Met a boy. He is cute. Should've been more forward. Not sure if he was keen. We talked for ages though. We talked about so much. He is really cute. I have a chronic fear of rejection that it probably almost becomes self-fulfiling. I always rationalise and think if someone's right for me it'll happen anyway. It's probably weird thinking about this, but I hope he's not the type that sleeps around with randoms (too much). I probably just rambled and rambled at him. It's probably best that nothing happens, the whole thing scares me, but wow I haven't felt like this about a guy for ages.
Some guy just asked me out to dinner.
It's a fucking weird feeling, because I've been so "de-sexualised" these days I honestly haven't felt attracted to anyone or flirted with anything for ages, nor do I feel particularly attractive or care (it's a two-way thing). Like sex and relationships just haven't been this huge thing for me at this time of my life. So it kind of weirded me out how forward he was. I've already had sex with this guy before, but then I literally just stopped talking to him because I wasn't emotionally ready.
Man my circadian rhythmn is fucked.
This has actually been my sleep "pattern", staying awake all day and night, and doing two-hour naps during the day and evening. It has meant I was squeezing in almost 20 hours per day.
two centuries of depredations and
here is a list of
implacable spirit of destruction
though, in reviewing, the incidents of my administration,
by such acceptance
the trumpeter would hold his breath awhile,
as if according to the meek spirit of the Gospel,
that is an oppression
i see there is peace;
from no desire to gratify my ambitions
and among all other men that draw then the parallel between your life and mine,
there is an imagined funeral,
for have we no tendency to the latter condition
that has what licentious wickedness,
None of what you are about to read is real; all is imagined.
I went to the Annual General Meeting for an organisation lobbying for the legalisation of gay marriage on Tuesday. I almost ran for their treasurer, but I really just don't have the time. I am kind of regretting it now, I think I'm becoming a compulsive workaholic; I keep wanting to take things on, it creates an illusion of importance, a facade of me actually meaning something to someone. An amorphous construction of self approval.
Someone I met has been taking a lot of drugs, experimenting actually. No one really knows except me, and he think its fine. At first I thought it was fine too, because he is smart, intelligent, and a socialable person. It just shocked me a little because his values seemed to have "changed" so much, and he just didn't seem like the type that would experiment with drugs. There are a lot of other intelligent people we hang out with which also experiments with drugs, which is probably what made it okay, what normalised it.
"I just don't think there's supposed to be a set amount of time you need to get over someone"
So I have this heavy heavy sinking feeling. Not sadness but more grave and sombre. So the reason why he is back in the country is because his dad just passed away. His dad would've been in his fifties, and he was healthy last year and the last time I heard of his dad they just had a new baby. So I had no idea what happened. I felt blank for a moment when I heard it, I can only imagine what he is going through.
- - - - -
So I won the student bi-election. The whole ordeal made me realise who I could trust, that politics really is dirty, and a whole new level of nuance when reading people - and holy crap all the internal "drama" and external "issues" that need to be addressed.
so fucking stressed. basically had 20 hour days of work with 3 hours of sleep each for three days already. student elections, tests, tests, moot, test, campaigning, campaigning, campaigning. No I didn't just get 3 hours of sleep by choice or because I am procrastinating. I am literally doing something for twenty hours until I actually physically can't sit/stand anymore. On my fourth cup of coffee at 3am studying for a test. Have to be up at six for campaigning. I am going to die.
I'm losing my mind. I'm on the verge of breaking down.
So I saw his brother in the crowd last night, which reminded me of him. It was only a shadow of him, nothing like the real thing, because after all it wasn't him. It was an eerie feeling, because they looked so similar, except one I knew so well, and the other is almost a stranger; yet the sight of the latter made my heart sink. His brother carried an almost hollow resemblance of him, and embodied what I didn't want to be reminded of: how far away he was despite the close and lasting impact he has had on my life.