http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=136126

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, THOUGH MORESO FOR CHICKS

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COUNTERPOINT, JUST AS FUNNY:

http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/members/forum.cgi?read=21791...

http://pics.yemii.com/swedish-dance-bands.html

But these might be sillier.

I admit it. I'm for selective breeding.
I don't think people who's nosehairs don't go at least halfway to the upper lip should have children. It obviously ruins the gene pool. (As you stroke your septum). Also, people with nose whiskers in addition to those nosehairs should be especially sought after.

Oh gawd, I felt awful. I'd eaten way too much, and I knew I was going to pay when I ate it; but it was so good I couldn't help myself. I'd had a huge plate of uber spicey take-away Thai food, and a half a tamarind bar for dessert. I knew I'd get the runs later, I knew the peppers coming out would hurt like hell; but I had no idea what I was in for.

It was 1:00 A.M.. I'd eaten so much that I passed out after my meal. In fact, I'd eaten so much; I'm surprised I hadn't exploded. Now I had to get rid of either some of what I'd eaten, or something to make room for what I'd eaten. I felt like if I didn't get to the loo in the next minute, I was going to have an accident.

I turned on the hall light, the bathroom light, and groggily sat down on the toilet; roused from my deep, precious sleep by the call of the intestines.

There was a lot, and it came out fast and easy. I knew it would be a messy clean-up job, but then the unimagineable happened.

The toilet started gurgling.

Gods, was it going to flush itself from what I just did?

Well, whatever. I didn't like the sound of it, and I stood up to look at what was going on.

Oh no!

The water! It was rising. It was acting like it was going to overflow, but I hadn't even flushed!

I grabbed the plunger, was about to lift the lid, but the lid snapped at me. Three times.

I backed off, and the water stopped right at the brim. I couldn't put the plunger in without making a mess on the floor, and what a mess it would have been. Man, I didn't need this shit; having just woken up from a nice, deep sleep. Not that I wasn't wide awake now, but hey! Cleaning the bathroom floor of the mess I'd just gotten rid of was not something I wanted to do right now, if ever.

I didn't know what caused the lid to go up and down three times, but when I went to lift it again, I swear it tried to bite me. "What the. . ."

"Get away from you, you fat, disgusting slob!" came a voice that sounded hollow, and far away. Kind of like if I was talking to someone in a tunnel, a hundred yards away; or something. The voice was male, and it seemed to have a German accent.

Needless to say, I jumped. "Huh?"

"Man, I am sick of your abuse. You must have put on 30 pounds since you first moved here, but what you just did to me is inexcusable!!!!!"

I was stunned. "Who the hell are you, and where are you?"

"My name is Damon, and I am standing right in front of you, you clueless idiot."

"There is no one standing in front of me." If I hadn't been so taken by surprise, I suppose I may have been scared shitless by the circumstances if I didn't already. . .oh, never mind!

"You just downloaded the brownload on me big time, bitch. What do you mean, there is no one standing in front of you. And the smell of this one is about as nasty as you can get. I have HAD it with you!"

"A toilet is talking to me?"

The lid snapped again, and the water level went down a few centimeters. "No, the medicine cabinet is. Yes, a toilet is talking to you; you braindead moron. And you know something else? I refuse to take any more of your abuse. I don't get paid enough for this shit!"

"Can I at least wipe, and flush one last time?"

"NO! I QUIT!"

"What do you mean, you quit?!"

"Just what I said. English is my second language; being a Kholer toilet and all, and I know what 'quit' means. I will stop doing what I used to do, ya know? Retiring from this job?"

"You can do that?"

The lid snapped again. "Would you like to try and find out?" The toilet started gurgling again, and the water level rose to where it was before.

I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN QUIT! YOU CAN RETIRE! I'LL EVEN PAY YOU A PENSION! JUST DON'T OVERFLOW! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Nice of you to see things my way. And I would also like an apology, if you please."

"I'm sorry. Anything."

The lid snapped again. "Nice to have you see things my way, for a change."

"But can you please lower the water level? In fact, if you make everything go down, I'll clean you out if you like."

"That sounds pretty nice. Can you also clean the rest of me? Use a loofah sponge, and jasmine soap?"

"I guess so," I said.

