So well I tried again to tell my parents I am gay, meh, they just stopped coming with me to family therapy. Which really bothers my therapist, but I don't really have the heart to tell her it is only a matter of time before they stop paying and force me to find someone else. But meh I don't really care about what they can do any more. As long as my dad doesn't treat any of my sisters like the punching bag he thought I was, it will be fine. If he tries, I swear he is going to regret ever teaching me how to properly use a knife...(Funny how I always say that but it just ends with me in the psych ward with him saying I attacked without being even provocked, only for my social worker to find me half way through the 5250). Plus I told my parents that the festival this weekend is a for families....but little do they know it is for rainbow families, and my school therapist is going to be there so well that should be fun.

The briliant part is the fact that I can laugh at all of it. I have a couple hundred mg of anti-psych coursing through my veins to make the laughter easy, the sadness hard to come by, and voices hard to hear. I like being able to laugh at all of this. My parents have been a tad meddlesome, ever since the hospital stint last summer. Which is funny because I am 80 miles away from home in college. Which sucked because on my birthday, they freaked when a packaged got delivered to the house from a friend of mine. She sent me a copy of "Lost Girls" by Alan Moore and Melinda Grebbe. Man that set off the preachy catholic parent alarms off. It didn't help that they later caught my middle sister with a Yaoi book. But my birthday got a ton better after I watched the Queer Fashion Show at my school. And when I came back to my dorm, I had an e-mail waiting for me from the girl I've had a crush on since i was a HS frosh, she wanted to take me to dinner.

Dinner was nice we went to a pizza place/brewery that we use to go to in HS, when we got their my middle sister was there with almost all my friends which was really nice. It was fun we spent the whole night talking about how nutty our parents are and how even though most of us are away for college, they still find a Way....felt bad for my Second Semester Senior friends who looked totally crestfallen at the news of such a thing. The gifts were all nice. But I loved what the girl I am crazy for made for me. She found out that when I came home from the hospital, I freaked out because my mom washed my beddings which I was a bit overprotected of ever since the girl I am crazy for slept in them. She made me a blanket out of microplush and fleece which are the two materials I spazz over. She got the fleece in the pattern of our school skirt and the microplush was the color of my high school jacket (She had a letterman jacket, I had this fleece jacket that was for the girls they sent out to the middle schools and tried to convince girls to come to our HS). That was last week.

It was funny because a few months ago, I had a wierd moment where suddenly the world stopped spinning (The world always spinns underneath my feet can't help it.) And my heart just dragged out a beat a lot longer then it should. I knew something was wierd in my world. The girl I am crazy for went for a dabble into the world of dating boys. Man I drove me nuts after I got confirmation. But I met the guy, I knew something was off when I saw him because he looked like the older boy who got kicked out of scouts for shooting at a bird on the range, but he said he was our age. i knew he was 23, I told her to watch out. She laughed at first, but he ended up becoming overly possessive and she dumped him. But he wouldn't stop following her, it ended with us girls doing what we do best. Make sure the damn guy doesn't come back (we don't kill them....we just chase them around when they are inebriated or high off their ass until they can't walk anymore for the night). It lasted for a month...which I drowned my sorrows in with the new series of Doctor Who and Torchwood both of which has a new refreshing idea for sci-fi....LGBT PEOPLE!!! I remember loving to watch Doctor Who late at night when I was little, but my goth Russell T. Davies added new life to the show.

But for now I feel great, and i am happy with that.

Well I didn't think I would...I mean I am making new friends and all but I still get kind of lonely and my parents' constantly asking me if I am gay, is starting to become the skit that makes up many a LGBT comedian act. So I can't stay in my house and my friends all have jobs or college apps so they can't visit me. So I find it kind of lonely. Plus I don't have hallucinations to keep me company and since leaving the wheelchair, people don't seem to talk to me as much. Bleh, it is only a few days till Thanksgiving and maybe i can hang with my friends or at least my cousins. I find it amusing that my parents are freaking out, because the docs thought it was okay to say I attempted suicide in July not only because of the hallucinations but also because of the way that my parents treat LGBT people. So well, I know I can't tell my parents because they will flip out further more. But my cousin called to warn me that my parents are interveiwing people I know to see if some one will finally break and tell them I am gay. So I have to call all my friends to keep their mouths shut. It is funny. My friends and I are getting a kick out of it. Some of the kids in the rainbow floor think I should just telll them, which I guess is the right thing to do. But after they met my parents they said just wait till I am out of college. LOL

