Well, my semester in DC is almost over. I will miss many aspects, but I need to get out of the city for a while, I have no money left, and I didn't have much to begin with (the joys of being a poor college student), and I've been beyond stressed by the damn bureaucracy and profs who have no clue. But I've met fab ppl.
I'm also pumped about the Democrats taking the majority in the House and Senate. It's been a zoo here for the last 3 months, and it will be getting even crazier in January, right before session begins in February.
As a 20-year old young woman, I am somehow supposed to retain idealism through constant reminders of how crappy things are by my professors. It's especially rough when your Economics class follows your sociology class, and you wonder who'e telling you the truth: Is it the Market, or greedy fat-cats making billions who just don't care and have turned their backs on the minorities of the world, proliferating injustice, and a heterosexist patriarchical society?
This is pathetic, but...APRIL FOOLS!!!
Well, it's spring in South Bend, which has been nice the last few days. Today I even got to lay out in the field and read with some friends. But now it's dark and windy, and I'm kind of bummed. But anyway,to my point...
I want a girlfriend, and not just some hook-up (as if I would do that anyway)but being here it's hard because all my friends who are "different", as we like to say, are bi and some have boyfriends, which is really depressing. There's really no one to meet around here, but I'd love to meet someone back home. Hopefully I can get in touch with youth organizations, and be able to talk openly about my feelings without feeling like I have to hold back things. It's incredibly frustrating to be in an environment that does not really foster any sort of open comraderie, everything's very clandestine, which I guess is understandable (and somewhat special) But this leads to a great deal of questioning of myself,and although I come back to the same conclusion every time, I still wonder things like "is my mom right?", "can I just be imagining I'm gay?", even going to "just because I don't want to have sex with a man, but with a woman, that doesn't make me lesbian, right?"
I am going to read this at a peace event at school in a couple weeks. I'd love comments.
Raise your hands, to God on High
Weapons drawn, shall prophecy
Lives lost in vain
Hallowed Be Thy Name
United States, lies without shame
I swear to you this day
Say Democracy's the name of the game
For false idealism,
Is W to blame?
Paul and Dick and Bertie, too
I'm so excited. My parents are coming for Sophomore Parent's Weekend at school. Yes, I'm a nerd, but I love my parents with all my heart. It HAS been over a month, and too much has happened in that span of time. They still haven't found a house in the Fresno/Clovis area yet, although that should change soon. I'm really pumped, but am nervous about the weekend. I'll be so happy to see them, and vice versa. But, I'm really scared that the same crap that always comes up will come up: if I'm ready for a semester in Washington DC, how I need to be more disciplined, and more and more things they (esp. my mother) will bring up. But, hey, as long as I can stay in the hotel with them for the weekend, it's all good! ;)
I'm at college, and if you looked at me, you would probably looking at someone who seems all together, smart, happy, and headed for the skies. And you're 95% correct. I do love school, and I have the most awesome friends in the world, seriously. And I hope that I will go great places, and meet great people, and find that special woman who means everything to me.
However, my mother seems to be totally oblivious to my feelings in a variety of areas, especially in regards to my sexual orientation. I first asked my mom about liking girls when I was a freshman in high school, because I had a painful crush on this girl who I was in choir with. She had told me she was bi, but her preference was toward guys. I was bummed and really didn't understand my feelings clearly enough. So, I talked to her, and she assured me that I was not a lesbian or bisexual, and that she would know if I was. The years passed and I went out with guys, but really had no feelings toward them at all. But whenever I would be near another girl I liked a lot, or thought was gorgeous and amazing, my heart would skip a million beats, and my belief in my assumption got stronger. I told my mom on the phone earlier this year that I liked women. My mom replied that I was not, that my "mind was being fucked" by a friend of mine, that I should cut off ties with her. Mom then told me that this had happened to her, and that I was just being manipulated. I then took that position for while, but at Christmas, I realized I really do feel the way I do, and that this is valid.