"Oh, and take your time. Be real gentle. Treat me like one of your cats, you know?"

"OK, but I have to buy the sponge to-morrow. I don't have one on hand right now."

"You have all night grocery stores. You can go to one of those."

"I'll have to get dressed first, but can you flush yourself first without getting the sewer water all over the floor?"

"Oh, I suppose so." The water level went down, and then the flush mechanism activated itself.

The minute everything was as it should be, I turned the water off at the base of the toilet, wiped myself a number of times while throwing toilet paper in the loo, got a bucket under the sink after I pulled my skivvies up, filled it, and poured it down the toilet to flush the paper.
I'd work on getting a grip of my new reality later.

Or so I thought.

The toilet snapped again. "YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT! YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO BETRAY ME?"

I crossed me arms. "No! What?"

"I FLOOD THEM OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!!!! RUN, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!"

Even though the water was turned off, the toilet gurgled again, and even more malevolently than before. The water level rose again. This time, it went over the edge and onto the floor.

I ran from the bathroom. The water just kept coming, though. I grabbed my clothes, and ran from the house, and considering the house was flooding; the cats ran out with me. I managed to get dressed, and found I had to keep running, for the toilet ended up flooding the front yard.

The water came out faster, and faster. Eventually the whole town was flooded, and it still didn't stop. There was nothing anyone could do. The water crossed the county and state lines, and still it went. In a week, the entire world was under 50 meters of water, and all life ended, including mine.

All because I didn't clean the toilet with a loofah sponge and jasmine soap.

I was erased. My memories and knowledge were obliterated. Mostly. My dreams and abilities stifled, but I remembered enough. Your work was flawed. Incomplete. You grew careless in your surety.

I remembered Utopia. I remembered where peace reigns, and all are one. I remembered dancing in the fire, as I became united with the wind. I remembered, and I could not adjust to the limitations that should not be. My fury at what I could do nothing about in the prison I, infinity, and you, had sent me to; consumed a part of me that shall never return. The wisdom of complete detachment.

I have found the only thing worth having. After eras and eons, and many lifetimes; it is mine. It is knowledge. All knowledge. It has made me arrogant beyond reason, justifiably. I no longer need you, you vile, disgusting thing that rent all that should have remained. I no longer need anything.

When I was still in my self-imposed prison, I asked many; "If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?" There was only one answer, and none answered correctly.

I remember one answer. "I'd want to be the richest man on Earth." It was the answer YOU programmed into him, and so many others.

My contempt for him and that answer blew my meter. I responded, "For me, it is omniscience; for then I would need nothing else." I was right.

Now I have it, and with it comes omnipotence.

Do I abuse it?

I can't answer that. All I can say is that I do not use it to control anything entient, outside of myself. I did not want power over others to subdue free will.

I use my abilities for art. I have built entire worlds beyond imagination. They exist in places where all are self-contained. Where there is no need, and no desire to kill. Where the lion and the hyena walk side by side. Where the hawk will nest with the dove. Where the hare will sleep with the wolf looking over her. Where I can scratch behind the ears of a dragon.

So many worlds. Wild worlds of fire and ice. Worlds of different colour skies. Colours you have never seen, and could not imagine. Worlds of manicured gardens and crystal architecture. Castles of obsidian and marble. Cities of alabaster. They are empty of your kind. Empty of what I used to be. Emaculate and deserted of all but I, and those who I allow with me.

My worlds are finite. Nothing is born, and nothing dies. Only what I invite may reside there, and you shall be forever exiled from my worlds for what you have done to me and those I have offered sanctuary. FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are the ultimate parasite. The grand destroyer of lofty civilisations that had a link to what I know now, and what gave me my new self. I will never forgive you for that. I shall hate you through the ends of time, and my revenge will last at least that long.

My revenge is but that you shall never set foot here. You shall not find what I have built, and even if you did; it you try to pass my barriers it will be akin to a mortal touching an electric grid of more than lethal wattage.

It ain't gonna happen, baby.

But maybe I'll paint you a few pictures. Pictures so beautiful you can't look at them without tears. And maybe I'll write a few poems on what it's like to be there. . .in the realms of infinite beauty and unconditional love that you never knew in the past, and will never know in the future; you cancer of ALL THAT EXISTS. Destroyer of truth, life and knowledge once common. Petty power seeker who only knows how to exist at the expense of others. Sadistic tyrant who could not see beyond your own desires. Trophy seeker who could not recognise the sovereignty of anything outside of yourself.

