Things have gotten much better since my last post several months ago (not that anyone follows my journal or anything).

My crush of over a year finally let me kiss her in late March and three weeks later (12:46 at night on April 15, to be exactly) I asked her out & she said yes! It's been a bumpy road but also a great one. She's so loving and sweet and I don't know what I'd do without her. We're looking forward to having a picnic on our 4 month anniversary in August.

I hit one of the lowest points I've ever hit emotionally a few weeks ago but now things are getting better. Still going to the shrink, and on Zoloft now.

Oh, and I got my driver's license! Yey!

Hope everyone else is doing really well, too.

Ok, first, I love the new updating formatttt.
Can you tell I haven't updated in a while?
:)

I'm so...BLAH.
I'm going to see a psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow
which is scary.
I don't know...
it's a guy, an older guy at that.
If I don't like him or w/e, he said he'd refer me to a chick...
we'll see.

Meanwhile, everything else is a mess.
My ex & I are friends again
which would be good
if it didn't make my crush flip out.
I'm supposed to go hang out with my ex tomorrow
and my crush was telling me that she doesn't want to know
"when we get back together" or "when we have sex."
And so I decide I'm going to blow off my ex & hang out w/ my crush instead
but my crush is like,
"No, no, go hang out with her. I'll do something else instead. Blah blah blah."
And THEN she tells me that if I'm not going to hang out w/ my ex
then she will!!!!!!!!

So frustrated.

on top of everything else that's kinda sorta sucking
(home, school, etc)
my best friend needs a break
NEEDS A BREAK!!!!
you can't just walk away from a friendship!!!!!!
it's not a fucking relationship!
you can't take breaks from your friends!!!

i knew from the beginning that she has commitment and trust issues
she has a really hard time opening up
she really opened up to her former best friend
who recently basically pushed her out of her life
and she was finally starting to open up to me
to tell me how she felt about stuff
to trust me a bit
and last night she tells me she needs to take a step back and figure out how much she needs me
among other people
but god damn
what do i do without my best friend around?
how can she just disappear?
it's not right

yeah i know this doesn't seem directly glbt related
but it is
in the most complicated way ever
basically i have a crush on her but i used to hate her because she had a crush on my then girlfriend who was her best friend, the one who recently hurt her
basically.

Everything has been shot to hell, basically.
School has started and I hate it beyond reason.
Almost every single one of my friends annoy the crap out of me
except my 3 closest friends
one of which is my crush
(god knows what's happenening with that. For a while I thought...
I thought something was finally going to happen but I'm back to where I was a few months ago
which is amazingly lame and now our friendship is a bit funky too
with bits of jealousy and whatnot.)

I am so sick.
I have this raging cold and dayquil is not helping any.
It really isn't much fun.
Plus I am so angry at everyone and everything
which just isn't me
so I don't know why I'm being like this.
I wish I could get over it...
Suggestions?

so i got rejected for the millionth time today by this girl i like
the thing is
she likes me too

it's overly complicated
and stupid
and i'm a mess
but i need to chill out

Today sucked. Really, really hard.

So I woke up from a dream that my best friend/crush (who used to like my ex/her best friend—let’s call her S) and my ex (L) went on a date and I was just paranoid and blah blah blah. OMG ARE THEY DATING BEHIND MY BACK?? And the whole bit.

So then I talked to S online for a couple of hours. We had a bit of a fight but she ended up explaining that she’s questioning hXXXXXc and it’s REALLY scaring her. Which lead to her telling me that she “might

1. My crush/best friend couldn't call ME today but she *somehow* was able to call my ex gf/ex best friend aka her best friend/ex-crush. I am so angry about this. People not calling is a huge pet peeve of mine.

2. I know I probably won't have the balls to confront her about it so it will just continue to go on and on and on like this.

3. I am so fucking jealous.

4. My close friends are getting on my nerves. They are trying to out-gay me. It's like I'm nothing more then a lesbian to them!!!

5. I am seriously doubting that I will meet any lesbians who would be interested in me for a while.

6. I cannot call my crush/best friend right now to talk to her about this because...well because I know she doesn't want to fucking talk to me.

7. She's pushing me away. I can't stand it. But I also cannot do anything about it until she chooses to get in touch with me. Or at least until tomorrow.

8. I like this girl too fucking much.

9. I hate my ex because she is fucking better than me. GOD I FUCKING HATE HER!!! IF YOU'RE READING THIS....YOU SHOULDN'T BE VERY SURPRISED!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!

