Have any of you seen the movie But I'm A Cheerleader?

It's about a cheerleader, with a boyfriend, whose parents decide she's gay. They send her to a "correction facility" and she falls in love with a girl while she's there.

I absolutely love this movie, and I'm currently listening to the soundtrack so I had to promote it. Yay!

Her eyes told me it may never be
As her lips closed my sentence
Saying he wasn't going to be there for her
My heart trips and falls as my ears think about this
'I would be there for you'
The voice dies in my throat -
now is not the time
Her tears are in my eyes
I cry for her
She doesn't understand, thinks she's done wrong
I feel my world evaporate
My fingers wish for her, to comfort her
The pain consumes, overwhelms
And then the bell screams at us -
time together is over
So on to the next room of the jail
And I wonder if she understands yet

There have been a few changes since I last posted, maybe two weeks ago I guess. For one my grandfather died of lung cancer. I bought some good books. I drew a pretty picture. And MM no longer sitd behind me. Now she sits right beside me, with no one on her other side and no one on my other side. Not directly anyway.

Today in class we were passing notes. Well actually it was an entire spiral notebook. Not talking about anything relevant but on the last thing she wrote. Her arm was touching my arm a little, her head must have been six inches from my shoulder, and I could barely breath thinking about it all.

So I'm thinking her and The Boyfriend might not last much longer. They barely even *spoke* today. But they haven't had a fight or anything. They're just... like that...

Oh and one last thing. I wear two pins on my bookbag. One says "Closets Are For Clothes" and the other says "GIRLS WILL DO GIRLS". I've been wearing them since we first got back from March break - this is week 3 back - and only one person has noticed and said anything. Phoo.

Mirror Mirror,
Today I'm happy
Can you see me smiling?
Summer's glow and friendship keep me so

Mirror Mirror,
Today I'm in love
Can you see it in my eyes?
October windswept hair framing inner brilliance

Mirror Mirror,
Today I've had my first kiss
Can you see a difference in me?
November chill won't reach me

Mirror Mirror,
Something is missing
Can you see it on my face?
Happy Birthday and where have my friends gone?

Mirror Mirror,
Solitary January
Can you see the tears reflecting it?
I don't know what I've done

Mirror Mirror,
I'm in love again, differently
Can you see how I've changed?
The month of romance, renewed, relost, refound

Mirror Mirror,
March has crept up and I'm exhausted
Can you see my colours fade?
Lost... lost... lost...

OK, currently today is fuzzly wuzzly. I'll try and piece together what I can.

Well this morning, MM and I didn't talk much, there was like forty billion (translation: eight) people between us.

Homeroom I was fuming because ex-bestfriend ignored me again. Why won't she just accept my ****ing apologies?!?! I've been apologizing for three weeks now and - calm. Deep breath. I'm done. Not the place or time. Anyway I was really ticked. But through my anger and hurt I did notice that MM was sitting closer than usual; our shoulders touched a bit. Maybe I just didn't give her as much room as always? She could've asked me to move, jokingly pushed me, sat on my other side......

Hug before science. My heart is wanting her, she's kinda leading me on by not telling me to wake up and smell her boyfriend.

Lunch. Wow. Her Boyfriend nowhere in sight, she was leaning against a wall while we were talking to our friends. I was beside her and I put my hand against the wall like I was resting it there, so when she laughed (which was often) her shoulder touched my hand. This standing arrangement lasted a wonderful 5 minutes but still. It happened.

LA. Best part of my day by a long shot. We're in the same group for a project on that novel The Outsiders. Our group is like, finished. So we spent the time talking to our other friend K. Most of the wonderful conversation has been lost in the blur of the rest of the day but I remember this -

K bragging about guys she's kissed and stuff. I'm saying I'm jealous, and would you please shut up before I have a breakdown? And MM says she'd teach me what I need to know. "Just come over here" Our chairs were maybe a foot and a half apart. I start to jokingly scoot over but then stop, "Ah, I'm too lazy." She leaned casually back in her chair, looking gorgeous in the way only she can. "I'm too lazy, too." We laughed. "So we're both too lazy. Guess it's not gonna happen then." I pretended to be pretending to be disappointed. "When we actually have to move... when the bell rings... then we will." "Alright then!" Laughed laughed, laughed. We were joking though. It didn't happen. *sigh*

I remember the hallway, both of us pretending to complain because K (straight) wouldn't let us grab her boobs. But I don't remember when we were talking about it in class. Meh.