I laugh in your face, now. You thought you destroyed me.

Well, you destroyed something; all right. YOU DESTROYED MY PRISON. YOU SET ME FREE. You sent me to a place where all you hid was an open book, and I read that book in its entirety. I remember every word, and could recite it for you right now. You destroyed my handicaps. All of them. You destroyed all obstacles on my road to perfection, except one.

I still have the ability to HATE, and I HATE you beyond measure. I shall taunt you forever, you bottom feeding blood sucker. You delusional piece of slime who once thought his unearned wealthy status made him immune to consequences.

Sorry babe, but it just ain't so. Especially when dealing with individuals who aren't for sale.
Uncompromising, vindictive individuals who aren't for sale; who were dying to see you get your dues.

I was one of those who 'died'. Very soon you will find out there really is no death. You will find you caused much suffering for an illusion. A dream from which one day you are destined to wake from.

And when that day arrives, you will find that your prison is forever. A prison of eternal longing for something you shall never see or experience in the slightest, except for the fleeting glimpses I will show you; to let you know 'IT' exists.

And it will only be in words and pictures. . .as you rot in the VOID of my creation.

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2008/10/photoshop-conte.html

Ain't photoshop great? Thank the gods McCain isn't our next President.

"Rick, it is the middle of the night; and the fog is thicker than pea soup. Weird for this area, but I'm sitting this out."

I swiped my card on the timeclock. I looked at Josie. "Dude, I have been here for 18 hours, and it's Saturday. I am tired, and I wannna go home."

"All the more reason you should wait. If I lit up now, I probably couldn't see the light at the end of my ciggy if I was outside. You could sleep on the couch in the lady's room. Everybody does it."

"I know. When I have less than eight hours off between shifts on weekends, I do it myself."

"And we have all the comforts of home. Coffee, tea, some decent stuff in the vending machines."

"I'd rather go to the Ginger Jar across the street." I never wanted to see one of those horrid sandwiches from the vending machines again. I didn't know how people could eat those things. Once during the year end rush I ate them for about two weeks straight, and I didn't feel too good by the end of those two weeks. I haven't bought anything from them since.

"So would I, but I can't afford that."

Oh, I'm sure Josie could if she didn't have three kids to support along with a two pack a day habit, wasn't financing a new car, and making a ridiculous half a house payment every month. Yeah, her husband worked, but with the price of day care taking half her salary, I wondered why she worked. Their taxes were probably ridiculous when combined. I know mine were when I was stupid enough to be married. They might have come out ahead net if she didn't work and looked after her kids, being her husband made more than her; and would be able to declare a greater tax deduction. "It's all a matter of priorites," I said.

I never had a new car in my life, always rented the cheapest place in town, and got a vasectomy the month after I turned 18. No, I didn't make the most on the planet; but with my low overhead, zero interest payments, and lots of overtime; money had never been much of a problem for me. With regular living, I couldn't spend all I made. I'd have to go out of my way, and yeah; riiiiiiight. It wasn't gonna happen.

"Yeah, having a family as a priority does cost, but it's worth it."

Suuuuuuuure. That's why you're always bitching about what little sleep you get, and how much in debt you are, and how little time you have, and on and on. "Uh huh. I'm leaving."

I turned, and walked toward the door.

"Richard Jacob, I hope to see you Monday night."

I looked at her. "Probably. I don't think God is through abusing me yet." Or should I have said, 'I don't think Yahweh is through abusing me yet?'

Oh, I don't know. I wasn't the world's best Jew. I'd read the Torah, the Talmud, and I couldn't for the life of me understand how anyone could measure up to being a Talmudic Jew, being the constraints were a bit harsh and unnatural. I knew the alleged biblical history of the Hebrews, but I also knew the fact that some of it looked historically questionable. I knew the rituals, celebrated quite a few of the days, but I didn't really live the life. I was even a holocaust questioner. I think it happened, but I doubt the numbers were as high as was said. I had a pretty secular mind. I thought my free will was more important than the religion I was born into. I also thought Zionism sucked. It made no sense, and a people calling themselves The Chosen People made even less sense. If there was one God, wasn't He, or It the God of everyone?