And I just found out my friends all wrote about me in their UC app, because they had to write about someone they admired. I find it sweet, but I don't think I should be looked up to. I mean when I had strength I use to get in fights all the time and I use to get them to ditch class with me all the time. But they tell me I only fought people who deserved it and I did it to protect some one and the teachers knew we were ditching, but they knew I was in the hospital most of the time and my parents wouldn't let my friends see me, so they let us ditch because they knew we would all catch up. But still I find it amusing, my high school called me to say that they want me to talk on career day to the underclass men about how even though it looks really tough to get into a good college it is still possible to do it.

So well because of my hormone disorder, I have some stubble on my face. The nurse thought I was FTM, and she wouldn't believe me when I said I was a girl and perfectly happy being a girl. It was awkward.

So I moved in last Friday to college Ten at UCSC. From the start it was awesome, for the first time in my life, my parents called me responsible. Which I always wanted to hear, because they told all my teachers that I was extremely irresponsible, but my high school teachers always begged to differ. I live in a double, but it feels like a single because my roommate is barely here. I don't feel homesick at all, but I do miss Filipino food. The move in was very smooth. The fisrst thing I did as soon as my parents was off the campus, was go to the Rainbow Lounge, which is the lounge room of the Rainbow Floor, which is right above my floor which is the all girl dorm. I met the boys who live directly above my dorm, they said I am completely adorable, so they introduced me to everyone on the Rainbow Floor. I had a good time there. I stayed there till dinner time when we had to split into our floors and eat with our floors.

The next day, I was hanging out with the boys who live above me, Adam and Ryan, when suddenly my parents pop up at my door. They yelled at me for having boys in my dorm and they wouldn't believe me when I said the boys were gay. So when that was happening Ryan said to Adam, "LET'S MAKE OUT!" and they did. My parents stopped yelling at me after that, but later they told me to try bringing them back to God...which kinda made me laugh. They then dropped off some food and a bluetooth head set, for me. And my dad helped me raise my bed. After that I went to the College Ten Dance, which was fun. I bumped into a girl, who was a bit shy, but I saw her always sneaking a peak into the rainbow floor. So I asked her why, she was always doing that. Turned out she was a bit shy, because she never met gay kids her own age. So I introduced her to the kids who lived on the rainbow floor. She enjoyed that.

The next day, we had our mandatory meetings, which was kind of boring, but we had fun night, that night. So I went on a night hike to Tree Nine, and all the kids who lived on the Rainbow Floor came, and so did a lot of other kids, when we got to the tree, the leaders told us to have a minute of silence, but Adam screamed like a girl becase something furry brushed against him. We had a good laugh from that. After the hike we went to the Open Mic at the Cafe Revolucion. It was really cool.

The next night it was free day, which was pretty much us just going around exploring the campus all day. There was a rummage sale where some one was selling a fridge for 15$ but it was dirty and the unit needed to be cleaned so that it run a lot better, so I haggled it down to 5$. Which was awesome. That night it was Slug Fest, the school wide dance, which was fun, until some jackass climbed to this big branch and the tree branch fell onto the crowd, good thing noone but the jackass got hurt. We ended the night by playing DDR in the Rainbow Lounge.

Yesterday, we had orientations, but that was okay. Last night was teh awesome because we had the Boardwalk Frolic, which was a night when the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is only open to us students, I ate a crap load of junkfood, Ryan bought us all Cotton Candy, which was cool. They have those old style merry go rounds that have Brass Rings to grab and throw into the target. Which I think is awesome because I am real sucker for the Catcher in the Rye, so I took one of the brass rings, because I hope that I too can have a moment of elightenment. We topped off the night by getting funnel cakes and even more cotton candy. It was really fun.

Today we have to go to all the meeting for our safety. Bleh.