Then the rest of the day, absolutely all of it, is pashewey-kerfluffle in my brain. Something must've been on that video I'm told we watched in Social Studies that disturbed me. It was about India. What could be a disturbing and graphic image about India? Meh. Maybe its also due to me being tired.

Or maybe it's hard for me to think because as I type this I'm talking to her on MSN. Yes that's right. She's on my MSN now! XD yay!

No one seems to have seen friday's entry. It was huge. http://www.oasismag.com/node/view/17983

Today, MM was fairly caught up in her own goings on. She was happy to know I'm OK and wasn't brutally beaten to death over the weekend.

When I hugged her before the first class, she said "I was waiting for you to do that." I walked into three desks on my way to my seat after that. Good thing she's in none of my classes.

Lunch I wan't near her. My god was I ever worried in LA. She skipped class, all afternoon which is 4th and 5th periods (hate that word) and I was so worried. The last thing she supposedly said before leaving was "I'm just depressed, I'll leave it there. I'm not coming back." I was worried she would kill herself, I really was. I just wish she could tell me whats wrong.

Afterschool I got a *vague* idea of what the problem *might* be.

An entry or two back, this might have been Friday's actually, I mentioned Her Boyfriend and J were talking about liking more than one girl. I assumed they meant J (single) does. But today when MM was leaving, after everyone had hugged her (including me), she said "D... D, I'm leaving..." And he was ignoring her or not hearing her or something. Finally people brought his attention to where it already should've been. I braced myself to watch them hug and or kiss, which would tear me apart. But he just waved and went back to talking to whoever he had been talking to before. They were talking about food. That tore me apart worse.

And thinking back, I realised they hadn't been talking much today. Like this morning, he chose to be with the people I was talking to instead of MM and her two friends. And at lunch he was talking to the H sisters and J and me, while MM was just sitting there looking sad. I would've tried to comfort her about whatever was wrong but I was laughing at "bonier" and "the hallway is covered in balls" and other things that could be interpreted as a part of the male anatomy. I couldn't've been serious and knew I'd make it worse.

Anyone have any ways to tell if a guy likes someone other than his girlfriend? It's almost definitely one of the mutual friends, someone I know too. I just have a feeling about that.

I just read Book_Freak's latest post thing, http://www.oasismag.com/node/view/18012 about homophobes in her town.

I never even thought of it before but actually stuff like that has happened in my school too. Not within my group of friends, copmletely not. But it has.

For instance, in my science class at somepoint last week (or last month, or yesterday, I've no idea it's all too much in my brain) we were learning about pure substances and composites (we learned this in french, I've no idea how to translate, this will be rough). My teacher said something to the effect of "Homogenic mixtures, like homosexuals, girls that like girls or boys that like boys, and heterogenic mixes, like heterosexuals, normal people" And the entire class, minus me and the two people in the room that knew about me, started LAUGHING. That's just sick. "Normal". Try "Majority" or something but not NORMAL. I don't see it as a normal/not-normal thing.

And the next day (next month, next week, later that day... again. Braindead here.) in math, the girl beside me turns to me and starts talking about her gym teacher last year. "She was such a, like, DYKE, wasn't she, A?" Dragging the girl behind us into it. A always seemed nice, but she was all enthusiastic - "YES! Always, like, staring at our chests and stuff, like what a DYKE" They kept putting emphasis on the word. Like it made the teacher into filth or something. Sickening.

And last year, my class then was always making fun of Mr C just because we was a little... er... feminine? Not in manner or dress or anything at all, he just talked in that stereotypical way that people seem to associate with gay men. Always making fun of him, just because he talked like that, not because they'd ever had any proof that he was gay. In fact he'd even been seen hitting on some *female* teachers. But they were all, calling him pansy and shit like that.

