Today is the last day of the year...

I kind of like school, I'll miss all my friends over the holidays.

I'll miss the teachers too, some of them are just totally amazing.

We had lots of shared lunches today, I feel like a fatty.

I need to stop being ridiculously caffeinated!

National exams are coming up, need to start studying...

OH AND...

I watched Phantom of the Opera performed live with Robert and Nelson last night. It was absolutely jaw-dropping. Anthony Warlow wasn't playing Phantom on that specific night though... Damn you Simon Price or whoever you are..

AND THE ABSOLUTE TOTAL HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY

Today, they announced student prefects to lead the school next year...
260 people from our year applied...
25 got selected
And I was one of them!
And I also love the the other prefects that I have to work with for our House.
I'm so happy, and I think I deserve to be happy. After all, it is an excellent achievement.

It makes me feel so good, especially the showering of congratulatory hugs and comments afterwards, and the approval, appreciation, support and endorsement of my peers and teachers.

HURRAY.

Really angry about New Zealand election results right now.

Suffering from induced insomnia- need to be left alone right now.

I'm listening Mora by Sonny Moore.

Here's a little update-

Went to Ellen's birthday drinks on Sunday. It was awesome - I only knew Ellen there and I've never met any of her other mates but I clicked with everyone pretty quickly. I love that feeling when I meet someone new, make them smile, say something silly, and know you've made a connection and brightened another person's day (or night) for just a little bit. There were around 40 people, and man were they cool.

Apparently it was really obvious I was gay. A myriad of people ended up asking me and they told me they could tell because I'm slightly effeminate, my loudness (loudness makes you gay?), my dress sense, the way I talk, how odd (but 'bubbly' - that's good) I was, and the eyeliner (definitely a give-away). Considering they all met me for the first time and were all real cool about it - I'm pretty proud of myself for making an awesome impression. This might start to sound really vain, but I'm so glad they liked me. They're giving my number to a gay guy at their school. This might be good. Hehe.

Kimberly was gorgeous. Peter gave me some "Tongan Hoarse Stallion". Elizabeth taught me the bunny handshake. George the Georgian taught me some Georgian. Dale taught me how to shuffle. Jenny dumped her boyfriend (good on her - from what I hear he's a dickwad). Alexus was so damn beautiful, I love his eyes. Rhiannon and I had a smoke and we talked long time about that gay guy at her school. Ashlyn gave me water - good on her.

So pretty much another awesome night. So glad it was Labour Day on Monday. Otherwise I'd have dropped dead at school. I went to the cafe J works at on Monday and chilled for the whole afternoon. After my second cup he refused to give me any more moccacinos ("or anything with milk") and made me a short black instead to prove to him I was still a man. It tasted horrible, so I demanded another moccacino to rid of the horrible after taste...

Josh went over to visit J too. Never talked to him as much, but BAM we started talking just like that. We had the same taste in music and same inappropriate sense of humour (LET'S WATCH PORNO AT A WEDDING WITH CRAPPY SPEAKERS). It was a pretty chilled day - until I got home and my overly caffeinated body and flu begin taking over. Damn you Flu, what a killjoy.

Today at school I had to take these pills for my cough. They made me all drowsy and especially inclined to stumble over stairs and little children. I got my marks back for physics, it was good but not good enough. I think I came second - there goes my physics prize! Overall, I'm really happy with most of my marks though.

Today we also had donations for Blind Week. I got a fluorescent orange sticker. I stuck it on my shirt, then I stuck in my bag, then I stuck it on my forehead for the last two periods. It was an inside joke... with myself. And the sticker told me I made a a difference!

Alex in biology class started mocking gay people. Apparently he made up something about S coming out and he started bitching about it - but S is most likely definitely not gay - I know him, he's just eccentric. Alex was just being a dick - Morgan and Asher stuck up for me too. Alex didn't get far.

Damn, I miss the musical and debating. I'm gonna join the drama production next term. "The Outsiders" - I'll probably only be good enough to be a dancer or the chorus.

