were we ever gods
or just mortal fools?
was there ever a time
when we made the rules?
or was it built too tall
on a pedestal thin?
had we reason to cry
the day it caved in?
could you taste me,
the strength of a kiss?
was it your heart
that my arrows would miss?
should we call forth a storm
to cover those tears?
or weather this rain
with faith that it clears?

so, i went out with my best friend for her birthday. we went to club where she performed and had a mini birthday celebration. i was already a little bummed cause all my broke friends got her presents and i really couldn't afford to... i know she understands so i got over it quickly. we're getting ready to move in together again so money's really tight. well, anyway, everyone decided to leave rather early and she wasn't ready. she wanted to go club-hopping, so we did. we went to the other bar she works at, the bar she used to work at and then back to the one she works at now... well, from leaving there, we decided to go over to a friends house and give her a piece of cake (seeing as how she was the one to buy it). i'm driving at this point cause she was well on her way to being shitty drunk... and, then of course, we see the blue lights... now, this is where i freak out... i went home (to louisiana) a few months ago and one of the things i intended to do was renew my driver's license, which had expired since i've been in Tn cause i don't have a car, but i do have an ID and usually use that. well, i lost my wallet in LA and just decided to get another La ID and take the test at some point when i get back here. i don't drive at all here, unless it's under these circumstances. so, to make a long story short, i explain all this to the officer, who, by the look on his face, doesn't give a rat's ass. he makes me get out of the car, puts me in the back of his, and checks to see if i have any other traffic violations (which, luckily, i don't) and writes me a citation... i'm mostly upset by this cause i've been really proud of the fact that i've lived this long and never gotten a ticket, when most of my friends and my boyfriend get pulled over at least twice a year. it sucks, 'specially since i wanted to leave early anyway. but such is life, i guess... the worst part of it all was my best friends ice cream cake melted in her lap while the cops where doing their cop thing...

{PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - Adoption is supposed to be a refuge for parentless children, but for Stephen Wells it was a house of horrors.

Since his adoption roughly 15 years ago, Wells says, he has been attacked with a stick and a can of evaporated milk. He says he was handcuffed and tied up and forced to sleep on a cold tile floor in a locked hallway, where he soiled himself because he wasn't allowed to use the bathroom.

Scars mark his wrists from years of restraints. Police say he was denied education, medical care and food, and basically spent his entire life indoors. His home was his prison.

Wells' account surfaced in recently released court documents and interviews that provide a fuller picture of Judith Leekin, the woman at the center of what authorities call a lucrative adoption scheme that stretched from New York City's hardscrabble Jamaica, Queens, neighborhood to sunny South Florida.

Leekin, 62, and originally from Trinidad, used intimidation and violence to control her 11 adopted children for years while earning a staggering $1.26 million in adoptive subsidies, police said.

She has been charged with multiple counts of abuse and could face up to 190 years in prison.

Leekin has pleaded not guilty and denies the allegations. Her lawyer, Mario Garcia, says she loved and nurtured the children, providing them with medical and dental care, and taking them to parks and out to eat.

Much about Leekin remains a mystery. She had two Florida driver's licenses under different last names, along with two Social Security numbers. She had at least seven known aliases.

Investigators have been slowly trying to piece together her life, dating back to her time in Queens, when, according to records, her adoption plan was probably hatched and perfected.

Authorities believe she used four aliases to adopt the 11 children in New York City from 1988 to 1996. She adopted only special-needs children, the ones who brought the highest subsidies _ up to $55 a day, according to the New York City Administration for Children's Services.

She never went to the same adoption agency twice, and she never used the same name. It wasn't until 1999 that New York began requiring fingerprints from prospective parents.

It didn't take long for a pattern of cruelty to emerge in New York.

"They were treated horribly. She treated them mean. It was a shame," David Spence, an old Queens neighbor, told a local newspaper.

Wells refers to his adoptive mother as "evil." He said he was forced to sleep on the basement floor in Queens. Once, Leekin left the house all day and Wells, now 20, urinated on himself, he recently told investigators. An enraged Leekin took a can of evaporated milk and cut his right hand, he said.

Wells, who still calls Leekin "mommy," and some of the others are severely developmentally disabled, a testament to their years of isolation, police say.

His sister, Tracey Wells, said Leekin once punished her by burning her hand on a stove.

After the last adoption, in 1998, Leekin moved to Florida with the kids. Not much later, a rookie child welfare worker came close to catching Leekin after a tip that she was abusing the children.

Leekin simply denied any abuse allegations, hid the children and fled. The Florida Department of Children and Families and New York ACS workers never saw any of the children or their records and closed the case.

In Florida, Leekin lived in a lavishly furnished home.

"Judith Leekin never worked," Claudette Jackson, Leekin's former lover, told police. Apparently she had never even used her oven or dishwasher, police noted after searching one of her two homes in Florida.

Her children, now ranging in age from 15 to 27, suffered in silence and fear.

According to accounts given to police, she would threaten to shoot the children or cut off their heads if they ever revealed her secrets, and once told the children she had served five years in prison for shooting a woman in the head.

Jackson, who did not return repeated telephone messages seeking additional comment, told police that Leekin was "manipulative." Jackson said she could hear Leekin screaming at the children, "cursing at them, the 'whacks' of her hitting them and the cries of the children."

To evade interlopers, Leekin constructed an elaborate surveillance system, which allowed her to keep watch on a closed-circuit monitor, police said. Whenever an unexpected visitor approached, she would hustle the children into a passageway that could be locked with dead-bolts from the outside, according to authorities.

Tracey Wells told police "of being forced to hide in secret rooms when someone would come to the house."

