So there's this dog who lives down the street from me named Einstein, who I've known ever since I was a toddler and he was a puppy. When I was five, he was big enough to carry me around on his back. Whenever a play-date or birthday party went wrong (which was often; I was an emotionally unstable little tyke), I'd run down Sorrel Dr. and visit Einstein. Since his owners weren't home most of the day, he stayed tied up in the yard--I could always say hi.

By 6th grade, the owners had started leaving a leash outside so I could take him around the block, down to the creek, or over to my best friend/next door neighbor's backyard. The friend (who I'm still ridiculously close with; I've known her as long as I've known the dog) only lived next door for one year, but we taught that dog to do tricks and jump hurdles. He stayed in the yard until dusk in the summer, until the 3 of us collapsed, exhaused, under a sprinkler.

Now he's 14-- pretty damn old for a dog. His back legs don't really work right and he has trouble with stairs (and curbs, and pebbles, and flat surfaces) and can hardly walk from his house to mine. But he's still the same quirky dog who loves empty milk cartons and ice and only eats his food if he's being watched.

((That didn't really have anything to do with anything, but I'm taking care of him this week while his family is away, so it was just on my mind and I decided to write about him.))

So today after I brought Einstein back home to sleep in his air-conditioned living room, my dad and I went grocery shopping. We get there and there's this whole giant section of the parking lot totally empty, and he just goes, "So, you want to drive around?"

Woah. Hold the phone! So for the past year I've been like, "hey mom, wanna let me drive?" "So let me drive!" Mostly in fun because I don't like, know HOW to drive. So when dad suggests letting me drive it was like, WOAH.

His car is a stick shift, so we spent 20 minutes sitting there (me behind the wheel!!!!), with him showing me how to start it, how to move. We put it in neutral and I practiced turning the steering wheel and just stopping, and then I faced it uphill and I put it in gear and... killed the engine. Like, 5 times. But finally I got it going, at which point I realized I had no idea what to do, so I just stopped doing stuff and the car stalled.

But it was neat! I got to drive! Now of course, I'll be bugging him to let me drive again... but it was so cool! Definately the highlight of my day.

AND then we got home and there was company coming-- a bunch of the parents' friends coming for sushi and to watch "Our Fathers," which is this long (and confusing) movie about rape in the catholic church.

It was actually a decent movie, though.

And now I'm REALLY hungry. I've been hungry a lot this evening. I guess I'll have some cereal and then go to bed.

...i got to DRIVE today!

I appear to be Drifting from this site. hah, oh well.

So it's been a pretty awesome-tastic week. Monday and Tuesday were the last days of school, but me and the girlfriend and a friend of ours were hanging out at school being insane on wednesday- sprinting around in the halls and plotting to freak out our english teacher and drinking chocolate milk.

...andstuff. xD

So then on Friday I hung out with Bonnie and Annie (middle school friends, formerly dating) and Alex (middle school friend, giant dork-guy) and Thomas (middle school aquaintence. Very Cool Dude) at the movies, and we wached "You Don't Mess with The Zohan" (which sucked) and then messed around at the movie theater arcade and spend like 20 bucks worth of quarters, and I ran into another middle school friend and played DDR with her.

And Yesterday I went to my friend Hannah's house, where we played rock band until my wrists stopped responding ((damn rock band drums)) and ate pizza and watched "Juno," and then I slept over and in the morning I took a shower and we went to the mall AND

I bought a skirt! Its stripey and comfy and not slutty but keeps me cool, which is nice because its like a ZILLION FUCKING DEGREES right now!!!! *Dies*

Bascially I'm trying to hang out with as many friends as possible before I go to camp (In 13 DAYS!) for two months. My dad and I planned out the entire summer (finally) and I'm pretty damn sure that after I leave for Vermont on the 21st, I'm only gonna be home for about 3 nights before school starts. Camp through August 14th, a week backpacking with dad, one night at home, and then time at the beach. Hopefully I can invite Kat to the beach. ((Hey, Kat, are you free around August 19th???))

Yeah. Time to convince mom to give me money to buy books! =D

I'm experiencing something today that I haven't ever experienced before.

I feel slutty.

Sadly, this leaves me with nothing to wear which will make me feel at all attractive. I stole a brown skirt from my sister, but it's all long and flowy, which is not only very last year, but very innocent. NOT what I'm going for.