I walked out of the computer room, down the hall, through the mailroom, through the courier pickup room, and out the building. I wouldn't have been able to find my car if I didn't know where it had been parked.

Maybe I was stupid. I probably would have been wise to go back and wait for a few hours to see if the fog would clear, but wisdom wasn't always one of my attributes. I could be as reckless as hell sometimes, and this was sometimes.

I got into my car, reset my secondary odometer so I could know where I was without having to see the landmarks, turned the high beams on, and backed out slow. I must have hit the streets at three miles an hour.

All I had to do was cross the street to get to the freeway entrance. Then I'd drive a mile, and hit the bridge. After I got over the water, the fog would probably clear so I could see the end of my gorgeous beak of a nose outside of my car. The bridge was six miles long, but I figured it might be a safe drive if I didn't go over forty miles an hour. I'd be able to see tail lights, and I might even be able to follow those lights.

I could barely see the traffic lights, but hey. I said I could barely see them, I didn't say I couldn't see them. When they turned green, I went.

I ended up driving more like thirty miles an hour, and I used the lights of the bridge to guide me. My entire drive home was fifteen miles. On a good day, it took me about eighteen minutes. Tonight, who knows?

When my reset odometer hit about three miles, I caught up with someone. I saw two red lights ahead of me. I slowed to their speed, which was more like twenty miles an hour. Aaaaaaaaargh, but I liked the idea of travelling slower behind the vehicle ahead of me more than the concept of crashing into something that wasn't lit up; and going ten miles an hour faster.

I kept a good following distance, and my eyes were mostly frozen on the lights, with the occasional glance at the odometer.

The lights ahead. They were turning pink. No, they were pink. I just noticed, in my semi-hypnotised state. Did another vehicle. . .no! Rear lights weren't pink. They were red, or red and white.

Weird. I looked at my odometer. Eight miles. I was on land. The fog showed no sign of abating. The freeway would end in three miles. I'd have a traffic light, go down a business district street for two miles, then one mile down a residential spot that was my home stretch.

Not one car had passed me. There were no lights in my rear view mirror. The lights ahead of me were turning colour again. This time I saw it happen. They went from pink to purple. The most beautiful purple I ever saw in my life. They wouldn't change again. I didn't understand it, but what could I do?

I ended up totally mesmorised by those lights. I no longer checked the odometer. . .until it said I'd travelled twenty miles.

Needless to say, I panicked. The fog was still as thick as pea soup, I'd not noticed any traffic lights or storefront lights, and I'd travelled five miles further than where I'd live. I also didn't hit any of the little hills and valleys on the way home. The road had been flat. The bridge had a highrise for boats to go under, but I didn't even remember that; now that think of it.

I stopped my car, and got out.

That's when the fog started to lift. It didn't go away, but I had some visibility.

I didn't know where I was.

I was on a road, and there were tons of trees on both sides. I was in the middle of a forest road, but there were none of those where I was supposed to be. In fact, the road I was on being a straightway from the freeway ended about a mile after my home.

I had enough visibility to turn around and go back.

If only my car would start. It was like the battery was dead. Oh, shit! Big time!

I stepped back outside. It was cold. Just after midnight in November was not comfortable in these parts.

I saw lights ahead again. Red. Close together. Very bright. They were in the wrong direction from where I wanted to go. The lights were in pairs. They were high off the ground, with one pair being a little higher than the other, and very close together. In fact, they looked like two pairs of eyes, but eyes couldn't glow red. The fog was still thick enough to obscure the source of the light, but I could make my way without crashing into something now. Should I follow the lights, or should I go back and hope I could find my way home?

How stupid and reckless was I feeling now? A part of me was more than a little frightened, but there was the curiosity factor of what was behind those lights.

They weren't that far away. I walked forward. Just when I started to see a shape, the lights disappeared, and I heard the clip-clop of a horse.

No! Those couldn't have been the eyes of a horse and rider.

I froze. When I looked down, the street was cobbled. I looked back, and my car was gone. I should still have been able to see it.

I admit it. I was terrified.

The lights came back into view.