Thinking about all this is actually making me feel sick. Or maybe I just ate too much raw cookie dough.

On the first night
There are tears of regret, of longing, of fear for the next day

On the second night
There are tears from the memories, bittersweet reading about her first kiss

On the third night
Eyes are dry. Feeling is lost. There is no happiness and so there must be sorrow, that only makes sense

On the fourth night
She smiles thinking of her friends, more specifically her best and their arms around each other

On the fifth night
She dries her eyes for the last time about him and embraces the thought of her

On the sixth night
He ignored her in the hall this day and now she's laughing about it, "awesome friends" her ass

On the seventh night
Sleeping peacefully and dream of past, present, future. He is past. She is present, future, and forever. If only she'll accept that role.

(I missed Thursday's entry and whatever happened then is completely forgotten because Friday was huge!)

I woke up late in the morning. I mean, I *always* wake up late but this was even later than usual. I leave my room at the time I'm supposed to be leaving my house and my dad is there waiting for me. I'm standing at the top of the stairs and he's behind me. He grabbed my shoulders and starting shaking me. "Do you need help getting downstairs?!" he was yelling. I really thought he was going to throw me down the stairs. I would've died if he had. I would be dead and gone and for the worst reason. I was so terrified I was crying. I don't really remember how I left the house, but it was without eating, without brushing my hair or teeth, without tying my shoes. I somehow caught the bus to school. I went to be alone, far away from my friends. I didn't want any of them to see me cry but the first person who came up and asked what was wrong I broke down sobbing into her shoulder. We've been friends since elementary school and I've never ever done that. She was shocked.

Then AS (he's not an ass anymore but it's stuck) came over but I didn't tell him what was wrong. Then I was alone. I was sitting on my bookbag leaning against the brick wall of my school. Out of the corner of my eye I saw MM coming in my direction. I was glad to see her. If I could just talk to her alone for a few minutes I'd be okay for the rest of the day. Screw that.

Seven other people came too.
At least they all cared. They were all concerned. Someone said "child abuse" and I thought, is this what my life has come to? A victim of child abuse? Surely not. Surely I'll wake up in a few mintes to my alarm clock screaming at me, loud and annoying as ever... But I didn't.

The rest of the day was a blur until after school when K brought me out of it. Let's see... I remember MM talking to me while we hugged, "It'll be okay". She talked to me before gym too, even though it was out of the way of where she needed to go. I lost my favorite necklace. My MP3 player ran out of batteries in math. I had chips at lunch. I got a 98% on a test in LA that I don't remember taking. MM hugged me before the last class, "I'll make sure you're okay, you'll be fine." I think I played tic tac toe with the girl beside me in social studies.

Then after school. I was spaced out, leaning against a window. I was with my friends but I wasn't *with* them. I have no idea what I was thinking about or if I was even thinking at all. Suddenly someone's arms were around me and they kissed me on the cheek before disappearing inside. It was K. She didn't know what was wrong. Maybe she was deciding to finally be friendly, maybe she could see I needed that. I've no idea. I didn't even look to see if MM had noticed. I might have smiled a little. The rest of the twenty minutes before my bus got there is fairly vivid in my memory, compared to the fuzz that represents the rest of the day. J came and talked to me. He's pretty nice. K came and hugged me again, for a long time. MM and I were having a conversation with our eyes. I was confused but happier and she was happy that I was happy. Then J pretended to hump K from behind and she let go of me.

MM was leaving. She gave me a hug and said "I know you'll be okay." Suddenly it was a giant group hug. Someone was touching my butt. "Who's hand is that?" No one 'fessed up. "No really, who's hand is that?" It was K, I found out a minute later.

MM offered to give me a number, if I needed to talk to her. I didn't accept. I would feel obligated to call but at the same time I wouldn't've wanted to bug her, especially since I knew my family would pretend that morning hadn't happened. I was right with that by the way. Then she was gone and I have to wait until Monday to see her and reassure her I'm okay.

Then a bunch of other people left. It was just J, S, K, and MM's Boyfriend (for the rest of this he'll be D because it's a helluvalot shorter). K pinched my butt. D and Josh were deep in conversation, something about liking more than one girl so I didn't join in. After all, I only want one girl. I wouldn't fit in that conversation.

