Well, my semester in DC is almost over. I will miss many aspects, but I need to get out of the city for a while, I have no money left, and I didn't have much to begin with (the joys of being a poor college student), and I've been beyond stressed by the damn bureaucracy and profs who have no clue. But I've met fab ppl.

I'm also pumped about the Democrats taking the majority in the House and Senate. It's been a zoo here for the last 3 months, and it will be getting even crazier in January, right before session begins in February.

Anyhoo, I haven't been on for a long time because my mom found out, and she doesn't believe me. As soon as I told her, she started taking me to Catholic Singles. Can I say AWKWARD! I spent most of the time trying not to get caught checking out some of the women there!!! It was awful. And so I've been pretty low-key about my sexuality lately.Only my cousin, who is also a lesbian, knows. I'm back on now because I feel much more confident about my sexuality and what it means. It doesn't have to control me, and I'm going to live my life and see what happens

BUT, there is good news....It turns a girl who I've had a crush on back at school admitted she has feelings for me, and I told her the extent of my feelings for her. It was fantastic, but nerve-racking. For the first time in my life, I'm going to be the experienced one. I never thought that would happen. She's never kissed anyone. I feel so much pressure, because my first kiss was hell on Earth (it was with a guy, so no wonder!), to not screw up. I want this to work so bad, and even though we're going to go slow, it's still going to be odd because I'm also actually getting what I want.

So yeah, that's what's been going on in my life. I am always looking for advice, so anything is helpful.

Thanks,

MC

As a 20-year old young woman, I am somehow supposed to retain idealism through constant reminders of how crappy things are by my professors. It's especially rough when your Economics class follows your sociology class, and you wonder who'e telling you the truth: Is it the Market, or greedy fat-cats making billions who just don't care and have turned their backs on the minorities of the world, proliferating injustice, and a heterosexist patriarchical society?
This is not to say I do not understand why each person says what they do; each has been threaded through different needles,ground up into different consistencies with different experiences and accepted sociopolitical norms attached. Then there are the professors who say that "oh, well, you can always go to the University of Pittsburgh for law school", even though I want Berkeley, NYU or Stanford, as if those were not within my reach, my grasp, my scope of ability. You went to San Diego State and then Rutgers...Not as if YOU have anything to necessarily brag about. And then go on about an obsession with Indian casinos and their detrimental affects on society. Man, college used to sound so nice. Now it sounds like somewhat of a shit deal. The only thing going for me, that's keeping me alive is the fact that I'm going to be in DC in the fall, learning about the government that has disappointed me so much in my brief lifetime. But the hole still remains in my soul.
The idea of a soul-mate is one which seems intangible, something that can only BE an idea, not a glowing reality. But I am fixated on making this reality, without knowing where to start. I am a loser and I haven't even tried yet. Am I going to end up like Charlie Brown, simply passing the little Red-Headed Girl and never telling her that she is the one I love, I owe the beating of my heart to, the one who can reiterate those same sentiments back to me? Or is this just craziness. The fact is that my first love, the sick perversion of my soul, was and is a woman who has given her life to soemthing beyond me and her. She doesn't even know my feelings, I will never tell, cannot, because Heaven seems farther from my reach every day, and going any further would only make it worse. I'm kind of not too keen of the dark, although I've lived in it enough.
To all those young people who think that college is going to mean automatic freedom- for some, you may find that immediately. But for most, you realize that being on your own is a bondage that no one can enjoy, that people are needed, and that companionship, love and life-long commitment are not just trifles, but things that really matter, that nothing is compromised if you are satisfied, along with your partner. I wish I find that, and it's scary to think that I might not, so I'm not going to think that way, not yet, maybe not ever. I guess I have to be idealistic after all. Nothing's for certain, except for tomorrow. Might be quite nice, who knows? ;)

This is pathetic, but...APRIL FOOLS!!!

Well, it's spring in South Bend, which has been nice the last few days. Today I even got to lay out in the field and read with some friends. But now it's dark and windy, and I'm kind of bummed. But anyway,to my point...

I want a girlfriend, and not just some hook-up (as if I would do that anyway)but being here it's hard because all my friends who are "different", as we like to say, are bi and some have boyfriends, which is really depressing. There's really no one to meet around here, but I'd love to meet someone back home. Hopefully I can get in touch with youth organizations, and be able to talk openly about my feelings without feeling like I have to hold back things. It's incredibly frustrating to be in an environment that does not really foster any sort of open comraderie, everything's very clandestine, which I guess is understandable (and somewhat special) But this leads to a great deal of questioning of myself,and although I come back to the same conclusion every time, I still wonder things like "is my mom right?", "can I just be imagining I'm gay?", even going to "just because I don't want to have sex with a man, but with a woman, that doesn't make me lesbian, right?"