So lately I have had a crappy summer. I mean it has been nothing but babysitting and Doctor visits. But even the babysitting had to end when I woke up one morning and found that I couldn't stand, not even with the help of a cane. It only got worse when the hallucinations got out of control, apparently it is at the point where docs are thinking about the possibility of schizophrenia, but they quickly found a medication to reduce the symptoms for now. But they say with a little more tinkering I won't have any more hallucinations or hear any more voices. (You know they are extremely irritating, it is like having your father yell at you like when you were little and you sucked at ballet, but was teh awesomeness in baseball but instead of it just being in the mini-van it is like always).

When my parents found out that I couldn't walk the first thing, they did was smile, and then they called my friends' parents to say that I couldn't go on the camping trip, but that pissed me off. But when they called my crush's parents they had a better response then "Oh I am so sorry, well my daughter will miss your daughter on the trip". My crush's parents said, "Well we thought that might happen, that's why we put in reservations for Guerneville also. You know they have wheelchair ready campsites and facilities. Our daughter is calling all of her friends to see if it would be okay. And we know that you would be uneasy about sending her off alone. So we are coming as chaperones, and don't say that we don't know how to take care of your daughter. Because my wife was a nurse for UCSF's Children's Hospital before she became a landscaper, and I, while I may be a coroner, and you know that takes an MD, right? So I think that may settle most of your fears. But I think you can put the rest of those fears on the back burner till she goes to college, because you know my daughter is going to the same Uni in about two years. And you know, HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA" then he hung up. My parents couldn't say no, because my social worker and doctors and my high school teachers were all on my parents’ cases about not letting the wheelchair thing affect my life.

So last Friday they picked me up in the afternoon...in a San Francisco Coroner's Office van, which was fricken hilarious. My parents looked totally appalled by the idea. But when I saw the reasoning behind the van. The van had a ramp in the back so I was able to roll myself in, instead of the slightly embarrassing, everyone hauling my 175lb ass into a seat. That was nice of them. So a few of my friends where already in the van and the rest of them were following us in their own cars. The ride there, my crush's little brother, did his rendition of Spring Awakening (which considering he is 11, was adorable). He then went on to talk about how we are lucky to be girls because we get prettier stuff. I got a kick out of that, I just told him, he could trade all the action figures his aunts insist on giving him for all the flowery crap my aunts give me. He was happy about that. I found that most of my friends are having equally boring summers and equally stubborn parents. Since we were in a coroner's van, we thought it was funny to make it look like zombies were attacking the people on the inside. So using my crush's little brother's theater make-up kit we made ourselves look like zombies or zombie victims. And since I was on lookout cuz I couldn't stand, so whenever I saw a car full of kids, my friends would act out a zombie attack in the front seats and some people getting slammed to the back windows by zombies. My crush's dad said that we managed to get some people panicking and speeding ahead but a few people just flipped us the bird. We shortly got to the campsite after we waited for the rest of our friends to arrive, and then when they did and they approaching the van, we burst out like it was a full on zombie attack. We all had a good laugh at that.

We then proceeded to fix up our campsite, I couldn’t help much, which sucked because setting up camp is my favorite part of camping. But my crush’s parents just told my crush to walk with me to the river, but I noticed my chair wouldn’t get pass the rocks or even the sand, and I was about to say something about that. But then I saw my crush pull out one of heavy-duty wagons that her mom uses for landscaping jobs from one of my friends cars. I was really touched that she would even come up with that idea. So she put me in the wagon and took me to the river while everyone else set up camp. We talked about what the future held for each of us. I felt bad when she said she was a bit jealous that I got to go away while she didn’t even though we both know well that she could’ve easily gotten into the same school as me. I mean I was always upset by the idea that her parents couldn’t afford for her to go to a UC, so she is going to go to CSM for two years, get the straight A’s I know she will get as always, so in two years she will be at UCSC with me. Which was nice to know that her plans for the future involve me, and that made me happy. We then came back to the campsite we found the whole place was set up. We then all had dinner, then spent the night playing the game to see who can make the most obscene shadow puppet show. That was fun.
The next day we once again went to the river, but this time with everyone. We had a couple of them floaties, and we spent the whole day in the river. That night we cooked s’mores, and reminisced about high school. We cried a lot at the idea of not being at the same school, because we started off a group of loners with Harry Potter books being forced to hang out with each other, and by the end of the four years we were a big group of friends. In all there was the 15 of us including my crush’s family. So it was a big campfire, it was nice. My crush told me that she will visit me any chance she could get, and the rest of my friend said the same. They know I will need visitors, to keep me in the right mind. They know now not to ever let me feel lonely, because that is when the hallucinations choose to attack.
The next morning, we had to pack up, but we decided to take the long way home. Which was nice, because I needed to stay away from my parents as long as I could. But I say that was one of the best weekends I will ever have.