S and I were talking about someone kissing me, I think her name is C (my version of her name anywho), and how I'd like it. It wasn't a serious conversation. S kissed me on the cheek at the end of it. K pinched my butt again.

My hands were cold and they were in my coat. D said "Hey, M" (talking to me) and S said "No no no. It's babe, honey, or beautiful." And D said, "In that case, hey beautiful. Your hands. You're doing a jedi thing." And J starts laughing "How do you do that?!" And I'm like, "My hands are cold. What else would I do?"

So they all start trying to imitate me. But my hands are small and my coat is big and I was the only one that could comfortably acheive the Jedi Hand Warmer.

Then my bus got there. So I left. Went home. Damn was I scared to walk through that door. But it was as though it was an ordinary day. As though nothing emotionally scarring had happened before I left that morning. As though I wasn't there. Just like always.

So homeroom during the National Anthem. There is a ridge under the whiteboard behind me to hold up markers and it was digging into my back as MM and I did our regular rebelling-against-the-anthem-and-slouching thing. MM slid over so I could stand beside her against the wall. "Look I've got an armrest!" I said putting one arm against the whiteboard ridge thing. "No fair!" she smiled. "Well here..." I put my left arm up so she could use it as her own armrest. My left, her right. Her pnky was touching my thumb. I just stared at our hands. Shivery.

Then on the way to class I was talking about my toddler-related injury and how it hurt my lip to talk. "Maybe if I shut up it won't hurt anymore." She smiled and said, "And if I don't want you to shut up?" I grinned. "Then I won't." And I winced in pain.

Then she asked about my second period class and when I told her it was gym, she said "So it's downstairs, no wonder I never see you..." So she looks for me? Or she just observed we've never seen each other between those classes?

And then we stopped in front of my science class. Hug time, if we want to. I did. She did. We didn't move. There was a weird feeling between us. I was reminded of dozens of times when The Ex and I were about to kiss. We were about a foot away from each other, looking into each other's eyes. I was getting nervous, but not noticeably. MM adjusted the way she was holding her binder and said, "I'm ready," and held out an arm, inviting The Hug. I love our hugs. "You don't want to let go, do you?" It wasn't really a question, she knew. "No I don't." But I did anyway. "See you at lunch."

Nothing too eventful happened at lunch and I want to save space for The Happenings afterschool. Well, quickly I'll say: K was all over D again, but MM wasn't too bothered. I was keeping her laughing. We made pictures out of pistachio nut shells. "What are you two doing?" "Playing with your old nuts."

Then in LA I was absent-mindedly pinging myself with two rubber bands I wear on my wrist. She put her hand gently on my arm to stop me. "Don't do that." Twenty minutes later I was back at it. She did the same, but instead of saying "Don't do that" she said "It hurts me too" and took the rubber bands away from me. "I've confiscated them till the end of class" she said and put them on her wrist. "Don't do it to yourself either" I smiled but I was serious. She knew it. At the end of class, she slid the elastics onto her fingers so I could get them myself. Sneaky sneaky I had to touch her hand. Shivery again.

Afterschool. OMG. First off S couldn't keep her hands off me. Then there was this nasty rotten egg smell, the kind you expect to be a fart but this was too massive to be a fart. MM was laughing so hard she couldn't stand and I got to hold her hand in an attempt to pull her up and rescue her from The Stench. Lmao.

Then she left and another great hug. "You have to let go." She said near my ear. "You're the one holding me" I laughed.

AND THEN THERE WAS THIS.

I was telling S how my lip is sore. She said she'd kiss it better, but then she'd be Kissing me (she said it so that I imagined a capital, lol). I said "Of course, cuase no one wants to do that." And she said "Aww..." And she turned her face so that she would kiss the air beside my head and I would do the same. But I had other plans. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. Right in front of everyone.

No one really cared but this was huge to me.

I think S and I are flirting with each other. What would you say? Her hand was on my butt nearly all the time we were together. She hugs me all the time. We act like more than friends and joke about being that.