Damn. I need a mall buddy. =0

"The world is filled with beautiful things
Butterfly wings and fairy tale kings.
And each new day undoubtedly brings,
Still more of these beautiful things."

Is that a quote from something? I heard that line in like, 2006 and its stuck in my mind for a long time. What's it from?

So yesterday I fell of my horse. It majorly sucked. Like, usually I'm pretty graceful with my falls, but this one just SUCKED.

Mostly because my girth ((y'know, the strap holding the saddle on)) came undone. Like POP.

We were cantering circles in the ring and the horse was being a bitch, making me seriously steer with my legs and shit. And I'm stepping on my outside stirrup, trying to balance my weight, and my saddle started slipping. I thought the girth was just loose, and you hear these horror stories about being stuck under the running horse when your saddle slips under. Way to go me, I freeze up.

And then the horse ducks in and... my saddle doesn't.

Like, inertia.

So I'm still sitting on the saddle, going in one direction, and off the horse goes in the other. Thank GOD the girth came completely undone. Anyway, I slam to the ground, my whole right side simultaneously. Terribly ungraceful.

And now my whole right side aches. Right hip, right shoulder, right arm... a little scrape on my hand, and, randomly, the left side of my neck hurts.
~~~~
I'm also a little nervous for school tomorrow. I just want things to go right. Because if stuff goes wrong, that's a great friendship, down the drain. I know, though, that I'm willing to work my ass off to keep the friendship, no matter what else happens.

So today was neat. I woke up at like 8:00 (so early for a saturday!) and was really hungry, so I got on my bike and rode to Lucky's Diner.

I loooooove Lucky's. They have banana cream pie and rootbeer floats and waffles and pancakes and burgers (which I dont eat) and really good eggs and buttery toast. So I went to the counter and got some coffee, then mused about what I was going to get.

And then... LUCKY'S GIRL walks by.

Now, a note on where I live: there are very few places worth going. But the best places have sexy girls who work there. There's Sexy Border's Girl, Yummy Panera Girl (panera is a bakery), and Adorable Lucky's Girl.

I think ALG is my favorite. She's got short short hair but with little braids in the back, a very adorable nose, a crooked little gap between her front teeth, and a NICE ass. LIke, I'm not hugely into asses but she has a NICE one. And since I was at the counter, I mostly saw her ass because she was always pouring juice or coffe for people. Also, she's really really cheerful. Like 6 am or midnight, she's wiping down empty tables and dancing and smiling. And nothings more attractive than happiness.

Anyways. SO I got scrambled eggs and hash browns and toast and orange juice, along with a second (ok, and a third) cup of coffee. And then ALG comes to grab my plate and as she picks it up she goes "I really like your shirt." ((I was wearing my girlyman shirt."
And I say "Thanks. It's actually a band."
"Oooh. Girlyman. Are they good?"
"Of COURSE. You should look them up. It'll change your life."
"I love having my life changed!"
"Well, who doesn't?"
And she laughed and took my empty plate back to the kitchen.

It was aaaaaaaaawesome.

So. Today I went with my dad to see "Evita." It sucked. Majorly. Well acted, really, but just... made NO sense.

Before that I ate subway, before that I went with my sister on some job-application-dropping-off and other errands.

Before THAT I watched the second-to-last episode of Buffy, the one where Spike is all like "I love you Buffy" and Anya and Andrew have a wheelchair fight and Buffy chops Caleb in half; simultaneously I attempted to explain linear programming and systems of equations to my friend on the phone, which was really difficult, especially because I was watching Buffy.

I also had a very awkward conversation at school. But at least it was a conversation. >.<'

So, when life really sucks, I like getting new music.

So I bought my third Les Miserables CD. My first was the regular original American Cast Recording. My second was the full symphonic London cast.

And yesterday I bought the 1991 Paris cast. It's in FRENCH. I LOVE IT.

there is, literally, NOTHING in my life that isn't overwhelming me right now. I feel like a season of Buffy... as soon as you think everything is going well, Spike tries to rape Buffy and Tara gets shot. A really high moment is evidentally just the calm before the storm.

Alright, so first, there's this girl I Like. And this part is really no biggie in the overwhelming department, but whatever. It's just like, give me an ANSWER. Blech. Whatever. It was definately going to be an "ok, so that didn't work out, moving on to the next available dyke" situation. But it's not really helping because my entire situation sucks to add to it.

