I'm kinda thinking maybe I should stop buying clothes like crazy... Like... NOT check every single day to see if a new line is out, and NOT constantly lurking on egl_comm_sales...

It's certainly been a while since I've been here.
I guess because the url changed, and I felt pretty silly for a while.
I still feel silly. Buuuut... I'm learning to deal with things better, although I wonder why I freak out so easily.

I thought I was DONE with this....
After a year of me staying away from the razors, I just couldn't do it, and I feel like a fool..
I am a fool.
I know that.
Especially because I don't know why I did it, and then I did it again?
Man, I suck.
I want to and I don't want to all at the same time... I like the way it feels, and I hate how it makes me feel all at the same time, and it'd ridiculous!

I haven't been on here in so long.... so I must go on and on and on about my summer.
1. I TOUCHED GOD. AND LEADER-SAN. *Shinya and Kaoru of Dir en grey*
2. Met cute guys from Japan. Cute as in I want to give them cages and ask my mommy if I can keep them.
3. Started school in this school three or four times bigger than my old school...
4. Got a girlfriend!!!!!!!!! *happy*
That pretty much sums it up... so on to the interesting part since no one here seems to know or care who Diru is - MAR-MAR!!!!

BORED AND HATING CALIFORNIA!!!
Gah... I just realized this is the LAST place my sister is going to find me. She'd never be caught dead here.
SO HELLO!
I'm stuck in Ventura. I no NO ONE. We're going to some dumb block party tomorrow, and I'd rather not. New people just aren't my thing.
I've met the dumbest girl. She's one of those people that think Oklahoma is nothing but farms and hicks. and it's not. At least, not near Tulsa or OKC. stupid....

yeah.... so we're moving at the end of the month and all, but now I've got some of my ex-friends all going and reading all my blogs somehow and complaining to my.... best friend?
She hasn't really been listening too much about what's happened lately and.... now she's had another...epiphany. something like that. I'm simply trying to see if things are going to go completely out of control like they did last time, so now I've got all these bitches just pissing at me like the bitches they are....

I'm happy with who I am, generally, but that hasn't happened for quite some time now. Just knowing that makes my sister's taunting bearable, and then I just start to think about myself more. Why do I listen to her? is it anything to do with how she says it'd be no big deal if I'd just ADMIT it, but if it wouldn't be a big deal, why does she MAKE it a big deal?
Sometimes all I feel I'm good at is avoiding subjects I don't want to talk about. She's gone and looked around my myspace, but I haven't blantantly stated YES I'M A LESBIAN. I've just clued in my rather small list of friends. They don't talk to her, she doesn't talk to them, and they're all cool... all on my long totally stressed out road of being 'out'.

I’m indecisive….
Not knowing whether to smile or cry-
Inable to decide to speak or keep quiet-
Silent in all attempts to change things for the better.
It just feels impossible at times.
And I can’t keep wishing like I do.
I don’t have to keep hoping someone will find me….
I can’t, because I don’t even know where I’m at.
Relying on the examples of those before me
I grow more and more confused.

I slept in, I'm sick, I wouldn't have gone to church even if my parents PLANNED on going and I WASN'T feeling horrible. Stupid hypocrites around here.....
whatever...
yesterday after we worked our asses off and lied to nini, we had her surprise b-day party.
I made her a purple Mana-dollie, and she LOVES it and I'm happy. Now Miranda's all "hint hint! my brithday is in two weeks!"
haha... I'm just gonna give her the most loved Yu~ki doll on the face of the planet. Seriously- my friends try to kidnap him and steal him away from me. The thing is, I planned on it for her birthday anyway when I made it two months ago, and the only one I WON'T part with is my Evil Plaid Mana... I love his skirt.....

I don’t want to worry about what they’ll say or do – I don’t want to hear once again that I’m going to hell.
I have enough of that.
All I want is romance.
Hopeless romantic, you say? Only in your eyes.
I don’t want these material struggles – I just want equality.
I want, just for a moment, the world to see and love the world as I do.
All I want is love.
True pure love is all I wish to find.

Goddammit, Amir!!
I was on the fricking bus, he sits down next to me, calls me an effin dyke - yipee whats new?
he was stupid as usual.
I ignored him as usual.
But we get to my stop, he stands up so I can get off, and he fxxing grabbed my fxxing ass!!
THAT FAT WHITEST BLACK GUY YOU'VE EVER MET W/ BIGGER MANBOOBS THAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE THINKS HE'S GOT THE BALLS TO GRAB MY ASS??
I really just want to SHOOT him right now.

hoping i don't dig myself into a hole this time - i ask if he's been here, he asks what, so what can i say that doesn't totally just OUT me, ya no?
then again... i've been wanting to get it done and over with...
i just wanna be HAPPPPPPY!
rar...

myspace... finally got an account there, i have like three friends, and it's frickin hilarious...
heh.
kinsao!! yaaay! and ceshy!! and frenchie's got the dumbest name.... it's funny.... but i don't care....
I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR ONCE. Stupid Sheila's a part of the stupid past, and i don't wanna deal with it....
HAPPY!!! and i listened to ceshy's ensemble! and i like! and I WATCHED SILVER ASH VIDEOS!!

OMG.... it just gives me the chills everytime i watch that show...
Esp. the episode where Marco came out to Spinner, and then to his dad is another ep...
I'm working on a fanfic...
darco.
Its gonna be... interesting, to say the least
my 16th b-day party is this saturday. my mom is making me let my sis come.
she'll sit there, call me a fucking dyke and ruin my whole day.
bitch.
but anyway, MARCO IS LOVE. I absolutely love him to death.... I guess maybe 'cause its just...