Holidays are so monotonous. Seriously, what is the point of life? Ya, tell me it's all about enjoying yourself, about what you make of it. So I drink, party, hook up with people (only over the weekend at gay clubs, nothing more), gym, meet new people, I have been going out every day, buy new clothing, eat ridiculous amounts of food, sleep, more sleep, walk around the city, try new things like speed which keeps me awake for days, have meetings, get singing lessons from my friend, try to learn german and I have no idea why I am doing all this.

New Zealand election two days ago. Voted for the first time (isn't that exciting). Now we have a right wing government!

I am so scared about my future. I am hedonistic and lost.

You'll never be alone, and you'll always be loved
Maybe you don't really need any more than that

I feel pathetic and ugly

Sometimes when I'm drunk I talk too much
I just can't shut the fuck up

I had the worst nightmares
About teddy bears
About loneliness
About emptiness
Trying so hard, in all the wrong ways

Friends
New ones are just takers and fakers
Old ones are everywhere
But I pretend not to see them

I'm the most spoilt brat in the world

No one will ever make me happy
I thought finding the one was my panacea

I just got back from Wellington. I tidied my room, and I washed the shirt he had left behind for me. It no longer smells like him, just a clean and sanitised smell, plain and predictable.

-----

I had a great time in Wellington. More updates maybe another time.

When I'm drunk I miss him, sometimes, just a little bit.

Like I had looked forward to something everyday, even though it was a constant. Now I look forward to so many different things, but it's just not the same. All constructed within my mind.

I almost want to fall so deep in love I lose myself again.

New things:
1. So exams are officially over.
2. Had a business meeting today. Our company is now legally incorporated. Website under production.
3. Still hungover from last night. But one of the best nights I've had.
4. I am learning French next semester.
5. Do not like Josh anymore, just want to be good mates with him.
6. Realised I want a few close gay friends.
7. Scared of relationships right now. But also don't want meaningless sex. What a dilemma.
8. Going down to Wellington (the capital) over the weekend for a tournament/party.

So we had a smoke outside

And his favourite song came on

So he held my hand

Walked me onto the dance floor

(Like he didn't want to lose me)

Through the crowd

(Onto the stage)

With everyone watching us

(But he's not gay)

What the fuck is going on.

Ever had a song that just describes how you feel even though you know it's just a stupid fucking song?

Mine right now is the one that got away.

Now please excuse me while I proceed and quote meaningless lyrics from a pop song.

In another life, I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away, the one that got away

From now on I tell all.

I will never find love except only the short lived kind.

All in the moment, combustion, it's all gone. Burning like a candle from both ends.

I am so scared of opening up again. That means I don't deserve love.

Somebody save me.

I'm infatuated with a boy.

His name is Josh.

I told him he was cute.

We are getting coffee.

I've just booked my flights to the Philippines and Taiwan over the summer break.

Some of you may know this already, but I'll be in the Philippines over new years for a debating tournament, then I'll visit my parents in Taiwan.

Re Parents:

Dawn already, still dark in this room or is the window a little tinted? An enjoyable night, his eyes look a little tired of insomnia. I turn around to embrace the double bed alone. Will he at this moment early in the morning join me for coffee? He is not him after all, still after love, I heard him say 'we are so similar'. What a curse, for what he lacked, I know once again I couldn't give to him.

*omitted*

Private journal.