I feel so lost and the fact is I don't know how I came to be lost. I don't understand much anymore I just go on with ny day wake up dress talk walk work sleep without knowing why is it I do all these things. I'm trying to find out why but I keep losing the battle I don't understand anything really I know this all sounds like some pshyco babbly but really I think i'm losing it. My mind is spinning I keep having these spur of the moment being very freaked out and crying panicking freaking out almost not knowing who I am. I always wonder why this or that I need to know why I do the things I do I'm so scared all the time.
Well haven't written an entry for month's now haven't felt emotionally good but i need some support in my life that right now since im not in school I don't have. I miss the people I can only be around during the school year so much that I have stopped calling my friends and just been so down. I have been trying to bring myself up im looking for a job no luck though which doesn't upset me because they are valid reasons why I can't work at those establishments.
I miss her so much i used to write here but haven't in so long just didn't feel able to write my feelings down but since now im feeling so lonely ditached from the world. All I know is I need to have her near to me again hear her laugh see that warm smile. Those eyes that caught mine and made me feel safe. Those of you who don't know this is only my friend older who's helped me in my life alot since i met her. I feel so lost without her incomplete.
I just can't stop thinking of my teacher the one i love as a friend she has helped me so much and in an effort to try and be less dependant and non-reliant on her emotional needs and my therapists. I declined to go to summer school which i usually go to just to be able to talk and just be around her. She has been my guiding light the one who helped me out of that dark tunnel. The first person who made me feel loved unconditionally and actually loved back for the first time. I have known her for 3 years now and its hard not being able to talk to her because everyday we would have a small or whatnot conversation. All my friends have been busy so i am left sitting at home thinking of all the people i miss.
Alexis jumped into lake all about Tuesday afternoon...bing bang Alexis saw the whole gang dancin in the lake they were doin the macarena...LOL
Ok so today my school took us to this man made lake well me and my 2 other friends diddn't bring suits cause we don't wanna show all our chub-chub as we have been calling it. Well our other friend did and she didn't want to swim alone so my other friend fully clothed said she would only if I and my other friend did also now were talking jeans shirt bra underwear the whole enchalata. Well we went in but only up to our waist. I kept tellin them not to get my hair wet. Another reason I didn't want to go swimming because well i'm half black my hair is thick. So if I get it wet it gets nappy as hell. Well its going good just standing in the lake talking. The all of a sudden this boy josh our friend came up and made this big splash.
She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody
She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
He took it well he said to follow my heart and I said I always will. It feels weird but ok he's going to help me tell my mother. I am going to go to bed now just wanted to say that after wanting this for 3 years i'm finally going to be out to my parents all in good time. I am listening to Ottis Redding's Stand By Me. I am thinking i'm glad my father is standing by me. I can't wait for the day I don't have to really hide the fact that oh i'm going with my friends to this gay teens thing or whatever when I have a date with a girl she doesn't have to come over as a friend. Just those things maybe even just being able to meet more girls that are gay. Well goodnight hope you have a good memorial day weekend.
Well I just got finished talking to my friend on aim and she told me tomorrow is going to be her last day at my school because she is droping out. I have to say I feel really shocked and confused I mean it was out of the blue totally unexpected to me at least. I mean we really didn't know each other very well but still I was on my way to it. We were becoming closer every single day. I mean it just throws me for a loop I really wanted to get to know her and I still could.
Well the feeling I have been having for almost 2 and a hlaf weeks is onfused and lost. I mean because of things with the first person I actually felt loved me back. Oh by the way this isn't someone that i'm romantically involved with its sorta a friendship but not. I mean I showed them what I wrote in a past entry on this site. They had mixed feelings about it. I attached to them and kind of lean on them and they make me feel safe that's part of the reason I love them so much. I just know that how I feel for them and how I felt them feel for me was the first like your first love thats how it kind of feels to me like my first real love despit eit being romantic or gf/gf.
I feel so sad right now I don't know why I want to be held I just want to be loved and the people I know do aren't here right now with me and it really saddens me. I just want to be in there arms and start to cry I just want to feel loved I am not having a good day. I just want them to hold me but there not here and even if they were they might not even if I asked. I just want to feel better again
Well I haven't put a journal entry up since April tenth. So I figured nows as good a time as any to make myself known again. For starters I had a girlfriend for a week which wasn't my intention for it to be short. I just noticed through getting to know her after deciding we wanted to be together she wanted diffrent things from a relationship that wasn't going to work out. For instance she wanted to be taken care of which I get and would love to do but she wasn't into it going both ways not as much as I do. I mean I would have loved to care for her but I need to be cared for also. Also she didn't think that a relationship with me would entail as much as it did emotionally. So that's one.
That song by Frankie J makes me cry so much it's what I want all these people saying they love me not romantically but friend child sister niece whatever saying those words. The only thing I ever think is why don't you people ever hug me to show it you always say it like saying it will be enough. That's why when I am told I Love You I really only believe it from one person. Lisa my culinary teacher she knows me better than anyone. She knows that I need a hug alot because that is really the only thing to comfort me make me feel at peace for a couple moments in my life.
(Before you judge me on this entry read it please)
God I Love that movie it's probably the only time when I was a child I felt like one. I know the words to all the songs in the movie I know which scene is coming up next. I can enjoy it with the same joy that I did then. It's the only thing that when I watch I can't help but feel happy. God I love that movie I just do and i'm not ashamed of being 15 and loving it. It has a special memory attached to it. My Aunt when me and my twin where little used to take us to this children's school.
Those are my favorite parts from this song from Ne-Yo it's just such a great song I Love It.
When you get to fussing (cussing)...
Yelling and throwing things
I just wanna eat you up
I don't mean no disrespect
When I start staring
Knowing that it makes you mader
I'm sorry that seeing you mad is so sexy
I Love That Song I am Listening To It So Much Since I Heard It Tonight It's Addictive To Me.
Well trying to come out to my mother. Talking to my therapist about that. also went to Philadelphia today. Philly to all the people over in my state or near it. We went and took pictures I will post in front of the big statue of Benjamin Franklin. Went to the bodyworks exzibit so that was a little unsettling. Because they had this woman there with a baby in her whom and it was just sad that they died. All the defects of the little babys. They had this one guy that was a Basketball Player and it kinda freaked me out. Well one thing that I hated about it was that all the other kids kept pointing out that there was the guys penis and testicles. Also that one of the mens penis was sliced in half as to show the inside and how each half of your body is diffrent. Well that was the immature part of my day.