Well i am thinking that maybe I should come out to my mother. Really there is nothing stopping me and really nothing that could go wrong if she is the person I think she is. I am going to talk to my therapist Monday about it I just realized that I should do this the only thing holding me back is me. I have the support of many people at my alternative school which is big on emotional helping. I am not coming out just to date someone but maybe by doing this I can finally have some piece of freedom in my soul. So i just wanted to know i know some of you have given advice on other things but i wanted to ask what i should do on certain issues. Like i wondered if it would be ok not to give a definite label to her since i am realizing i don't have really any attraction to men. Also if it's ok to tell her but ask that anything she has to ask me be written or if she has to ask me then i would rather do it with my therapist like a meeting with my mother there. Also if she is ok with it then i was windering is it to fast to want to get involved with going to events or places for gay teens.
Ok so today was Monday as you all know. In my last entry i told you how my therapist wanted me to ask her to talk today as an assignment. Well she was in the hall at my school and i went up to her and said "i have two diffrent times you can talk to me since Monday is on of my busy school days". Then she tells me she has to leave at 3:00 pm today so we weren't going to meet but she said tomorrow. So i was walking back to my class and all of a sudden i feel someones arms around me and i hear laughing. Then all of a sudden i figure out it's Tara my therapist. I mean she scared the i don't know what out of me but lets say i was jumpy and nervously laughing for like an hour later. Well when she grabbed me she said she was proud of me because i was supposed to do this as an assertiveness assignment. So it was just because i told her about my wanting to be held and other kinda things that go with that but i didn't mention that since i have those issues it ties into me being hugged without warning. So i am going to tell her all of this tomorrow when i meet with her. It was just a weird day.
Well i talked to my therapist today and at first i was working up the courage to start talking of my attractions to her and my teacher Lisa. Well i talked about how i was ashamed and all that i am young and see them as beautiful. Well we talked about how i shouldn't feel bad because it wasn't wrong that she thinks Lisa's pretty. She thinks that other girls at my school are pretty she said also maybe i feel that way because i may take it a little farther than thinking they are pretty in my mind.
Ok so in school yesterday this new girl Lauren we were really hitting it off talking about how she saw my myspace page. Then she takes out her phone and ask me to put my number in it. Well the best thing she called but sadly my phone was charging so i missed the call. But the best part of it all was that she left this totally outrageous message like she was really energetic. She was like Hi Alexis my name it's Lauren i just wanted to say your voicemail is so cute because you told me to have a great day and i was having a bad one now im not just wanted to call and say what is up call me back goodbye.
Ok so i talked to my therapist Tara and we talked about a letter i wrote and gave to her explaining my attraction to her and how i felt since she didn't say anything contradicting certain statements i said she thought it was sick. But she said that it was just silence and didn't mean that she thought it was bad. We also talked about maybe me trying to find a job not as close to my house or town so i could travel on the speedline down the street of my house and just something that would be good for me. I don't know how to take the train though well meaning as what stops to get off at. We talked about shows and i talked about how i was pissed and sad they killed off Dana on The L Word. She said if there where any big celebrites we talked about that show for a while and she said that i should let her borrow it sometime. So i am going to watch the whole season tonight and give it to her tomorrow and i hope she enjoys it. We also talked about my being more at ease with talking to older people than teens my age at my school and things but it was a nice talk and i thoroughly enjoyed it.
Well it is 6:29 a.m. and i have been up since like 5:00 p.m. Sunday. I just finished watching Walk The Line. I have to say in my opinion that was very powerful and a love like there's made me think so much if i will ever have one like that. I mean i have thought this on many seperate occasions. Everytime i feel a deep sadness thinking of this. I just feel like all the things holding me from being the real me dating searching for my true soulmate. It's easy to just hide away and ignore that i need to do something to change it so i have to pay attention to those feelings or soon i may be unable to truly recognize when they come along. Well really all i'm saying is i am scared i will never find that one the true love of my life. I know i am young and proabally shouldn't worry about this at this time but seriously if i don't take charge of my life then i may as well be in a coma or something. I am proabally exaggerating i should really get some sleep since i have to go to school in some hours. I just can't help to think i should stay up and think for some reason. I know i think way to much about things but that is me it's weird but it is kind of a comfort to think of things. Like an order to the chaos or things that suddenley just pop up. I dream alot of the day when i can wake up in the arms or in the same bed of that one that makes all the pain stop with one look in their eyes.
Well ok today was ok except i had noone to talk to then gym rolls around this is like 4:30 pm or a little later. For anyone that doesn't know i go to an alternative school. I go to the 2-6 afternoon program. Anyway gym rolls around i forgot my sneakers i am wearing high heels so i can't play volleyball. This is my schools version of volleyball with a rainbow colored beach ball. I actually wanted to really play today opposed to other days. Well since i didn't have my shoes i had to do the stationary bike well my therapist her name is Tara. I love that name it is so beautiful i love saying it Tara. Well if you don't see yet i do have a little thing for her but i have already told her this you know for the whole honesty since she can't tell anyone by law. Getting back to what i was going to say before i was side tracked. Tara turns around because i am up on the stage where all the gym equipment machines are. She is putting down her keys and water and says "if i play are you going to cheer for me". Well i just nodded and then said yes which i know she didn't hear.