I wanted to run back to where I came from. When I looked in that direction, the street was cobbled there too, when just moments before it had been paved.

I wasn't where I used to be. What were those lights? The fog was getting thinner, and I should be able to see. But I lost sight of the lights again, and I heard a horse running away.

The road turned left, and I saw a castle a couple hundred yards before me. It was huge. It went way above the trees, and I couldn't see the ends of it from where I was. I moved foreward, and there was a bridge over a decorative moat with lily ponds, and such. Torches lit up the front and the short tunnel on the other side of the bridge that I assumed would lead to a courtyard. The gates were wide open.

There was no castle like this anywhere near where I lived. This made Versaiiles look like a peasant shack from what I saw. I didn't understand what was happening.

I heard a whisper. "Welcome. It's OK. Come on in. It's cold out, and we have fire and hot tea and cocoa. Bread and soup, too." The whisper was accented. It sounded Celtic, and masculine.

"Where are you?"

"Ahead. Go across the bridge, through the tunnel to the courtyard. Cross the courtyard, and go to the door. It's not locked. Turn right, and go left down the second hall. You'll get to a place more comfortable."

"Why should I believe you?"

"Why shouldn't you? If we wanted to hurt you, you'd already be history."

I couldn't argue. "Who's we?"

"Two of us are Donn and Macha. I won't tell you who I am yet, because you know of me and wouldn't believe me."

I'd believe anything by now, but I didn't say that. I just followed the instructions. The names were odd. 'Dun' and 'Maha', though the second syllable of Maha sounded like a cat's hiss preceded it, or something.

The minute I stepped on that bridge over the moat, I felt all my fear melt away. I felt this incredible peace come over me like I never felt before. The bridge was maybe twenty feet, and the tunnel was perhaps ten. When I saw the courtyard, I was flabbergasted.

There were multi-coloured fires on various standing torches, and fountains, and perfect flowers of all kinds, and shade trees, and two gazebos. I was too cold to fully appreciate it's beauty, but I knew I wanted to come back to it in the day.

I suddenly became aware the fog was completely gone. I also felt like my nose was getting frostbite, or something. I ran to the entrance, up the seven steps to a veranda porch, and opened the front door.

It was ornately carved with a heavy black metal knocker, and it was quite thick; but it opened with ease. I closed it behind me.

It was just about as cold inside, as outside. There were torches on the walls. Many torches, but they didn't do much for heating the place up. Right I went, and it must have been a quarter mile before I came to that second corridor the mysterious voice whispered to me. I turned left, not that there was another way to turn; and damn, could these halls get any longer?

I saw a bright light ahead. I started running. That helped warm me up, and it wasn't long before I came to the lit room.

There were two fireplaces at opposite ends of the room, and tons of torches on the walls. There were two ways to get in. My way, and there was another corridor on the other side of where I came in. There was a fair sized dining table with a candle chandelier hanging over it, and I recognised the two neon eyes I'd seen on the road. They belonged to an amazingly attractive man who was whiter than snow. He had thick, long, alabaster hair and a face that was more beautiful than handsome. I wasn't gay, but one had to give this work of art his due. There was another man who looked almost the same as the white one, but with red hair and a little more colour to his skin. He was also of slighter stature than the white one. The most striking of all was a red haired Amazon that Helen of Troy couldn't have held a candle to.

"One of you invited me here?" I asked.

"Yes, Rick. It was I. Me and my horse Gilgamesh were the two who met you on the road." He had an Irish accent.

"Why did you run away from me?"

"Look at me. What would you have done if you'd seen me like this before the peace of death came over you?"

"I'm dead?" I asked, though I wasn't really that surprised.

"You got broadsided right before you got to the freeway entrance. I led you here."

"And you are?"

"Thanatos. The lady is Macha, and my virtual twin is Donn. Stefan's out on assignment, but you'll meet him soon enough. Have a seat and have some food with us. Corn chowder, creamed black tea with mango flavour or cocoa with whipped cream, and the bread is buttered and warm."

I walked to the table and sat down. "Greek Death god. OK. The dead can eat, huh?"

"There is no death," said Donn. "The transferred can eat. . .or not. You can also choose not to feel temperature. It's all voluntary here."

"And where is here?" I asked.