A month ago, something possessed me to randomly ask out my best friend. I thought about it for about twelve hours, and then realized it wouldn't work, I wasn't attracted to her. ((http://www.oasisjournals.com/2008/04/really-rather-odd))
So last night, I get an email from her telling me that she's like... in love with me. And of course this is my fault. I led her on. Badly. And now its biting me in the ass.

Also, I think Maria pretty much hates me. So, we talked on the phone that time when she had told me she had a boyfriend ((http://www.oasisjournals.com/2008/05/and-the-phone-calls-go-marching-on))
Then I wrote her this letter like, "You know I was kind of expecting some things and it threw me that you have a boyfriend." Before she got the letter she called me to tell me she was a giant whore, and relate this GIANT drama with all these boys who like her and how she hooked up with one of them who isn't her boyfriend.
And now she's gonna get that letter. On the other hand, I'm kind of NOT caring about her drama. Is that bad?

So last night the WHOLE fucking WORLD is crashing over my head while I figure this out, and my friend Ashley started texting me about this guy Joe (Who's sweet and smart, but creepy) and how she wants to go out with him, like "I really think he likes me and I defintely like him but like, I don't know what to do." Yeah, give me a BREAK.

Anyway then without really realizing it last night I wrote this HUGE rant up and down my right arm. So basically I have to wear a hoodie all day because I look fucking emo... kind of like how I feel.

Blech. And also, why the hell is my grandmother in my HOUSE?!?!

So today generally sucked. Sucked a LOT. Not that anything terrible happened, I just felt queasy all day and... good things DIDN'T happen.

Plus, I've always been super-proud of my dorkness. I know I'm cool, in my own way. I'm cool because I do what I like and like what I want. Never before have I actually encountered a real standard of cool. But I'm not cool, am I? Not by the common standards. And that hasn't bugged me.

But now, I suddenly WANT to be cooler. No, not to the point that I'm going to straighten my hair, buy eyeliner, and start planning my outfits, it's just a passing want. Still.

In conclusion, my day sucked. And so I made soup. And banana bread. And salad. It was very therapuedic. Still... ugh. I'm still getting queasy. Nerves I guess. My nerves are SHOT.

So I'm kinda frustrated by the fact that I can't write about as much on Oasis because now I like, KNOW people who're on it, like in real life.

Two of my relationships ended directly because of this site. I would write something dumb, something that just popped into my mind about how I was uncomfortable in the relationship, and she'd read it.

I guess it wasn't BECAUSE of this site, it was just like... it was less pleasent because of this site. Well, because of dumb choices I made ON this site.

It's such a great support network, though. But now I have blogs that I want to blog and I can't blog them!!!! >.<

all with the mood swings these past couple days. Yup. I need to head to the barn and take a trail ride to work out my issues. Horses make good listeners.

Anyway, mostly I'm having mixed feelings about this maria crap now, and I just need ot muddle through them because I kNOW what's on the other side, I just need to get there.

I really like the Key West ad in the sidebar. Not because the chicks are overly hot, just because there aren't any men in underwear right next to the journal entry I'm trying to write. Which is nice.

So I was really frustrated yesterday about how EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY EXES is currently going with a guy. It kinda made me feel like the weird one who stays gay... (i'm feeling better about myself now, though.) And one of my friends (who's actually straight, for the record) just said, "You shouldn't feel weird. You should feel lucky because you've always known who you are." And that put things into perspective for me

Annd now I'm gonna go to synagogue and teach israeli dances to small childrens.

Hey, did anybody catch the Kentucky Derby last night? I thought it was pretty lame... what with the cheesy win by the favorite with flat feet. It was cool when a filly came in second... cool until she went *crunch*.

So last night I talked to Maria on the phone. I was sitting in my room, drinking cranberry juice from a wine glass, playing guitar with a little pink candle flickering on my desk, and I just spontaneously texted her.
"Hey, did you get my letter?"
And went back to my guitar. And then I was like WOAH I just texted Maria.
"Yeah," she replied. "I wrote you back."
"Sweet. I guess they don't call it snail mail for nothing."