So this weekend was my graduation weekend and my family was all totally chuffed until well...the girl I have a crush on tackled me to the floor and said "Well you are going to like our little camping trip, because I know I will," then we wrestled a bit. My parents were not pleased with that, because now my aunts think there is a thing going on between me and my friend (I WISH THERE WAS!!!) Then after that happened my parents went to my friend and said, "I don't think she can go camping with you any more." Then as we were taking pictures together my crush's mother said, "Oh come on just a hug?" Which just made my parents more angry. I just thought it was funny, when my crush's mother proceeded to say, "Oh come on take the stick out of your asses, you should be proud of your daughter for who she is, not who you want her to be. Because believe me, your daughter is keeping a buttload of secrets just to keep you guys happy." Man not only do I love my crush, but I love her parents. My parents took offense at that and tried to drag me away from my friends. But I pulled back and said, "No mom and dad, I want to stay here. Don't you think that maybe there is a little truth to what they say. Anyways it is my graduation, and I worked hard and you should be proud of me no matter what happens. Plus today is not only about family, it is about friends." Well my mom and dad looked like they were ready to kill me, when my school's principal came in and said, "Catherine is right, let her stay with her friends. And I know you two are proud of her because she is after all the first in her generation to go to a University. But we are also proud of her too. It is nice to hear that she is getting to spread her wings a little bit, going camping with her best friend. I'd say it is much safer then any of the other trips, their peers are going to." then she ran off to settle a drama that was happening near by where a girl invited her birthparents and her adopted parents and her adopted parents were not please to see the birth parents. So then my parents turned to my crush's parents and said that I could still go on the camping trip and that they were just being over protective.

Then we went for dinner, after that we went home and my friends picked me up to go to the senior bonfire, were we decided instead of burning our skirts or textbooks it would be much more funnier to burn bras, so as to confuse the boys school. Yeah the boys just walked onto the beach after we started and we jokingly started to chase them with sticks with burning bras on them. They ended up retaliating by flinging blown up condoms in our direction, which was funny. A bunch of our classmates got smashed and me and my friends got bored so we went into the car and decided to get some food. We ate at Mel's Drive in. Then since it was my friend's birthday we decided to let her pick what she wanted to do. Which was go to a strip club...oh dear god have mercy. That was awkward and hilarious at the same time. SO all in all I had fun on my graduation.

So this weekend was our school sponsered senior trip. We went up to some lake, it was amusing. So even with more then half the teachers there most of the girls were topless. Shit, saw things I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE!!! But then other then that it was really fun. My crush and I went tubing, she lost her top when we got tapped by a bannana boat. I couldn't help but stare, and she got ticked and when we got back to shore she stole my cane and ran away. It was great because we didn't have to pay for anything because one of our friends' dad paid for everything (I am curious to know what he does for a living, because when we can't pay for something he always swings in and pays for us). We also got to stay int their cabin. It was fun when we all snuck out in the middle of the night to the cabin in which our school's party girls were staying in, and they were having a big party. I like how the teachers were there too, but they didn't crack down on us unless some one was going to do something illegal. We played beer pong with non-alcoholic beer, the nuns were mortified by that. But by 2 in the morning they were playing too. My crush and I went for a walk on the shore of the lake later that night and halfway through out walk we got attacked by a bunch of anime club peers, of course they always do that. But still nothing is more terrifying then thinking you are getting attacked by a plastic sword only to find out it is a dildo...well there are more terrifying things but still it was amusing. I really don't know where they got it, but still. The rest of the trip was spent on the water. The trip home, my crush had to sit on my lap. It was fun.

