well, it's been a long time since i write here again..
it'll sound kinda weird but i'll make this short, i'm confused about my dreams
in real life, i like femme girls and for the past few dreams i dreamnt of femme girls
but yesterday's dream was me and 'shane' from the Lword.
when i wake up, i was thinking to myself, i like butch girls?
or is it just a dream? does dream tells you which type of girls you like?
sigh.....confused.....

i went redang( a vacation island) with 5 of my friends..
and on the 2nd day night i got tipsy and did things which i'll never ever forget or regret.
there's this girl i like who also went there
to cut the long story short, i'm the only one tipsy and i ran and ran on the beach to forget my past and my sorrowness in me.
i went to bed and she's beside me. i hug her and my hand went under her shirt but she pull it off..then my hand touch her thighs and she pull it off too...then i kiss her on the lips.....and wanted to kiss her on the mouth but she resist it...
and i doze of to sleep
by the way, she's not a lesbian...
i like her a lot...
now, i don't know how to face her anymore...
getting tipsy is no fun cuz i remember what i did...haihz....

I'm currently out to 2 of my friends. One is a guy and one is a girl..
actually that guy found out so i've got no choice but to tell the truth and he promise to keep it a secret. But sometimes when i hang out and play around with girls he will give me that stare which is very annoying..
Past few weeks i'm out to my friend which is a girl and she doesn't mind..
and i'm so happy and i share my secrets with her and she share hers with me too...she has this crush with a guy so yeah..
And I have this huge crush with a girl in my college but too bad she's straight and she's like taller than me one head and very protective..she's like the perfect girl in the college...she has this crush with a guy..sigh..but the guy don't like him...so, now she's trying to get over with it...
yeah, that's all for now..

ok, this s sequence to my previous journal.
well, i went to gym just now and i saw 'her' again.My hear kinda beat faster than the normal rate. I just look straight and pretend i didn't see her again..
!! and i regretted and i don't know why i keep on doing that! so frustrated at myself...*bang head on wall* jk...haven't bleed yet..
anyway, i sat on the chair with dumbell on my legs and she was training someone and was just nearby and ask me whether i was okay or not and i just smile and shake my head and trying to mumble hi in the mean time...
gosh, what am i doing? superwoman?
anyway, she was stretching her customers leg and i just sat there and look at her. but too bad she didn't look back. so, to avoid any mysterious stares or misunderstand i walk away.
when i was going to go home. normal, wait for my mom come and fetch me. i just chatted with my friends working there. and they just started work there and they're guys. i just ask him about how his work..and somehow it leads to the girl i mention earlier.
she is malay. but she's also a christian. at that time, in the back of my head i thought no hope already i might just as well forget about it. then he told me that she's a lesbian. my heart skip. but he added she has a girlfriend and showed me. her girlfriend is working there in the receptionist counter obviously, her girlfriend is beautiful compare to me.
for one time, i hate being so tomboyish..
from today onwards, i'll try and be a girly girl and be pretty...
but how can i? i've got flesh plus muscles all over me...
sigh...
what a day!!

whoa.. it's been a really long time since i last write here..
hhmm, i just miss the feeling of writing here..since i don't have a journal myself...i treat this as my journal with some comments here and there which is like the journal talk back to me o.O
anyway, i went to a gym lately near my house just to keep myself fit cause i'm kinda weak.
and i don't know why i like girls who are taller than me.
-.- most girls are taller than me anyway
anyway, i try to make eye contact with this girl
* but she's malay* aarrgghh.... malay can't be lesbians right...
well, when she look at me i don't know why i'll pretend that i don't know and i'll just look somewhere else
then i'll regret it later..arrgghh...
and the other day in toilet i came out and wash my hand..she stand beside me a few feet away and i don't know why i don't dare to look her in the eyes and i pretend i didn't see her too...
sigh, when i wanted to go back..waited for my mom..
i was standing there talking with my friend and trying to get a glimpse of her whenever i can
then she look up and smile at me and for that moment i feel numb and i can't move then quickly give a small smile at her....then she look away..
aarrgghh...should i wave? say hi to her?
i don't know what to do... i'm scare that she's not a lesbian....
what should i do? or should i just forget about her and continue my workout?

i went to my church youth camp and this girl treat me so nice but we've been friends for a few years but didn't chat a lot...
so, she loves to hug people and when she hugs me i turn on...
but she don't know that i'm actually gay
i came back and saw her website, she put that she's a fukin playgirl
and i ask her why not fukin playgirl with me...i guess she got shock and freak and didn't reply me....
sigh... she's 100% straight... she's got so many ex boyfriends...
i dream of her everynight i can....
sigh.................

wow...it's been a long long time since i write journal...ok here it is...

i was watching 'south of nowhere' from a website..and it's downloading but finished so i just left it there and my dad used it and he saw this movie and i think he knows i'm gay....but the good thing is that my computer speaker is spoilt so basically he can't hear what they're saying but that episode include when the mother surf the net and there's this sentence 'don't take i'm gay'....
but he didn't say anything..so...i just don't know...so confused now...
*sigh*

ok..this is what happen to me..
well, me and my friend where talking about grabbing each others breast because of the song 'my humps' where the part goes like this....

What you gon' do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.

we change the work to grab...then we sang the song...this was a few weeks before..and today we're in the lab..then she say grab my breast she say she doesn't care..so i wanted to but she block it with her hand then when she stand up i couldn't believe that my left hand grab her right breast...
in my head is like *oh my gosh what have i done*
she just laugh and look at me...and say you'll get revenge and i say ok..grab mine then and she doesn't want to..well..it's weird..but ya...that's all about it for today...

my school organize a jogathon yesterday...in total we have to run 7km..
i run and run but still loose...aarrgghh..so sad and frustrated and this is my last year in school..cannot win the medal....no more chance already.....*sigh*
sob sob...sob..sob...

oh yay...
i bought the book annie on my mind plus girl walking backwards plus empress of the world..so happy...it cost me 100bucks..haha...1 months pocket money gone..anyway...got to study real hard now..have been neglecting my studies lately...
ganbate...^^

lolz..i watch brokeback mountain again this afternoon and this is the 3rd time i watch it...
any lesbians movies?? suggestions??

i read the book 'define normal' i thought it was a gay book. but i read it till the end that i notice it was a normal book. lolz. anyway, i manage to read it till the end. i hope to read as many les books and watch too.

i cried last night too without reason. i'm tired of being alone. *sigh*
i guess i prefer girls who are taller than me and a bit butch that i can feel protection around me..

hope i don't cry tonight..