If you are reading this and aren't the person i am referring to in the entry you can skip ahead read the first maybe 3 or 4 sentences then go to the 3rd paragraph. Oh and if you are 'the mouse that roared' user read the full first paragraph thanks. Or if you want to you can read everything it really isn't alot i just split each part into a certain number of sentences.
Ok so i decided that Tuesday i am going to talk to my new therapist T who i talked about in my last entry. If you feel like it read it if not just read this. With some ecouragement from the use the mouse that roared on my last entry i am going to talk to T. She was right i want this women's advice and i do like her alot she's really nice and easy to talk to. Helped me out by what she said after i went with her to her office Thursday. She walked in my class and i don't remember exact words but something referring to howmy day was going. She made a comment about the game 3 of us were playing a 2 person one so we each were taking turns.
Ok so in this entry T=New Therapist S=Old but still my therapist on maternity leave. Lisa=Culinary Teacher/Person that helps me make it through the week and through some confusions. And also thanks in advance to any one who reads this cause i know it is long as i don't know what.
Well i guess i will start by i cried most of the night only cause it is all just getting jumbled inside my brain these thoughtt's feelings i am having. I mean i could have an outlet for them with T my new therapist but. The fact is my other therapist S is on maternity leave she had her baby Tuesday the 31st. But that still doesn't mean she's coming back soon. I just don't wanna open up to T all for then my other therapist to come back so quick then i might be opening up at the same point and never really get T the new therapist's advice or thought's or whatever she might say.
Well i meet my new therapist this week and it kinda scares me only cause every time i tell about my past the things that i feel hurt me or were bad and shameful. I relive how bad wrong and dirty i felt. I wasn't abused or anything but too early entered into the physical side of life. By my own choice but i feel shameful eventhough my other therapist has said time and time again that it wasn't many young kids get curious and experiment. But i don't regret anything cause i am the woman i am today because of it. Sorry i meant to say girl.
Well here are some updates in my life for anyone who cares or if not whatever. I am switching electives beginning Monday from Cosmotology to Computers. I have caught up on all my make-up work that i owed before end of marking period which is tomorrow. My therapist left last week to go on maternity leave. So now this women who is going to fill in for her until the time where she can return back to her job. So i wrote this new person a note so that i can be comfortable talking in front her. Just asking basic questiond like Favorite Book, Song, Female Artist, Male Artist, Meal. Also to be fair i answered them on the back and just told her all what i just said since we haven't talked in person yet i left it in her mail box at school each staff member has a box.
Well on other news sorry for the long entry. My teacher that i talked about in another entry Lisa well i logged on at school and she was in the room with the computer i was on. I showed her the journal of this girl that had written something dealing with me on here. I felt so scared while she sat there and read it but it was fine. I talked to her it was funny cause the girl talks about me and another girl and she just mixed it up at first. We laughed about it. Then walking out she said that i scared her a little. Then at the end of the day when there was like 4 minutes before we had to leave i asked why she said.
Well i was chatting to this girl i met in a chatroom yesterday and i saw her in the same chatroom today so i imed her and we started talking asking each other questions learning about each other and all. She's mixed too so that made me happy and bi and black so it's like this knockout combonitation all together. We basically like the same things think the same. We learned more about each other just asking question's like Pepsi or Coke Pizza or Chicken Brandy or Monica. Yadda Yadda Yadda you get my drift turns out each time we were very similar it was funny. Then she asked me my sign i'm a Taurus and she's a Scorpio i went to this site of sexual and romance compatibility between signs and ours was like a good match. What it said was nice. I really got on with her good but sadly she lives in Michigan and me in Jersey but she said if she didn't she would definatly look me up. I just was sad only cause it was the best non-sex chat i ever had with a girl that i could connect and she lives in another state.
(I broke the post up this time so it may be easier for you to read.)
Well i don't think you wanna read this but go ahead it is just a little boring stuff and i felt like wanting to write a journal so here it is senseless nonesense. Well i was up till 6:30 am cause i couldn't sleep i have insominia. I love staying up late but it messes with my school or family schedule. Well today i got at 11:01 am to get ready for school but then like after i spent three hours getting ready did my hair put on my new outfit that i got for christmas. all to find at 1:40 that i didn't have school today. I go back tomorrow which thouroughly pissed me off only because i go through a routine every morning and it was for nothing.
WEll hi sorry about all the journals but i really don't feel sorry might bne because of the Champagne but don't worry that's a good thing i always feel too fucking sorry sorry for talking too much sorry for liking a band a movie a food. Something always sorry so someone would like me i am glad i am writing this now so you guys can know the real me that i would have never admitted that part because of me wanting to be liked. Well something funny that happened was that my mother me and my sister which we were watching the Dick Clark special of Rocking New Years Eve. Well they have all these prerecorded performances and she was like is he gay.
