know who to go to and the ones that are free are not very good....I tried going to them already. They just really don't seem to give a shit. I try to talk to my friends, but I don't want to unload my problems onto them, they have their own to deal with. I also wouldn't want someone I hang around with knowing absolutely everything about me.....it might freak them out. I don't know what to do. I find I'm letting out more of my secrets though. I just can't contain them anymore, but I really don't want the people I tell to know, I just can't keep them in.
I tried to talk to my friend again.....I can't talk about it without making it sound like no big deal and smiling....SMILING!!!! What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't feel comfortable letting people know how screwed up I am and I don't like feeling that I am unloading my problems onto them when they are having a hard enough time with their own.
I need to get one thing out though....without playing it down.
Most things that I need to get out are way to heavy for me to tell anyone. I think I'm going to have some skeletons in my closet now that are never going to come out. I tried to talk to someone about it, but I couldn't. I can barely even think of what I've done myself....I'm pretty much in the process of trying to forget about it; just push it to the back of my mind and lock it. I feel numb to it right now, but lately it feels like I could be on the verge of crying. I'm sure that will go away with time though. Until then I just keep trying to forget and make up something new to take its place. Then repeat it until I believe it is true. I'm going to pretend everything is fine until I feel like it is again.
I've been soo busy lately! Whenever I have free time all I can do is lay down....I'm getting worn out! haha! Oh well, I like having lots to do. Time goes by so much faster when you're busy. I'm actually in a rush right now too...I just felt like writing something :)
I'm starting to crush on a lot of girls....not good! I don't even know them! Heh Stranger crushes are weird...but at least they don't make you feel sad because you can pretend that they're the meanest or nerdiest person ever. Or you can just get them out of your head by assuming they're straight. Fun to have crushes though!
I don't know.....I just don't know! You know what? I don't know! Do you know? Cause I just really don't know. You know this? I really don't, no.
Aaanyway, I am swell as hell right now! I have nothing in particular to be happy about, but I'm feeling pretty good right now for some reason!.....hmmmmmm
I was looking at the L Word IMDb forum thing and there was a topic about "how can you tell if a girl is gay" and they were talking about a "slouch" that a lot of lesbians seem to have.
I want to be out to people....I don't want them to care though. I just want it to be out there and accepted. I could even live with my parents and family knowing. The only reason I don't want them to know right now is because it would be a big deal to them and they would probably not just let it go. My mom would probably worry about me and want to constantly talk about it. I'm pretty sure other people are going to find out soon because I'm not monitoring myself nearly as much and I'm not caring so much if they suspect.
I've been feeling so unexpectant of the future lately...or even of a future. I have always said that I swear I'm going to die young. I just have this feeling, its weird, I can't imagine me living in like 20 years. I just don't see it happening. I'm not going to kill myself or be reckless or anything.....I'm just going to die in a freak accident or something of the sort. Its good to feel like this though, makes me not worry so much about things. Someone else has said she has a feeling shes going to die young too. It seems really strange to be thinking that.
Hooo.....I AM GAY! Its just uncontrollable now with not being in high school and having to constantly monitor myself. I can't stop checking out girls, I'm starting to feel like such a perv! I'm getting so I don't really care if people suspect though(except family!) I still would rather not be gay, but I feel much more comfortable now that I have accepted that I can't change it.
Its weird because I'm not attracted to guys at all, but if a guy flirts with me I'll flirt back.
I'm losing touch with the world. I'm getting increasingly angry at it and at myself lately. I'm so close to giving up its scaring me. My mother is getting on my nerves too because I have to constantly act happy or else she starts pressuring me to go on anti-depressants and get help! I NEED to get out of here! I feel like an animal caught in a trap right now, I'll chew off my own leg to get out! I'm getting desperate! I'm afraid of what I'll do! I won't kill myself or anything, but I'm afraid I'll act in a way that I'll regret when I start caring again...... No one likes me! Haha! That sounds so pathetic....but it really IS as pathetic as it sounds because its so true! I have tried getting myself invited to things, I have tried to get other people to do stuff with, and it doesn't work. Agh! I don't know how to make new friends..... I feel a strong need to start over! I have been wanting to cry a lot lately.....I have been a little too, but its hard because I know its my fault anyway. I don't even know whats wrong with me, so its impossible to fix it! All I know is I am intensely lonely and I have absolutely no one to talk to! AHHH! I need to change! I can't do it here though! My whole family lives in this small little town! I am seriously surrounded by them! I love them and everything, but I can't start my life with them creeping around every corner! I've been feeling sick for so long now too.....cabin fever!
How come when you come out to people they ask how long you've known? It seems like every gay person kind of knew their whole life, but its when they've realized it that should be the question! I've actually known I've liked girls pretty much forever.....it just didn't register as wrong or bother me until I hit puberty. Its like a lot of little girls don't really like boys when they're younger but they still get kiddie crushes on them. I always got those kind of crushes on girls. But its when you hit puberty that you start wanting to act on crushes, but by then you see how society reacts to same gender couples and have it in your head that its wrong! So really, its not dealing with being gay that gets to us, its how the other people in society percieve us that makes us have the problems dealing with it.
I take it back. I have at least one close friend :)
^Thats a siren in case you didn't get that :D
This site has been down a lot lately, hey?
Anyway, It was a good thing it was down! My mom came into the room and I minimized a page that was covering this one without thinking and it was down THANK GOD! Then, another day, my parents wanted to use the computer and kicked me off so I didn't have time to erase it in the history and they use the history to go to sites they always go to. I'm still kind of worried about that one, but so far there are no signs to them seeing it. If they did and bring it up, I would deny deny deny....or make up a story or something, even though I suck at lying!