it's been one hell of a past few weeks. first the nation wide attention to the suicides, then two kids i knew in school commit suicide, all in the same week i had been having depressing and suicidal feelings.
Shit seems like it keeps getting worse. matt, RIP man. we may have had our differences in school, but 21 is too young. same with you luke. RIP guys.
a loong time since ive entered anything here.
been a looong two weeks as well. failing classes. can't get up to make them. bike is toast, ovalized head tube.
been depressed as hell
suicidal as hell,
dad's 64th bday today
sister had to make a mess of it. being a total bitch, telling me i owed her money i already paid her and shit
deleted my facebook acct, too annoyed w/ it currently, and now, i am done for awhille.
was supposed to start my meds again today, but failed to make it to the pharmacy,
fucking going out of my mind again,.
hell. on wheels.
nah, just kidding. it was awesome. i finally picked up my trail bike for the first time in a few months and went riding @ 3 am the other night when i was depressed, and i forgot how well riding and getting endorphins flowing through your body can help.
I felt a little sketchy today jumping in the bike park, but by then end of the day, was back hitting some pretty size-able jumps (15-22 feet) and was getting fairly comfortable in the air.
So about two months ago now,
My sister and her bf of two years or so, sprang the announcement on us. They are getting married! in two months! awesome! happy for them, as anyone would be!
but....i hate weddings...absolutely dread them.
they just remind me of what i want outta life and can never have. a wife, kids, the whole nine...for a hetero.
so, the other night, the groom's parents fly in and invite me out to dinner w/ the family. I had never met them. fine. I agreed to go to dinner.
for a 6500$ bike....
should i do it??? or no. haha, this has to be a terrible joke.
...aaah, weddings. for most, the happiest time of their lives...
...for me, just another reason to get drunk on other people's coin, sit back, and watch others blissfully express their love and dance on the dance floor.
the other night, my friends n and c made it official. they finally tied the knot. not because they found out n was prego, but because they had ben planning it for about a year, and were finally ready to make it legal before they move to mexico.
my other friends got married about three weeks back.
from dune...if only it was easier to actually do and live by
“I must not fear. / Fear is the mind-killer. / Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. / I will face my fear. / I will permit it to pass over me and through me. / And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. / Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. / Only I will remain.” - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, Dune
kind of a follow up rant to my last journal...but....
my depression/ bi-polar as of late has been getting much, much worse.
to the point that it is affecting my work life, school and everything in general.
i mean, i am so depressed, ive been going days w/o sleep, missing class due to sleeping thru alarms due to lack of sleep.
no desire to do anything or see anyone.
memories totally keeping me from what i want to do...flashabcks id rather not have. that kinda shit.
i actually just thought david beckham was hot...normally, when i see him, all his tats and shit in underwear ads or on tv or w/e....i dont find myself liking the guy.
i just saw him on the tonight show, and was like Damn! this person is hot! who is he? had to wait til the end to find out. lol.
i should already be dead or am going to die soon. i have 3/4 eqrly death factors. fuck.
guess i gotta start hitting the gym, eat better, and quit drinking. fuck.
I can't find the link, but I heard something in regards to referundum-71 and the groups against it attempting to overturn it tonight...apparently the state supreme court is talking about giving out the personal information of voters and how they voted on the issue in an effort towards making their decision on whether or not 71 is constitutional.
idk about you guys, but i thought this kind of info was supposed to stay confidential...
I almost feel too old for oasis now...and yet somehow not. hell, i doubt anybody other than tophat, draco, lore, and max remember me. I mean, I am 21 years old now, yet I still haven't really been in a normal relationship or been able to really get to the point where i can accept who i am. recently I have been having a lot of bad depression...really bad. like shit i shouldnt talk about on this site bad....but its been getting progressively worse, almost to the point it was when i was a kid.
I know jeff will say get over it, ya love cock, and all that shit, but still...
as of today, im officially legally, a full blown adult.
i can now go to clubs, drink beer, and go to all those adulty-type events. haha
so tongiht, for my birthday, this kick ass metal band, actually my favorite ever, is playing.
i got tickets for me n a friend. a few friends are going, one is the club managers younger sis, whihc is cool, since that will mean no doubt free or discounted drinks :)
So, as of lately, I find myself back in the same hole as i was two years ago.
I want sooo badly, more than anything else, to be straight. only problem is, i am gay.
I dont advertise this to the world however, and see myself as jsut a normal average, everyday kinda guy.
this however, presents many problems. People expect straight guys to have girlfriends @ some point.
So lately, ive actually had two girls tell me they really like me, and i kinda like them, personality wise, but there's nothing there sexually.
I had an amazing weekend! I went to mt hood oregon for the national DH and fluidride cup #3 race w/ my team and one annoying kid we brought along for gas $$$.
for the last four years, i have been telling my buddy mike i would make it down to hood river to ride, and i finally have! i am soooo stoked on that place now!
we rode these trails called post canyon on friday earlier in the day, and it was epic! fast downhill runs, shuttle-able riding, gap jumps, drops, cross country! everything a mtn. biker could want :).