This morning my bus was late. I came late to homeroom and the girl who sits beside me (so the order goes MM me her) was with me. When we came in I said "Miss me?" And MM was all "Yes, I'm so glad you came, I think my heart just stopped!" and the other girl was like "What's she doing?" And I said "Pretending she's happy to see us." And then MM turns to the other girl, looks her full in the face and says "I'm only pretending for you." Then she burst out laughing. Mine was split-second delayed because she basically said she was genuinely glad to see me.

Then a few minutes later she said something that basically meant she was hiding something under her glove (our school barely has a dress code, you could wear gloves scarf coat and a clown nose all day and no one would stop you) and that I could see it if I wanted to. Scary, scary. "Are you sure?" She nodded. This was one of our serious times. I gently and slowly pulled up her glove and was barely surprised when I saw the scar, but I didn't register the shape of it. A five pointed star - exactly like the ones she pointed out that I'd drawn all over my binder. So it could represent me. Or be a coincidence. But I don't think it's too coincidental. "Don't do this to yourself." I told her straight up. She might as well have slapped me, showing me that hurt me so much because I can't stand the thought of her going through that.

I asked if there was anything I could do and she said "Just be there for me." I said, "I will. I'll be here everyday, except of course Saturdays and Sundays, I hope neither of us is ever here then." A smile and laugh. I cheered her up a little. I felt warm inside. A hug before class, just like yesterday's - close and snuggly, solidly there. Did I even go to class after that? No clue. I expect I did though. I seem to have today's notes anyhow (bordered by little "M"s in hearts).

Lunch time. I ate something, she seemed glad to see that. She was lying down trying to sleep. I'm not sure exactly how it happened but suddenly the rest of our friends were gone and I was beside her, leaning against my bookbag and a locker. I would've been closer to her but her coat and someone's bookbag were sprawled between us. We were still fairly close. I dunno how, but somehow I made her laugh and ended up owing her 25 cents. Then people (namely, Her Boyfriend and his friend) came back and she went quiet again. Is it his presence that does that to her? Reminds her of whatever's been bugging her lately? Ah yes of course. When K was all over him on Friday. That would bug me too. Then the bell rang and I was *literally* carried off to class by S (she'll most likely be showing up in more entries now).

Class together. Meh. Didn't talk much. MM was drawing a picture of The Star again. I looked at my binder. Identical ones littered it. Coincidence? No idea. She had just noticed them yesterday. She could've been planning on cutting one into her palm for a long time.

So after school I gave her her quarter. S picked me up and threw me to AS (if you've been reading these you remember I said to pronounce it "ass" cause he is one) and they played the scariest game of catch I've ever been involved in. Really fun, but I was in extreme danger of falling and dying on the concrete, lol.

S and I were pretending to fool around, hugging and more. Talking about doing it. Just to make each other, ourselves, and our freakish perverted friends laugh. It was hilarious made me wish some of it actually meant something *sighs*

No hug from MM before she left. Hoping that's not significant, maybe she just didn't see me (I was after all, between S and a brick wall right then).

Next installment of My Life The Fanfic, tomorrow or Thursday. Will MM stay with D even with K interfering? Will S take things too far? Will someone drop me on my head and kill me? Stay tuned!

Wow. Oh, wow. Oh wow-o-wow-o-wow! OK. Guess I should tell you why I'm so insanely happy.

Well, in LA, the clss MM sits behind me. Something touched my back. Now most people would have assumed it was the end of a pencil slipping off MM's binder behind me, but I got shivers and knew instantly it was Her. She traced a little star, identical to the ones covering my binder, twice onto the back of my shoulder. Major inner-fluttery action there lmao

Then about ten minutes later I was writing what I was thinking - Jealous of MM's boyfriend, she cares about him, she should care about ME, blah blah blah... I held it up to examine my finished rant and she tapped me on the shoulder - "What's that?" "Nothing." Casual. I folded it and shoved it in my binder. "It had my name on it, I really want to see it." Three minutes of "Are you sure?" "Yes I'm sure!" later, I caved and let her read it. Triple-heart-attack moment brought to you by confessing feelings for a crush.

