Well i haven't posted in a long time but see I don't kno how to deal with this my first breakup. I was datin a girl whos 22 now we live 2 hours away but with her situation in this country and me being 17 it was hard to see each other. Well she finally fuckin told me that she just wants to be friends and this bullshit scapegoat about how were in two different stages of life and shes passed the one im in. I don't see how that makes it that you can't be with me. Now she let me and her go on for a whole fuckin month without tellin me and during about 3 or 4 weeks of that month she didn't call me at all. Now she tells me that she didn't want to hurt me how can that be she never gave our relationship the shot that i did. She just focused on every moment that wasn't good. When she was breakin up with me she's sayin all this sweet stuff i love you baby and all this stuff that just makes me want to i don't kno how can u tell me everything u like about me and how u love me when u don't want to be with me. Also she says that shes in the real world and im not like my job and me being in college isn't as much of real life as her just having her job. i just am so pissed about the fact that while i was hurtin missin her those weeks she was able to have fun with her friends and all these people took me to call and leave a message for her to return a call and finally tell me that she doesn't care anymore. it fuckin blows i was there for her and gave her everything she asked for and yet all she could see where the things that still strained our relaitonship she expects me to just get over her at the drop of a fuckin pin. i kno her feelings changed i can hear it in her voice the way she talks to me now so dull no emotion no nothing in her voice anymore always sounding kind of annoyed to be talking to me.

She said she has to find out if she'll be able to go. I really want to go with her even if its just as friends cause shes so much fun,exciting,lively right. Well she hasn't got back to me as of now 2:21am lol. Ahh... well if she says no its saving me lots of money. Except I don't give a shit about the money. I want the experience of doing something fun for a change.

Well its my birthday but it hasn't started out good first of all fought with the women that gave birth to me and my twin sis. So things are a little tense. Secondly Iwasn't excited in the first place about turning another year older cause i don't feel the age i turn anyway. Oh well im going to try and enjoy it to my hearts content. I was born at 6:04pm so i guess maybe when it hits that time I can get over the depressed feeling that came apon me. Well wish me a good bday.

Tell me what you think of the girl I asked to my prom she's gonna wear a tux she said if she happens to say yes.

I have to work my normal 2 days this week add on 4 days. My work just keeps sucking me into extra shifts they are masters at guilt trippin. I try to resist i tell them no and then after a couple hours when im run down tired they ask again. No ask again in a little bit i'll think about it. Then unfortunatly here I am i'll work. God I feel like all I do is keep running.

I shouldn't have taken the shifts in retrospect now because I have this essay to get into this College program here. In some ways I think I use it all as an excuse because I know that if I get into this program I won't be going to school with friends. The teachers that helped me so much at the school i'm attending now I would miss dearly even though I know I have to move on I don't know if i'm ready to. Life is such a mystery and a neverending cycle sometimes.

Lexi

Ok so I saw/kinda met this girl tonight when I went out bowling with some people from work. She's so hot she's got this nice apple bottom. Only thing that might stop me from gettin with her if she doesn't turn me down. For her being straight is that my friend beat up her friend. Thats bad aint it. Oh well if she doesn't turn me down then i'll deal with that. But realistically I think it won't be remotely possible with her because lets face the facts her myspace is decked out with hot shirtless guys,and alot other straight stuff. Oh....well at least she was nice and talked to me for a bit.

Lexi

Okay so today was a good day my school took us bowling i sucked but that was already a fact of the day yet known at the time. I at least won one game against alot of my other class mates so yayyy.

Me and my friends were listening to the song in my title today in computers and were all looking at each other and were like how the hell did this become a hit. Cause I mean its really only la la la la...ya know.

I am now getting back on good terms with one person that I really betrayed kinda hurt. Well long story short had a funny video involving me another of my friends and said person. I didn't have room to load on my computer so uploaded to youtube forgot to make private. They found it from some other assholes at the school stiring trouble.

They got upset came to me said i invaded their privacy and i felt so bad i like broke down that day literally bawling tears. Oh well im moving on but it still hurts when I think of it.

So it is my friends birthday on Sunday and we had a little thang at school for her then I kicked her ass in bowling. We had a good time it was nice to see her smile she's been down for a while.

Ok i'll stop now cause well its getting/already very long so umm...if any of you happen to read this how are you in bowling?

Lexi XOXO

So everyone has been telling me they think my bestfriend who is supposedly straight has a crush one me. Here's the problem though I don't have feelings for her. I mean its not permanent yes or no but ive seen signs and everyone which is like 20 people are telling me that.

I just wanted to know if something comes up and she says/does something or I confront her what is the best way to respond. See cause she's the first person who was a real friend to me. I don't want to loose that but I am sure that I can't be in that type of relationship with her.

Also the only other thing is I understand that just because im gay I don't have to or do like every girl I meet. Its just im experienced at falling for girls and the one who kinda is in the drivers seat and that makes me feel a lil' obligated to have feelings for her even though I don't.

So whatever advice you guys can give me or just personal experiences that would really help me.

Lexi

P.S.
I'm kinda touchy feely with my friends kinda especially her since i've known her so long and she's helped me so much.