"how are you?"
And so it went. I told her about how I accidentally set my guitar pick on fire, and she mentioned some cool people she'd been hanging out with. I continued texting her, just going back and forth, about my gay boyfriend, about whatever, while I went downstairs and made myself a bowl of ice cream.

And then she says "Can I call you?"
And I pause to collect myself and say, "Gimme five minutes to finish my ice cream."

So I finish my ice cream and on cue, my phone starts ringing. And I answered. And we started talking. "Hey." "Hey." "Man, it's good to talk to you again." "Yeah I know."
It was... amazingly NOT awkward.
So she starts telling me about this boy she hooked up with--wait. What? yeah, that was right. the boy she hooked up with-- how awesome he is--stab, stab-- but then slowly, as we start talking--no stabbing, not so much-- woah, am I feeling happy for her-- "Oh, wow, he sounds SO cool," not lying. Not faking it.

What is this? And then I started calling her straight, to piss her off. Which worked. She's not straight. Sure, Maria. And then we started talking about neck-kissing. And then she was talking about that time in Boston when I was kissing her neck and how amazing it was for her. And I told her how I'd spent the entire week before that reading really really serious, melodramatic vampire books so mostly what I was thinking about was... *chomp*

Still not awkward. Not awkward at all. Just totally fun. Totally chill. Laughing at ourselves and each other. Being serious for a while, about the dumb stuff we did, why it is that suddenly it's okay. Because that's what we missed about each other, when we weren't talking... was friendship. Was being able to laugh. And that's something we hadn't had for a LONG time.

And connecting again was what made me let go. I find I Never completely get over a person until I've talked with them again. It's the greatest thing.... just being comfortable with somebody who meant that much to you.

So we were joking around about our kisses, who started what, and then my big sister pokes her head into my room. "One second," I say to maria. Sarah (the sis) yells "GUESS WHAT?" I reply with the obligatory, "CHICKEN BUTT." And Sarah continues "THE WHOLE HOUSE CAN HEAR YOUR CONVERSATION." And leaves. Great. Gotta love sisters.

So I tell that to Maria and we laugh, and then we talk a few more minutes, me being very very very quiet, and then I go "Ok, now i feel awkward about people hearing me in my house," and she goes "yeah, I'm pretty tired." So we joke a little about the end of our phone conversations, say "and I love you," with perfect ease, and then I say "Ohmigawd, My phones out of batteries!" ((because her batteries always die)) and then just hung up. Because I LIKE being mean.

And so here's what I realized last night. I was holding holding HOLDING onto this little thread of an old idea. "I just love maria so much!" I would say. But holding onto something from long ago, someone far away, is just easy. Why make a big effort to move forward when I could just hang out in the past?

Well now I'm ready to make the fucking effort. All I need now is the fucking spine to ask her out. ((not maria. Somebody else))

So I would say my favorite romantic cliche in songs is "juliet." Any song about Juliet (though of course they're not ABOUT juliet, it's just an allusion or whatever) makes me smile (or makes me sad, if that's the case.)

Romeo and Juliet by The Indigo Girls
Check yes, Juliet by We the Kings.

I just like it. I mean, come on. Romantic cliches are awesome. Any other suckers in the crowd, raise your hands.

In other news... oh, never mind. I don't have other news. I'm gonna go to the library or something.

so mostly I'm wearing boxer shorts right now. My mom wanted to wash my pants. Soooo I let her have them. I feel pretty swanky in my "Mr. Perfect" boxers and my "Springer {{{thats my old middle school}}} chorus" polo shirt and my newly pink-streaked pigtails.

=D

Life's been pretty awesome lately. Lots of hanging with friends, particularly hanging with a particularly awesome friend in a particularly awesome tree. ((Haha am I creepy yet??!?!?)) But between my straight friend (we call ourselves a GSA) and my school friends and by teddy bear friend and my buffy-sharing friend, I'm pretty okay.

Still waiting on a letter back from Maria. That's the only damper.

God, I can't believe it's almost summer! All the trees are green, but the yellowish green that verges on sickly sometimes that we get around here. We had a few crazy humid days (the summer status cow around here), and my hair got totally poofed. I can't wait to get to camp. Vermont air. I'm suffocating for lack of it.

So I think I'm gonna head out to the barn now. Put some pants on first. Maybe eat some veggies. Carrots. Definately carrots.