Spending too much time on Oasis lately. I love reading journals and discovering the simple (or not-so-simple) happenings of other people's lives. But the week's started again and national exams are coming up - I need to manage my time more efficiently now.

That is all - time to read O. Henry and wait for dinner.

Probably the most annoying thing ever

I've been having this flu for two weeks

It got better until tonight when it got incredibly horrendous

I sound like I have a voicebox

My brain has ground to a halt
(I can't think properly, and man - robbing me of that is just so horrible)

My breathing reminds me of the devil

My stomach feels worse with every coughing fit

My eyes is the same as being taped open

Everything is just an endless spiral towards doom right now

Because - I NEED TO SLEEP
My mind is completely, utterly jaded - but my coughing body won't let me.

Out of total rambling nonsense with bulldyke, it inspired me... -

Synopsis:
Eons ago, life was good. Gays, lesbians, straight, and french people lived happily alongside each other. Until one day, Sauron forged all those closets to control them, but there was one closet to rule them all. It must be destroyed at once! Too often are those who use it to hide from those ugly, tree-eating homophobes! Who will have the courage to come out and carry the burdening (you see, it's rather heavy) closet to the fiery pits of Mount Doom?

This Summer, I present to you the epic series-

Lord of the Closet: The Fellowship of Bulldykes
Originally- Lord of the Closet: The Fellowship formed in a Closet (also known as a high school biking shed)

Lord of the Closet: Two People is Enough, Damnit Dave! There's no 'I' in Threesome. (Yes, the whole thing)

Lord of the Closet: Return of the Drag Queen

That is all... Alright I shall stop, they're starting to sound like titles of porn videos...

My friend P is so lost. She's sooo socially inappropriate... Gawd, I love her!

She told me she went to Church the other day and didn't really know anyone there. There were two well-behaved chicks that beckoned her over to talk. Apparently, it got really awkward and no one was talking... so she decided to break the ice.

*silence*

P: So guys, have you seen that new movie "Water"?

Church girls: Um, no.

*More awkward pause*

P: Okay, I watched it last night. Well, a little girl gets raped in it.

*More awkward pause*

P: So... just heads up. Don't go watch it.

LOL, she sucks at making first impressions. I remember she asked if I believed in aliens the first time I met her, if I didn't I'm not allowed to talk to her. Oh yeah, and P is bi - her mum's in denial right now.

I'm so lost right now

Such a lost kunt

what's goin on

met lots of Ellen's mates tonight

it's 1am

that party was awesome

they're introducing me to one of their gay mates

gawd i'm so lost

where am i

i think vodka is victorious at last

right laters bro

love you guys, just thought i'd give this little update

peace out

Let's see

So I decided to go to Rory's party last night instead of fireworks at Alex's (Friday). About 50 people went - It was good!

On the way there, I saw this really CUTE guy on the bus. Sooo should've talked to him. I bet he was gay - he had that look. He kept stroking his hair, wore this retro shirt, looked like he had make up on. We made full eye contact for like 5 seconds when I walked past him. I sat behind him and he like turned a few times to look at me (hopefully in a good way... damn I'm so vain lol). At least I think it's pretty obvious I'm gay with my dress sense and cologne and everything. Oh well, it's too late now. Maybe I'll bump into him again!

The party - I had lots of fun. One of my good mates, J, hooked up with P. That means J cheated on A. J is such a manwhore when he's drunk. But not his fault he's THAT good-looking. All I got was about 10 hugs from him throughout the night, and a drunk compliment "Damn Max, you're so attractive". Went to see him at work today with P, he was so hungover... and lost! J and A will probably break up soon.

Jesse (not J) didn't go. I was a little disappointed. Apparently he asked someone if I was gay after the last party I saw him at. Then I heard from Morgan he's bi. He's pretty cute - mmm.

