Noting like progress today. But I'm there as a friend for her. Watching her boyfriend hurt her is killing me. Today, right in front of all our friends, he was sitting with another girl in his lap. You should have seen MM's face. I actually left and cried. I felt like D was cheating on me and not my close friend. It's terrible, getting tangled into emotions. Without friends, I can block it all out and nothing hurts. Except the loneliness. Either way hurts me a lot. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Seeing someone sad can ruin my day.
Today. Walking to class. Alone with MM (as alone as you get with 400 people milling around, but no one could really listen to us talking).
I'm saying, "I'm going to go insane. No one loves me it's gonna kill me."
She says, "I hope it doesn't kill you. You need a relationship. Someone loves you."
I say, "Yeah... somewehere, somebody loves me..."
At this point I'm between her and a wall. She's the only person beside me and she says, "Technically the person beside you..."
She wants me
She needs me
She loves me
She just doesn't know it yet
I know one day
She'll look my way
She'll smile and stay
She just doesn't know it yet
So close but so far
She's right beside me, I could touch her if I wanted to
(and oh how I want to)
But at the same time she's miles away, unattainable
(I hate him because he's hers)
I'd do anything for her, for us
Anything to make us, Us
(but I don't know what I could do)
There's nothing I can do, it's up to her
(all I can do is wait)
Wait to love, wait to lose, wait for a solution that may never come
(Guess this wasn't made clear before. MM knows I gay and I know she's bi... should've mentioned that...)
And now for the next installment of my oh-so-dull and at the same time oh-so-unpredictable LIFE.
So this morning, I rush into the school and MM doesn't see me without my makeup this time. Thankgod lol. Today I was dressed to impress. Her that is. Instead of my usual girly-girl-trying-to-be-less-girly style, I was wearing black cargos, a too-small black tee over a white turtleneck, a black butterfly necklace, and a pink beaded necklace that kept disappearing between my hair and my collar. This may sound weird to some (or many) of you, but in my school it's hot in a normal, everday kind of way. I get my makeup done in the girls bathroom, black eyeliner and pink eyeshadow with a touch of lipgloss (I'm in the mood for details today ok? lol) and then go out into the hall. Almost immediately I see MM and all her friends. And, dun dun DUN, Her Boyfriend. :( I went over anyway, and she seemed ALMOST glad to see me. Killed that by showing me the roses Her Boyfriend had given her though. (And I shall mention here that I did not recieve a single Valentine all day, and no one said "Happy Valentines Day" to me unless I said it first...)
Someone said "keep us posted". Are you READY for this? Omg.
For the weak of heart, hows the summary: Single in time for Valentines, out and proud and certain.
For those of you who actually care to hear the whole thing (and theres prolly more than I think):
This morning, just got off the bus, heading into the school. In a hurry because I didn't have time to apply makeup before school - have to put on my face before too many people see me! So usually in the morning, I hang with MM and her friends, feeling unwanted. So today when I was hurrying by, she made eyecontact and looked almost sad when she saw I wasn't coming over. I just waved and gave my best I-know-I'm-ugly-now-don't-laugh-at-me smile, and she smiled back, I guess it might've been a this-is-different-please-come-over smile or something.
"The thing that I miss most is missing you."
Maybe getting back with The Boyfriend wasn't such a good idea. I was just getting used to being single and the worst thing that had really happened was finding out MM has a boyfriend, the day I was going to tell her I've got feelings for her. Ironic huh. Oh and another thing was MP finding out I've got feelings for her too. Maybe a word for me is "infatuous" because I fall in and out of "love" about as often as I change my jeans. I only ever tell people about the crushes that last longer than a month so I rarely tell people, but I do seem to have feelings for a new and exciting person every day. Jeez.
"How uncomfortable does this make you?"
His hand, so close to my center, resting on my thigh
I embrace the touch, a contact with life
But what emotion is there?
He tests me often
Perhaps trying to "fix" me,
Or does he want me to...
"Scale of 1 to 10..."
Another day, another touch
Makes me question everything, everything
One thing is clear to me
You are all is dear to me
I've false hopes that wishing for thee
Will nearer you, my love, to me
~Written about a guy, coming true now about a girl. Funny how my poetry stays fitting for me forever.~
Dawn: The clouds are crying
Noon: Affections dying
Dusk: Forgiveness beginning
Eve: Tenderness winning
Night: (Scream our names and-) All is well
~Well I'm not sure what I was feeling when I originally wrote this, but it really fits how I've felt the last few weeks.~
Well I just joined this site. I don't particularly like palm trees, I mean they're pretty, but I couldn't think of a username and I was looking at the Oasismag logo while I tried to think of one.
So anyway. Me. I have a lot to say. I just need to get it out.
Well, I realised I was a bi about three years ago (wow that long already?!). I just came out in December, 2005. I dropped a few hints and then came right out and said it. Just so it might not be too much of a shock. It worked, they all accept me still. I guess it helps that I have kooky friends, they are great people who accept everything. We're that group in every school that looks like we were half-way to going goth and then just stopped and became a nameless group that fits several stereotypes. Anyway I'm starting to ramble.