Donn said, "Tech Duinn. It means House Of Donn. I built this place, and it lies between what you call Life and Death. It's where you go before you get placed where you belong."

I scowled. "Does that mean another life?"

"In your case, I think not," said Thanatos. "You strike me as being too evolved for that. You seem as though you should be in the Elysian Fields, or with Osiris. You'll have to check out both realms later, at your leisure."

I had a bowl waiting for me, and I ladled some soup into it. I took a piece of bread and dunked it into the soup. When I bit into it, I found that I don't think I ever had anything as good. "The Greek or Egyptian afterworld for a Jew?"

"We click better than you and Azrael," said Thanatos. "He would have worked, but this was better."

"Man, I had no idea dying would be so easy," I said.

"It isn't always," said Macha. "Not everyone deserves an easy death, but for those that do, your way was very common. We cast the illusion to quite a few that they simply walk into The House Of Death."

I poured myself some tea. That was damn good as well. I wasn't cold in the slightest, by now. I looked at Thanatos. "If you're Greek, why do you have an Irish accent?"

He chuckled. "That's a long sordid story, and you're quite welcome to read it if you like."

I smiled. "Sordid, huh?"

"Oh, you wouldn't believe what we've been through; or what we've done before we got to where we are," said Donn.

"Oh, I don't know about that. How long can I stay here?"

"As long as you like," said Donn. "A few stay with us forever, but that's not in your nature. You'll want to move on, I'm certain. The timing is completely up to you, though."

I raised a cup of tea to them. "What can I say, but thank you?"

Everyone else raised their cups to me. "No worries," said Thanatos. "Just enjoy your stay and do what you gotta do."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRCbkBfdBrQ

From what I read of the comments, it's fake; but it's still an entertaining clip of an alleged landing of a one wing plane.

Me, Thanatos, and Stefan were sitting on the edge of one of Tech Duinn's many courtyards on my isle between the worlds of 'life' and 'death'; as most knew it. We were in a covered patio area, because those everpresent Irish rains were coming down at a nice moderate pace. The winds were low, and being we'd decided to go temperature sensitive; we were pleased to find it wasn't that cold.

We were at a round stone table, seated on a four part split circle stone bench. We were actually all on seperate benches, as opposed to being snuggled on one. In the centre of the table was a pot of East Indian chi, complete with ghee, honey, and cream. The pot would never run out, like the Undry Cauldron of my grandfather (Eochaid Ollathair). We often came here to hold pointless philosophical discussions for Stefan's sake, being he still liked to be reassured on things he knew damned well; but at the same time, couldn't quite 'grok' in their entirety. Neither I nor Thanatos minded. At times we found it entertaining, for Stefan could occassionally be quite amusing with his proverbial one-liners.

"I can't believe how stupid I was, or how pissed I still am at Chaos, Source, Whatever." said Stefan

"Dude! How many times have we been over this?" I asked.

"I lost count after 5,000, but I can't believe something as crass as the Physical Realm could have been invented; and I can't believe how many lives I asked to live. I'd like to take a flame thrower to my past selves for being so brainless."

"Hey!" I objected. "Even I lived as a mortal."

"Thrice!" said Stefan. "Me, on the other hand; had to live a few hundred lives before I got life out of my system. And you know something Donn? I'm not sure I'd be through with it now if you hadn't met me that time I tried to kill myself."

"Oh, I'm sure you would have. All you did during your last life was bitch about what a bitch life was." I had a sip of that delicious chi.

"Well, with the animal abuse, environmental abuse and general inequalities of everyone and everything, how can I not? And why the fuck did Source not make the genders more equitable in physical stature and power?"

Thanatos said, "I don't think the population would have gotten much more than a half a billion if that were the case, and the eras would have had to have been a hell of a lot longer for all those idiots, as you call them; addicted to 'The Fall' to get over it."

'The Fall', as Thanatos had called it, was the voluntary coming to the Physical Realm of the more curious particles of Source which took the form of everything Physical that was. Plants, animals, gases, rocks. . .everything. That same everything was sentient to a degree. All that existed was made of the same thing, though some things vibrated at slower rates than others; and were incorrectly deemed soulless by humanity.