What else happened? Some pool diving, me and Erin made our own hand-shake, I ate a whole bowl of hummus, Grace taught me the British accent, J stole three of my smirnoffs, Peter (not P) spilt whiskey all over Josh's car, Tom is angry at P, there was pizza, SYP was all over me, Morgan made a turban out of my scarf, N shouted at SYP for prolonged periods of time, Thomas was dancing at his own band's music, I tried to tapdance, Leila is so pretty, everybody laughed and danced. It was a good night.

Gonna get some rest. It's Az's birthday drinks tonight - was gonna go - but gota rest up. My best friend, Ellen, is having her birthday drinks tomorrow. It'll be another epic night. I have my eyes on this guy called Sam. Hehe, he MIGHT be gay - we'll see!

Today the weather was... oh I can't remember.

Actually, now I do - it was raining. I had to take a 90-minute bus ride home from school because I missed my school bus. I had to converse with my calculus teacher and console one of my best friends on his less-than-perfect exam results. But honestly, he's still going to get dux though!

Right now I'm getting my exam results back. We have a different system here in New Zealand, but in universal exam language - i sucked. Well not really, a plethora of merits and achieveds, some excellences, and a big fat fail for a biology paper. Damn you, stupid insect tracheal system.

I just have to fail at least one paper every year! It's becoming a yearly ritual kind of thing.

On other things (before I bore you with more tedious exam updates), we voted for prefects today. Prefects are pretty much what we call student leaders. Our school is pretty damn competitive... honestly, we're like one of the most competitive and top-achieving high schools in New Zealand. I swear though, student votes are pretty much just a popularity contest. Now now, I don't have a problem with that - but that's why the teachers call student votes a 'survey' and nothing more.

I'm writing a few short stories lately. Finished one last night (in an hour and proud), will probably put that up soon. Mmm, and it's labour weekend this weekend! Dayum! Haha going to another best friend of mine's birthday on Sunday - time to unleash some pent up stress from all that exam study. God forbid, I've been ridiculously sober since we had our study leave!

And, I must get a haircut. Right now my hair looks like a mop. Not just any mop, but the type of mop which you'd start to question which side's the front of my face if it weren't for my glasses. Ah!

That's about it... oh oh, there's our school's Les Miserables musical cast reunion gathering at someone's house tomorrow. But there's also Guy Fawkes (fireworks day) at my other mate's house. Such a dilemma! I think I'll just stay home and watch boring television.

Yeah.

I was running through my old journals...

And it moved me so much.

It shocked me how much I've changed.
It showed how bad my english used to be...
How naive I was.
How genuine and simple-minded (as in uncorrupted) I used to be...
How I document all the trivial things
How I regurgitate the tiniest things in my life without polishing and refining - showing how I truly felt.
How innocent I was - and how un-vain I used to be.
The self which was really shy...
How sentimental I can be, but still convey a degree of realism.
How uncertain I am in life - really like a child trying to figure things out.
How I wasn't actually selective of what I write... and how transparent I used to be.
The simple things in my life...
It made me want to cry...
It made me cringe... in a good way.
How I didn't get sarcasm and just how uncultured I was...
And all the damn long-winded posts - like a stream of consciousness - that truly reflected me.
I even used to write about the weather...

I forgot about all those simple things about life...
Makes me seem so distant to who I used to be.
Argh, a sense of nostalgia overwhelms me.
I need to write like that more often - open up.

*Private*
*Omitted*
- EDIT TO VIEW -

Got most of my results back today...
So far I passed all my exams!
Really, really happy!

Oh, we're voting for prefects tomorrow. Hopefully I can make the cut.

Now I'm trying to write a story... damn, I miss reading and writing.

He's just so... sophisticated!

Simple, pure, such an uncorrupted soul. So witty, just the right level of sarcasm - smart - and funny. We click so well, share the same flippant attitudes towards calculus... and loathe physics! Love his witty and sarcastic (spontaneous even!) remarks - just the same type of humour i have. Oh, how we mock each other in a flirtatious way... wait, he's flirting? I must be crazy. Damn, he's just so right for me. Ah, I admit... it's just the simple things.