For any of you out there, how do you deal with these stressors? I'm 20, but I feel more like I'm 8 or 10 when it comes to this. I want to play with the big kids, but am unsure of how to approach it.

On a happy note, I got accepted into the Washington Semester program at American University, and I am SOO pumped about it. While there,in addition to taking classes and interning somewhere, I'm going to be writing a research paper on the lack of government involvement in the exploitation of female workers from other countries as a result of the proliferation of free market principles internationally. I am so excited, and know it will be really fun as well.

I'd love to learn more about the city, and if anyone has suggestions of places to go, visit, or avoid, any or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

Peace Out =)

I am going to read this at a peace event at school in a couple weeks. I'd love comments.

Children,
Raise your hands, to God on High
Weapons drawn, shall prophecy
Lives lost in vain
Hallowed Be Thy Name
United States, lies without shame

Sons,
I swear to you this day
Patriots,
oil-stained
Vultures
Say Democracy's the name of the game
For false idealism,
Is W to blame?
Paul and Dick and Bertie, too
Civil rights, who cares, do you?

Prisoners trapp'd in ruthless cord
Lynndie, cigarette-lipped country child
Service, torture, not on own accord
Trial, jury, Ken Lay on Texas coach
Wife making lemonade as Martha Stewart
Scoffs
In the kitchen
Just got footcuff off
Wonders 'bout Ken
Thinks 'd look good in
Orange
But wears instead
Royal Blue

Trinity of Death
Nuclear Proliferation
Incineration
Homosexualization
False Promise
No Promise
robertson, falwell
Pray for souls
Cleaner than own
DIRTY Minds
DIRTY Hearts
wash yourself

god has learned
on TV
turned on
the end is coming
soft chuckle
give the boys a show
make life pretty
trees grow, flowers
christian right shit fit
oh no, Happy day
lambast Hillary
god hates smart women
too

finally
shut off
wake up
life immutable
souls together
we are coming
peace will happen
just deal
now

So...

I'm so excited. My parents are coming for Sophomore Parent's Weekend at school. Yes, I'm a nerd, but I love my parents with all my heart. It HAS been over a month, and too much has happened in that span of time. They still haven't found a house in the Fresno/Clovis area yet, although that should change soon. I'm really pumped, but am nervous about the weekend. I'll be so happy to see them, and vice versa. But, I'm really scared that the same crap that always comes up will come up: if I'm ready for a semester in Washington DC, how I need to be more disciplined, and more and more things they (esp. my mother) will bring up. But, hey, as long as I can stay in the hotel with them for the weekend, it's all good! ;)

It's a week from Friday when they come in, and who knows. I'm just getting stuff out know because I have the energy, I'm in a good headspace, and I want to keep it up. Also, I got As on my Economics and Sociology exams. Hooray!!! My GPA will hopefully benefit from those scores. Thursday I have my International Poliitics exam, which should be, um, interesting, if nothing else. I love the class, and am somewhat glad because this will be my last core requirement for the major, then 3 more classes to go (I am in one elective currently for my major), and 4 more semesters to go...

Life is good, and so am I. How I live, and how I die.

Peace Out :)

I'm at college, and if you looked at me, you would probably looking at someone who seems all together, smart, happy, and headed for the skies. And you're 95% correct. I do love school, and I have the most awesome friends in the world, seriously. And I hope that I will go great places, and meet great people, and find that special woman who means everything to me.

However, my mother seems to be totally oblivious to my feelings in a variety of areas, especially in regards to my sexual orientation. I first asked my mom about liking girls when I was a freshman in high school, because I had a painful crush on this girl who I was in choir with. She had told me she was bi, but her preference was toward guys. I was bummed and really didn't understand my feelings clearly enough. So, I talked to her, and she assured me that I was not a lesbian or bisexual, and that she would know if I was. The years passed and I went out with guys, but really had no feelings toward them at all. But whenever I would be near another girl I liked a lot, or thought was gorgeous and amazing, my heart would skip a million beats, and my belief in my assumption got stronger. I told my mom on the phone earlier this year that I liked women. My mom replied that I was not, that my "mind was being fucked" by a friend of mine, that I should cut off ties with her. Mom then told me that this had happened to her, and that I was just being manipulated. I then took that position for while, but at Christmas, I realized I really do feel the way I do, and that this is valid.

I'm just so confused because I don't know where to go, what to do, who to talk to, or anything. I just want someone to believe me!!!! Is that too much to ask?????!!!!!! I feel lost in this area of my life, and am so scared. Questions are just racing through my mind. Please, someone, hear me!!