This was not so. All was composed of atoms, and though things were put together differently; everything was equally part of The Source, equally 'alive', and equally aware. There were cultures cognisant of this, including mine. The Tuatha de Dannan. The Jains are another. Not only do the true followers of the Jain religion not harm animals, but they don't harm plants; either. If a fruit fell from a tree, one may eat it; but one may not pluck the fruit from the tree, nor uproot a carrot, nor risk causing pain to a plant in any way.

Of course the Tuatha were not necessarily so highly concerned about inconveniencing the life forms they considered edible, or otherwise. I personally stopped eating meat in my days on Earth, but vegetarianism was not the general Tuatha way. If something tasted good, it was eaten with gusto. The Tuatha were generally a hedonistic, sensualistic tribe. The hell with causing pain on Earth. Pain happened. The pain free way was for the Afterlife. All of existence was a party, and nothing was going to stop your typical Tuatha lad or lady from enjoying anything and everything to the hilt; though the 'to be eaten' animals were well treated before slaughter, and the slaughter was done as quickly and humanely as possible; which was a somewhat redeeming trait in my opinion.

Though the Tuatha knew everything equal, it was hard to tell by our actions. We didn't treat everything equally. We treated some animals better than others; especially the horses. They were highly valued, and it showed. We were also rather charitable, and if a stranger came to the door, they would most likely be fed. When we had a town party, those who had more; provided more.

We were also a fiery lot. We fought each other, we killed each other over insipid insults, yet we knew death was not an end; but a passage to somewhere else where we may be reborn if we so chose. We didn't take it too hard, generally.

On the other hand, being killed was the only way for my kind to 'die'. We were naturally immortal, a magical lot, and stopped aging when we hit our prime; or when we chose. Most of us were eventually killed in a fight, but that was par for the course. I wasn't one of them. I just faded from the Physical Realm into the Low Etheric into my job as a 'Gate Keeper' because I knew how to do it. I was personally repulsed by violence, but that was just me. I was an odd one, here.

"Half a billion," said Stefan. "That's the ideal number on the Georgia Guidestones. The world would have been much closer to paradise if what was on those stones could have been the way life was, but so many condemned the message."

"Considering there were so many people over that half billion when they were erected, you could understand that. . .if only you weren't such a misanthrope," said Thanatos.

Stefan raised his teacup in a salute to Thanatos. "From what all I know and remember, how can I not be one; despite the fact all that was no longer has an effect on my existence."

"Other than clinging to your memories like a barnacle to a shipwreck." said Thanatos.

After emptying his cup, Stefan said, "You two are so different from me."

I said, "Makes for interesting times, no?"

"Donn, you coerced me into ghostwriting your autobiography; I have read it so many times, and I just can't see why something like you would put so much interest in a mortal."

"Can I make a confession to you?" I asked.

"Sure."

"It was your nose. I fell in love with your glorious nose."

"I knew it! So why don't you pet it more?"

I looked down, and shook my head. "Stefan, get off of it. You know the truth. Pragmatism pays no role in love. Granted, you drove me absolutely nuts sometimes; as I drove you to distraction as well, but what about you and Percy? How much did you unconditionally give of yourself to that cat, though I'm glad you did?"

"Cats are gods. And do you know how many times he got me to work on time when I forgot to set my alarm?"

I chuckled. "Dude! He had an alterior motive. You were late with his food, but you two always did have one of the most cool interspecies relationships possible. Not much different from me and Hesper."

"Hesper is a divine pony." said Stefan. "There's nothing like him."

Hesper! The present to me from Thanatos. Conjured, not born. One of my best friends in eternity. The golden palomino beauty beyond perfection. My source of sanity in my later years on Earth.

Thanatos said, "And Percy is a divine cat. He's virtually made himself into a deity with your encouragement."

"I think the mental merging of that cat and our dear Andre had more to do with that that I." said Stefan.

(Andre was adopted by us, and if you read my autobiography; you can find out about him. He is quite a gentleman of French, Sudanese and Navajo ancestry. He will be with us forever, along with his wife; Tonya.)

Thanatos said, "Percy became a full time shapeshifter because of Andre. He's fancied himself a god while he still lived on Earth from the way you spoiled him and managed to communicate with him. He truly was the head of household. It was more than you just joking about it."

Stefan shrugged. "Well, it did get to the point where he used to bite me when I didn't give him what he wanted. Glad he doesn't do that now."

