Been five days since exams first started.

Today was scholarship english,

Why is the top 3% not good enough?

Just sat my first scholarship exam. Statistics. I know I'll get it. That'll be the top 3%. But I fucked up one question. So I won't get outstanding for it. There goes fucking top 0.5% of the country.

Fucking hate high standards. Some people are happy with just achieving a normal paper. I wish I could be like that.

Time to study for the physics scholarship paper.

In a grumpy mood. Kind of have been for a whole week.

M friends, I am rejoiced; You are glad
I am a believer in that small portion-
Oh my honourable friend! Should
You
Either persecute to some purpose or
He would rather be sent to the King

The fact damages the rule, but not issues of law
The fourth exhortation shall be-
Oh ye immortal Gods, where-
Then the fifth, the fifth
Shall we dwell no longer
We shall not rest on the seventh

Protest oh protest less!
Powder penal ingnite might this time be right!
He a different man; Young merchant, no, housebuilder no
Different than woman that refuse
To sew buttons and cook dinners

- Screwed up my SAT IIs
- Taking a break from physics study
- Study for statistics will be intense next week
- Only five days left until first exam
- I haven't started studying for english or chemistry

I am so screwed.

Yesterday was our last day of "high school".

We had our student-led graduation assembly. It was sort of emotional. But knowing there's still exams and grad dinner meant it wasn't really the end.

There were funny "awards". There were the skux award, most-likely-to-continue-part-time-job-fulltime award, fail-at-life award, best-asian award (goku was nominated), most-indie award, "most-responsible" driver award, best-drunk-eyes award...

Bleh. One of those moments. Like I'm losing my mind. Stressed, frustrated, so annoyed, headache, head spinning want to explode.

They announced the prizes today. I didn't make top seven. I missed out on everything. Bio I was probably third, same with chem. English I was second. I didn't get the literature prize, and I didn't get the citizenship award either. That was the one I really wanted.

On top of that, I don't think I have done enough for my responsibility as a prefect. I didn't apply for the Auckland University scholarship, I was discouraged.

Nobody.

6-11pm

6-11pm

6-11pm

nonstop. study. everyday. have been for a week. and mind you, that's on top of six hours of school during the day already.

exam in ten days. ten days. see that. ten. ten. then it'll gruel me.

my fault for not studying earlier. last minute brilliance only accomplishes during the year lured me into a sense of security.

i'm not going to get any scholarships. i can see it.

someone kill me.

i'm off to bed.

Went to a Halloween party yesterday. Dressed up as a fairy. People had some pretty nice costumes, there was Lady Gaga, a ladybug, Dracula, Zombie, Tinkerbell, James Bond and so on. Lol, James Bond even had a cardboard car, people didn't know he was Bond so everyone was just like "Hello car."

LOVE THAT SONG!

Anyways quite a few things I wana update on.

National exams are creeping up soon... 16 days is it? Dude, that's such a short time. I have to sit ten exams. TEN THREE HOUR EXAMS. Hello? That's just insane. Five subject exams and five scholarship exams. Aiming for all excellences (top 2% for all 20 papers) for my subject tests, and at least three scholarships. Pathetically fantasising about the premiere award, which is top seven in the country... lol I must be crazy.

Writing - 720/800
Reading - 720/800
Maths - 800/800

Don't wana sound too nonchalant, but we don't study for SATs in New Zealand and I only looked at a practice SAT paper for the first time the night before the exam lol... I don't know much about SAT rankings but according to my friend those results are pretty good xD

Seven days left! My goodness!

I love wearing a suit. Wore one to this film presentation tonight. I felt important. I walked around with purpose. Look at me.

So, officially 3 years 52 weeks which is fours years on oasis. lol. that's a long time. Joined as the uncertain confused lovestoned hopeless romantic naive idealistic lost child that just turned 14, to now... 18. Flipped through a few old entries - there has been personal growth, rants, good times - so much progress made... and now I know a lot more, but again knowing there's more out there I don't know. Shit, it's been a long journey.

I gotta feeling...
Tonight's gonna be a good night...
Tonight's gonna be a good night...
Tonight's gonna be a good good night

I love you B. How could I tell you?
I know I'm just smitten, but in my mind you're so perfect right now. I don't want to lose that feeling. I haven't had it in way too long. Even though I know I can't have you, it's worth it. I can feel it again.

Let's do it.. let's do it... let's do it ... let's do it...