He said I was cute today. How dare he patronise me!

Starting to think I'm a little asexual..

I have too much self-control. I'm too picky. And I get disgusted when people like and I don't like them back. Well, not disgusted - but I distance myself. And I never like (crush-wise) someone anymore, not really - I don't have those times when I fall head over heels over a crush or anyone anymore. I can feel attracted to someone but I never really feel strongly about it anymore. I'm too emotionally reserved in that sense, or am I just becoming too indifferent? Or just too adept at mastering who I like or my emotions? Or am I in denial? I don't like anyone unless they start liking me first - and uh, yes I probably just distance myself away because I'm not attracted to them.

I know I'm not asexual (probably not...) but it's just I'm becoming awfully disillusioned with relationships. It seems like I've put myself through an mental (and sexual) form of anesthetic, a pattern of thought in order to cope. It's conditioning the way i think, act and feel emotions. I'm thinking I'm doing this to protect myself from getting hurt again.

Yeah.

It is the 17/08/08, early morning.

After a nightmare.

I'm going to write this down.

Because I'm not going to make this one of those moments that will fade away with time. That's all too depressing. If it slowly fades away, eventually it will mean nothing and that's frustrating. Instead I will transfer this abstract concept /thought into tangible words that will remind me for eternity.

But it is not a good moment. I had a nightmare. A nightmare of my ex. I feel so uneasy right now. So uncomfortable. Slightly creeped by the supernatural theme of it. Slightly worn down and confused as to my reaction. I was scared and woke up at around 3:30am, and cried until god knows when. But here I am, sitting at the computer - almost 6 - trying to create a state of permanence of something that hurt me? Or is this some sort of reminiscing of the old love we had, the good times we used to have together except it's too late for me to want to admit that now? These kind of questions can go on forever. Heck, what do dreams mean anyway.

This is about my six-month ex, Andy, which I broke up with two weeks ago. He found a new boyfriend one week ago. He said he still cared a lot about me after we broke up. I knew I care a lot about him - but I didn't want to because he's so playboy (flirting with all these guys) and he's confused about what he wants. I don't think he cares about me - so it's only reasonable. But I still care so much, I just can't help that.

So I don't know how the dream starts... but we're at some place. Maybe a party? Maybe some kind of road trip? People were there. I was there. Andy was there. It was slightly colourful. It's meant to be those moments where everyone's socialising but the soul's still quite hollow somehow. If that makes sense. I could feel it like that.

Then suddenly Andy collapsed? I can't recall how. Did he drown? Did he get hit by a car? Drugs? I don't know.

Then it switched directly to INSIDE the hospital. He was rushed into emergency/surgery room of some sorts. He's pale as a ghost. Completely pale... this was the scary bit. I was watching from a bird's eye view as if I was standing on some sort of glass roof and overwatching the whole event - even though I was still in the dream.

This is not a lucid dream. I didn't know I was dreaming.

Then they tried to resuscitate him. His heartbeat obviously had stopped. After the shock.. His body flogged up... and at the same time his eyes fly open... his face with its contours very vivid and protruding out (a defined face?)... his mouth opened... seemed like he was going to scream something but cannot. I was watching from bird's eye view (I don't know how) so this was right under me... and he gazed right into my eyes. This is the scariest moment probably? He was going to say something.. he was so pale. He was struggling... Looked like the kind of desperate struggle a burning man would have.. or some guy who's drowning, tried to breath but only gulps in another gallon of water bringing him closer to his demise.