She laughed a bit at the beginning, where I'd been dissing the teacher. Then her smile faltered, (I assume she was reading "Thinking of MM makes me sad"), then her face was serious (this would've been me saying I hated seeing her sad). Then, no doubt reading the jealousy part, she murmered "Oh, honey" several times in a low voice that only I heard. I've gotten used to listening carefully to her after about 6 months of giggling and joking during the National Anthem in homeroom. Before we could really say anything about it, it was REALLY time to go. The next class was coming in. "We're being overrun!" "Retreat! Men, retreat!" "They've got us outnumbered!" We're always joking around.

After school, she passed me a note. I read it, smiled slightly, and pocketed it. I didn't really say much to her after that. I was busy laughing at people and learning the definition of a mosh pit and laughing at people more and sneaking glances at Her Boyfriend (plotting his demise), and laughing at people because they fell down, and being picked up because I'm tiny, and ... You get the point. General friendly chaos.

Then she was leaving. She gave someone a hug and I didn't even realise I was watching but I was watching. Then she was giving me a Look, I can't describe it, maybe imploring? Taunting? Not sure. It's planted in my brain, I know what it meant, but I dunno the words for it. "What?" I asked, faking stupidity (I'm good at that. I don't like showing I'm smart or perceptive. I'd rather be dumb and invisible. Odd choice I know). She raised her arms a little (heart, melt, danger!) and said "You know you want to." Still that smirky friendly expression thing going on. I tried not to seem too into the idea. She knew, but no one else did or could. So I walk over (a little faster than I would've were she anyone else) and put my arms around her.

Music! Bells! Alarms! SIRENS! Eek!! :D

I was about to pull away, thinking, this is a friendly thing and should probably be over now. But she had other plans. She pulled me closer and nuzzled her head into my shoulder. At this point I know I was grinning like an idiot. Just hope Her Boyfriend didn't notice. Then it was over. Were I alone, I would've been skipping and laughing and spinning and giggling. But I wasn't so I didn't. Stayed calm and smiled faintly.

As I walked home, I re-read the note, outloud. "I'm in BBT right now *heehee* and I can get in deep shit if I'm writing a not. Well not really but still. I do care about you babe. I was actually happy that you ate something today. [she means lunch] Oh god I almost got in shit... *sigh of relief* good he's gone. Stop being so jealous lol! Alot of people are jealous I don't need another one... thanks for letting me read your thing in L.A. is that what you do all the time? Well I have to go have fun with my computer" and a sarcastic smiley face.

I read part of it out loud about seventeen times before it REALLY made sense. "I do care about you babe"! So she may not feel as strongly for me as I do her, but she does care. Skippity woo hoo! Someday, someday...

She spreads her wings and flies
Her secret no longer an anchor
She laughs out loud because she can fly
But soon she's crying because she's alone.
She can't go back down,
Same as she can't turn back time
If she landed, she would crash
She sees others higher than she
More free than herself
And longs to join them
Carefree and gay
Proud
But she is new at this
She cannot fly as high as they
Her tears land
Where lie the ones she left behind
And they cannot reach her
Cannot save her
She laughs because she can fly
And cries because she is alone

The music is screaming
So I'm screaming too
An outlet of my anger and hate
For what I don't know
Wish I did
But it consumes me
Every fibre of my being is angry, bitter
It's all I feel
Until the pang of loneliness catches up
I run away from it
But it's almost as fast as I
Take my hand, pull me away from it
Pull me away from all these emotions
Bring me to new ones
Happiness?
I accept.

This didn't really fit into my other post today, but last night I had the most wicked dream I have ever had.

I was a princess, dressed like Jasmine from Aladdin. Only in the most gorgeous metallic purple color. My hair was lo-o-ong and straight, just like I want it to be.
I had many female slaves, dressed exactly like me but in different colors. I did not want the slaves to be slaves so I set all the slaves free and three of them (dressed in blue, green, and orange, respectively) approached me and asked if they could have jobs anyway.
So I took the three of them and we ran off into the desert and set up a tent in a cool (as in cold) cave. It was so chilly we had to find our own ways to warm up. Then the dream got very hot, if you know what I mean ;) And since I was the princess, it was all about me :D