sucks...and so does being insane...and not functioning properly, feeling like shit all the time...smoking and drinking to feel something, when u feel nothing else....god man, my life as of late sucks...my dad is more suicidal and confused and depressed than ever, as am I...kinda that hopeless, sinking feeling...like the soundgarden lyric...' feeling that I'm sober, even though I'm drinking, well

Damn it...so on my local trails, there has been this old trail section that a few of the guys I ride w/ cleared...and then a neighbor of mine took over and just when they started to build some really sweet mountainbike terrain and stunts...like almost professionally made...I'm talking hundreds of hours into the trail...a bunch of horse shoe tracks left in the trail...I was just out there yesterday

So we are entering my FAVORITE time of year...aka valentine's week...the week when the entire world completely revolves around happy, heterosexual couples and the heterosexist world we live in...And as usual, it is hella depressing because love is an emotion I don't really know and personally, I don't think I will ever know...

hardcore....I mean, I usually get a little depressed around the holidays, but tonight, for what ever reason, it hit hard. I started feeling all suicidal and shit, thinking about my friend's sister who committed suicide two weeks ago, all the deaths in our school in the last three years (total of 9 or 10, not counting the two suicides @ the junior high last year).

so today was my 18th birthday...and it sucked. none of my friends called me, left a comment on myspace or even remembered it...on top of that , I woke up this morning and w/in five minutes of waking up, I began vomiting...so I basically threw up twice and felt like shit the entire day, and slept in all day...some birthday...lol. And I can't do anything fun because I have wayy too much homework. this day sucked...the only semi-good part about it was getting my gift to myself, a new bike, in the mail.

So yeah, I am officially an adult now...so I went and bought myself a victory cigar, for making it this far alive...lol. But seriously, now I am a legal adult and that sucks because that means alot more responsibilities...lol.

What happened to the ability to see who else was/is online? As soon as you put the ads by google thing up, that ability to tell how many guests/users were online and who was online went away. so are you going to get it working again?

So jeff, I tried to add oasis to my page on myspace like a week ago, and u got added, so did david, but oasis did not. and I know, ur supposed to put magazine as the last name, so what's up w/ that?

My 18th birthday is the week after next, and I have to say, I am not really looking forward to it. My mom invited my whole family over for a 'surprise' party, which she accidentally mentioned to me today.

Anyway, you're supposed to feel good aout 18, right? I mean, it's supposed to be like a huge rite of passage, and yet, it doesn't seem like that to me. Honestly, I am surprised I have lived to see 18. I just don't think it's all the hype it was made out to be all these years, you know? All I'm gonna get out of celebrating it is questions from my uncle about what I want to do w/ my life now that I'm an adult, more hours, and later ones at that-at work, less time to do homework at night, and therefore, just a lot of stuff. Also, my friends will be begging me to buy them cigars and smokes, which is odd, because I don't smoke.

So this week has been an awkward one. First off, we only had two days of school due to about 6 inches of snow and an inch or so of ice on the roads. Second, I have been dealing w/ a lot. My dad is finally being forced into an assisted living home by the VA doctors that treat him (I'm amazed he's going along w/ it) and he has been talking a bunch of his usual nonsense and telling us to do all these things that make no sense at all to anyone but him.

So recently, a lot has been going on with me. My anti-depressants don't seem to be working anymore, my delusions and temporary loss of sanity moments are coming back, and pressure to get my grades up and do well in school/apply for colleges is getting to me.

My Dad is getting really depressed/angry/sad that I stopped talking to him-I know it;s cruel, but so was the shit he would say and do to my sister and I our whole lives, both physically and verbally (over the phone). All any conversation with him ever turns into is another repeat of the last one. Always bitching about people betrating him, his father's attempts on his life, who he'd like to kill, etc. It's all a bunch of bullshit.

Okay, so David already knows what I'm gonna ask, but I need some help. Today, a good friend, my old best friend, asked me if I liked another friend, and asked if I'd go out on a date w/ her...the problem-I'm gay. And The Girl's second to last relationship, the guy ended out being gay as well, and it broke her heart, though she got over it and they are now good friends. However, I don't want to come out and I don't want to break the girl's already saddened heart yet again, so What should I do? Go out w/ her a few times and then break it off??? Tell her the truth? I just dunno what to do. any advice would be appreciated. David, I'm still waiting for your myspace response dude...

So, I am having a hard time lately...just dealing with life in general.

I have been depressed as hell just thinking about the fact that I am gay, what effect it is going to have on my life and various other things. I am just really, really confused right now...I don't know...and the other day, in 3rd period, I was staring @ this attractive girl, knowing that I am gay (kinda wishful thinking) and I found myself attracted to her...I began to go back into the whole, " maybe I'm bi thing, though in reality, I'm 99.9% sure I'm gay...

I'm an alcoholic...according to the state of washington's bullshit definitions...now i know that i may drink when i have access to alcohol, but since i usually don't, i don't consider myself an alcoholic...apparently, according to the state of washington, if you have ever had more than four beers in a day in high school, or more than two shots of hard-a, you are considered an alcoholic, just by the fact that you are underage...bullshit...I'd be an alcoholic, but that shit is just too damn hard to get...

Go see it...funny as hell