Well like I said in my last entry that no one commented on. LOL J/K. Anyway I talked about a girl named Lauren who is gay well at first she was very standoff-ish which I understand new school just got kicked out of my house for being gay. So now she is opening up and being friendlier with me also. Well today I talked to her for a bit today. We were cooking cause there is a kitchen at our school and a Culinary Teacher. Well she was very nice we talked about this book I keep reading a million times over. Keeping You A Secret, which I am sure most of you know. Well I didn't explain what the book was about there cause I didn't want everyone to think I am crushing on her because everyone in that kitchen except her know that I am bi. So we just talked about music and I was listening to Bow Wow. She was like my sister always gets mad at me for saying Lil' Bow Wow and she's like it's Bow Wow. Which was funny then we were talking about dancing and how her friends and sisters call her a floor whore. Which I had to laugh at cause I could imagine her doing her thing at a club.
Ok so i am sorry but this is a long entry but i don't expect you to read it all so i will just make a cut-off line or splitter whatever to show what i want you to comment on.
Well my school is rather alternative with classes work the way they do things. Well there is this new girl there she is gay she is very open about it well now i am caught between giving her notes to this girl who rides my bus and i am sorta friends with. Apparently she like Lily as more than a friend right now. I know Lily and she told me she's bi like me. Well i heard from Laren when she was speaking to someone else that Lily just want's to be friends. My only thing is if i should keep doing the whole passing notes from one another being the inbetween person. I don't wanna know what's going on or anything but i don't want to one day give her a note or Lily a note and then one of them blows up at me without me really even knowing what's going on.
So basically i am going to talk to my therapist tomorrow and see if she can help me figure out why i keep latching(emotionally) on to older women. See if she can also help me to get the confidence to start and seperate myself from being dependant emotionally to my family. So that i can start living my life for me and not for them and to try and make sure they are ok. So i know that these aren't big problems and are really stupid but they are my problems.
I mean i say this because i hardly do anything. I was on MySpace i know what some of you think of it and to be honest i mostly joined and made one for social conformity. All the other students at my highschool have one and use it frequently. I have made one and i realise that i hate my life no friends no enjoyment except that i know a tv schedule days i watch a certain show time and even if i don't watch that i know when it's on. I just feel so unworth this soul life i am given. I hardley even use it i mope around my house all weekend and eat sleep. When i want to be doing so much more with my life.
Well long story short he said any girl that fully likes women quote from him "tits ass and all is someone i can hang wit". God that makes me so happy i am so estatic cause this boy is like the first guy friend that has been a friend. Doesn't want any sexual thing from me we just joke around talk and hang around. God i feel so alive and happiness is flowing through me at this moment which it wasn't throughout the day.
Well in almost every one of my journal's i have talked about Lisa my Culinary Teacher at school also just a person that helps m eout in talking to me when i'm down and being there just if i need a hug. Well Thursday at the end of the day after gym. Everyone could see that i was visibly upset. Because i walked out my classroom which many kids do at my school unnoticed. I hid infront of a door down the hall from my class and sat there crying. I got up after a while and went back to my class Lisa had returned from where she went and my teacher was like cause Lisa is the Teacher Aide. "Are you ok cause you look sad." I said i was but she didn't believe me and everyone knows that i talk to Lisa about most of my problems. So she was like to Lisa take her into one of the other empty classrooms down the hall and talk to her.
(That Was Meant To be A Little Sarcastic For Any Of You Who Couldn't Tell)
Well it seems as if when i was ranting on and on about not having any gay friends or knowing any. What do you know they start coming out of the woodwork. Like for instance now in my school program there are 4 other bisexual girls. I mean i haven't talked to any of them about them being bi cause i don't really want to talk to them about it then they out me to the whole school. I might talk to this girl that rides my bus Kristina we hit it off good pretty much. She is way more outgoing and everything but i will test the waters and see if any harm will come from talking to her about it.
Okay soi am going crazy here at home i have no real friends that know what my true self is and i never am able to let go i keep gaurded waiting for that moment i will be found out and just rejected. I need to know what some of you do to have fun get out where you guys have gone to meet new people. I need to have a way to stop sitting at home dwelling on things i have no control over.
Also on some aspects of things i really just need to start getting out there into something dealing with gay teens or gay community things in general. My sisters school has a gsa but sadly mine doesn't cause it is an alternative school. I would just think it would be great to interact with others who understand what i feel or think. I have this one girl at school i hangout with but she isn't really a close friend because it seems as if she just tolerates my liking girls. Like we are just sitting there and then she'll start talking about a sexy guy on a poster or in a magazine. Then i say something like oh she's beautiful or she has great eyes. She completely ignores it and keeps acting as if i never said anything or if i am talking about a gay celebrity or some gay show or some news. She looks so bored and irritated.