Well for prom, I went stag but that was no prob...made me uneasy how my mom said, "If you go with a girl, I am going to kick you out of the house." ...it's like my parents kinow what is going on but they are ignoring it. Well my crush also went stag. When I came into the hotel, my crush was sitting in a big chair, and she had an extra corsage in her hand. I had one an extra corsage too. so we just traded our extra ones. She asked me to walk into the hall with her, because she didn't want to go in alone, which I thought was awesome, because we walked in arm in arm. The teachers greeted us with a hello. It was amusing because the nuns asked us if we were there "together", and my crush said, "yes". The nuns told us we were so brave, but with that my crush added in an "as friends" but she tightened her grip on me. We walked up to our friends who all had their boys with them, the boys were amusing, because they kept on asking if we were together, but my crush kept on saying, "We'll leave that up to your imagination". After that we took pictures, which was fun. The photographer asked all couples to link arms, well my crush and I linked arms. In the photo, the photographer had my crush put her hands on my waist, which was the standard position of couples in our school's formal photos, I can't wait to see the result, but after that the nuns saw how our picture was, and they told us it might be a good idea to retake our group photo, because well my nuns know my parents well enough to know they would kill me if they saw that photo, but the nuns told the phographer to keep the orignal and still make print of it, but the photographer wouldn't do that so the nuns paid for us to have another photo which I thought was awesome. After that we ate, her and I had to trade deserts because I am allergic to nuts and she is allergic to strawberries, so that worked out. After that we went dancing, all our friends were freaking their boyfriends, so we ended up dancing with each other, we jokingly pulled in the school priest and started dancing with him, he ran off, it was funny, but the nun told us that was a bad thing to do. Well part way through the dancing my crush pulled me closer, and we started to freak. Our friends noticed, and they were all, "Are you two finally together now?" But my crush had an interesting response to that, "Do you see us kissing?" So our friends just shrugged it off, but after that I fainted shortly after. I woke up a few minutes later, just outside of the hall, and my head was on my crush's lap, and my friends were joking, "Man you must have given her one hell of a kiss," Ha I wish! But after that we went back to dancing, and we danced together till the end of prom. I wish it could've went longer, or at least I could've stayed longer with her, but our friends rented a party bus, and my parents wouldn't let me go, so I decided to at least let the end of our prom be memorable. So as my friends got onto the party bus, I waited till she got on, because she got on last, and as she was getting on, I asked her, "So um, where's my kiss?" And she turned around and stared walked down to the last step and she was about to move her face closer to mine, but the doors of the bus snapped close, but I had my cane there to stop the doors from closing. So the doors oppened again, and she was still there and she moved in closer to me, but the doors snapped closed and the driver floored it and drove away. But even though I didn't get my kiss, which I guess will have to wait till our camping trip. Prom was awesome. We saw each other today at the senior Mother Daughter brunch, and she was nothing but all smiles when she saw me, which I think is awesome. SO Yes PROM WAS AWESOME FOR ME!!!

Not only because it is always a waste of life, but also because when ever they happen. People remember it was my bestfriend who made a bomb after the bullying got to be so much. I mean I love my friend and all, but his actions have followed us since we were fourth graders. It wasn't all our fault, the teachers didn't do shit about us being bullied, and we couldn't take it any more. Anyways, we talked so much about the idea of blowing up the school when no one was there, I didn't think he would actually do it. I didn't know that he would listen to the fact that I did know where to order the chemicals. It was his parents fault for not knowing what they ordering, they just thought he was getting into gardening. But it isn't fair, it has been almost ten years, since it happened, when will people realize I only hurt those who deserve it. When will they relize I wasn't there to push the button, I was there to tear it apart. ARGH, WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP THINKING I AM TRIGGERED BY SCHOOL VIOLENCE!!!!!! I AM TRIGGERED BY THOSE WHO HURT THE INNOCENT, THAT IS WHY I HURT PEOPLE!!!!!! I hurt the guy who hits his girlfriend. I hurt the father who hits his children. I hurt the boys who jump other kids. Isn't my record enough, to prove I don't hurt people who done nothing wrong.