Well lately at school it seems as if I can't concentrait on my school work case in point being that I have grammar spelling problems. Math is going ok being that its General Math. Nothing hard or time consuming yet I only do like one page a day should be doing more. History and Science I haven't been doing at all I don't know why. I try to get back in the swing of things and I stop suddenly again. Like I don't know what or how I can get back.

I keep trying to connect with people even on a friend level emotionally and it doesn't work. Part of me thinks its me. Then theres this other part that understands that they might already have someone they connect like that to. Also that maybe their not just ready yet to have a connection like that or that they can't open up. Their guarded.

I don't know but if I don't find a way to get myself put back together back to the old me that handled all her responsibilities but also keeping part of the new me. I just feel as if I have to choose between being old me that did her work but everything else she didn't like about herself. Or the new me that doesn't do anything is basically a loser and going to end up nothing but now has friends.

I just don't know.

Lexi

Well haven't written anything that meant something in a long time.

I don't this will be one of those either but i'm just looking for that old feeling thats no longer there. That feeling of being connected to someone. I don't know but i haven't really been looking but i feel it there underlying the beat of my heart.

I think maybe its because there's this girl that i was flirting/trying to be with. Unfortunately over the break my school had for the holidays guess what happened. If you guessed correctly then she is now dating someone. I missed my window of oppurtunity.

Now its all alone again with no gay friends and friends who try the best they can but can't understand why its harder for me to get out there. I mean given im not out im not outgoing. Im not a very physical person either so alot of the girls i meet feel sex is so important while me on the other hand prefer the emotional.

Well I guess that was my ranting done and over till next time.

Lexi

I Love All Of You even if we never met so happy new year hope its good to ya.

Ok so right now i am in the morning program of my school. There are two programs day and night(a.k.a 2-6). I have heard so much shit talked about the 2-6 while ive been here I mean they don't even know us yet they say all this shit. I got my chance to tell them that though. I don't think it'll change what they think though. Its been a good day though so far i really like the changing of the classes. But i know that when it comes to where I belong people wise the 2-6 is my home.

Love,
Lexi

She's gone again and feels as strong and painful as before:-(

I thought it would be easy her coming back to be a sub therapist for 2 days but it wasn't. It feels just like when I found out that she was gone from this branch of the school no goodbye no nothing. All emails sent went unreplyed. No word of them when she returned not one. God I thought it was gonna be so easy I thought I dealt with her leaving but I didn't. She acted as if it was okay too didn't even adress the issue. It was so busy both days though that I couldn't talk to her.

I mean I know people knew her longer than me and that my issues that we dealt with weren't as important as others. She was just one of the only people that I felt ever got who I am. I had the best conversations with her that I think will have to be compared with many other conversations. I know i'll be fine but it will just take time time to let her go again. It happened again no goodbye tiptoing around her not being there again. I guess its just going to be bottled up locked away.

Love,
Lexi(ready to cry a puddle but pulling together to fake happiness)

I fucking love my school. Ok so I didn't have to curse but I am in such a happy mood that a curse feels like the only word powerful enough to explain what seeing my therapist that left to go to another branch of the school. I loved it she was so nice like I remember her and she said I seem alot happier and I am kind of. I loved seeing her god I can't wait till tomorrow she's coming back to sub for another therapist tomorrow. I am on cloud 9.

She cut her hair but she looks just as beautiful as when she left and that smile so infectious cute I loved seeing it again and hearing her voice. God today was like one of the best days i've had in month's I love this school for letting me meet these people. I Fucking Love My School!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Lexi(bouncing off the walls)

I came out to the girl who trained me tonight at work it was wonderful she doesn't care we talked a bit about it and joked about it. Its a nice feeling because they all kept going on about guys and never to get married and she did it alot and tonight i just told her and it was great. I felt alive a rush of adrenaline pulsed through my veins. Its so freeing exhilirating god tonight i'll sleep good.

On another note my mom knows im gay she found a note i haven't confirmed it but she has talked to my therapist about it because she knows i don't want to be confronted about it. I will in my own time though talk to he about it.

Im going to bed now goodnight don't let the bed bugs bite sweet dreams to everyone..............:-)

God I love this women this women that is 29 years older than me. It doesn't seem it I love her as a friend but now I notice that there is that little part that loves her as a lover in a sense. I am just her friend and that is the best thing to be because today she made my world my day the best of days. I missed her so much and now that she's back in my life im better than ever i'm alive again. She brings a smile to my face makes the songs that made me sad because she wasn't there happy yet still remember those moments of sadness. I love her with my soul and mind and I just had to say that.

Love,
Lexi

OMG...I'm so happy/scared I got my first job today as a cashier and I am excited but I am scared of messing up I hope I can do it. I mean I passed pre-algebra and algebra and this only simple math but I struggled through those math classes. I am just scared the register learning that peice of cake but keeping track of not going over or under my starting amount is really stressing me out.

Do any of you have any suggestions or have any of you been a cashier can you tell me your experience? Well if you do thanks I am just worried is all first job jitters now only to be able to stay awake 8 hours straight and talk to strangers which terrifies me i have social anxiety guess I have to overcome that.

Lexi