Then suddenly I'm no longer in this 'glass (?)' watching from bird's eye view. No longer am I shielded away. It immediately transitioned to me trying to resuscitate him when everyone's given up. No one was around me. It's still the emergency/surgery room. I didn't find it odd I was by myself but thinking about it now I don't know where everyone was. But I'm not resuscitating him with the resuscitator... I was performing CPR on him. Really hard... pushing really, really hard. Was I crying? I don't remember giving him mouth-to-mouth... but I was trying so hard with the CPR. His chest has been cut open... obviously part of the surgery. This is actually very visual and grotesque... but my hands were literally on his heart (don't know how CPR works like that...). And after every push I tried to feel for a response. I always felt there was a slight one so I kept going.. thinking I'd lose him. Then I knew it was wishful thinking... But no, guys and girls... I didn't resuscitate him... he died (under my own hands?). My hands were covered in blood... I looked at his face... (and his heart) and it looked like his died from a heart explosion. Does that work? Does that even make sense? A very vivid grotesque, opened, exploded heart (in the dream I was pretty sure it was the cause of death.. but could it be the shock of the resuscitator? or surgery? or my CPR which I pushed too hard?). I'm simply just describing what happened in this dream as objectively as possible.

That's not it. I know, so far it hasn't been happy. Half of you probably thought I'd get him back (revive him). I think I thought that too in the dream. But I couldn't do it. So I exited the surgery room of sorts.. hand covered in blood.. did i cry? I don't think so. But I should be sad at this point. I was thinking... "so that's Andy gone" (but was it a neutral statement? was I apathetic about his death). I have no idea what the outset of the dream was. Was he still going out with me in the dream? Or that new boyfriend? Or broke up but haven't found someone? Or broke up but with reasons he can't tell me? Or broke up but he truly really still loves me the most? Heck I don't know.

Then suddenly I got a text. I took the phone out.. and it was from Andy. It said "I try". Writing this now, I think the natural thing was to think he came back to life. But in the dream I knew he was still dead.. and it's him trying to communicate with me from 'the other side'. But is it a fully conscious form of communication from him? Or some part of him that hasn't crossed over... and remains as some form of energy that's kind of abstract and subjective and leaves all sorts of weird clues everywhere (that's very different from the former... having full conscious awareness - where we have the potential to engage in full proper conversation). This was the saddest moment... because in our relationship we weren't that compatible. We liked different things. We have different hobbies, different interests, different humour... different outlooks on relationships and life... yet we always "try" so hard in the relationship. I'd do all these sweet things, he'd put in effort to try and talk more about his relationships. I always says "I know you try so hard" - but I never knew if he quite got it that I meant it. Or maybe it's just not enough. Loving someone doesn't solver everything. Trying doesn't quite cut it. Well... I also remember him saying he want to 'try and be a better boyfriend'. I'm trying to make some sense out of this but this text but this explanation still doesn't feel quite right, far from perfect. But he's with someone else now... maybe it's some kind of unfinished longing? Something he still wanted to do? Something we never got to do that we deserved? It didn't click to me in the dream... I'm just over-analysing right now. The two words "I try" are just so moving. It meant everything... like was he trying to come back to life? All the times he tried but never really quite delivers? Just really never cuts it doesn't it? Does the present tense of 'I try' means he's still trying? Because I could vividly remember it wasn't 'tried' - that was important and I think my brain somehow made an emphasis on it and subconsciously told me it was important that it was 'try' not 'tried'. Damn, it's sad memories fade away or how words cannot having sufficient meaning to describe all the complex emotions and abstract concepts... (that really sucks - cause when emotions and memories are gone they're gone)... but just so many times we know we loved each other despite the fact we weren't that compatible.. (like that time we cried to each other on the phone on our six month because deep down we have emotions for each other but it's just we never really seem to click.. we fight.. and he had to leave early and I stayed in town visiting all the places we usually go to and taking surprise pictures and sending it to them as a sentence (one word per picture).. we didn't fit but we love(d?) each other and tried (or try?) doing things for each other to make it all the much better... We thought we'd compliment each other.. but not quite...) I think he's more apathetic though which annoys me.