So my friends and I have been doing DOS for the past 3 years, and we are planning to do it this year again. The only difference is that this year we invited more students to help and it recieved a mostly positive response. But well suddenly, we get this letter from the Archdiocese saying we are not to participate...SO Who cares we are going to do it anyways. When I told them that, they said..."Well Catherine, Let's see what your father would have to say about it." So now we have to do it unofficially, because I can't have my parents know what DOS is. They are already pissed that all my friends are LGBT or Ally. Bleh. Stupid Conservakids!!! We know it was one of their parents who told the archdiocese. I mean what a bunch of ass holes these people are, they don't even go to church, they just pay, so how the hell would they know who to call at the Archdiocese. I mean I work at two parishes, go to church on a daily basis, and I am a mentor. Why the hell am I the who is getting threatened by them. Times like this I question if I really want to stay in organized religion.

So Monday and Tuesday was my school's overnight retreat. That was a lot of fun, you see it was meditation and bonding time all day with a heated discussion of love and/or sex in the evening , followed by a night of sneaking around the woods in sleepover-esue manner. The next day we eat a big breakfast, discuss the fall out of the discussion in a drum circle like setting for a couple of hours.

So during the evening discussion, people started to talk about when they were raped and/or molested. One girl made a bad move at one of the other girls by saying, "You don't wear skirts. You act like a guy. You play softball and every other sport under the sun. You were molested. I'm surprise, you have a boyfriend if anything you should be a dyke." Well the girl looked like she was going to cry even more from that comment.

So I stood up and said, "Well I don't do those things, I'm gay." Next thing I know all the girls gasp...apparently my class didn't know it but I am out to the juniors to the the frosh. hahahaha and I thought girls talk.

So the girl who made the bad comment says, "Well honey it's because you are ugly and boys don't give pity dates. But anyways you won't have to worry about getting beaten by any guys or raped. "

The thing was, I was beaten by a guy. My dad use to beat crap out of me as a little kid because he was angry and just last summer a boy shot me because I wouldn't say yes to his proposal of marriage. I told that to the girl and once again all the girls were shocked and the girl who was making the comments finally shut upped. Then the conversation turned to all the girls who got beaten by their fathers and abusive relationships, now the school wants to do more about stuff like that which is good.

But the fall out was, "oh catherine you're so brave" to "Oh catherine, God gives you these hardships because he thinks you can handle it"

Next thing I know today, "Catherine's gay" was the one thing to go through the rumor mill to get the response, "Um...so who cares, tells me when she starts dating her best friend. They would be cute together."

Now my best friend who happens to be the girl I am crazy about is acting kind of awkward with me. but well that happens whenever kids start saying we should be together.

So I got rejected by Mills yesterday, they said my test scores weren't that good. But UCSC took me in, which is awesome because my parents would be more likely to let me go away from home if I had to leave home because driving from SF to Santa Cruz daily is fairly horrid, escpeciallybecause I can't drive, due to the stupid tourette's. Lalalala I'm happy but I am going to put in an appeal for Mills.

Real Name: Catherine
Oasis Name: Dreamers Imagine Someday
Age: 17
Location: San Francisco

The Puzzle
I am that awkward piece that never fits in the puzzle. Not only do I physically appear different, but also I am also different on the inside. I am not like most girls. I am one of the “one in ten”, while at the same time I am the “one in one thousand”. I am gay and I have Tourette syndrome. Which makes social life a living hell. It’s hard, to be so different in so many ways. The fact remains every one is different, and these ways all bring their pains with it. While at the same time everyone has to remember that being different while painful, makes this world and humanity so beautiful. A beauty, that everyone, including myself, fails to see occasionally.

I have Tourette’s which is a neurological disorder that causes my body to carry out pointless motor and vocal tics. It is, at times, painful in a physical sense, but mostly it is painful in a mental sense. I can only describe it as a radioactive monkey that refuses to get off of your back, it is painful and annoying but it makes one hell of a conversation piece. Many people stare and try not to stare when I have my tic attacks, which in the end only aggravates my tics more. Many people don’t ask why I tic and assume that I am a tweaker (a methamphetamine addict), which leads to rather disastrous results. Many people seem to think that my tics are something that I do for attention but I don’t. Which doesn’t make any sense because the tics get me the kind of attention that embarrasses me. Yet in the end, I can still see a beauty in Tourette’s, it slows me down and shows me the world for more then face value. There is some beauty in that, even if most people find not being in control of one’s body rather terrifying.