10. That didn't make me feel better.

11. The only thing that could make me feel better right now is my fucking crush who is not going to call me today EVEN THOUGH SHE CALLED MY EX.

12. I am EXTREMELY dependant.

My best friend and ex-girlfriend likes the same girl as I like. How should I handle this? The girl I like has promised me that she would never date my bff/ex even though she used to like her.

I know for a fact that I like this girl more than my bff/ex...

Should I confront my ex about this? Or just leave it alone? Roll with it?

god i like the WRONG person. it is doomed in so many ways. i think she likes me to or could like me which is a frightening thought. right now, though, she is making me so happy and i just want to hang out with her and get to know her better (and yeah, hold her hand, kiss her,...etc)

i can't even talk to my friends about this
i'm afraid that one of them will read this post even though they rarely go on here
i'm afraid to say more about her because they will know exactly who it is if i do

but god she makes me happy

My girlfriend and I went on a date last night and it was just very cute. We did a bit of shopping, had a quick dinner, saw a movie. It would have been wonderful if she had slept over but today is Mother’s Day so she had to be home.

We got into a bit of a fight tonight because she wanted to go and sit in front of the TV making blankets for her softball team instead of talk to me but I apologized and she was already in a crappy mood so it’s not like I ruined her entire night.

On Friday night she went to a dinner with her team where every girl was going to bring a date. I didn’t get invited which kind of hurt but I got her reasoning. Although her team suspects and assumes we’re together, she has not officially announced it. On top of that, it would take a lot of lying (her to her parents, me to my parents) to get me there. But then I guess most of the girls couldn’t get dates so they brought friends. Ouch, you know? She says she didn’t know that was going to be the case and so I can’t really blame her for not taking me but…..So they went to dinner and then she, her friend and her friend’s boyfriend (my friend), and the girl who has a crush on my girlfriend went down to the beach. Yeah, I’ll admit it, that hurts. A lot. Then she got home late that night but she had promised to call and I stayed up and waited for her call so we talked for a little bit. I don’t know. I guess this is a sore spot right now.

Today was just so, so, so boring and I was being lazy on top of that.

So on Friday night my girlfriend was at a sleepover where she told her friend, NOT me, that she felt like we were falling apart and there was nothing she could do to fix it. Her friend later told me and I was sure the friend was just making it up to make me think something was wrong. After a looong time of trying to contact my girlfriend we finally got things straightened out--she does feel that way. I was blown away. I felt like we were in a great place! I felt like our relationship was better than it had been in a looong time!! I know we'll get through it, though. She keeps telling me she misses me (she's out of town) and loves me so so much. I just feel so terrible. How could she have not mentioned that she was feeling like that?? On top of that I have this apprehensive feeling in my gut. I feel like she's going to break things off...it's probably just because I haven't heard her voice in a while so I don't know how sincere she is w/ her "i miss you"s and her "i love you"s. I'm just scared. She means the world to me...

Does anyone have any advice on what we can do together to feel connected again I guess?

sometimes you make me feel unwanted
you make me wonder if you would rather be with her
sometimes you make me feel stupid
and I can’t help but ask if you would rather be with her
sometimes you make me feel annoying
which makes me think you would rather be with her
sometimes you make me feel so alone
like in your head you’re already off with her
sometimes it’s easiest to just admit
that you would rather be with her

i hate poetry. 'nough said.

i feel like so many other people on this website who are given perfect opportunities to come out to a parent/friend/etc. but let it pass them by. the other night my mom walked in on me crying while on the phone w/ my gf. she asked what was wrong and i said nothing so she left. two nights later she said that she was worried about me because i seem so sad. it was such a good opp. to tell her but instead i just said that lauren and i are fighting (which is true) instead of telling her that it's a pretty big deal b.c we're not just friends we're dating. blah it's confusing but i wish i had said something.

I felt sick last night so I faked it this morning and got out of school. Yey!

Tonight is Pre-Festival at my school in our brand new gym! It's an instrumental and choir event so a lot of my friends will be in it and the rest will hopefully be coming. I'm so excited. I hate sitting around on Friday nights so when I find a chance to get out I'm so there. I'm getting picked up in a little less than 3 hours and I still have hair to do and to pack my stuff (I'm spending the night with my girlfriend).

Right now I'm listening to my "going out" mix on iTunes haha. I'm such a dork.

I hope everyone else has a good Friday night!

Everybody loves to mock my gay best friend in what they think is a playful way. They try to come up with “creative,