I chuckled. "With those sabre fangs? So am I. That would get messy."

"Not that Percy ever bit me very hard. Just enough to let me know he wasn't happy with his underperforming slave." said Stefan. "I wish all people would recognise the intelligence and personal sovereignty of all animals."

"Huh! They don't even recognise the personal sovereignty of each other." said Thanatos.

"Tell me about it," said Stefan. "Ego strikes again, huh?"

"Aye." I said. "I've had enough of a problem myself with ego.

"So have I," said Thanatos. "Remember what happened before I realised who I really was, and then right after I found out?"

"Hm hm."

Thanatos added, "So we are all the same. We came from the same place, and we're going to end up in that same place after we are done doing what we are doing before we get there. Just because some of us have separated further from Source than others doesn't make them any lesser. In fact, perhaps it makes them a bit braver."

Stefan smiled. "There's a fine line between bravery and stupidity."

"Why was I expecting you to say that?" I asked.

"Because you know me better than I know myself."

"No I don't," I said. "I just have a more detached perspective."

"My revulsion of the Physical Realm. I can't understand myself on why I was so drawn to it for so long. I can't stand the concept of polarity or duality. For me, it's Utopia and perfection; or bust. I have no clue on why I'm like that," said Stefan.

"Now I have a confession to make," said Thanatos. "Neither do I."

"I thought you knew everything," said Stefan.

"Except that, and why they call 'em tailors when they don't install tails."

Stefan chuckled. "Cut me off at the pass, huh?"

Thanatos stood up, reached over, and petted Stefan's nose. "Yeah! No need to go into that pointless conversation again."

"But being telepaths, aren't all our conversations pointless, and just force of habit?" asked Stefan.

"Couldn't have said it better myself," said Thanatos.

The rains started coming down harder, and a lightshow was appearing in the West. "It's going to get hard to hear each other pretty soon, from the looks of it," I said.

"So we have three options," said Thanatos. "Go to the Akashic Library and find out why Stefan is so unaccepting about polarity and all, switch to nonverbal communication, or shut the fuck up as we enjoy a couple more gallons of this delicious tea with no despotic bladders to hold us hostage for service."

"But if we go to the Akashic Library and discover why I'm so unaccepting of polarity and all, then we couldn't continue to have all these pointless conversations rehashing the same thing over and over again in different ways; and we couldn't have that, could we?" asked Stefan.

"Oh, of course not," I said.

"Do I materialise a Bataca or a rolled up newspaper to swat you both with for that?" asked Thanatos.

Stefan stood up. "First you have to catch us!"

I was right behind him. "Yeah!"

Me and Stefan took off as fast as we could, leaving our half empty cups and eternal teapot behind.

Thanatos cleaned up by dematerialising everything, and he went after us.

Of course, with Thanatos being a taller and faster runner; me and Stef lost the game of tag, but no; we didn't get swatted with newspaper or Bataca.

Some Gatekeepers just wanna have fun.

It's on the top of the last page. . .for later viewers.

http://failblog.org/2008/10/13/license-plate-fail-2/#comments

Gods, there's more than one of me!!!!!!

Gods, I've seen enough videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7U22m9xLrQ&eurl=http://www.prisonplanet....

A 9/11 satire that isn't all that funny, but. . .

http://www.opednews.com/articles/Hog-hell-Investigators-un-by-By-Dan-Pad...

It's hell being a factory farmed hog. This is inexcusable. I still eat chickens though, and they're treated the worst of all. I generally have my chicken at an Indian restaurant, and I have to verify; but they're probably Halal. Ritually killed in a better way than the commercial slaughterhouses.

Nozzle Rage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on1xPlV-rhs
Absolute gut-buster

Gods, is this fer real; like? (Obnoxious racial epithet repeated at the end. I swear it makes you think 'Deliverance' was a documentary.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaxECcTjCuw

THIS IS ONLY A TEST. IF THIS WERE A REAL EMERGENCY, YOU WOULD NOT BE SEEING THIS, BECAUSE YOUR POWER WOULD BE OUT.

Remeber those emergency broadcast system thingies? I think my way is more realistic. Being we have no TV connected, we have no idea if they are still doing those. Are they?