But there are other things that make people different that seem to terrify and enrage people, like for example being gay. I am not sure why people find it terrifying that a person can love some one of the same gender. I am not sure why people who don’t understand say it is a choice; after all we humans by nature tend to choose the easier of the routes. After all wouldn’t it be easier to be straight and avoid all the ridicule and questions that come from being gay, us as human always choose the easiest path. Then there is something that hurts about this kind of being different that doesn’t go along in the territory as disabilities and disfigurements. With being gay there is a pain in knowing the fact that you are hiding the fact that you are in love, which in my opinion is the hardest feeling to hide. Simply put, it’s impossible to hide the fact that you are blushing at the girl in the library. But there is a beauty in that too, when it is harder to find some one to love, that loves you back, it is a lot easier to cherish and appreciate them. While at the same time it is a lot harder to take them for granted. Indeed, loving a person with all one’s heart and soul seems to be a forgotten beauty that can be at times be tainted.

My life has leaded me to some different circumstances, which no one else will ever understand. But it lead me to something I believe everyone else is familiar with, their first head-over-heels-honest-to-goodness heartache. I don’t know how it happened; it just hit me with a tic and a smile. I was a freshman, at my all girls’ school, sitting in the school library during a break, when my tics started up. Since the usual response to my tics was a pelting of harsh words and objects, I braced myself for the attack, but it didn’t come. Instead I looked up and saw a smiling girl with a look of concern in her eyes, her eyes are the most beautiful I have ever seen. With her, there was something that compelled me to do things that I would never do, if it wasn’t for her, and that is talk. With my tics, talking is one of the hardest things to do, but she brought out the courage and will power, I never thought I had. Just by being kind to me. Not only that, but when I talked she listened like nothing else mattered; she paid attention to me like no one else ever did before her. As time moved on, we became rather good friends, she trusted me with words and thoughts that before her, no one else would bother to tell me. Yet the same time I realized I was falling for her. I was ready to make all the right choices and do what is for her best interest while at the same time forget about myself and be unselfish for once in my life. It was unusual because I always saw myself as a selfish person who tried to be a puzzle piece that fit in the puzzle that is our humanity, even though I didn’t. With that I tried to reach out to her and be part of her world in that way, instead of love, I found a new emotion. Fear of rejection, which has its place in love but not the way I felt it. As I tried to reach out for her, all I could feel was the idea that coming out would cause rejection from my family, some of my friends, and if my bad luck held true, her. So yes, that kind girl in the library who became my best friend, became my first head-over-heels-honest-to-goodness heartache, and she never knew it. Just because I was so full of insecurities that are actually reasonable to have in my situation, I got my first heartache.

Yes I said it, heartache, a common emotion everyone goes though at least once in his or her lifetime. It is beautiful how people who are so different can go through it too. Which brings me to one more idea about the beauty of being different; everyone is different. Yes, everyone is different, some are just more noticeably different then others. So when you pass by that kid who is twitching in the corner and you want to mutter some judging words of misunderstanding, just remember you are also different. Then when you pass by any LGBT couples in the street, remember that you too cannot hide it when you are in love with someone. When you pass by that kid in a wheelchair, don’t feel pity for them, have mercy and patience. Then when you pass by that amputee from wars pass, don’t stare, life is already the most difficult performance ever done, it is only harder with an audience. As for when you stare in a mirror wishing you could just wish yourself to be like everyone else, remember you are different and that is beautiful in it’s own way. After it all, just think about it this way, we are all puzzle pieces that together, we make a beautiful image that is humanity. We all have our place in that puzzle, some us just to take a little longer to find our place in that puzzle.