Leekin also created fake report cards to document the children's progress in school, allowing her to keep ACS at bay, according to court papers.

The abuse went on for years until, police say, she abandoned 18-year-old Tracey Wells at a store in St. Petersburg, 200 miles from home. That led to a search of Leekin's house and the eventual discovery of the other kids. Nine are now are in Florida state care.

A 10th youngster, a 19-year-old, was discovered living homeless elsewhere in the state. He remains on his own. He said Leekin abandoned him in 2004.

Some continue to be fearful of Leekin, like Shawn Wells, who turns 28 on Sunday. A police report said an officer had to "repeatedly reassure him that she could never hurt him again."

Police are searching for an 11th foster child, an 18-year-old boy named Shane Graham, whom the children said died in 1999 or 2000.

"Other than his name and date of birth and a nickname, we know very little about him," Port St. Lucie Police Detective Stuart Klearman said.

At this point, not much is clear, but the children are curious.

"They're asking questions _ 'Who are we?'" Klearman said.}

when i was about three, almost four, years old, my mom took in two kids , a brother and sister, whose mom had recently been picked up on drug charges. they were going to be placed with child protection services and my mom was very much against that idea. so, they came to live with us for about two years and i loved it. one of my earliest memories is the three of us playing in the bathtub just before bed. they became like family. my mom treated us all the same; when we were good, we got treats; when we were bad, we got in trouble. we went to day care together... we were inseperable. i still can remember them just as clearly as if it was yesterday. Riley and Hope... my very first friends... they left.. after about two years, they went to stay with their aunt, or another close relative and i haven't heard from them or about them since then. i'm wondering what happened, and after talking to my mom, i'm even more curious. she told me that the relative in question was sort of skeptical about taking care of them and i wonder what kind of life they had. what did they become? did they graduate school? get married? what's happened to them. we were all about the same age, Hope being the youngest and i'm about to turn 26, so it's been over 20 years. god... so much could have taken place in that time. i almost feel bad cause i haven't thought about them in so long, but now i'm nervous. when i read the article in quotes for some reason it brought back all these memories, some i'm not even sure are real; most, extremely fuzzy... the stories i'd heard about what had happened to them still to this day make me sick... i hope they made it out ok... i remember how hard it was, being a kid, being poor, having to grow up way before you're ready. i keep remembering their faces, smiling as we played in the ONE snowfall louisiana has ever had and i want to cry. i know this isn't that well-written but i don't care. i'm angry at what this lady did to those kids. i'm pissed that she got away with it for so long. and i hate the thought that she could have and probably did fuck those kids up for life. but most of all, i pray that Riley and Hope are ok, that they're happy... please...

one more murder
and i can't feel the pain
stab and stab
such pretty bloodstains

one more murder
and i count stars
blow after blow
victim of wars

one more murder
and i close my eyes
swinging, swinging
smile for my cries

one more murder
and i finally die
is this my bliss,
this truth that i lie?

one more murder
and you walk away
kill me again...
just promise to stay

this is sorta like my 'about me' introduction thingie, lol, so i'm gonna tell you a little about myself. i'm 26 (almost 27 :*X). i'm african-american with black hair that turns red in the winter; a gift from my irish grandfather. i love emo music! and i'm pretty alternative, although, now that i think about it, the picture i put up is the one i'm always complaining makes me look preppy... go figure. i'm a reader, and a wannabe-writer. I have an unhealthy obsession with all of the spice girls (yes, even ten years later). i can - and will - talk your ear off about harry potter. i have not yet been to college (see: wannabe writer). i'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy that i don't think i appreciate nearly enough. i have a deep-seeded need to learn everything i can about computers. i'm a TOTAL geek... i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE science fiction/fantasy/manga/yaoi/anime... and i'm not ashamed to admit it :P. and everything else i'm sure you'll learn in time...

so, i titled this 'back to basics...' because the last couple of years i've changed into an almost unrecognizable person. why do i say this? well, let's take a look at the last ten years (briefly, i promise)... age 16: if you went back to 1996, you'd more than likely find me playing a computer game, reading, writing, or something of the sort; normally working on my computer and posting journals on Oasis (yes, i was around in the early days). age 21: i'm still the same, pretty much. working is the only addition to the schedule. age 26: well, i moved to nashville at the age of 22 and this began what i tend to refer to as 'the change'.... i started dating a guy i wasn't really in love with, continued dating said guy for almost 3 years, until HE broke up with me.... looking back on it now, it was probably the closet thing to a regret that i have, but if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have met my current boyfriend so i'm thankful... in a way. i started going out to clubs, bars, etc: i developed a social life. i've made friends with some awesome people.... so, i'm wondering... why am i so much more depressed now than i ever was back then? i keep thinking that maybe i was equally, if not more, depressed back then and it just doesn't seem that severe in hindsight. you know what i mean? i mean, i was really sad, lol. i would cry all the time and create all sorts of fantasy lives... but it all sounds so comforting when i face the reality of being a 26 year old unemployed writer (wannabe)... hmm... this is quickly becoming a jumble of thoughts and trying to sort them out is proving to be frustrating.

i think the point of what i'm trying to say is: i want to get some of that 16 year old back. i know i can't go back to that time and place; i'm not that delusional (and i'm not even sure if i'd want to, to be honest), but i do miss the way i was. i've never out-grown video games, or reading or much else that i used to do back then, but it's just getting harder to get find the time. i'm on a quest, however nerdy that sounds, to find at least a small part of the kid who was perfectly happy sitting under a tree with a good fantasy novel. i miss him more than i ever thought i would and i feel him slipping away everyday that i'm a 'grown-up'... i wanna find him, hang with him for a while... maybe he could teach me a few things... maybe he could show me how to take it back to the basics...