Anyways, the dream. So I got the text.... and I probably texted back. But I don't remember him texting back after that first text. Maybe he'll communicate in other ways? and then I went outside for a walk.. This looked like the setting cornwall park's rugby field.. with that stone wall by it too. But I don't think it was cornwall park, it just looks similar (I'm using cornwall park to more easily picture it for myself in the future). Then suddenly this soccer ball fades into this world from about 50cm-100cm high in the distance by the stonewall in the corner and just sits there (kind of like the way the deathnote faded in in 'deathnote' except not from that high). I went up and the ball has a message on it... it said "What was I supposed to do?" I don't even know what that meant? About not having enough 'will' to revive himself? About breaking up because he got someone 'better'? Or About breaking up because we weren't that compatible and it was for the better? Then suddenly more soccer balls faded into this world in this fashion from the same spot (except now they rolled all over the place).. each carrying a message. Now these other messages weren't as clear... I'd want to think one of them said "forgive me" but that's probably some form of extra detail I made up after the dream. So to be honest, I don't know what the other balls said... but probably messages similar to the first one (and the text) - ambiguous, not direct, trying to hint something or communicate with me in a subtle way... Yeah... Dead person trying to communicate in the dream. Is it symbolic of us right now somehow? Do I supposedly still care and love a 'dead' person? (love as in care a lot - not the infatuation)

Then the dream started getting blurry... I think I went back to the stonewall place everyday.. waiting for more soccer balls to drop in leaving messages.. But I can't remember if they kept coming. But I know they eventually stopped. And then there's this scene where I'd always sit in the classroom checking my phone.. seeing if it's Andy (the classroom had isolated desks in rolls facing the left and I sat close to the middle. It had a whiteboard. I don't know what class it was, there were people around me but they were insignificant). I know, and he's already dead. I think he never sent a second text though... and then I felt really uneasy.. you know.. like the feeling you get when you're left hanging.. and you don't know what everything meant.. and like it happens all too sudden and they've pretty much unexpectedly left your life without your consent. Pretty much like a relationship breakup that you didn't want. You still put so much in, you're ready to put so much in, you still care so much.. but they just suddenly "stop" and all your feelings are left unresponded. Kind of what this abrupt stop of 'mysterious messages' feels like. This break-up analogy was added when I'm writing this, I didn't actually think of that in the dream.

Then I woke up I think. I didn't even realise it was a dream at first. I was half awake and half asleep. I thought he was actually dead.. and somehow convinced myself he still loved me. It wasn't until I was fully aware I was sobbing and wiping a whole heap of mess on my pillow that I was conscious that a dream just took place and he probably doesn't love me and I just had a non-lucid dream. I still kept sobbing though.. don't know why. I kept crying.. for like half an hour? Maybe an hour? Then I decided to get up... and make this into a permanent memory. It was so vivid, I decided to transfer it into this entry before all my other subjective analysis, insanity, craziness, stupid explanations try contaminating it. I know that I added heaps of questions, but they were more anchors for how I was feeling and not attempting to make judgements. I'm trying to make this as objective as possible - this isn't wishful thinking that he'll get back with me. This isn't asking for sympathy and thinking this is some form of divine hint telling me he still wants me back. This is by far from any form of truth or reflects how he feels about me. This tells me nothing. This will never tell me anything. This won't tell me if he still cares/loves me. Because all this is not true, I know that. And he's too apathetic to care. Maybe the dream was a subtle wishful thinking I had, despite the fact I am aware that it is not true and have accepted it (major difference, from having denial resulting in wishful thinking) I think dreams are probably just dreams. And I'm simply just recounting this dream, simply an event in my life.

And when I stopped crying at around 4:30am... maybe 5am? I sent Andy a text.

"Andy.. I had a nightmare.. it's about you"

Just that one text.

We don't text much anymore.. we hardly talk on MSN. But I sent him that text... just that single one. Well it's still 6:51am I don't expect him to reply.

And that's pretty much it. I'm satisfied with this recount... I'm content.

I'll probably be off to bed now - catch up on some sleep. Just wanted to write all that from my head down before it was all too late.