So yup, Valentines was amusing. It was my first day back to school after 9 days of being in and out of the hospital. I was flipping high because of all the medications, but other then that I had a good time. When I walked into my first class, the girl I am crazy about (My best friend and disability associate... they are the girls in the school who team up with any one who is disabled physically and just makes sure they don't kill themselves on any of the hazards in the school) got up hugged me ran back to our desk and pulled out a giant box of candy, it was full of green apple, blue rasberry, and watermelon jolly ranchers, and when I went to start eating them I realized she gave me an amount were it was all of the flavors were even, so they easily went into groups of three. Which was awesome, because that just means she actually knows my OCD tendencies, which is cool, because not many people know I have OCD. Also she gave me jolly ranchers, which meant she knows I am allergic to nuts, which is also awesome, because I just found that out in the hospital a few days ago. And how she knew was anyone's guess. I felt bad, because since I haven't been in school much lately, I didn't know that all my single friends split into pairs for valentine's day just so that they had a friend to get something for. I didn't have a gift for her. When suddenly I pass by the office and saw that they just delivered the photos from formal and they had just gotten the last order of lockets that were the gifts for formal, I asked the lady in the office for my photo package and a locket, she felt bad because I have been in and out of the hospital so she gave it to me. Then I limped down to the rose garden, and the gardner cut some of the morning roses for me (you see, my rose bushes were victims of a nasty prank by the neighborhood boys. So those were out of the options). Then I came back to my first class and gave the flowers, the locket, and the photos to her as a gift...yes so what I pulled the idea out of my ass...I had no warning! But she liked it a lot and she kissed me on the cheek, unfortunately I fainted. But I managed to get back up in a few seconds, completely red faced...not sure if it was the kiss or the low blood pressure. She laughed and then we went on with our class.

Then the teacher said, "You know girls, with a day like this no one is going to teach a thing. How about we just go outside and take a walk through the woods." Strangely enough every single one our teachers had the same idea for their class, so for all or our classes today they ended up taking us to the woods to play for a bit...honostly they lost a bit of their originality. Since we are seniors we got early dismissal while all the younger grades ended up with study hall. The girl I am crazy about drove me to the hospital because I had another appointment with another specialist which was nice of her. She actually stayed with me, and we watched the pillow fight down at Justin Herman Plaza, that was amusing. We had dinner at Mel's Drive Thru...because we wanted to avoid all the coupliness of all the other restaurants. So I think that was the first valentines day I had, that I actually liked.

So I went to Winter Formal I am crazy about. It went very well on my part. She came thirty minutes late to my house, which made me flip out...which is wierd because the doctors have me on tranquilizers after I had a "Seizure-like episode". I thought she wasn't coming, turned out the tree that she used to remember my house by was cut down, so she couldn't identify my house any more....town houses with crappy ass address numbers, SUCK!!!!! When we got there all the teachers were all "Catherine, you're so brave," or, "Catherine, I am proud to see that a girl with your condition ready to come out and be with your peers," which all means...we don't know how to deal with the fact that your brained shut down in school and we really don't know how to deal with the fall out. Because you see the "Seizure like" episode happened the day before formal, and I had a hard time sitting properly for class. Well after that we took our Formal picture...which I will love dearly. Then we ate...she thought it was funny how I was the only one who knew proper ettiquite for formal eating, so I look like a pompous a-hole while everyone was eating like normal. We then took our group picture, which was great because the photographer told my date to put her arms around my waist. Then we danced the night away...it was mostly hyphy music...which sucked, but we danced anyways. When they played techno we broke out the glow sticks we snuck is and raved on the DJ platform. I had another seizure like episode, and she stayed with me till it cleared. We then freaked with eachother... which I have to admit I love. She accidently brushed against me when I was having a kissing tic, so I accidently kissed her shoulder. She just laughed and kissed me on the cheek which sent me over the moon. After the formal was over we went to a cafe, where our friends and us reminnised the past four years, and talked about our future. Then we took some pictures in the cafe. Then we took the long way home, which was nice, because she knew how much I didn't want to go home, but we weren't invited to any parties, so we had nothing to do. We parked at my house and we talked some more. It was nice. I really enjoyed the night...too bad half our cameras got stolen or switch aroundby the ghetto fabulous jackasses. Or how oneboy slapped his girlfriend, and how her friends just ignored it, we got the teachers to check in on that. Or how our friends brought a gay couple of boys who's parents won't let them see each other, only to have their parents come in and dragged them away. Or how the chocolate fondue fountain got pushed onto this one girl, by the boys, the poor girl had to get a change of clothing. But I had a lot of fun and I can't wait to go to prom.