(I've become so antisocial lately... voluntarily. Ever get that? All I've been seeing is my boyfriend, and even now I don't want to see him anymore... for a while. It's fucked up because I get invited to things but I really just want to be by myself, yet at the same time I want more people to keep inviting me to things.

The signs were there when I walked out of the room
You hugged me close and smiled
I didn't think it much

I came back and you were curled up in bed
I asked what's wrong (I don't want crude interpretations)
(so) I'm (so) not patronising

You hugged me close then I saw you were crying
I asked what's wrong (you don't have to tell me, really)
I held you against me
You said 'I-knew-ew-you-d-ne-never-let-t-me-'
And the rest was carried away by imagination

Just a few questions I thought I'd throw out there -

What makes a valid law?

Why do people follow laws? (Separate question if you think about it - this is concerned with reasons for action and not matters of obligation)

Going to a costume party now!

boyfriend = harry potter
me = cho chang LOL

ummmmm

Is english even your first language? Of course we're all speaking english here, but this is the internet - so there's no way to tell. It kind of got me thinking when occasionally Vincent (Magic Fantastic) writes in French, and that's actually his first language. I remember a while ago we had a guy from Romania on this site and his english wasn't very good - but it drew my attention because he tried to express familiar feelings and problems in English, a language that wasn't his own.

Yup.

Thought I'd let you guys know.

Just another follow up in six weeks. That test will be 'conclusive'. But my odds are pretty good now.

Partei bei mein Haus! Bringen Sie alle deiner Freunden bitte!

Fail German... might post another journal later about what I've been up to - but for now such a relief!

Had my blood taken today. For the Six week HIV test.

They'll give me a call tomorrow or next week to tell me the result.

I didn't want to write about it. I don't really write entries anymore. Neither is it the only thing happening in my life. But fuck I am so worried right now - again. So fucking worried. I keep thinking about the related symptoms I have and working out the probabilities - it's a bloody game of numbers.

It's not like I didn't know. In fact I found it amusing. More so I felt a little bit of satisfaction. I knew he wanted me still. I saw the way you tried to dance closer and closer last night. I heard what you said to my friends. I could sense how you craved my attention. I felt your disappointment as I danced with the boy next to me. And you deserved every single bit of it. I will treat you like filth and you should stop coming back. You should see it by now.

Do not ask me for charity. Go away until your bones are clean.

Not even a full day after a week of seeing people and I'm already bored as hell.

I want to party and drink my head off.

Summer school better start soon.

First, Why does Keira Knightley spread her legs like a spider when caught having sex in Atonement?

Also, fantasitic news, Auckland University approved me for second year law. The admission rate of first year law students is less than 20%. Bringen Sie mir eine Flasche Wein bitte! Whoever knows German correct me.

I have problems too. They aren't teenage angst, high school drama, family problems or unrequited mental affairs with painful heartthrobs. It's perhaps a bit harder for you to understand because it's so different. But I'll try, near the start, where it's appropriate. I need to write about it because that's what journals are for - I've been trying to distract myself by listing my achievements and successes in my other entries. But that's unfair. It's not humanising. It's not an equilibirum of give and take, of control and fate tugging at each other. I need to mention the other side.

She, for a minute or two, stood looking at the house and said,
"There's no mistake. Considering the great debt I-"
And the rest was taken away by the wind.

Then she did a little dance, moving her arms in rowing motions, throwing each leg in front of her and stamping down hard.
When the Sun and Moon collide
You, who would be king will have a story to tell.

Yes, but for now pour her another drink - it's a wonderful title (wife)!
Comrade, comrade
She will bear him the Son of France!
"What's it going to be then, eh?"

Four more days until I'm off my PEP medication. It has so many side effects man. I feel so tired, and I caught a flu too... in summer (it lowers both the red and white blood cell count... and its summer in New Zealand). I'm always zoned out, and it kind of gets me in an odd (slightly down) mood. I'm having the 6 week test for HIV around Christmas, and I've got my mind off it for a while. I got back into a bit of German and enrolled in Spanish classes next year. I've been going out heaps (everyday) just to distract myself. Besides the medication it has mostly been good news.

There're such things as vegan condoms?! Like seriously no jokes. My vegan most-likely-to-be-boyfriend told me about them. I laughed for ages until I realised he was dead serious. This is even more bizarre than his all vegan flat (all seven flatmates... jesus christ LOL). I woke up at his one time and they were all in the kitchen making vegan sandwiches together. Man he's outa control.

I can't sleep properly
i can't sleep properly
i keep worrying about my upcoming blood test
and it's like a month away

i'm getting dark circles around my eyes and I'm getting sick
but am i sick because of HIV or because i haven't been getting sleep?
no answer
it's like a month away

this is so painful i'm losing my mind
im losing my mind
someone save me

please