Hey i am glad to report my mother is better i am having my third glass of Champagne wonderful stuff. I just want everyone to know i only drink on special occasions like this and not really strong things. But i have to say i am having a great night and i hope you are too only i got down at one moment because of me likeing girls but it was only because i wanted to have a girl to kiss when the ball dropped.
Well it's New Years Eve as everyone knows and mine is a little shakey. It was fiine at first got up ate something had a drink watching the new years eve specials leading up to 12:00 Midnight. Well my mother was out for her job and came back at like 9:30 pm. Then she came back with this big bottle of Champagne to drink at 12:00 Midnight. Well then she got all down because my Aunt isn't picking up her phone.
Well first me my sister mother went to my favorite cousin's house. But lately she has been really distant after her mother my aunt died in 2001. She started to be more with her boyfriend marks family and she got pregnant. But recently she's been calling once and a while saying hi and so on. But what stressed me out was that the whole time she kept talking to her friends that where there and barely said like 15 words consistently together. I was disappointed she knows i am bi but her and all my family are religious you'll know how much when i tell you about my trip over to my Aunt's house. Well it was my Uncle Den My Aunt Denise My cous i haven't seen in forever Cheyenne but we call her Chey for short who loves The Packers like me My Cous Chaz and my Second Cous Rae'Quan. Well at one point they were talking about my Aunt Annie's ex husband Steve who left her after she found out that he was two timing her with a man for years. They are getting a divorce and he is living with his boyfirend. Well they were talking about the child they share together and how he wanted him for christmas morning and she did too. Well my Unc Den was going to get some more coke because all the adults were having rum & coke. Me and my sister since we are twins we are 15 not legal but they gave us coolers not as strong as rum & coke.
Well if you have read any of my other journals i have said about the girl T well i told you how i asked my teacher who i'm close to well i did and i asked her also today if she knew why i asked her that question. As in if T was single. Well she wrote me and said how messed up T's Family Life and head is all screwed up. Not actually the words she used and then how i should sniff up another tree as in look elswhere. Well i agree with her i knew beforehand that she had a lot of problems but i guess i tried to ignore it because i have been feeling very alone this year and last year. Because i don't have people to talk to face to face about girls or gay issues. Whenever i talk to my friend Alyssa and i just without thinking say she's cute or beautiful about a girl in a magazine i notice then i watch what she'll say or do or if she'll comment but then she always changes the subject. Refering to somthing else in the magazine and i know other's don't know so i can't speak to them. I guess i just tried to like T because i felt so alone and that everything i thought felt no one could get. So i thought oh if she's single she proabally doesn't want another gay friend so i went for girlfriend instead.
Well I have recently decided to try and see if a girl in my school is single as in other journal entry's i have said she's a lesbian. Well i have a really close bond with one of my teachers and she said in a note a had written her that "Not That I Know Of." So I am assuming to the best of her knowledge the girl i like is single. I walked in on the tail-end of a conversation the girl i like was talking in. I from now on will refer to her as T. Well it is a Family Planning class. Apparently one of the kids asked if males can fake an orgasm. They all were commenting and T had said yes they can. My teacher told me later that day what i had just written was why T said the next thing. My teacher asked T if she was the male or female in the relationship. Well i was there for this statement T made that come on (insert teacher name) what do you think. I like my women to be feminine like i said she is kinda androgynous. I also found out she has certain issues with being touched and that she has problems with it but that her women were fine and very female and then the guy in the back started playing a cd in a boombox. It was Pretty Woman~Lyle Lovette T said (Pretty Woman Walking Down The Street Like To Smell Her Feet) jokingly with a big smile on made me smile and laugh alot i went back to the room i came from and they didn't know why i was smiling and laughing to myself.
I am right now sitting in my old teachers room typing this. Unfortunately i didn't catch her today so i will try tomorrow but i am going to talk to one of the teachers that i am really close to and find out if she know if the girl i like is single.I might but i am not sure i will see. Back in my classroom this boy me and my friend were writing all over catalog ads on the peopoles faces. Like he kept writing I'm Wet or I'm Horny on the girls faces and I'm Small and I'm Gay I'm Big it was funny.
I love all her songs her unique voice. I don't care what anyone says this woman had greatness the How you can hear the deep sadness in her songs the tragedy. How the pain in her life gave her voice this depth that you could tell what she meant using a certain word and not interpret it any other way. I love that old time sound a little raw and smooth and swaying and the backround vocals blending so perfectly like an angels voice. I love the lyrics to her songs I am going to add a couple in my journal my three favorite songs from her.